We tumbled backward on the bed, kissing for long moments, before I finally pulled away to catch my breath.
“We’re gonna ruin our costumes.” I laughed as I grabbed for my backpack and retrieved the things I’d bought with flaming cheeks at the store earlier that day.
Jasper made fast work of removing his costume down to his boxer briefs, and my body took notice of all his creamy skin and adorable freckles. I was down with anything that got us horizontal again fast, but I still carefully stripped off my toga and set it on the chair with our coats, loving how Jasper watched my every move like a kid waiting for an ice cream cone.
“You really want to do this? I’m totally good with what we’ve been doing,” Jasper said as I climbed back onto the bed.
“Me too. Love all that we’ve tried. But…I’ve spent a lot of years alone in my room fantasizing about this too.” Admitting that made my face go from warm to supernova, and I had to study the comforter instead of Jasper. “And I want it to be you.”
“Wow.” Jasper rewarded my honesty with a gentle kiss, and figuring we were finally out of things to say, I tried to tug him backward. But he resisted. “But…um… can you be more specific?”
“Specific?” I wasn’t sure I had much if any talent for dirty banter. And we’d agreed to do it, so I didn’t know what else we were supposed to talk about.
Jasper wasn’t giving up easily either, bumping my shoulder. “Like, when you have this fantasy, what are you doing? And for the record, I’m good with any answer there.”
“Oh.” Now I got it. My skin prickled because I’d thought that part went without saying, but of course Jasper the king of careful consent was going to make me spell it out. “Uh…I’m not the one doing. You are. That’s what I want.”
“Yeah?” A grin slowly spread across his face as he stroked my cheek.
“Yeah.” He was going to kill me slowly, all this talking, but I did love how much care he was showing.
“It can be a little uncomfortable the first time. Like, not everyone enjoys penetrative play—”
“Love your big words,” I growled, tugging him until he was on top of me. This time he went easily. “And I didn’t say I’d never fooled around on my own. I know what I like.”
“Oh?” His eyes went wide. Shocking him was worth the mild embarrassment of admitting that. But if there was anyone on earth I trusted to do this with, it was Jasper. He made even my deepest desires safe and normal and possible.
“Yeah. So, you good with that?”
“More than. You’ve got no idea…” Jasper gave a shaky laugh then held up a trembling hand. “I want you. So much. You’re not the only one with fantasies.”
“Good.” I kissed him until he wasn’t the only one breathless and shuddering.
“We’ll go slow—”
“Not too slow. Want it. Promise.” I wriggled under him, trying to make my point, but only succeeded in turning myself on further.
“Me too. I want everything. Especially this…” Jasper rained little kisses down my neck, across my shoulders, and meandering all around my chest, like some sort of very adult version of connect the dots. Whatever it was, it was torture, all the little sparks with each drag of his lips against my overheated skin.
I cursed low under my breath. “You want to kill me.”
“Definitely not. Then I couldn’t do this.” He added licking and nibbling to his explorations but didn’t add even a little speed, if anything slowing further.
“This is the opposite of hurry.” Leaping out of my skin seemed like a real possibility. I touched every inch of him that I could reach, stroking his slim but strong shoulders and his gorgeous mop of hair.
“Don’t rush me. I’m going to have this night on replay for years. Might as well make it feature-film length.”
“I’m going to remember this too.” There was so much else I wanted to say. Words. Declarations. Promises. But my throat already burned with the effort of admitting as much as I had. This was already the best night of my life, bar none. Dancing with him had felt like climbing a big, scary mountain only to find it wasn’t as hard as I’d thought, and this part was the exhilarating rush of celebrating having conquered some of my fears.
“You’d better.” He kissed my belly again, mouth everywhere except where I wanted it most, deft fingers on their own journey down my sides, over my thighs.
“Gonna remember that you were an evil tease.” I spread my legs, trying to encourage him to do this sometime this century and preferably before I detonated from nothing more than the rasp of his breath against my skin.
“Better this way. Trust me. Last thing you want is to rush into this…” His eyes flickered. There was a story there, but now was not the moment to ask for it. Still, though, I stroked his wrist, trying to let him know that I got it and that I appreciated his care.
So I let him take his time, let him lead like I had while dancing, trusting him to take us someplace good. And he did, one stroke, one kiss at a time, until finally he reached for the lube and I nearly wept with relief.
His touches were featherlight at first, and I had to bite back a reminder that I wasn’t made of crystal. But then he got more purposeful and suddenly it was moans, not snark, that I was holding back, trying not to be louder than the music. The speakers played a song from a cheesy movie, and somehow I knew those notes were going to be imprinted on my soul right along with this moment.
“Maybe…slow…not terrible,” I panted. “More.”
“If you roll over, it might be easiest on you.” Ever considerate, Jasper stroked my side with his other hand.
“Don’t want easy. Want you.” I’d done enough on my own to know that what I truly craved was watching his face like this, seeing the way wonder and awe and arousal battled for space, sharing more than simply physical sensations.
“God, you’re so beautiful, Milo. Can’t believe how lucky I am.”
I’d been a lot of things in my life. I wasn’t sure beautiful was one of them, but in that moment I believed him. “Now. Now. Please. Want it.”
“Well, since you asked nicely…” Jasper’s hands were shaking again as he reached for the condom box. The evidence of how deeply he cared, how much he wanted to get this right for me, made my chest tight. I didn’t deserve him, but I also wasn’t going to push away the incredible gift of his affection.
“Do it. Please,” I demanded, forcing a lighter tone so that I didn’t drown in all the emotions that surged every time he looked at me like that, like I was precious. Like I was worth something. Special. His.
“Your wish is my command.” Laughing, even as his eyes stayed serious, he positioned himself. More of that caution and restraint from him, a careful press forward. And maybe all that buildup had been necessary because this was a little different than fooling around on my own. Okay. A lot different. I had to suck in a breath, try to will my body to relax.
“Ah…” Inside. Jasper was inside me, and my body was still trying to decide what it thought about that even as my mind thrilled.
“Okay?” His furrowed forehead said he’d stop the instant I told him it was too much. Which it wasn’t. Just…different. Overwhelming, but not in a bad way. And I’d wanted this far too long to turn back now.
“Yeah. We’re good.” I met his gaze, wanting to reassure him, but the depth of emotion in his eyes was almost my undoing. So much there. Jasper. Me. Everything. And then he shifted his body, moving so we could kiss, and the change in position sparked something deep inside me. Different and almost too much became incredible in a space of heartbeats. “You’re good. It’s good. So good.”
“It is.” There was so much wonder in his voice. “Clearly I need to work on my powers of imagination where you’re concerned…”
I knew exactly what he meant. “Me too. Never thought…”
“Me either.” He stroked my face an
d neck. I couldn’t get enough of looking at him, watching his reactions, hearing his murmured praise and soft moans. “You’re amazing.”
“Ditto.” I was rapidly losing the power of speech and rational thought. This was everything I’d ever wanted, every fantasy, every feverish late-night imagining, all right here, a thousand times better because it was Jasper. “Need…”
“I’ve got you.” And he did, reaching for me right as I did the same thing. I let him win though because his was the touch I craved.
“Jasper.” My head fell back and my whole body started to tense. “Hurry.”
And this time he finally complied, and then there was no more talking, no more thinking, only pleasure that seemed to go on and on. No beginning, no end, exactly like my feelings for Jasper. I couldn’t remember how I’d lived without him, without us, without this moment where we were more than our ordinary selves. Jasper would undoubtedly have some complicated math term to describe how this wasn’t addition but something more. Something extraordinary, and I never, ever wanted it to end.
“Wow.” At some point, Jasper had stiffened along with me, our moans mingling, and now he sounded as out of breath as I felt. His face was flushed and sweaty, and I wanted to look at him like this forever, memorize him in this moment.
“That was…” I was no better at speech than he was, voice all rough and rusty.
“Exactly.” Jasper gave me a tender kiss, brushing my now-damp hair. “You okay?”
“You have to ask?” I sounded drunk still, but this beat any other substance I’d tried, the best high I’d ever experienced.
“Always.” His eyes were serious again. And I knew he meant it, knew he always would ask, and that made my chest expand. Seeing that level of caring from him for me of all people was nothing short of breathtaking.
“You’re the best.” So many other things I could say, so many things I wanted to put words to, but I was still sex-drunk and drowning in the emotions I saw in his eyes.
And maybe he could sense that because he laughed and pretended to preen. “I try.”
“Me too. Don’t give up on me.” There. That was what I wanted to say—or part of it at least.
“I won’t.” The laughter was gone now, and I wanted it back because the sudden tension in his muscles reminded me of all the ways we could still fail. All the ways that I could still let everyone down. And now, so much more seemed to be on the line. I’d never dared to imagine something this good, and now the thought of losing it made my skin all clammy. I held him closer, trying to keep him with me as long as I could.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jasper
“Hold still.” Milo’s face wrinkled. He was adorable when he concentrated.
“How am I supposed to hold still if I don’t know what you’re doing?” I ignored his request and twisted around to try to see. He was especially adorable like this—naked other than a pair of boxer briefs, sprawled in my desk chair, feet on the bed near where I lay, sketch pad in his hand.
“If you can’t tell…” He waggled a pencil in my direction. It was late, probably past when we should have tried for sleep, but we were both weirdly awake and energized. We’d both made use of my limited hot water after sex, then had a late-night snack, and now it was apparently arts-and-crafts time. Milo had retrieved his sketchbook amid some mumbles about a brainstorm. Which apparently involved me needing to hold still and not touch my postshower hair.
“Funny. Come on, am I at least going to get to see?”
“Maybe.” Milo reached for our half-eaten bag of popcorn and fed me a few kernels. “Here. Maybe this will keep you quiet.”
“This would be a better incentive.” Rising to my knees, I gave him a fast, salty kiss as my body tried its best to convince us both that going again would be a most excellent idea.
Laughing, Milo pulled away and made a show of going back to drawing. “That’s going to end with no drawing and pencils and popcorn in weird places.”
“You’re lucky you’re cute when you’re all strict and serious.” I flopped back on the bed and tried to hold the position at least. It was kind of cool that he wanted to draw me, even if staying still had never been my strong suit.
“Not sure anyone’s ever accused me of being serious.” Milo bit his lip as his pencil flew over the page.
“They don’t know you.” But I did. I’d seen the serious kid who could obsess over minute Lego details for hours, and I’d seen the man now who didn’t smile nearly enough and who thought to fold his toga before losing his virginity because of course he did. He was Milo. And under the whole jock facade, there was a warehouse of seriousness.
“True.” Milo’s smile was faint before his gaze went more distant. “I wish…”
“What?” Anyone who didn’t think Milo could be serious didn’t know his talent for brooding. And being hard on himself.
“Nothing. Just that I wish I’d valued being understood more than being popular and anonymous.”
As if one of the best-looking guys in our year could have ever been anonymous. But I got what Milo was saying—being with the jocks and popular crowd had let him stay hidden, maybe even from himself. “Perhaps you weren’t ready to be seen.”
“Yeah.” Milo exhaled, pencil coming to a halt again, point snapping. “You’re right. And even now, it’s…”
“Scary?” I was still proud of him for dancing with me at the ball, pushing his comfort zone that far.
“Yeah.” He didn’t meet my gaze as he resharpened his pencil.
“But worth it?” I reached out and tilted his face up.
“Oh, yeah.” He leaned in for another kiss. “Especially the fringe benefits.”
“Orgasms make everything better,” I said with authority as I resumed my pose.
“They do.” He was quiet for a few moments as he worked on his drawing, humming along with the song playing on my speakers. “Jasper?”
I had started to drift off a little, but the sound of my name had me lifting my head. “Yeah?”
“Is sex always this good? Like, no matter who you do it with?”
“No. God, no. I wish. But no. This is…well, maybe not rare, but the exception, not the rule. And special. It’s different with each person, but with you…yeah, special.” I was babbling, trying not to reveal how much better this was than anything that had come before it for me and how much of that had to do with the almost terrifying intensity of my feelings for him.
“I’m glad.” He gave me a warm smile before turning more thoughtful. “It…uh…hasn’t always been good for you?”
I gave a harsh laugh. He was too perceptive as always. “Sex is weird. Like, when it’s good, it’s spectacular. And when it’s bad…well, it sucks. And not in the fun way. I think almost everyone ends up having bad sex at some point in college. Probably a rite of passage.”
I was aiming for a worldly tone, but judging by Milo’s deep frown, I didn’t quite hit the mark.
“Doesn’t matter if it happens a lot. It still sucks. And I hate that it happened to you.” Milo reached out and rubbed my leg.
“You’re sweet. And it wasn’t that bad.” I made a vague gesture, like that alone could tell my memories to go take a hike.
Milo went back to the drawing, but the past lingered in the room, a weird unspoken tension, until finally he gently said, “Want to tell me about it?”
And surprisingly, I sort of did. I didn’t like talking about unpleasant things—being the fun, upbeat guy everyone needed was way easier, but maybe Milo’s seriousness was rubbing off on me.
“Well, before I figured out that I like having regular boyfriends more than hookups, I did have a few hookups freshman year that made me feel like crap. Good lesson.”
Milo frowned. “I’d like to teach the other people a lesson, all right.”
“You’re cute jealous. But put your inner ca
veman away. I’m just saying it’s way better with someone you…care about.”
“I’m sure.” Rubbing my leg again, Milo gave me a tender look that made me shiver with all the things we very carefully were not saying.
Milo’s tenderness gave me the courage to keep going. “And sober. You’re not the only one who’s got regrets in that respect. I was a little drunk the first time I bottomed, and so was the other guy. It was fast and rather uncomfortable and then I never saw him again.”
“He hurt you.” Growling, Milo totally looked ready to do battle on my behalf.
“Not that way, not really.” Actually, the physical discomfort had been not insignificant, but I didn’t need Milo any more indignant. Also, the lack of prep and advance conversations paled in comparison to my embarrassment later. “Oh well. Live and learn.”
“Yeah, but sometimes learning a lesson sucks, and it’s okay to be mad, especially at jerks.”
I had a feeling we weren’t still talking about my bad sexual experiences. And sure, I’d been mad at Milo back then. Furious, really. But I also didn’t like what being angry turned me into. And I’d also found that more and more what I truly needed was Milo to forgive himself. “I don’t really do mad. Moving on is more productive anyway.”
“You’re almost too mature for your own good.” He shook his head and I laughed because mature and me were not often used in the same sentence. “Get mad at that dude. Heck, I’m mad on your behalf. Your first time should have been way better.”
“Not everything can be fairy-tale perfect.”
“Mine was.” Milo leaned in for a soft kiss that melted all my muscles. “Everything about tonight. That’s why I’m not sleepy. I don’t want it to end.”
“I’m glad. I wanted that for you.” If anything, having a less-than-great first time had made me super determined to make it good for Milo, and knowing I’d succeeded made my whole body warm in a way that had little to do with arousal.
“I want that for you too. I want you to have…everything.”
Out of Character Page 19
