I waved down the street to the back of Logan's car. I didn't want Richard to think I was standing outside waiting for him. Why am I so self-conscious? I thought. It would have been flattering for me to be waiting outside, I thought.
Richard stopped in the driveway and got off the bike. Removing his helmet, he moved toward me and gave me a little hug. Then he pulled away, smiled, and said, "Let's go see Scratch."
Straight guys don't generally hug guys they just met, I thought.
Once inside, Scratch came running and barking to the front door. Richard made a sound like 'aa…aa…aa!' I was shocked to see Scratch immediately stop barking. For a second he sat and looked at Richard as though he didn't quite understand what it was Richard wanted. "The short sounds interrupt the barking reflex. When dogs are interrupted, they listen for a moment, like they are waiting for instructions. Right then, you have their attention. Good boy," he said to Scratch, who wagged his tail.
In the next few minutes, I gave Richard a quick tour of my apartment. Richard carried a bag. When he opened it, I could see it was full of samples of dog food. "Try each of these and see what he likes. They're all good, but some dogs won't eat certain foods, so this way you can try them out. Keep the package until you know if he's willing to eat it." I didn't have a lot to say, but began to notice Richard seemed more and more at ease. Scratch and I were sort of following him around. I was listening intently and Scratch was mostly just studying him.
Richard turned to Scratch and issued a command. "Sit." Scratch sat on the floor waiting for his praise, which followed. "Good boy."
"Some of your job has been done for you. You're lucky. Whoever owned this dog was paying attention to him and training him. Now I want to show you how to check his collar for tightness." Picking up Scratch, Richard set him on the counter. "Run your fingers under the collar." I ran two fingers between Scratch's neck and the collar. "The collar should feel just like this. He ran his finger next to mine. "Loose enough to let him breathe…"
Feeling Richard's fingers snuggled up tightly next to mine under Scratch's collar gave me that feeling again in my stomach. Without moving my hand, I looked up and he was looking right into my eyes again. Once again I felt as though he was looking at something inside of me. His finger curled around mine, temporarily tightening Scratch's collar. With his other hand, he reached down, removing my hand from the collar. Without breaking his gaze, he leaned forward. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. To my surprise, I stepped back. This is too good. Who is this guy anyway? I can't let myself do this…not again.
What's the matter with me? I thought. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted this a lot. I liked this guy. You don't know this guy, a voice from some deep dark place whispered through my soul and, to my surprise, I pulled back even further. I looked up at Richard, seeing the look of impending rejection on his face. He had that look that said: I'm about to get hurt, but I'm not going to show it.
I have to fix this now, I thought. "Richard, I'm deeply attracted to you."
"But…?" he said.
"I just got kind of screwed over. Like, last night. Meeting you has been great and it looks really promising to me, but I don't want my bad relationship with someone else to screw this up. The truth is, I don't know you yet. I want to know everything about you before we... If you think you can take the time to find out who I am before we go further with this, I'm in."
Half expecting him to look back with an I don't need any of this drama expression, I was surprised to see lines forming on his cheeks from the grin that was taking over his face.
"I'm in," he said. "I've got time, and I think you're really cute, but you're right. I don't know you much better than I do Scratch. I saw you in line today and thought you looked like the kind of guy I'd like to get to know better."
I pulled him back to me and kissed him this time. Feeling his face contort in a manner I wasn't used to, and feeling the five o'clock shadow slide across my cheeks, I pulled back to get a look. Catching his breath, he continued: "I have a feeling you're worth getting to know better. Call it a hunch." He smiled, and then added, "What happened to you last night?"
"Well, a guy I've been dating stood me up. I guess that wouldn't have been such a big deal, but later I found out he stood me up because he moved out of state. I'd been seeing this guy for months. He'd spent every weekend with me. He knew for a long time before he moved, but never respected me enough to tell me." I tried to keep it down to the bare facts, instead of embarrassing myself with just how stupid and left behind all of that had made me feel.
"Ouch." Richard looked at me sympathetically. "Well, don't worry. I'd never do anything like that. That totally sucks."
"Tell me about it."
"Well, I'll tell you what. To see to it that neither of us does anything that would hurt the other while we're getting to know one another, let's establish a few ground rules."
I was curious what he had in mind when he said 'ground rules.' "What are these ground rules?" I asked.
Richard could see I was not at-ease with the concept. "Not to worry," he said. "These rules will address the kinds of things that we need if we're getting to know someone with… expectations of more? And who knows—you might want to tell me to go to hell when I'm done, but for me, the things I ask are minor. They're just things that matter to me and getting to know me is also about finding out my values. I figure it'll just be easier if I tell you up front."
"Do I get to add mine? I mean if you have rules it only seems fair that…"
"Of course you do," He said obviously trying to put me at ease.
Walking over to the couch and sitting down I tapped the area next to me so we could have this discussion without standing around the room. "Let's hear them then."
"Okay, then I'll start. I tend to be really dominant. I won't try to control you're every move, but if we get to the point of intimacy you might find me to be really overbearing. Have you ever thought of yourself as a person who would appreciate that kind of direction?"
"Well, I've heard of submissives, but I never tried that. I suppose, in the hands of someone I trusted, who I really liked, it would be worth exploring. I think it might make me feel kind of… desired."
Richard perked up. "Okay then. The rest of my 'rules' are simple ones people usually take for granted, but often break. For instance, no not-calling because it hasn't been long enough and you don't want to look needy. If two people are willing to invest time to learn about the other one, that's a power game and power games don't work. No dating anyone else until we decide where this is going. This is asking a lot, I know, but frankly, if I'm thinking of you as having potential, seeing you out with someone else on a date will matter to me. If this goes anywhere, be prepared for that to stick, so make up your mind right now if you want to play the field, or if you're ready to consider having a boyfriend. No introducing each other to friends or parents until we decide this thing is going to work. It's not fair to meet people and learn to like them only to lose them because they belong to someone else."
"Lose them?"
"If your friends become my friends, and we part ways, we lose those people. At least that's what usually happens. I don't want to feel like I can't spend time with people I've come to like without them feeling like they're choosing sides."
I nodded my head in agreement, not wanting to slow him down. Richard looked at me as he paused, as if wanting to see that I was on board with his requirements. So far I was.
"No hanging around because one of us doesn't know how to say goodbye without hurting the other one's feelings. If you decide I'm not the guy you need me to be, move on. No drugs. No sex and no nudity below the waist until we both know we like and respect each other. We don't want to influence our judgement with our desire."
Hearing that last rule put me at ease, and I spoke at last. "The no sex is for me, isn't it? I want you to understand I like sex. I'd just do that with you right now, but I know that if I do, I'm going to be crazy about you. The thing
is, I still won't know you. I'll lose control of my emotions and at least today that scares me."
"I understand that completely. I'm exactly the same way. By waiting, we'll have an opportunity to sort of find out what each other's expectations might be. It makes a lot of sense." Then turning and staring right into my eyes, he added, "Finally, the most important rule: no lies. Absolutely none. There is no excuse for any lies, even the kind everyone tells just to save the feelings of the other party. If we are getting to know each other, we need the truth."
"Wow, you seem to have already given these rules some thought." I tried to say it with a bit of a smile in my words but, truthfully, he'd taken me by surprise with just how many rules he'd put on the table straight away. It was strangely comforting to have him assume control like this. It made me feel valuable.
"I have given this thought. I've been saving that list for a special person. It's a list I put together when I tried to analyze where I failed in the past. I don't know you and being totally truthful with you I might scare you away, but something just tells me I won't. When I said I was dominant, I wasn't trying to express that I'm a type A personality. I mean to say that I enjoy being with a submissive. Do you think you could ever just enjoy being told what to do? I don't mean I'd boss you around the house. I'm talking about doing what I can to ignite a passion inside you that I believe is there. It's for intimacy. It's not for all the time."
"You see all that in me?"
"Call it an impression. Don't think of it as a weakness. This has everything to do with trust. Nothing will ever happen you don't want." Leaning forward, he looked at me as though he was waiting for something. "And you? Do you have any 'rules'?
"Well, you covered them pretty well, but I do have one. No avoiding me. If I call and leave a message, call me back. The guy I used to see would be unavailable to talk to, sometimes for days."
"Not to worry; I'm not that guy."
"You know, except for the nudity and the sex thing, it sounds like the rules you have when you have a boyfriend."
"Same ones. The only way to do this is like boyfriends respecting the same boundaries, otherwise this can get screwed up before it has a chance to get started. It might be temporary, but for now, you got yourself a boyfriend. Now let's see if this works." He smiled, and it softened the seriousness of our discussion.
I stepped back and reached out my hand and we shook on it. My cheeks were stretching apart in a grin that matched his. He's just so damned pretty, I thought.
He pulled me in for a hug and whispered, "You know, if you have any scheduled dates for the future, I expect you to cancel."
"I don't," I said, struggling to hide that shiver that ran down my back.
"Good. Now, let's talk about the walking schedule and your school schedule. We need to get those to match."
"What? Oh, Scratch… right." For the rest of the afternoon we talked about taking care of Scratch. Richard brought up a major problem I hadn't considered. There were two days a week when I was tied up in classes all day. I had a small piece of patio in the back of my apartment that was fenced in, with a gate that led to the parking lot. The only solution was a doggie door. I'd have to get a door I could fit into the sliding glass door slot. I'd have to get something removable because the landlord was never going to allow me to put one in the wall. Come to think of it, I thought. He might not let me even have a dog. Shit.
Chapter Six
Jay
After Richard left, away from his distracting presence, I had time to think. I'd lived in this apartment for about a year. I didn't know if there were any special pet provisions in my lease. I'd never had to ask before. Running into my closet, I pulled out my little file box and flipped through the dog-eared files until I got to 'LEASE.' I pulled the file and sat down, pouring myself a cup of coffee and getting ready for a boring read.
I wasn't very far in when I found a clause which said I had to get permission from the landlord "prior" to bringing in a pet. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself, I thought. Surely he wouldn't be upset with me once he learned I didn't bring the dog home. After all, Scratch chose me. "Didn't 'cha boy."
There was just something about the look in Scratch's eyes. It made me think he understood everything I said. Maybe he did. After all, I didn't know how well the little guy had been trained. We discovered when Richard was here that he could sit, lay down, and when we walked him, he seemed to understand the concept of walking to my left without pulling out ahead.
I knew I owed Logan that phone call I'd promised him. Putting it off was only going to make me suffer over it, so I sat down to get it over with. Picking up the phone, I called his number. It rang once and he picked up. Without so much as a greeting he said, "Okay, I want all the dirt and don't leave out anything."
"Well, I apparently have a boyfriend."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, we talked and we both want the same thing."
"Is he good in bed?"
"I don't know yet. He started to give me a kiss and I thought it was about to go further. I really thought I wanted it to, but something inside just told me if I wanted to keep this guy I needed to find out who he was before I found out what he looked like with his clothes off! I know it's not my usual MO, but throwing myself at a guy and giving him everything he wants hasn't really been working for me. You know what I mean?"
"Well, not really, but I have observed that you've been a little on the easy side. I don't exactly attract the numbers of guys you do, so I don't have a lot of experience with being a big slut, but if you ask me, it's been effective."
I let him have his fun at my expense. "I know I could've had him 'for now,' but that isn't what I want. I need someone I can trust. I feel good about this guy—real good."
"I'm coming over."
"No! I need to talk to the landlord about Scratch, and Johnny is coming by to take me to dinner. We should be back by seven or so. Want to come by then?"
"Yeah, that sounds good to me, but out of curiosity, why don't you just call him 'Dad'? He's more of a dad to you than anything else."
"I don't know. I started off calling him Johnny and just never got used to anything else."
"Okay, fair enough. See you later."
Hanging up the phone, I picked up the apartment in preparation of Johnny's visit. There wasn't a lot to do since I'd cleaned up for Richard's visit already.
I got to know Johnny when I was fourteen, after mom walked in on me with a neighbor boy. It must have been quite a sight. When I turned my head, I saw Mom coming for me. I wiped my sleeve across my face and by the time I'd cleaned up, she had me.
She pulled me out of the room by my ear. I was trying to shove myself back into my pants, while at the same time trying not to trip as she pulled me into the hall. My neighbor Donny left in a hurry, and I never did see him again. After hours of discussion and having all of my alternatives laid out in front of me, I found myself walking down the street carrying a suitcase with nowhere to go. She'd given me a hundred dollars and told me she couldn't be my mother anymore. I was destroyed. I left behind my twin brother Robin and my older brother Finch. Finch had been given the same set of alternatives years earlier and had caved. She had him jumping through hoops. Maybe I should have done the same, but the tone in her voice and the list of going straight options given me made me feel hated in my own family.
My brothers and I were an unusual threesome. Robin and I were two peas in a pod. Robin was every bit as gay as I was. As I packed my suitcase, I told him to stay put. "You just sit tight and keep the roof over your head. I'd die if you were on the street. I'll let you know when I get settled."
It was summer when I found myself on the sidewalk with my suitcase, so shelter wasn't going to be a life or death issue. I just had to protect myself from the heat. I spent that night trying to fit my whole body on my suitcase.
It wasn't long before the hundred dollars was gone, and I'd found a park that had restrooms. As I walked around the park, a nice car pulled
over and parked. Johnny got out of the car, came over and started talking to me. He mostly wanted to know if I was homeless. Over the next few minutes, I started getting really annoyed by his questions and I lost it. "Look, I'm here in this park because my mother threw me out on the street because she caught me blowing my neighbor. I'm gay and she couldn't handle it. So that's why I'm here. Okay?"
"That's what I thought," Johnny said. "I'm gay too."
"I'm also not for sale."
An expression of horror on his face told me I'd gone too far and assumed too much. "Good boy," he said. "Not to worry; I'm not buying."
"So why are you talking to me?" I asked. After having seen the expression on his face, I felt bad about my blanket accusation. After all, he hadn't made any indecent proposals.
"I wanted to know if you needed a nice warm bed to sleep in and a shower, maybe a bite to eat?"
"No strings?"
"I would never try anything with you. I'm old enough to be your father. I'm not into that sort of thing."
"I'm sorry, sir. It's just that I've been out here awhile and stuff happens." Could he be the kind of guy he claimed to be? I needed help. I had no direction, but I knew this wasn't the time to be proud. He seemed like the kind of guy I could trust.
Over the next few days he took me to stores and bought me new clothes. I had my own bedroom, and he enrolled me in school. I lived with him for a few months before I found out he was talking with my mom behind my back. I found out when I called home to talk to Robin. Mom worked until five and Robin was home by three thirty. That gave me an hour to call him when I was almost certain she wouldn't answer the phone. Robin said, "Mom is talking to your friend Johnny. I heard them talking yesterday. He's trying to get her to agree to something. Maybe you're going to be able to come home."
I kept quiet about knowing they were talking. Then one night, Johnny came to me and said, "Jay, I've been very successful in my life. I'd like to be able to help you for a long time. I'd like to adopt you. I've been talking with your mother about it. She knows you know nothing about it. If I can get her to agree, would you be interested in that?"
Scratch the Matchmaker Page 3
