I didn’t say a word as he spoke, but my silent sobs verified that I was listening. He held me tighter as I cried, his own tears wet against the skin of my back as he buried his face against my shoulder.
“I don’t deserve anything that I’ve been given,” he concluded, much to my chagrin. “Not you, not Sadie, not Chris, not Blake. And it’s all starting to unravel.”
“No, baby,” I said into my tearstained pillowcase. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”
With the picture he’d just painted, it was easy for me to make the leap with him. The domino effect that radiated outward from Blake cutting herself out of his orbit. She was in so many ways the center of his universe, the one person who made him feel grounded and safe. The only individual who he’d ever believed could give him unconditional love, who had seen him at his worst and had given him her unyielding support. And of all things he’d done in his life, this time he’d finally crossed the line and made a choice she couldn’t stand behind.
If she could leave him, why wouldn’t I?
“We’ll fix this,” I breathed, an empty promise that we both recognized.
When he didn’t disagree, I reached down towards my feet and pulled the comforter up over the both of us. The thick fabric of the bedspread consumed me, making me hyper aware of how ice cold the conversation had left me. I shivered, despite the fact that the air temperature was anything but chilly.
We said no more, lost in our own heads. Quite some time later, I felt the tension leave his muscles as his body gave into slumber, but my own brain was working overtime.
Somehow, some way, I had to make good on my vow.
Chapter Eighteen
Blake
“You’re pregnant.” Gracie greeted me as I breezed into the workroom at Taylor Alexander Design Studio.
I froze in my tracks, purse still hooked on my shoulder and not yet deposited into my bottom desk drawer. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, along with the distinct urge to spin on my heels, return to the sidewalk outside the storefront, and repeat my entrance with different results.
“Excuse me?” I asked instead.
“You’re pregnant.”
The revelation didn’t phase her, as she barely looked up from the sample books she had spread out on the table. I knew for a fact that she was beyond busy, having taken over all new residential clients, as well as the bulk of my existing base. When she’d signed on as partner, we’d agreed that I’d focus my expertise on the commercial side of the business, something she’d never really gotten involved in and honestly didn’t have much of a desire to specialize in. I took her blasé reaction as the respite it was, wordlessly thanking her for a moment to compose myself.
As it was, I could barely open said desk drawer and plop my bag in without hyperventilating. My pulse thundered in my ears, and my hand trembled as I pulled out my stool and perched myself on top of it.
“How did you know?” I stage whispered, as if we weren’t the only ones in the room.
She looked up at me, her chocolate brown eyes earnest in their assessment of the situation. “We spend nearly every waking moment together. As a result, our cycles are exactly the same. Every twenty-eight days, I do a victory dance in my bathroom that Will and I have dodged another bullet, and you come in to work looking like your dog just died. This morning, we’re both happy.”
“I’ve told you before that the pill is very effective. I’ve never had a pregnancy scare.”
Her face contorted, and I realized that the accuracy of that statement was in question.
“I’ve not had a pregnancy scare since I began using it,” I amended.
“I know, I know, mother,” she glared meaningfully, “you can spout off all the statistics and percentages you want. But I’m already a one in a million kind of girl, and I operate with no regard to the rules.”
“It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” I mused, “a surprise mini Will or Gracie. I bet your children would be absolutely adorable.”
“Does Chris know?” she asked, deftly changing the subject.
“That would be a negatory, captain. I took the test this morning, after he’d already left for work. He had an early shift today.”
“So you told me before you told your husband?”
“I didn’t exactly tell you.”
She waved her hand in the air. “It’s all semantics. You wouldn’t have made it through the day without saying something.”
“Oh yee of little faith. I had psyched myself up the whole way here not to reveal anything. Of course, my plan relied heavily on you being bogged down with a schedule full of offsite appointments.”
“No such luck, dearest. This is my studio day. I’m here to torment you for the long haul. And right now, that’s looking like a pretty good plan, considering that I obviously need to remind you to breathe.”
Taking her advice, I drew air into my lungs and tried to focus.
She hopped down from her stool, coming over to stand behind me. Her hand rested on my shoulder, squeezing supportively.
“This is what you always wanted,” she reminded me. “You’re prepared for this. You’ve been thinking about this for years, planning for me to hold down the fort here in recent months and making it a reality. Perhaps you’re the one with little faith. I’ll show you I can handle it. We’ve got plenty of time. So get on the phone with your doctor, schedule your first prenatal appointment, and get on with the fun stuff. Like how you’re going to tell Chris.”
I shook my head, a feeble attempt to clear the cobwebs.
“I’m thinking maybe we’ll go shopping,” she continued, putting aside her hectic calendar in lieu of much more pressing issues, “stop by the little people section and pick up a pair of baby booties. Wrap them up in a tiny box and you can give him his present when you get home.”
I stared at her in disbelief.
“Don’t tell me you saved the pregnancy test kit. I know some people do it that way, but I think it’s gross to hand someone else a piece of plastic that you peed on. I don’t care if you are having sex with him; some bodily functions are not a gift.”
“I didn’t save the test kit,” I confirmed.
I’d wrapped up the evidence in the plastic shopping bag it came in and removed it from the house proper, disposing of it in the trash bin that would be rolled out to the curb on Tuesday evening. The action itself had brought back memories of when I’d been eighteen, dead set against him ever finding out. Though the circumstances were entirely different now, I still didn’t want Chris to learn of my condition via something in a wastebasket.
“Well good.” She paused a moment, then snapped her fingers in front of my face to get my attention. “Hello? You are going to tell him tonight, right?”
After recovering from her startling me while mid-reverie, I nodded slowly. “I was planning to.”
“Then what’s your deal?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you the same thing? Miss Firmly Anti-Procreation is now front and center in helping me break the news? Next you’ll be telling me you’re mailing out invitations and baking cupcakes for my baby shower.”
“Would you like me to?”
I shook my head.
“Look,” she clarified, “I know that I was less than enthusiastic when She Who Will Not Be Named got pregnant. But things have changed since then, and maybe I’m getting soft in my advanced age. As long as I’m not the one who’ll have to go through labor, I’m cool with blessed events.”
“About that?” I asked hesitantly, knowing I was dangerously close to breaking the no family drama rule at the workplace.
“Hmmmm?”
“Well, I’m sure you understand anyway, but because this is brand new, I’d appreciate it if you kept this quiet for now. And by quiet, I mean that you can tell Will if you want, but no one else.”
Gracie said nothing for a moment as my words sank in. I really didn’t expect her to betray my confidence and share something so personal with
anyone, but for my own sake, it needed to be said. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid that she’d run off and blab to Lauren or Matthew, it was more that the less people that knew at this time the better. Saying it out loud made things more real, and given my history, I wasn’t yet ready to believe. I wasn’t yet convinced that it would end up happening. And I couldn’t bear the thought of telling a whole list of people if things ended horribly.
“They’ll find out,” Gracie warned.
“I know. Just not now, please?”
“I won’t say a word. But what if Chris does?”
She raised a valid point. I had suspicions that Chris still spoke with Matthew, though he kept it from me. And honestly, I couldn’t be upset with him for doing so. Our crazy little triangle had survived when Chris and I had been at odds, so why would I expect anything different when Matthew and I were fighting?
Chris and Matthew had always been close, no matter what. And I couldn’t demand that to change just because of me. Sure, I might not embrace it, but there was a friendship there that even I couldn’t deny. I refused to analyze that the potential root of the unrest in that grouping was always me.
“It’s Chris’s news too,” I conceded.
Suddenly I was back in the passenger seat of the Civic on Lauren and Matthew’s wedding night, pouring out my heart to Chris. Upon hearing that my brother didn’t yet know my secret, Chris had threatened to tell him if I didn’t do it first. After all, as he’d reasoned, since he was responsible for the baby as much as I was, he had as much ownership of the situation as I did. And again, I couldn’t fault his logic.
Given the precarious nature of the circumstances, I could reasonably convince Chris to not share for a few weeks, at least until we’d seen the doctor and confirmed things. But I’d never ask him to withhold this from his best friend, no matter the friction between Matthew and me. Maybe this time, I did want Chris to tell.
But what would this development really do in the scheme of things? What was the outcome that I wanted? Because ultimately, this could either fix everything or it could drive the wedge between us deeper.
Gracie chewed on her lip, debating how much she wanted to get into this inside the confines of our office space. I regretted putting her in the position she was in now: caught in the crossfire between her own best friend and her business partner. She was doing an admirable job of remaining outwardly neutral, but I couldn’t imagine her not forming an opinion one way or the other on where she stood. While she was in my presence, I never doubted her loyalty to me, but I wondered when she went home, did Lauren feel the same?
“We don’t have to figure all of this out today,” she advised.
“I’m glad, because it’s overwhelming.”
“The last thing you need is to get all worked up about it. So today, we are just going to be happy. Because this is a good thing, right?”
“Right,” I agreed.
That settled, we proceeded with the rest of our morning just like it was any other Monday, and I wasn’t about to embark on a life altering journey. We both sat at our respective stations, deep in thought and occasionally trading opinions about our individual projects. I realized I could learn a lot from my partner’s ability to compartmentalize. She clearly had her work brain turned on, and it was infinitely easier for me to focus when I was following her lead.
At precisely noon, some sort of switch flipped, and Gracie slammed her binder shut. “Time for lunch!” she announced cheerily.
Given that both of us were just as liable to skip an afternoon meal or run to a gas station to grab a snack, this was hopelessly out of character. But she had her big idea, and I knew there were more important battles to fight. I’d let her have her moment. Besides, the baby bootie idea was better than the option I’d come up with: run through the door and announce my findings before I could chicken out.
It felt foreign walking through the baby department of the local superstore without stopping to purchase something for Sadie. Reflexively, my hand brushed against a turquoise dress that would fit my niece perfectly. Gracie gently redirected me over to the newborn section, where she selected a pair of tiny white shoes.
“I never understood why babies need shoes,” she mused as she thrust the package into my hands, “but they sure are damn cute.”
“Very true,” I agreed.
Without a word about clothing for little girls, we grabbed a small gift bag, simply green in color, to allow the presentation to have its full effect. No sense in tipping off Chris to what this was all about.
Back at work, we adhered to the status quo, Gracie picking up that the best course of action was business as usual. She knew without question that my mind was spinning with about a thousand scenarios and she allowed me to work through them all at my own pace. Perhaps she felt guilty about scooping Chris, but the woman was just that observant.
The minute the clock struck five, she raised her eyebrows pointedly and I took that as my cue to leave. She promised to lock up, waving me away with a wish of good luck. I promised that I’d tell her all about it in the morning.
As I fully expected, Chris was home and whipping up something in the kitchen when I arrived. Since the fallout with Matthew, we’d settled into a sort of routine - Chris tended to draw early shifts so he could be with me in the evenings, perhaps to observe my ever changing mental state. In my opinion, the past few weeks had run smoother than normal, as if I was getting used to us being our own little entity instead of in a group. Though there were no issues with us and Will or Gracie, the two of them tended to keep to themselves, cocooned in their newfound relationship. That wasn’t necessarily such a bad idea.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted.
“Hey, angel.”
Before Chris turned around from the stovetop, I instinctively hid the gift bag behind my back. If I presented it now, then dinner would be forgotten and I suddenly had a very strong desire to eat. The aroma of something outrageously good assaulted my nostrils, and my plans for the evening altered in order to include it.
“I’m going to go change,” I decided aloud.
I sidled up to his back, my breasts brushing up and down his spine as I stood up on my tiptoes and stole a quick kiss on his cheek. His muscles tensed in a positive way, his grip tightening on the wooden spoon he was armed with so that it wouldn’t disappear into the pan. Attraction had never been an issue between us, and I supposed it never would be. Especially now.
“Looks like it’s almost done,” I assessed, returning squarely to my feet and pulling away.
He cleared his throat before answering. “Yep.”
“Well, whatever it is, it smells heavenly.”
True to my word, I rushed into the master bedroom to change my clothes, setting the gift bag on Chris’s side of the traditionally shaped king sized bed. There were moments when I still longed for my old round mattress, but it was so worth the tradeoff to have the love of my life back in it with me again.
If nothing else, I could make the big reveal later tonight before we fell asleep. Leaving the evidence here would force me to confront the truth at some point within the next few hours. And maybe I needed a little help in bringing it up.
As I pulled on my yoga pants, my reflection caught my eye in the full length mirror hanging on the wall opposite me. I turned sideways, hand over my still flat belly and imagined what it would be like to watch it expand in the coming months.
“Dinner’s ready!” Chris called from down the hall.
I shook away the vision of the future and rushed out to the kitchen, lest my husband think something was wrong. But there was something wrong about all of this. For as much as Chris and I both wanted a baby, I had never imagined going through a new pregnancy seemingly alone. Sure, I had Gracie, but she would be zero help in the talking through it department. I could bend her ear, but she had absolutely no experience and on top of that, no desire to gain any. I’d always assumed I would lean on Lauren for that.
After all, Lauren had made
me such a big part of her own pregnancy and delivery. Even though the price I’d paid emotionally at the time had been great, it was only towards the very end of the ordeal that I’d even let anyone in on that fact. Despite my own past, I’d cherished the opportunity to be beside her most every step of the way. I’d held her hand while Sadie made her debut, offering support to both her and my brother, the bond between the three of us never stronger.
So maybe it burned a little bit to think that history wouldn’t repeat itself. It wouldn’t be me in yet another delivery room, a death grip on Chris with one hand and on Lauren with the other. Never mind that given the animosity between the two even if we were still the best of friends, Lauren’s cheering me on would be from the comfort of the waiting room. But I’d never doubted the certainty of her presence at the occasion. Or my brother’s. I’d always dreamed that they would be the third and fourth to see my baby, perhaps jockeying with Chris’s mother for position.
But not now. Arlene Taylor’s spot was no longer in jeopardy. And as much as I loved my mother-in-law, I couldn’t say that that was a good thing.
Chris pulled out my stool for me at the breakfast bar, taking my hand and helping me up to my seat. My plate was already resting on the granite countertop waiting for me. He’d prepared grilled fish with some sort of a sauce spooned on top, along with a side of rice and asparagus. My mouth watered just looking at it, and I eagerly raised my fork.
“Did you skip lunch today?” Chris laughed.
I shook my head, stalling as I chewed and swallowed my first bite. “Gracie wanted to run some errands and I went with her. We stopped and got a sandwich on our way back to the studio.”
Which wasn’t exactly a lie. Gracie had been the one who suggested going out, though my news had been the impetus for her need to. If she hadn’t have suggested a stop for baby booties, I may very well have worked through lunch and been at the mercy of whatever the gas station down the street had stocked on their shelves. It wasn’t as bad as it sounded; their personal sized pizzas were actually pretty decent.
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