“You’re not broken,” I said, drawing his attention back up. “Sometimes fear makes us do crazy, oftentimes hurtful things. When we love someone, we fear losing them. It can make us irrational.”
“I think that’s what happened with Lexi,” he said. “She was the first girl I actually cared about, and I was afraid she’d dump me or hurt me… so I acted like a total shithead and hurt her first. And with Cas…” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I was hoping you could help me.”
“With what?”
“Well, you’re gay,” Ryan said. “Maybe you can talk to him? I think I’m the first person he’s come out to, so I’m sure he’s struggling and could use someone to talk to who understands what he’s going through. I’ll only make it worse if I try.”
I heard the shower shut off.
So did Ryan.
“Is someone here?” he asked, his brow dipping in the middle.
What the hell do I do?
Saying no would be an obvious lie. But saying yes would prompt more questions.
“It’s okay if you have a guy over,” Ryan said. “I mean, it’s definitely something I don’t wanna think about, but you’re allowed to be happy, Dad.”
His words made my eyes water. I’d wanted to hear Ryan say that for so damn long, and when he finally did, I couldn’t even enjoy it because of the guilt suffocating me.
And then it got even worse.
“Okay, shower’s all yours, big guy,” Cason said, walking around the corner in just his boxers, his hair damp.
My heart stopped. Just fucking stopped beating. I couldn’t even breathe.
“Cas?” Ryan asked, standing from the barstool.
Cason gaped and looked at me before focusing on Ryan. His mouth moved, but no sound came out.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ryan asked, stepping toward him.
“Ry… I…” Cason stammered. “I can explain.”
Ryan turned to look at me, fire blazing in his eyes. “Are you fucking my best friend?”
The answer must’ve been written on my face, because Ryan’s nostrils flared and he flung back around and punched Cason in the jaw.
“Ryan!” I yelled, charging toward him.
Cason raised an arm to block a second punch, and then Ryan tackled him. His fists blurred as he jabbed at Cason’s stomach and chest.
“My dad?” he screamed, his voice breaking. “You fucking asshole!” I wrapped my arms around Ryan from behind and pulled him off Cason. “Let go of me!”
“Calm down,” I yelled, holding his arms tighter so he couldn’t hit me.
“You’re both sick,” Ryan shouted before spitting at Cason. “Going behind my back. How long has this been going on? Huh?” He thrashed around in my arms.
Blood streamed from Cason’s nose, and his bottom lip was cracked open. His cheeks were wet with tears. “I’m sorry,” he said, getting to his feet.
Ryan brought his head back and smacked me in the face, causing me to lose my hold on him. Then he was grabbing Cason and shoving him against the wall, punching at his gut again.
“I trusted you,” Ryan said, losing momentum after a few punches and slumping to the floor, his knuckles red. “I see now why you were so interested in my relationship with my dad. You’re fucking unbelievable.”
“I’m sorry,” Cason said again, stepping away from the wall. “I-I’ll leave.”
“No,” I said, reaching for him.
But he put his hands up and jerked away from me. “Don’t, Emery. Just don’t.”
As Cason walked down the hall, Ryan glared up at me from his spot on the floor. “I won’t forgive you for this.”
“We didn’t mean to hurt you,” I said, feeling at a loss. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, sure it is.” Ryan stood on shaky legs. “You’re fucking my best friend. What, ran out of guys your own age?”
Cason came back into the room, wearing his clothes from the night before and holding his keys. He didn’t even look at me as he headed for the door that led into the garage.
“I see how it is,” Ryan called out to him. “Running away like a damn coward.”
“What do you want me to say, Ryan?” Cason said. “I fucked up, okay? I shouldn’t have gone behind your back. But you know what? I don’t regret it, and I’m not sorry.”
“Wow, you suck at apologies.”
“If you weren’t so stuck up your own ass, we wouldn’t have had to hide it from you,” Cason said, as more tears streamed down his face. “But, no. Instead, you had to act like a damn homophobic brat and treat Emery like shit, therefore making me fucking terrified to tell you. So go ahead and blame me and Emery for going behind your back, but then take a damn good look in the mirror and ask yourself why we kept it from you.”
“Fuck you, Cas.”
“Enough,” I said, and both of them looked at me—one with anger and one with a sadness so profound my heart cracked even more than it already had. “We’re all adults here. Act like it.”
“I have a better idea.” Ryan strode toward the door. “I’m outta here. You two have fun.”
“Ryan, wait,” I said, going after him. But then Cason was leaving too, walking into the garage and getting into his car. “Cason! Goddammit.”
Ryan peeled out of the driveway and sped down the road as Cason backed out of the garage. He stopped and looked at me standing on the porch. I shook my head, imploring him with a look to come back into the house.
But he didn’t.
He left too.
And then I was alone, left with nothing but guilt and a hole in my heart.
***
“Come on, answer,” I said as I called Cason for the fourth time that day. His voicemail picked up, and I didn’t bother leaving a message.
I doubt he’d listen to it anyway.
Five days had passed since Ryan found out about us, and the only interaction we’d had was a text Cason had sent that just said, We can’t do this anymore.
He had read—but ignored—every text I sent after that. He refused to return my calls.
Ryan wasn’t speaking with me either. But I sure got an earful from Amber. Ryan told her, and she called yelling at me and calling me a pervert. She then said I had confused Cason and turned him gay and that I should’ve been ashamed of myself for corrupting such a good kid.
My life was in shambles.
The only thing keeping me sane was my work. I threw myself in it, staying late at the office every night that week because I dreaded going back to an empty house. I had to prepare for court for an upcoming drug-related case and then try to reach an agreement with the other side in a contested divorce.
Jeff Ritter’s second appeal had been denied, and he had decided not to go for a third. His case had done nothing but stress me out, so having it finally be over was a small bit of relief in an otherwise shitty week.
“Is there anything you need me to do before I leave?” Becca asked, popping into my office that Friday afternoon.
I looked up from the computer. “No, you can go. Have a good weekend.”
She hesitated in the doorway. “Are you okay, Em? You’ve seemed off this week.”
“I’m fine.”
“Bill and I are going to Friday’s for dinner if you want to join us.”
“Bec, I’m okay,” I said, offering a tight smile. “I have a lot of work to do.”
Her blonde ponytail bounced as she nodded. “All right. See you Monday.”
A little after six o’clock, I locked up the office and got into my car. I drove through town, not realizing where I was going until I sat in the Academy parking lot. Cason was working today. Showing up at his work was an awful idea, but he wasn’t returning my calls or texts and I was getting desperate.
I walked inside the store, my stomach tangled in knots and my palms clammy.
“Hi, can I help you find anything?” a girl asked.
Before I could respond, I heard, “Emery?”
Turning around, severa
l emotions smacked into me at once. First, relief that he was okay. But there was also sadness when seeing the dark bruising on his face and his cracked lip.
“Hi,” I said.
“I got this one, Jade,” Cason told the girl, not taking his eyes off me. Jade walked away, and Cason stepped closer. The light in his eyes was gone, and he looked so… broken. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you we were done.”
“You can’t say shit like that and not give me a chance to respond,” I said. “Ryan’s behavior was appalling, but that doesn’t mean you need to push me away.”
“Why not?” Cason looked around before tugging on my suit sleeve and dragging me to an empty aisle. “That’s reason enough to end this.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“He’s your son, Emery.” His tone might’ve been angry, but his eyes remained emotionless. I hated it. “He fucking hates my guts right now. You and I can’t be together without causing even more conflict.”
I knew he had a point, but I was thinking with my heart not my brain. Because my heart needed Cason. He’d made it start beating again after so much time feeling lost and fragmented.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I managed to say past the lump in my throat.
Finally, emotion sparked in his eyes. A heartbroken look that clawed at my chest. Cason pressed himself close and grabbed my face, kissing me. His lips trembled against mine as a strangled whimper left him, one filled with raw pain.
And then he pushed me away.
“You should go,” he said, averting his gaze.
“Cason…”
“Dammit, Emery,” he snapped, looking at me. “We knew it would all come crashing down eventually. Stop making it harder and just accept it.”
How could I? Cason was used to people disappointing him. Hurting him. I didn’t want to be another name on that list. I wanted to take care of him, to protect and love him the way he deserved to be.
“I can’t accept it,” I said, nearing him. He bumped into the shelf behind him, his gaze flickering to my mouth and back up again.
“Well, you have to.”
“No.” I pressed closer. “I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
“Emery,” he croaked, as a single tear slipped from his eye.
“Say you love me too.”
“You know I do,” he said, his bottom lip trembling. He then stepped to the side and put more distance between us. “Goodbye, Emery.”
As he walked away from me, I stared at his retreating form and felt the last bit of hope in my chest crumble. It really was the end.
***
“I know you’re mad, but please talk to me,” I said, standing outside Ryan’s dorm room as he held the door, about to slam it in my face.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” he said. “You and Cason can go fuck yourselves.”
“We’re not together anymore.” Admitting it aloud hurt so damn much.
“Oh yeah?” A dry laugh left him. “Don’t let me get in the way of your relationship. That didn’t seem to matter before, so why does it now?”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt, Ryan—”
“Hurt?” Ryan interjected. “I’m not hurt, I’m fucking pissed. Because two people I love went behind my back. Now leave before I call campus security.”
He slammed the door in my face, and I stumbled back a step. Giving in to temptation had cost me everything.
Lonely and depressed, I stopped by the liquor store on my way home. And then I drank… and drank some more, as if the answer to my heartache lay at the bottom of the bottle. I called Cason again, and the call went to voicemail after two rings.
So then I called Jay. I had told him about the breakup a few days ago but had lied about how upset I was. I couldn’t lie anymore. I needed a friend.
“Hey, Cross,” he answered, sounding out of breath. A voice in the background murmured something before I heard a faint moan. “You caught me at a bad time.”
“Come over,” I said, lying in my empty bed. In my empty house. The alcohol buzzed in my veins and made me slur my words. “I don’t wanna be alone.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re a mess,” he said, sighing. “Fine. I’ll be over in a few.”
Twenty minutes later, Jay was knocking on my door. I let him inside, and he took one look at me and cursed under his breath.
“What the hell are you doin’ to yourself?” He guided me over to the couch and curled his nose at the collection of empty beer bottles.
“Sorry I interrupted your night,” I said, leaning my head back against the cushion.
“Yeah, you should be.” Jay started gathering the bottles, muttering in Russian under his breath. “I had a nice piece of ass in front of me and was just about to fuck him.”
“Piano man?”
“No,” Jay answered. “It was some guy I picked up at the bar.”
“You didn’t have to come over. But I’m glad you did.”
Jay left the living room and came back moments later with a glass of water. “Drink this. Don’t make that face and do it.”
I sipped the water before setting the glass on the side table.
“Look, I know how tempting it is to drink away your pain, but it’s not the answer.” Jay sat beside me on the couch. “The thing that made you drink in the first place will still be there when you sober back up.”
“Not if I keep drinking.”
“Smart, Cross. Become a drunk and lose your job as well as your relationship.”
“I don’t need a lecture,” I groaned, closing my eyes. “I just need… a friend.”
“You have one.” He patted my leg before withdrawing his hand. “I don’t want you falling back into old habits like you did after your divorce.”
I had turned to drinking then too, and there’d been many nights where I’d called Jay and begged him to come over. To help me forget about the shame and guilt and every other bullshit emotion I felt while trying to accept myself.
“I won’t,” I vowed.
“Good. Have faith things will work out.”
“Seems hopeless right now,” I mumbled.
“Baby steps,” Jay said. “That’s all you can do.”
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I woke up around 4:00 a.m. in my bed. I was wearing my sleep pants, and a glass of water was set on the bedside table. Had Jay put me to bed? With my head pounding, I left my bedroom and grabbed some Tylenol from the kitchen.
Sound came from the living room, and I padded down the hall, squinting against the bright light of the TV.
Jay was asleep on the couch, still wearing his clothes from the night before, minus his shoes. Blond hair swooped across his brow, and his expression was peaceful.
When we used to regularly sleep together, I used to like watching him sleep. It was like he was a totally different person. Not as cocky, more innocent. He also had a tendency to speak Russian in his sleep.
I grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and draped it over him before going back to bed.
Jay had been right. Drinking wouldn’t solve my problems. It hadn’t in the past, and it sure as hell wouldn’t this time either.
I’ll fix it.
I’d mend the broken relationship with Ryan and hopefully do the same with Cason. Hope. It was an evil beast, but I had no other choice. It was either stay positive and stay afloat or give in to defeat and sink back to the depths.
I had almost drowned before.
And I had no intention of going back to that dark place.
Chapter 23
Cason
“Zack is hot,” I said, sitting on a beanbag in Faith’s bedroom watching the Angels of Death anime she’d told me about. “For a psychotic killer anyway.”
She laughed and gently slapped my head. “Hey, I saw him first. He’s mine. Find your own adorable psycho to love.”
“Fine.”
“Peace offering?” She handed over the bag of Doritos.
I snatched the bag and ate a chip. “Peace is ac
cepted.”
After the fallout with Ryan and the breakup with Emery, Faith and I had started spending a lot more time together. She’d been worried about me falling into a massive depression, which she hadn’t been wrong. Knowing my shitty home situation, she had invited me over to her house and we’d watched anime and movies and sometimes played computer games. It had helped, but my heart still fucking hurt like a bitch.
It had only taken minutes for everything to fall apart with Emery. Each time I thought of him, a deep ache pierced my chest.
I once heard someone say it was possible to die from a broken heart, and as I sat there remembering the feel of Emery’s lips on my temple as he kissed me good night—remembering his raspy laugh and the gentleness in his blue eyes as he said he loved me—I put a hand over my heart. It felt like it was being ripped out.
“Have you heard from Ryan at all?” Faith asked a few minutes later.
“No.” The ache worsened, and I rubbed at the spot, finding no relief. “I’ve texted him and he hasn’t responded. I really fucked up.”
“You can’t help who you fall in love with,” Faith said, frowning. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s weird for him that you fell for his dad, but shit happens. It’s not like it was unethical or immoral. He needs to stop acting like a little bitch and get over it.”
I choked on a chip. “Damn, Faith. You’re savage.”
“Well, I don’t like seeing you upset.” She rested her cheek on her hand, a deep line marring her brow as she glowered. “I don’t know Ryan that well, but he seems like a selfish prick.”
“He can be,” I agreed. “But he can also be really awesome too. It sucks not having him around anymore.”
I stayed at Faith’s for another few hours and binged Angels of Death before leaving around ten that night. Her mom adored me and said I could come back anytime I wanted, even offered for me to stay the night. I politely declined and told Faith I’d talk to her later before getting in my car and driving off.
I drove to the park.
Clouds covered the moon as I walked along the trail toward the bench I used to visit all the time. One I hadn’t had reason to visit in months. But then everything had fallen apart and I’d found myself spiraling and in need of some kind of familiarity.
His Temptation Page 22
