by Dan Aldridge
THE VERY BEST OF ROBIN WILLIAMS
MEMORIES OF A COMEDY LEGEND
DAN ALDRIDGE
CONTENTS
Introduction
Quotes About Other Celebrities and Politicians
Comedy Quotes
What He Said About Himself
Interesting and Inspirational Quotes
Quotes from His Films
What Others Have Said About Him
Some Interesting Facts
INTRODUCTION
Naturally it’s never nice to hear of the death of somebody who’s on-screen presence has been a part of your life since you were young. But it takes the passing of somebody particularly special to shock the world and truly darken your day.
For as long as I can remember I have been a huge fan of Robin Williams. Mork & Mindy was always a family favourite and Popeye was even my one of my most watched videos as a child (though admittedly having watched it again in recent years it’s not the best of his films!).
Robin Williams was simply one of those personalities that couldn’t fail to make you smile. His natural skills as a comedian were like no other. His style was completely unique and he was a born entertainer whose gentle and friendly nature was evident in everything he did.
It’s unfortunate that, like many comedians before him, Robin Williams suffered a constant battle with depression. Though this was to ultimately and very sadly be the cause of his death, he leaves behind him a wealth of entertainment that will bring smiles to faces for many years to come.
This book brings together some of the most amusing, inspirational and thought provoking quotes from the comedy legend, as well as others’ reflections on the impact he had on their lives.
Aside from the last two chapters, all quotes are by Robin Williams himself.
QUOTES ABOUT OTHER CELEBRITIES AND POLITICIANS
'Oh my god, Jack Nicholson. He once was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said in a very intense voice: "Even oysters have enemies." I responded with "increase your dosage."'
*
'Having George W Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work.’
*
About his mentor Jonathan Winters:
‘He taught me that the world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable in a wonderful way.’
*
About when he spoke to Steven Spielberg during the filming of Schindler’s List:
'I called him when I was representing People for the Valdheimers Association. A society devoted to helping raise money to help older Germans who had forgotten everything before 1945. I remember him laughing and going "thank you".'
*
About George Bush:
‘We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like “We have to get rid of dictators,” but he's pretty much one himself.’
*
‘Michael [Jackson] is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?’
*
'Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, The Marx Brothers. Comedy is a great art when it works. I’ve never seen anything funnier than Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, that scene at the dinner table. That alone should get an award if you are just talking about sheer funny but they are always talking about ‘well, is it meaningful?’ Well, sure it’s meaningful if you come out and you had a great laugh.'
*
‘Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.’
*
'When I first met David Beckham, I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face'
*
‘I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.’
*
‘When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, “Can I use a lifeline?”’
*
'The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.'
*
‘When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?’
*
About Sarah Palin:
‘"I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.’
*
‘When I was growing up they used to say, 'Robin, drugs can kill you.' Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, 'Robin, you need drugs to live.' I realise now that my doctor is also my dealer...’
*
‘There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!’
*
‘You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.’
*
‘We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."’
*
And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle.
*
‘I'd play the Riddler in the next Batman, although it'd be hard to top Heath Ledger as the villain, and I'm a little hairy for tights. Plus, the Batman films have screwed me twice before: years ago they offered me the Joker and then gave it to Jack Nicholson, then they offered me the Riddler and gave it to Jim Carrey.’
*
‘There's so much to talk about. The fact that Donald Trump wants to see Obama's birth certificate. I want to see his hairline first.’
*
‘I loved working with Pacino. Al does this Method thing where before every take he roars like a lion. So my first day working with him I bleated like a goat: "What was that?!" "Hi Al, I'm here, it's just Robin, just playing." Playing scenes with him was a little surreal, because I was like, "I'm watching Al Pacino!" and then I'd realize I had to act, too.’
COMEDY QUOTES
'Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish. Give it up'
*
‘Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.’
*
'If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?'
*
‘God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.’
*
'Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.'
*
‘We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.’
*
'Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.'
*
'Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.'
*
'Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs'
*
'Never fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.'
*
'Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer – you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.'
*
‘We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything tha
t makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!’
*
'Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?'
*
'In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, "Stop, or I'll say stop again"'
*
'We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.'
*
'Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'
*
'The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery!'
*
'You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.'
*
'Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.'
*
During an awards ceremony in 2014, Williams joked about the glasses he was wearing, saying:
'My god! I have on nothing but Google Glass. And I'm downloading as we speak.'
*
'People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.'
*
‘They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!’
*
'Do you think Adam said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets”?'
*
“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators."
*
'In the midst of all this ranting, you can’t forget that in New York harbour, there is a statue that says, “Give me your tired, your poor…” And that doesn’t mean, “…for two weeks, to do light housework”.'
*
'Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.'
*
'A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.'
*
Speaking about being creative:
‘And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
*
On his financial dispute with Disney over Aladdin:
'The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is because he can't pick up a cheque'
*
‘Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."’
*
“Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [after no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”
*
‘I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."’
*
‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses”. She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, “you want a piece of me?”’
*
‘Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.’
*
'Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall rat!'
*
‘You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) “It’s the same sex all the time”.’
*
“I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.”
*
‘And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before!’
*
‘If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.’
*
'Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.'
*
'Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?'
*
'The French have a bomb, too. The Michelin Bomb – only destroys restaurants under four stars.'
*
'Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award". The other is "You want fries with that?"
*
‘When in doubt, go for the dick joke.’
*
‘Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.’
*
‘Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it “all the money,” but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.’
*
‘My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You
never have to drug test an African distance runner:
"Are you on drugs?"
"No, I'm looking for food."’
*
‘Spring is nature's way of saying, “Let's party!”’
*
‘You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.’
*
'We're dealing with fundamentalists. The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.'
