by Keith LaHue
"But it isn't James. This is, like it or not, real. It may not be what we want, or what we expect, but regardless, we've got to take it as it is. Not as we would want it to be. Come on, let's go. Before that guy wakes up."
"Okay." His spirit broken for the moment, they left the enclosure and descended the stairs. James stopped and looked at the statue of long-ago star gazers outside. He touched the statues. "I guess you guys weren't real either."
"Come on James. We've still got a lot of climbing to do. At least it's down this time."
"Fuck that. We're stealing a car. Look at it this way, if we get caught, we'll still wake up in our own beds in the morning. And then, of course, there is your party to go to tomorrow night. And every night." James was beginning to become seriously morose.
In the parking lot, he picked out an older model car, a little easier to steal, and soon they were on their way down. The gate was open this time. They passed the VW, still stranded at Hollywood and Vine. The streets were strangely quiet. James had no doubt that when he woke up in the morning, the VW would be in its parking place.
"James?" asked Donna.
"What?"
"Can I stay at your place? Maybe we could do something to break the loop if you know what I mean." There was softness in her voice that appealed to James. He felt saddened by the thought. A tear formed in his eye, and he started to cry. Not blubbering, just a few tears. He turned the car towards his place. "You're crying, James. That wasn't my intention. Not at all."
"It's just that...I'm wondering if you'll be there in the morning. Or if any of this will have happened. If you are finally out of your loop, the way I'm out of mine."
"I think I am. At least I hope so. And I'm going to try and cancel the party tomorrow. To see what happens."
James pulled into the parking space reserved for him at his apartment complex. They spent the rest of the night lost in a lovers embrace. At first, James wasn't sure he had actually done this before. Now he was sure he had. They lay awake most of the night afterward, planning the liberation of...where? This sure wasn't Los Angeles.
Morning didn't so much come, as was suddenly there. James woke up; Donna was still nestled into his shoulder. He kissed her awake.
Donna got up and made breakfast. Not that they needed to eat. James was more convinced than ever that they weren't real. How could anyone go without eating as long as he had? For Donna, he ate her breakfast so as not to be rude.
After breakfast, he did the dishes while she was busy phoning everyone she knew that was supposed to be at the party, and telling them it was off. Ninety percent of the calls didn't go through or went to voice mail. The few that she did get through to acted distant as if they couldn't understand what she was saying. She got to the end and let the phone rest.
"I'm not sure how successful I was," she admitted to James.
"What do you mean?"
"Either I've forgotten every phone number I've ever known, or whatever tried to stop us from getting to the telescope last night had its big fat hands on our plans to cancel the party. I didn't get through to most of them, and those that I did act weird. Like they didn't understand.
"I say we do something different today, leave, then come back here late, and see if the party went on without you."
"According to my memory, which is probably gibberish, that's happened before. In fact one time..." She stopped. "None of what I think has happened to me has happened has it?
"I don't think so. Want a tour of the perimeter of the city? It's not that big."
"Why not."
They left the apartment and found James' VW in the parking lot. This didn't surprise either of them. James navigated the labyrinth of "Lesser Los Angeles" as he had come to think of it. He coordinated the trip so they'd end up at Donna's place. He took her along the part of Los Angeles Crest Highway, explaining on the way that what they saw was only partly real. When he pointed out the areas that didn't exist, they both noticed a shroud of blue mist that hung over the areas where there was nothing. He pointed to where Catalina should be and it was the same, blue mist. They laughed when James had commented on the "Blue Smog" over only select parts of the city. The rest of it was crystal clear.
For routine's sake, they ate out twice, lunch and dinner. Both places picked arbitrarily. To see what would happen, they didn't pay. Nothing happened. When James had finished dinner, he'd told the waiter to fuck off and fuck his boss too. The waiter had taken this in stride and told them to have a nice day. James and Donna both got the idea that some people were more "real" than others. Maybe that would account for the lack of success with the phone Donna had gone through in the morning.
The real test was upon them. They had to see who would show up at her place for the party, which had been scheduled to begin at nine. They had parked in the hills to kill time. Now they were just pulling into the driveway. It was nearly empty. There were three cars there where there had been dozens. They looked at each other and got out of the car.
Inside, there were four people. None of them were drinking. Kenneth Loney looked up at the two of them as they came in through the front door. He looked lost. The other three, two men and a woman looked lost; they wandered the living room with a vacant gaze on their faces.
Kenneth looked at them with an intensity unmatched.
"Are you real?"
20
Dizzy woke up next to Sadie and Jimmy. The three of them had all crashed in the same bed. Generally, when he woke up, the first thing he thought of was how he was going to score more dope. He usually shook all day until he did off. Since yesterdays excursion to the Brooklyn Bridge that apparently led to Arizona, he'd felt no need to get high. Last night when they're returned to Jimmy's apartment, Sadie had done a shitload of coke, Jimmy and he had done nothing. Neither one of them wanted to get high. They didn't want to fuck Sadie either. She'd offered to do them both at the same time. They'd declined.
Dizzy whose real name was Jerome, shook Jimmy awake. Jimmy was still sleepy, but he gave permission for Jerome to use the shower and told him he'd find clean clothes in the closet. He added that Dizzy smelled, and it was about time. Jerome asked him to call him by his given name. Jimmy grunted and rolled over, hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep.
Jerome couldn't remember the last shower he'd had, nor if he'd ever had one. It felt good; he let the hot water massage away his stiffness from sleeping in a bed with two other people. Sadie had passed out in the middle while Jimmy and he had discussed what to do. He stepped out of the shower, dried himself off with expensive towels, and then dressed in Jimmy's clothes. They sort of fit, he thought and were better than the stinky garb he'd been dressed in.
He found real food in the refrigerator and was surprisingly hungry. It occurred to him that he wasn't truly hungry. Indeed he had never experienced it. He just wanted to eat. Most days (and he realized there was really one the one day they kept living over and over) he hadn't eaten. He had just shot dope. He found an Orange, peeled it and ate it. He thought it was better than dope. He decided to go for it and took out all the makings for a bacon and eggs and toast breakfast. He'd cook for all of them.
Jimmy awoke to the sound and smell of bacon cooking and coffee brewing. He sat up in bed and shook Sadie. Sometimes, most times, she took off before he got up. This time she had stayed overnight, and with Dizzy, Jerome, sleeping in bed with them. He shook her harder. She wasn't waking up. What the fuck? He rolled her over and felt for a pulse. He arm was cold. He knew she was dead even before he failed to find a pulse.
Alarmed, he got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. He picked up the phone and dialed 911. He told the person the answered they he needed an ambulance. His girlfriend had died in her sleep. He shed a tear at the thought of poor dead Sadie, and then realizing that she probably wasn't real, he stopped. Dizzy had overheard the conversation and had run into the bedroom.
"She's gone," said Jerome as he returned to the kitchen. "She’s dead. And she’s also missing. Gone."
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"What do you mean gone?"
"As in 'not here'. I don't think she's really dead. It wouldn't' surprise me one bit if she showed back up tonight. I'm not sure any of us can die here."
"But she was cold. And she had no pulse."
"What are you going to tell the cops when they get here? You were wrong and she got up and left?" Jerome had to chuckle at this.
"Let's leave before they get here." Jimmy picked up a piece of toast, had some eggs and downed a cup of coffee. Dizzy ate quietly; he looked like he was thinking. They finished up and left the dirty dishes. They wouldn't be coming back. At least they didn't think so. They were going to the Arizona, or wherever Jimmy had vanished into.
"So you're not a junkie anymore?" asked Jimmy as they hit the street. The ambulance he had called was just pulling up as they left.
"Apparently not. You know the food is just for show too. I don't think we ever need to eat. Come to think of it, when was the last time you had to...you know. Eliminated waste. I can't ever remember doing it. There was one time in my distant memory that involved pissing under an overpass on the Jersey side of the Hudson, but we know that's false as Jersey doesn't exist."
"You know you're pretty smart for an ex-junkie. I can't recall ever taking a shit either."
"Interesting that between the two of us, you're the blunter," Jerome said with a smile.
"Well, I worked on Wall Street."
"Point taken. You make your living being blunt, at least when it counts. I'm sure you were polite to your clients."
"I only reported to the boss. I didn't deal directly with the customers. C'mon, we've got supplies to pick up. There's a hardware store that should have most of what we need. If it’s real that is."
"So we're going to tie the ropes to a part of the bridge to anchor us, and then cross over? Do you really think that will work?"
"It worked when you were holding the rope. If push comes to shove, I'll go alone."
"Like hell, you will. I'm just as curious."
"We'll see how it goes. I think as long as there's some kind of tether to this world, Manhattan, we can go ahead and cross, as there'll still be a connection."
"What happens when we cut the connection? We could cease to exist."
"I don't think that will happen. At least I hope so. I think at worst the reset button will be hit, and we'll find ourselves back here. Probably with you looking for dope, and me doing blow and passing out with Sadie every night. We might get a second chance at this, we might not. All I know is that I don't want to just exist anymore, which is all we're doing. We'd be better off dead, or non-existent."
"I hear you, man."
They crossed Central Park and found the hardware store. They had everything they'd need. A two-man tent, canteens, more rope, everything you'd need for a long excursion into the desert. Jimmy paused at the insect repellant. He couldn't recall ever being bitten by a bug. In fact, he'd never seen a cockroach here in New York, where they were supposedly rampant. Ditto for rats and mice. It seemed whatever had brought them all into existence had left a lot out. He bought the repellant anyway, along with a snake bite kit. Who knows how much time and energy the creator had put into Arizona. They bought two packs, sleeping bags and everything else they had thought of last night when Jimmy and Dizzy had stayed up late making a list while Sadie sought oblivion. Jimmy put everything on a credit card that would never be paid.
Once they were equipped they walked south towards the bridge. Jimmy thought Dizzy looked a little nervous. To be honest he was too. While he knew that neither one of them was alive in the sense that they knew to be “true”, he still wanted to exist, and he was sure Dizzy did too. So the creators had instilled a sense of self-preservation. In a world gone crazy, the desire to persevere had been built into them.
They had bought food and filled two canteens each with fresh water. Never mind that they might not need either. Both Jimmy and Jerome had thought that while these things might not be needed here, they just might be in the desert. So they equipped themselves the best they could.
The arrived at the bridge around noon, if time had any real meaning. They strapped the backpacks on, tied the rope around there waists, and the other end of the ropes they tied to the bridge itself.
The moved slow, never speaking. Near the middle, they both started to get scared. But they weren't about to back out now. If non-existence was the result, or a reset or whatever, it was better than knowing you were alive without being truly alive; merely existing. They entered the mist...
They both looked at each other, stunned, as they surveyed the Arizona landscape. The Grand Canyon was far off in the distance, but they could see it, sort of. It was the only true proof of what state they were in. They still had the ropes tied around them. Jerome pulled on his, it was taut. They were still tethered to New York.
"You go first. Untie yourself," said Jimmy.
"Why me?" said Jerome. "Why don't you go first?"
"Okay, we go at the same time. On three?"
"On three."
Jimmy started the countdown, and they untied the ropes at the same time.
The past fell away from them. They were in the desert southwest. While they retained all of their preset memories of Manhattan, the past seemed distant, obfuscated. Jimmy thought of Sadie, it took him a few minutes to conjure up an image of her in his head.
Jerome remembered being a junkie, which was about it. The people and places he knew had dissolved. Had any of it been real?
"Well, we made it Dizzy. We're not in New York anymore."
"Don't call me Dizzy. My name is Jerome."
"Sorry."
"So, what now?"
"I'm not sure. My geography sucks. As if I ever had any. I think there's a city named Phoenix somewhere in this state. But I'll be damned if I know which direction to go to find it." Dizzy took out a package containing a compass that they'd bought at the hardware store. He removed it from its box. The needle, which was supposed to lock in on magnetic north, spun wildly. He showed it to Jimmy.
"I was afraid of that. Things that are supposed to work won't. On the plus side, I feel no need for food or water. Seeing as neither of those things is here, and we're stuck with what we've got, that's a good thing."
"I'm not even remotely hungry or thirsty. I think when we eat or drink, it more the memory of our obviously fake and incomplete past that compels us."
"So where to?"
"Let's go the Canyon. It's stunning even if it isn't real."
"Think we'll need the sunscreen?"
"Let's go without it for a while. If one of us sees the other turning red, we'll put it on. I'm glad we both bought hats. I do feel the heat, it's markedly warmer here." He looked up. "But there's still no sun. It looks hazy, but there's no center to the light. It just comes from all over, same as New York."
"Let's walk. We don't know how far away the Canyon is from here. We can be reasonably sure it isn't an illusion, but distances can be deceiving. This part of the world looks a lot bigger than Manhattan. Whatever, or whoever built this didn't even bother to build the entire five burrows of New York. Who knows what they did with this one."
"I'm game. Let's go."
They walked for some inconceivable amount of time. They never felt tired, got thirsty or hungry. They were about halfway to the Canyon, at least as far as they could tell when the light faded abruptly, just like it did in New York. They made camp, just using the light from their lamps to see, as there was no firewood, and they'd lacked the resources to procure any as if they could have carried it, to begin with.
They slept early, not because they were tired, more because they wanted what had been a long day to be over. They were a little scared, so they talked for a while.
Neither one of them knew what to expect next, wild beasts or Indians; anything could happen, or nothing. Gradually they drifted off into whatever passed for sleep in this half-life. Their sleep was dreamless. It always was.
21
Art
imus was daydreaming in his home when Caius entered his domicile. He took a seat and looked Artimus over as if expecting him to say something. When his silence replied, he broke the news.
"Two of the inhabitants of the New York civilization have crossed out of their environment into the adjacent area. The old west of what would become the United States."
"I've been working on the very same thing for weeks. How did they achieve this?"
"Unknown. Our best Mage's are on it."
"Do we have any idea what level of consciousness they've attained?"
"Well, they must have broken out of the confines of the spell per se, and become self-aware. Their part of the construct was one of the earliest that was built. So they'd had a long time to realize they were living the same day over and over. They're definitely exceeding the parameters of the spell." Caius looked lost in reverie. Artimus took notice at his friends' obvious discomfort. "Why are you so down in the mouth?" he asked.
"It's just that...I've been conscious for several weeks, and I can't get used to the idea that I'm not real, and none of my memories are real. My wife that died never existed. It seems a cruel twist of fate. The spell is imperfect. We cannot progress. We'll never exceed the confines of the spell, even if we do get to New York. It would be the same."
"Au contraire my friend, we've already exceeded it. The entire population of Rome is alive and self-aware. That's an accomplishment. None of us need to go through the tired machinations of daily life. We eat only when we desire the taste of food. We never have to eliminate waste because it was never a part of the original design. I have a feeling that whatever being created us is human. And he's asleep at the switch. He left all of us turned 'on' way too long. That's the crux of the issue. We've seen scant little of our creators. There is the little boy, who has on occasion manipulated us, but he can't possibly be the creator. I've sensed his magic, it's dormant. No, whoever created us hasn't been to visit for a long time. Nor can we be sure that time here moves in the same way as it does 'out there'. It's possible that even in the New York setting that time may move differently there."
