“It doesn’t feel that way.” I press a kiss to her cheek, close to her ear. “Does it?”
She shakes her head in reply, and her stare flutters to mine. There’s pain, so much pain laced with regret and disappointment, and all I want to do is take it all from her. I want to shoulder every last bit of it on her behalf so that maybe she can see that it’s not all about what you know or what you hear. It’s not the story you’re told of a past that defines the person in front of you and what they’re willing to do for you.
Jo is right—I would do anything for her. Anything to make her happy and keep her safe.
“Doc…” Her voice trembles as I press a kiss to her other cheek, resisting the temptation to take what I want from her, the way I want it and exactly how I know she needs it too.
“I’m not like him, and you are nothing like any of the women I’ve ever had. You are pure fucking sunshine, Avery. You’re smart, strong, caring…”
“And married.” She pulls away, looking around us as though she needs a quick escape. “Married people don’t…they don’t do this.” Gesturing between us, she gets up and takes a step back.
“Not for much longer, and anyhow, marriage only stands for anything if the person you’re married to means something. If you mean something to them.”
“Is that why you cheated on your wife? Because she meant nothing?” A tear escapes her, and angrily she swipes at it in frustration.
“Michelle and I were a disaster waiting to happen from the moment we hooked up.” I take a deep breath and force myself to relax, even though I know that dredging up the past is only going to make the guilt swarm through me.
It doesn’t matter that Michelle wasn’t a model wife, that her interest was in the lavish lifestyle she could have married to me. The feelings she had were over the money and class. It was a materialistic alliance, and in the end, it was a calamity. It all got too much and blew up monumentally.
“Trying to conceive a child only made things worse between us. The thing she was hoping would fix us was the ultimate nail in our coffin. Hormones don’t mix well with continuous disappointment, and the pressure…no one tells you about how consuming it all is.”
“It’s not an excuse.”
“No, it’s not.” I blow out a breath, feeling some of the weight on my shoulders dissipate along with the tightness in my chest when she takes a step closer. “It all got really cold, colder than it already was. At some point it all became about the biology and cycles. The best times, the best…ways.”
Avery stands right in front of me, stony-faced and looking more magnificent than ever. I understand why this conversation is hard for her. I get why she can’t understand. It feels like the biggest goddamn punishment to be talking to her about my past. I’m at her mercy right now, and it strikes me that this is exactly the position I swore I’d never put myself in again, after what happened with Michelle.
“It sounds exhausting.” Avery’s voice is soft when she finally speaks.
“It got really fucking tiring. Even though I didn’t want any of it anymore, I didn’t feel like I could tell Michelle that I was done.”
“Wouldn’t it have been better?”
“Yes, it would have been the right thing to do. The right thing, however, seemed too hard at the time. In hindsight, it would’ve been a lot easier and a lot less messy.” Taking a deep breath, I continue. “The divorce was a shitshow. I had to give up the one thing I actually loved and worked my ass off for. My career was the most important thing at the time, the constant that kept me going even when everything else felt lacking, and I lost it because of sheer stupidity and cowardice.”
“Because you couldn’t keep it in your pants,” she asserts.
“That too.”
With a nod, Avery licks her teeth before she asks, “That night, by the pool, you asked me if I really thought I had nothing left. Why?”
Surprise warms my chest when her fingertips ghost the backs of my hands as she stands almost flush to one of my knees.
“You still have the one thing that matters most to you. You have Iris, and there isn’t a single person who isn’t going to fight with you to make sure that never changes.”
“Including you.”
“Especially me, sunshine.”
“The absurd thing about it all is that I know you’re a good man, Garrett. Your past doesn’t change anything you’ve done for me. It just hits home too damn hard, and I need time…to process and to deal with all…this stuff.” One of her hands flattens to the side of her head. “Maybe I need to talk to someone. I don’t know… All I’m certain of right now is that I need time.”
“Take all the time you need,” I tell her, turning my palm up to catch her lingering fingers in my hand.
A breath escapes her when I stand, her body almost touching mine. Avery is tall and slim, making her fit perfectly with me when I close the distance and press a kiss to her forehead, relishing the heat of her body as she closes the gap between us.
“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”
“Time and space are two very different things, sweetheart.
Chapter Thirteen
AVERY
Two weeks until school starts and I’m really freaking nervous about what I’m doing. Am I staying, or am I going back?
Then I start wondering why I still haven’t heard anything in regard to the documents filled at court almost over a week ago. I know Carl is going to come back at me for filing for divorce and sole guardianship. Especially when he’s meant to be looking like a stand-up citizen. When he finds out he’s going to make my life hell. And I’m trying to keep myself on guard and ready for anything. But the waiting is killing me, making me paranoid and jumpy.
I’m so desperate and ready to be done with all this and move on that I keep going over the conversation I had with Uncle Mike about it last night. He said he would see what he could do to help seeing as he plays golf with a couple of judges Dad was also friends with. Although it would probably help if I wasn’t in a different city, or so he keeps telling me.
I keep walking around, aimlessly picking fruit to maybe distract myself. It doesn’t work, though—nothing does, because if I’m not stressing over Carl, I’m pining and confusing myself over Garrett.
“Mommy, can I go help Doc now?” Iris asks, handing me a couple of apples she’s picked from the lower branches. “Please? Please, please, please?”
Attempting to ignore her puppy dog eyes, I look ahead only to be greeted by Jo’s narrowed stare.
“Stop it,” I snap at her, turning away.
Whenever Garrett’s here, she can’t stop giving me all these crazy, pushy signals to talk to him. Over the last few days, I’ve managed to avoid him somewhat with his long hours and busy schedule. When we do see each other, it’s awkward. Mostly down to me because every time he’s near me, it’s hard to keep my distance. Especially with Iris following him around all the damn time.
“Pleeeeease? Please can I go help Garrett with the horses?”
“Fine.” I relinquish on my plan to put space between us even though he’s been here almost every day, making good on his promise to give me time but invade my space.
With a squeal Iris runs toward the stables, not giving me one single backward glance.
“How long are you going to avoid him?” Jo asks when I turn to help her pick some more apples.
The food bank in town is having a special treat day tomorrow, and Jo has volunteered to make fresh apple pies for them.
“I’m not avoiding anyone.”
“Oh, sorry, I assumed that you were pushing him away after your conversation at the beach. You know, him being divorced and the reasons behind it…”
“Fine, I’m avoiding him. I’m purposefully staying away from him so that I don’t do something stupid.”
Dropping the apples in the basket on the ground, she pats Wave’s head when she fetches another nearby. Meanwhile, I keep waiting for her to say something. She always has something t
o say. It’s one of the things that has made the last two weeks at the ranch easier to handle.
“I’m guessing that by stupid you mean giving Garrett a chance?”
“Jo…” I sigh in defeat, looking in the direction of the stables again. “A chance for what? I told you, as I told him, I need time. I need to figure my life out.”
“No, you need to be happy. Figure that out first.” With a shrug she goes back to picking some more fruit, leaving me to think about what she said.
I watch while Garrett and Iris go in and out of the stables, carting the old hay and poop in the wheelbarrow. Even though they’re too far for me to hear her laughter, I can see it as Iris tips her head back and her entire body vibrates with it.
He’s so good to her. The thought breaks my heart in a completely new way. Knowing his past and seeing the way he dotes on her…it doesn’t seem fair. Especially when Carl never showed any interest in her.
“It’s not rocket science, sugar,” Jo purrs from behind me. “It’s all about heart, and Garrett’s is big.”
“I know, and it’s what makes it harder.”
“Avery…” Standing beside me, she wraps her hand around my waist, leaning into me as much as she also holds me to her.
“Look at them, Jo, just look at them. As much as I’m terrified that he’ll obliterate me, it’s her that I don’t want to hurt. I’ve done that enough.”
“I understand that, sugar, but you are not the one that hurt her. You can’t blame yourself for something that quite simply isn’t true.”
“I should’ve listened to Dom, and she would’ve never seen…”
“Maybe, but a real man would never raise his hand to a woman, especially not one he’s promised to protect and cherish.”
“He should’ve told me he didn’t want me. Instead, he used me and lied…and then he hurt me. Why?” I choke the words out with every viselike squeeze of my heart. When she doesn’t answer, I turn to face her. “Garrett could’ve told her he was unhappy or that he couldn’t deal with it all…he could’ve walked away instead of cheating on his wife.”
“You’re a good girl, Avery. Smart. And you know as well as I do that we all make mistakes. Isn’t that human nature?”
Of course I know that—it’s part of the reason I can’t bring myself to completely push Garrett away.
“Human nature sucks.”
“Yeah, I agree with you on that,” she scoffs, putting all her weight on her stick with both hands. “You know, there is no one I trust more with my life than that man. After Duke died, Garrett could’ve forgotten about me. Instead, he kept coming over here even when I told him to go.”
“Sounds about right.”
“He sat on my porch step for days after the funeral, and then one day I woke up and there he was looking after what was left of my life. Shoveling horse shit and posting ridiculous checks through my door.” With trembling hands, she tries to tuck my flyaway hairs behind my ears, giving up when her fingers don’t cooperate. “Garrett’s nothing like the man that hurt you.”
“I know, and it’s why he has the ability to crush me.”
“Between you and me, I think he feels the same. You’re not the usual Dr. Dixon groupie.”
“Wait, is that an actual thing?”
“Oh yeah, he’s got a real fan club full of pretty bimbos with more tits than brains and absolutely nothing to make him pause and want more than…well, you know the story. All he’s gotta do is smile and they get all weak at the knees.”
In an instant his words replay in my head, making my stomach turn. I can have that effect, you know—make you weak in the knees.
If I wasn’t already wondering what he could possibly see in me, her statement makes my heart fall to my feet.
Why would he want me when he can have any woman he smiles at?
“He cheated on his wife because she was a two-bit, money-hungry hussy, and he might feel bad enough for what he did, in the circumstances that he did it, not to tell anyone the straight-up truth about Michelle, Annika, and all the women that sniff around him.” Turning, she starts for one of the trees on the farther side of the orchard before shaking her head and coming back to where I’m glued to the dirt. “You know, perfect doesn’t exist, Avery. And even if it did, we’d probably scratch at it so hard trying to find a flaw that we would taint it ourselves.”
My heart falters at her words, so much like my father’s that a deep pang of longing hits me hard in the chest, nearly knocking me off my feet and stealing my breath. I look up at the sky, and a fat drop of rain hits me straight between the eyes.
There are only a few bright white clouds, and the sun is beaming down so hard that it burns through my eyelids, and nothing else follows.
“Look at that, your own drop of luck,” Jo chuckles, still looking at me. “It’s a good omen, sugar.”
Don’t you just love the rain, baby girl? It’s good omen, a promise of beautiful things to come. I remember my father dragging me and my mother out into the yard when it poured and how they would laugh because they were so happy. I want to be that happy that Iris will feel it like I did. All I’ve ever wanted was to have a drop of the bliss they shared, even when she was told she was too sick to fight through it.
“Don’t waste it.” Jo smiles at me with tears swimming in her green eyes. Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, she turns and ventures back to picking the fruit.
I grab the basket from the ground, the weight making me wince with the slight ache the pull on my side radiates. The bruises have pretty much disappeared in the last few weeks; they seemed to get worse the first couple, and then they started to gradually fade.
Following her around to another tree, I keep glancing back, trying to catch glimpses of Garrett and Iris. And every time I do, she’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her, making my heart throb in my chest, completely at odds with my fears and the rationality behind them.
Mom always used to say that it’s not how people treat you, but by how they treat what’s yours that you see your true worth to them, and Garrett dotes on Iris like my father doted on me. As though he loves her with every cell of his being, and if he can love her, then maybe…
Stop it—it’s too soon to be thinking about another man, my head nags even as my heart melts at the sight of him picking her up when she trips over herself.
Sitting her on one of the large rain-harvesting barrels, he checks her knees, and I don’t know what he tells her, but she laughs so hard that he starts laughing, and I can’t help but smile at it all. A pinch of happiness flutters in my belly and tugs at my chest.
“Isn’t that a sight to fall for?” Jo nudges me gently as she drops another handful of apples into the basket, and we start for the house. “In case you’re still tripping over everything in your head, you should know that second chances come around when we’re the least ready. Believe me, I wasn’t ready for the day Duke found me. Good men, they tend to sneak up on you.”
“God, you are pushier than Charlie ever said you were.”
“It’s a gift,” she snickers, pausing to sniff the air as we reach the back of the house. The upturn of her mouth falls, and my heart instantly begins to race at the look on her face.
“What’s wrong? Jo, you okay?” I drop the basket and grasp her arms, making certain that she’s all right while Wave comes bounding down from the end of the orchard with Breeze and Ship on her tail.
“Can you smell that?”
“What?”
“Something’s burning.” She pushes me to the side and almost falls over when she can’t keep up with her own pace, and without another thought, I catch her just as Garrett looks our way, Iris at his side.
The three dogs run circles around us before heading toward the front yard. I only catch the scent when the breeze picks up, but Garrett’s already running toward it as he points Iris back to me and Jo.
“Mommy!” She runs straight into me, hugging me tight.
“Here, let’s get you both inside, and I can g
o help Doc figure out what’s going on.”
There’s a horrible feeling churning inside me that’s making me think something is severely wrong. And the fact that Garrett’s on his own is filling me with a dread I haven’t felt since the night Carl beat the crap out of me.
“Don’t be stupid—none of this is worth either of you getting hurt,” Jo tells me when I’ve sat her with Iris on the couch by the back door.
I’m opening the front door and telling them, “I’ll be right back,” when I catch sight of the Ferrari parked on the drive.
I knew he was going to strike at some point. I wasn’t expecting it to be today. Just as I’m getting my head together over everything with Garrett.
The minute I’m at the bottom of the porch steps, Carl gets out of the car and leans on its side like this is his land and he has every right to be here. Then I see the papers on the floor, half-burnt to cinders that flutter away in the bluster. The court insignia on one of the less charred parts makes me take a step back.
I could run inside and lock myself and Iris away, but that would just make him think that he’s won whatever game he’s playing by being here. I’m not going to let that happen, not today.
Barely halfway to where he’s standing, Garrett pulls me back.
“Get back in the house,” he grits out at me, fury deepening his voice as Wave circles around us. I remember what Charlie told me the first time I met them. They’re good judges of character, and apparently, like Garrett, she thinks I’m in danger.
“I got this,” he tells me a little softer, his hand squeezing my arm like he wants to haul me to him.
“No, Doc.” It’s all I can say as I pull away from him and carry on.
My heart is pounding, and there are so many voices in my head that I can’t make heads or tails of what I’m actually doing when I stop a few feet away from the man I ran from over a month ago. Wave stands in front of me, Breeze and Ship pacing to the side.
“You need to leave.”
A dark laugh rumbles from him, and all the storm that’s been silently brewing inside me roars so loud that the voices in my head silence for the first time since I found out my father was gone. For a second I feel lost and deserted in limbo, until Wave nudges me with her snout, pulling back as though she’s warning me to retreat.
Endurance: A Salvation Society Novel Page 11
