“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, and besides, I’m beginning to learn that being a good person doesn’t mean anything. You don’t get extra brownie points or holy tokens or whatever good juju you think you might get. It is what it is…”
Brushing my hair back, Garrett tucks me back into him so that he can hold my gaze. “Mark told me once that it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you learn from it…good or bad. The lessons we learn shape us. They make us better than the people we started off with the vision and intention of being.”
“Basically, everything happens for a reason.”
“Basically,” he snickers, touching the tip of his nose to mine. “You know Mark—he likes to be extra about shit, so…”
“He and Charlie are similar in that way.”
“Yeah, they are.”
“It must be nice having a sibling.” He bursts out laughing as though I’ve just said the funniest thing. “What’s so funny?”
“Mark and I haven’t always been…brotherly.”
“Oh…”
“We’re good now. It was an everything happens for a reason thing.” Still holding my gaze, Garrett presses a kiss to my nose. It’s incredible how secure he makes me feel. I’m safe with him, but even if he’s not with me, I don’t know…I could take on anything.
It’s something brand-new because I always felt like just Avery, hidden somewhere behind my parents or Carl. But not with him. With Garrett I’m at the forefront, and it’s an empowering place to be.
“Mark and I have always been different. I think when we got to our teens we grew apart, and then I got married…he wasn’t exactly my ex-wife’s biggest fan.”
“In a way he had your back, don’t you think?”
“I suppose you’re right, but he’s such a good guy that when my marriage blew up, we clashed. I was a miserable bastard, and he was Mark with the funny jibes.”
I can tell that’s not the whole story because he looks away, searching for something else to focus on. It’s one of the things I’ve learned about Garrett—he won’t look you in the eyes when he’s hiding from you.
“I can’t imagine Mark making jokes out of your situation. I can’t imagine what it was like for you. Iris was…I came off my pill, and a month later I was pregnant. If I’m honest, I didn’t even want to get pregnant. I kept hoping that I was…it feels awful thinking about it now, knowing how hard it was for you. Yeah, I can’t fathom Mar—”
“He doesn’t know,” he cuts me off brusquely.
It’s the first time he’s felt closed off from me, and a part of me wants to kick myself for talking about it. For trying to put my thoughts into perspective with my experience, when he is still hurting over the past.
“I’m sorry, I…we don’t have to talk about it.”
With a light scoff, he searches my face while his arms slacken around me. Had it been when I first got here or maybe a few months ago, I would’ve let him pull away and turned a blind eye, but I know better now. And I am better.
Threading my fingers with his, I grasp both of his hands and tug them until his arms are wrapped tightly around me again.
“We don’t have to talk about it, but you said you wanted to know all there is of me. That you want more of me. Well, the same goes for me. I want to know every part of you, if you’ll let me.”
He nods, squeezing my hands as he tells me, “She had a baby a few years after we divorced. A little boy.”
“Oh…that must be difficult.”
“Call it karma for the way I treated her.”
“Or maybe it’s an everything happens for a reason thing. You could’ve had a child together and been in a similar situation to mine where I’m stuck with Carl no matter what. Or you could still be unhappily married with a child that you would have to protect from your feelings. That doesn’t sound fair to the child or you.” And I know what I’m talking about because it’s what I’ve done for years.
I’ve forced myself to believe that I wanted too much from Carl and our marriage, when in fact, I only wanted to be happy and loved and to share that with Iris.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be here with you, and that—” Something akin to a soft grin finally softens his anguish. “That would be a tragedy.”
“It would.”
We sit for a while, watching Iris run around with Breeze. The two are inseparable, and there is a bit of competition between Breeze and Cap over her attention. It’s a good thing her bed is low enough that Cap can still get onto it and wide enough that both he and Breeze can sleep with her every night.
“Do you want more kids?” Garrett asks when I shuffle to sit beside him so that we can set out the food he brought. I’m still not sure what exactly it is because he didn’t let me open the basket, but he looks far too happy with himself for it to be something expected.
I think about his question for a beat. “I haven’t thought about it, and Carl and I never spoke about having more. I think after Iris was born, he realized that the notion of having a child is very different to the reality. He didn’t want her when she kept us up all night or puked up on his expensive suits. It didn’t take long for the baby he practically forced on me to become an inconvenience to him. Ironically, she became my solace. A saving grace throughout the years.”
“She’s an awesome kid. I get why she and Makenna get along so well.”
“It’s the first time she’s had a friend outside of swim club and school.”
Surprise and disbelief scrunch up his face. “Really?”
“Carl didn’t like inviting people into our house, and going to other’s houses wasn’t okay either. We used to meet another little girl at the local playground, but when I turned down every playdate at her house or shied away from inviting her to ours…it eventually fizzled out.”
“Sounds like you were isolated.”
“It’s one of my biggest mistakes and regrets, especially seeing how happy Iris is in her friendship with Makenna.”
Handing me the basket, he grasps my hand, stealing my full attention. “You haven’t answered my question.”
I know, and answering is making me nervous. It’s obvious that my reply will be something monumental to us. “Thinking about it now, it’s not a make-or-break issue for me. Iris is more than enough for me. If it’s only ever her, I’ll still be as happy as I am now.”
“You might change your mind,” he tells me.
Dropping my hand and taking his back, I say, “You might change yours. You asked me to trust you to make the right decision and do the right thing if that ever happened. Well, it’s the same for me.”
“Avery.” He tries to take his hand back, but I hold it tighter, silencing whatever it is he’s about to tell me because it’ll be him trying to push what he thinks I should feel on me. And I’ve had enough of people doing that to last me a lifetime.
“At the risk of sounding callous, just because you couldn’t have a baby with one person, doesn’t mean you can’t with another. Look at Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman—they adopted together and then both went on to have children with different people.”
“I’ve been selfish enough in my lifetime, but I don’t want to be that person with you. You deserve better.”
“Let me define what that is.” Going up onto my knees, I stroke over his jaw. “I need you to trust that I know what’s better for me.”
“And Iris?”
“There is no me without her, and my definition of better is being happy, and look at her, Doc.”
“I don’t want to let either of you down.”
“What if you’re our second chance at everything we’ve ever wanted? You’re meant to be a genius doctor, Garrett, and I’m not rocket science.”
Sitting back onto my heels, I take a deep breath to steady myself. This is the biggest risk I’ve ever taken. Opening myself up to another person right now is the greatest gamble of my life, especially with someone who has the ability to decimate me. Still, every molecule of my bei
ng is urging me to do it.
“With you, even with the storm I know is coming, I feel good and, believe it or not, in control. My life hasn’t been in my control in years. I’ve lived trying to please someone who didn’t want me and trying to be a version of me that would make everyone else, except me, happy.”
I start to take the cardboard boxes out of the basket, smiling at the one from the little bakery in town that serves the best red velvet cupcakes I’ve ever had.
“In case you ever think you need to be something you’re not for me…” Garrett takes out a bottle of sparkling grape juice, the rosé kind Iris and I love to drink when we’re celebrating something. “I like who you are. Everything about you, sunshine. You’re always, always going to be more than enough and so much more than I deserve.”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re the biggest cheeseball?”
“I’m pretty certain it’s the weird cheese-and-cucumber sandwiches you’re smelling.”
“I love those.”
“I know. Iris kindly made me a list of all your favorite things. Have to say, there weren’t any fluffy kittens or raindrops on mittens or…” Scrunching his nose in thought, he pulls a face. “You get the picture.”
“It’s raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but yes, I get the picture, and I think you’ve showcased your cheese enough.”
“No, no, no, sweetheart, you have no idea how strong the cheese can get. Just you wait until our real date. I’m going to get all camembert and stilton on you.”
“Our real date?”
“Listen, Iris and I had a conversation, and if I don’t romance you and make you smile and treat you better than a princess, I’m going to have to answer to her. So, yeah, I’m taking you on a date. You, me, and some more cheese thrown in. The edible kind that Iris says you love.”
“You’re so good with her.”
“Like I said, she’s a good kid, but I want her mom all to myself and at my mercy for one night.” With a wicked hitch of a brow, he licks across his lips before he adds, “Or maybe I’ll be at her mommy’s mercy. I heard she likes control.”
Oh. My. God. The sound of his voice, deep and growly, sends frissons of heat through me, making my toes curl in my shoes and my throat swell with the need to taste his lips. To feel his tongue lick into my mouth and his hands squeeze around my waist.
If Iris wasn’t right there, I would kiss him. I would devour every little ounce of his taste until it was ingrained in me.
Chapter Eighteen
GARRETT
The monotone beep of the monitor is a motherfucking omen for the rest of the day. All I can fucking think about is the patient I lost and the way his wife looked at me when I informed her of it.
“You need to stop beating yourself up about it, dude. He knew the risk, and he chose to have the procedure anyway,” Luke says from my doorway. “Triple bypass is no joke, and the fact that he was diabetic…come on, you knew this wasn’t going to be your usual fairy-tale surgery.”
“Don’t we have this conversation every time?”
“You do it for me, and I do it for you. It’s what we do.” He comes inside and lies on the leather chesterfield in the seating area in front of my desk. “Fuck, I don’t think I’m going to be able to get up again. Beth isn’t sleeping, and the soundtrack of her swearing is keeping me up too.”
“Isn’t that practice for what’s to come?”
“Fuck, mate, I can’t even fucking think to filter. I had to tell one of my patients that he’s got stage four heart failure, and I fucking blurted it out like a cunt. My wife has finally offed my tact.” He gestures slitting his throat as he emphasizes, “Dead. Gone.”
“Like my patient.”
“Fucking hell, Dixon, don’t you have your date tonight?”
“Yeah.” It’s been the one thing keeping me going today.
Iris is having a sleepover at Charlie’s to celebrate her first week at her new school. I’ve planned every part of this date meticulously. I can’t wait to leave the clinic and get lost in my own precious sunshine.
“Right, so shouldn’t you be trimming your sac or something?” Luke yawns up at the ceiling.
“What the what? Is that a British thing? Trimming your sac—that sounds wrong on so many levels.”
“See? I’m even sounding like her. I have Beth brain, and it’s a fucking disaster. She’s forgetting toast in the toaster, practically set the house on fire after she left her cheese on toast under the grill, and to make matters worse, she broke the kettle. I can’t even make myself a decent cup of tea to chi myself.”
“I think you meant Zen.”
“Case in point. I’m worried one of these days I’m going to walk in here and you’re going to mistake me for one of your bimbos.”
“Fuck you, dude, and fuck off.” Standing from my desk chair, I grab my jacket and shrug it on before I head out of my office. “Don’t sleep in my office. I don’t want the stench of miserable ass in the leather.”
“You’re a dick.”
“You wish you had my dick.”
“Mate, it’s probably fucking riddled.,” He follows me to the small parking lot behind the clinic where we’re parked side by side. “Go on your date and get your end away so you’re back to cocky arsehole next week.”
“It’s not like that.”
“You better be talking about the girl and not the mood.” He gets in his sleek Tesla with the bright red car seat in the back. When he notices me staring at it, he sighs. “Don’t. She’s gone bloody nuts—I have one in mine, she has one in her car, and there’s a spare at home. The longer this pregnancy drags out, the crazier she gets.”
Hearing him talk like that makes me think of the conversation Avery and I had at our picnic. She’s a wonderful mom, and maybe it isn’t a part of her future plans, but she’s still young. There’s time for her to change her mind, and it bothers me to think that it’s the one thing I might not be able to give her.
“You’re in over your head,” Luke chuckles. “I haven’t met her, but seeing you like this…I know I’m going to like her.”
“I wish I’d seen her coming so I could’ve prepared myself.”
“Look, Beth was a one-night stand, and now look at us. She followed me halfway across the world and married me in a dingy chapel in the middle of buttfuck South Carolina, and now she’s making me a dad. At no point did I see any of this coming, not even her.”
“Avery’s every single thing I never thought I wanted and that I had given up on. I thought I was done, but from the moment I met her, she’s all I can think about. And before you make some stupid lewd joke, it’s not sex.”
“It has to start somewhere.” Luke gets in his car and heads off, leaving me to ponder his words.
It has to start somewhere.
It’s been about the sex and nothing more for so long that I am in over my head with Avery. She makes me question everything I’ve ever told myself about what I wanted out of life. Success isn’t enough anymore. Fleeting and forgettable moments that bear no fulfillment or joy don’t hold any appeal.
The ranch looks different as I cruise down the bald cypress–lined drive. The two-day heat wave is beginning to wane, but even with the AC blowing cool, I can’t shake the heat coursing through me.
When I stop the car close to the house, Jo stands from where she’s sitting on the porch. She’s got that look in her eyes that tells me she means business. Breeze and Wave greet me as I jump out of my Jag, looking back to see that everything is as it should be.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jo grunts, following my gaze when she stops in front of me. “How old do you think she is?”
“Mind your own damn business.” I stick my tongue out at her as she pinches my chin.
“Listen here. You better not hurt my girl.”
“Your girl?”
“I’m serious, Garrett.” The use of my first name is sobering. “Promise me you’re not going to hurt her.”
I know better
than to make promises that I can’t keep. I’ve been there, done that, and got the sordid history to remind me. Avery is different, though. I feel it in my bones. As though I’ve found that fundamental missing link in my DNA. For the first time ever, there is something that scares the shit out of me—and it’s losing her.
“I promise.”
“She’s been through enough.” Relinquishing her grip on my chin, she holds on to my arm, making her tremors more noticeable.
They’re worsening at a faster pace that makes me worry. I know her doctor said that there’s nothing else they can try outside of clinical studies, but watching her deteriorate is fucking painful especially when she still has so much fire in her.
If anything happens to her, Avery and Iris will be devastated. That only makes my observation harder to stomach. I’ve never wanted to protect someone so much as I need to when it comes to them. They mean more than anything I’ve ever had.
“I mean it. You brought her into my home, and I won’t let you mess her around. You understand?”
“I like her, Josie. I’ve never—”
Marking me with a glare, she comes closer until we’re toe to toe. “Like isn’t enough.” The sternness in her voice is cutting. “Like isn’t enough for her or for Iris. Like is fleeting, and they need steady and strong. They need someone that’s going to fight for them to the very end. You understand?”
“Yeah, I do, but I’m not going to tell you what she needs to hear first, so…”
I can’t do that to Avery. She deserves to be the first person to know exactly how I feel about her. How she makes me feel. She staggered into my life, and it feels fuller with her and Iris than it has ever felt with money and success.
“She’s easy to love. A lot easier than I ever was, and Duke loved me more than I ever thought possible.” Tears line her eyes with yearning, and before I can comfort her, she turns away, telling me, “Don’t fuck this up or I swear to God, boy, I’ll make sure you regret it.”
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