“Oh, never mind. . .it’s nothing.”
***
Something had changed. And he wasn’t sure what. He saw her fixation with his necklace and couldn’t understand it. She was quiet and contemplative and it unnerved him.
As they walked to the parking lot after the last bell, he asked, “Want to go on a walk tomorrow after school?”
“Yes, definitely. Let me check with Aunt Tera and see if she can pick up Eva. I’m pretty sure she’ll be willing to help out.”
In the shadow of her van, she pulled him in for a hug goodbye. She seemed desperate to hold on and not let go. Her unique heartbeat fluttered against his chest until she drew away, and said, “I need to get Eva. She’s waiting.”
She stared into his eyes as though she were searching for an answer to some unknown question. “I’ll call you later,” she said and stepped back to reach for her door.
Chance was left perplexed after she pulled out of the school lot. He was anxious. His muscles were pulled tight, like rubber bands ready to snap.
A sudden breeze blew past. He wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been blown away, feeling so ungrounded.
The time was coming. Either they would part ways, or the truth would come out, somehow. A chill tore through his body, and he slunk off to his truck, eager to leave his worries in the parking lot.
***
The next day Chance noticed a more haggard appearance in Ana. He was confident she wasn’t quite this affected when he first met her. Her skin, lips and fingers had a continuous pale, mauve tinge. It may not have been so out of place in the cold of winter, but it was now spring.
Did she seem so sick when he first saw her? He didn’t think so. But when they first locked eyes, she glowed, radiant. She was the most beautiful person he could imagine. He hadn’t dwelled on the obvious signs, which were so blatant now—her lack of energy, her coloration alarming his instincts whenever she was near. But still, no explanation. He didn’t want to press her unless she wanted to tell him, although he wasn’t sure he could go much longer without asking.
It didn’t matter. Whatever the problem was, he would accept it and take her as she was. If he couldn’t accept her, then he was a hypocrite.
Chance focused on the road, attempting to shed his torment. He could see for himself she couldn’t make it far, so he thought of a place with a short easy walk.
Ana’s hair moved in the breeze from the cracked window. Chance studied the individual fibers as they flitted around her beautiful face. Her green eyes stared back at him through a tangle of hair.
***
Ana studied Chance’s handsome face. His jaw was clenched and he seemed as engulfed in thought just as she was. She knew her secret would be out soon. Its weight was so immense it pressed on her so she could barely breathe.
“So, where are you taking me today?” she asked.
He smiled at her and reached out for her cool hand. “Don’t worry. There won’t be much of a walk and it has a great view. We’re almost there.”
Chance pulled onto a dirt road and parked at a turnout with a trail marker. Ana let her head drop back against the seat while she waited for him to open her door. She breathed out as she slid off the seat and allowed Chance to lead her toward the path.
Tall lanky firs surrounded them and a dirt trail wound delicately through their long bracken covered trunks. Ana sensed the cool earth below her feet and heard the serenade from the birds high above in the canopy. They meandered down a slope toward a granite ledge which formed a rocky bench. It offered a perfect view of the grassy valley below them. She could spot the winding dark river in the distance. Ana sat down on the stone and allowed her body to relax.
Chance pulled out a set of binoculars from his bag and held them out to her.
“Thanks.”
He said helpfully, “Look to the west and you’ll see the edge of the lake.”
Ana held the binoculars in her hands and stared at him with a blank expression.
He smiled and pointed in the proper direction.
After she gazed at the lake, Chance took the binoculars back and identified animals for her. She marveled at his proficiency. He pointed the binoculars in a direction and handed them immediately to her after spotting something. Without hesitation, he knew where the herd of elk grazed and where the falcon circled the mountain range to the south.
An hour passed and Chance said in her ear, “I don’t have to work on Friday. We can come here again after school, or I know more places that would be easy for you.”
There it was.
Ana took in a deep breath and answered, “I won’t be around for most of the day on Friday. I won’t be at school either—I have to be somewhere. But when I get back I need to talk to you. I’m not sure what time it’ll be, probably afternoon sometime.” Ana fidgeted with her shirt and continued. “I’ve been avoiding telling you something—but it’s time. I need to get it off my chest.”
Chance looked at her with apprehension.
“Now?” Chance encouraged.
“No—Friday. I’ll know more after I get back.” Ana’s eyes burned and she blinked furiously in an effort to hold back the tears. Her lungs threatened to deflate as she thought about saying goodbye to him. She must be heartless to lead him along only to drop this terrible bomb. How could he forgive her? Or want to go through an uncertain future with her?
“It’s time for the truth.”
***
On Thursday, as soon as Chance saw Ana, he grew concerned. Light chit-chat was not in her personality description, yet she filled their time with empty conversations.
When lunch period came, he sat loyally by her side while she talked with Laura’s friends. She appeared determined to avoid any serious subject with anyone. The dread that had started as a tiny seed grew into tree and found root. He worried how bad the news really was. Not knowing tore him up inside. But to protect her, he remained placid to help her through the day.
Soon. He could wait. For her.
They walked to photography class together in silence. He held her against his side as they moved to the door. The instinct to protect Ana absorbed his thoughts and sharpened his senses.
***
While they sat beside each other in English class, Ana was unable to focus on the book opened before her.
She allowed herself to fall victim to worst case scenarios. I just know I’ll need another surgery.
Even with the weight of her health hanging over her, she was thankful for three blissful weeks with Chance. It felt as if she’d been loaned a priceless Tiffany diamond that had to be returned. The time would come. The end was near. But she was thankful for the gift.
That’s what her memories with Chance were. Priceless.
After school, Ana and Chance held each other in the parking lot. This was it. Goodbye.
Finally, she pulled away. She was about to lift onto her tiptoes, but Chance leaned down to meet her lips in a passionate kiss. It wasn’t like their last kiss, which had been tender and unsure. This was the type of kiss reserved for a final farewell.
A slow tear ran down Ana’s cheek.
She withdrew and said, “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get back in town.”
“I’ll be waiting,” he whispered in her ear.
That night Ana picked at her dinner while her mother and sister watched with unease. Neither felt hungry but ate for the action of it and for the appearance of normalcy.
“Baby? Are you nervous?” Melissa asked while they did the dishes together.
“No, I don’t think I’m nervous. It’s just that I think I know what the doctor will say. I’m sad.”
Ana handed the dish to her mother who set it back into the sink and gave her daughter a hug.
“We can do this. We’ve done it before. Ana—I love you so much.”
The words were spoken with such strength and determination, Ana allowed them to soak in to add to her own dwindling supply.
“Thanks, Mom. I know you’re right—we can do this.”
After the dishes were done, Ana went outside to her rock. In desperate need of tranquility and inner strength, she drank in the blackened starlit expanse.
The sky was clear, a perfect stage for the stars. They seemed eager to perform for her and to cheer her spirits. Ana counted three shooting stars. Their tails spanned the sky like silver moonlit rainbows. She made a wish on each one.
The yellow eyes that often shared her observatory were there again and kept her company. The owl’s presence calmed Ana. Although she wasn’t up for a conversation with her mother about the fears that writhed inside her, she also didn’t want to be alone. Thankful to have her nighttime companion nearby, she smiled and a tear fell on the granite below.
The owl’s eyes never left her face. It continued to serenade her until her head lay upon her cool pillow and she fell into a deep slumber.
Chapter 17
Ana woke to a silent house. A bright red card caught her attention. She opened it and an explosion of hearts with the words, I love you Ana – Love Eva, were written inside. She set it down and walked out to the landing and called. “Mom?”
She realized Melissa must have taken her sister to school, so Ana decided to take a long shower to relax. The hot water did the trick and left her body warm and soothed. Her room welcomed her back like an old friend and she sat on the bed to brush out her wet hair.
The bleak view out her window made her choose a soft sweatshirt and jeans. Green firs hid in the sunless gloom outside. The birds must have all gone in search of an elusive sunny spot, or tucked themselves deeper into their nests. The stillness pierced her.
At the kitchen table, she waited for her empty stomach to get hungry enough to eat the bowl of cereal she had poured. Just then, her mother returned from dropping Eva at school.
“You almost ready?” she asked while Ana poked at the flakes floating in her milk.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Ana stood up, dumped the contents of the bowl into the sink and walked upstairs to grab the book, To Kill A Mockingbird. Better to read than leave her mind free to think.
***
Melissa and Ana trudged into the white sterile building over two hours later and inspected the facility’s directory. They took the elevator up to the third floor, stood in silence, and stared numbly ahead. Ana was empty except for the hollow echo in her chest.
She went through a series of routine tests before waiting for the doctor. The room was like all the others she had visited in the past; stark white and so well sterilized it gleamed. Ana perched on the padded blue exam table, secured her hands under her legs, and studied the boring pattern on the wallpaper border that ran along the edge of the ceiling.
A woman with a cart came in to take an EKG of her heart. Ana smelled coffee on her breath. The sour smell turned her stomach. Electrodes were clamped to familiar jelly stickers dispersed across her chest. She held her breath and waited for the technician to finish. After she was done, the cart was wheeled back out and her mother came into the room to wait with her. Melissa gave a smile of encouragement as she sat on a beige seat across the room from her daughter.
After a while, another technician came in and led her to a dark room lit only by a television in the corner. A long cushioned table lay next to an ultrasound machine. For what seemed like an eternity, Ana lay still while the tech took images of her chest for the doctor to review. Pure silence filled her ears, and then clicks from the dials on the machine and her swishing heartbeat. The black and gray movements on the monitor made her recall the same images throughout the years when her mom held her hand, encouraging her to be patient. She didn’t require a cartoon to lie stationary any longer, or her mother’s presence. Instead, she counted the swishy beats in boredom.
Finally, the technician handed Ana a towel to clean the ultrasound jelly off her chest and said, “We’re all done here. You can go back to your room after you clean yourself up.”
Melissa was in the waiting room when she returned. The florescent lights made the bags under her eyes more obvious, which posed the question—had her mother been getting any sleep? Ana flashed her eyes past the window and realized it had begun to rain since she left the waiting room.
“It’s raining,” Ana stated.
“It started after you left. Gotta love Washington.” Melissa gave a weak smile. Perched woodenly in her chair, the wear began to show from the long wait in anticipation of the doctor’s arrival.
After Ana stared out the window at the dreary scenery for another twenty minutes, there was a soft knock on the door and the doctor entered. She had black curly hair and a slight build. She wore a maroon blouse with a long flowing black skirt. A stethoscope hung around her neck. She smiled warmly at them as she stretched out her hand first to Melissa, then to Ana.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Tilgan. I hear you just moved from Colorado. Dr. Schelling was your doctor there?”
Ana gave a nod of confirmation, not ready to speak yet. Unsure she even had a voice.
“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you Ana—and this must be your mom?” Dr. Tilgan looked at Melissa with a questioning expression.
“Yes. I’m Melissa Hughes,” Melissa answered quickly, clearly ready to move the conversation past introductions.
“Well, I’ve spoken to Dr. Schelling and we reviewed your history. I’ve also taken a look at the tests we ran on you today. I understand you were told that your Cardiomyopathy was getting worse, right?” She waited for a response and Ana was only able to whisper in affirmation.
Dr. Tilgan continued, “Your heart muscle is thickening at an increased rate and has been for the last year. It’s enlarging and hardening your heart, making your medication less effective. Your move to a lower elevation may have initially given you a boost, but it appears your condition hasn’t stabilized and is continuing to degrade.” She softened her gaze and said, “I know Dr. Schelling spoke to you about transplants as well. . .” The doctor slowed in her progression and adapted her face to match the mood, cautious and serious. “If you deteriorate to a certain point we should consider placing you on the transplant list. We may not be there yet, but I want you to be prepared for that possibility.”
Melissa cleared her throat and adjusted in her seat.
Dr. Tilgan smiled and soft lines creased around her eyes. “Because you were born with heart defects, they were tracking your heart function anyway. I understand this is how they discovered the Cardiomyopathy? You’re lucky—many people don’t know they have it until it’s too late. Any vigorous activity can cause the heart to stop. You’re fortunate to be aware of it. You avoid strenuous activity, of course?”
Ana nodded in response.
“Well, I see Dr. Schelling has tried a variety of different medications,” she said as she flipped through the thick folder of papers. “You know, I’d like to try bumping up your dosages and see if it makes any difference.”
She scribbled on her prescription notepad and handed Ana a couple sheets. “I can see you’ve had your share of heart cath’s and don’t hate me, but I’d like to personally take a closer look at your heart before we discuss any other treatments. I want to rule out any other disorders, just to be sure.” She faced Melissa and gave a gentle grin. “So, if it works for you, I’d like to schedule you for a heart catheterization soon because of your deteriorating condition. I don’t want us to get to the point of transplant. I’d prefer exhausting all avenues before getting to that point. At least you aren’t currently on the brink of failure and your liver and lungs haven’t begun to show too much wear and tear, which is good. Do either of you have any questions for me?”
Ana and Melissa stared at each other. Melissa was the one who spoke up. “At what point would you recommend a transplant?” She stumbled over the word transplant, as it got stuck in her mouth.
“Well, if Ana begins to have trouble with lung congestion and liver enlargement, or if
the heart begins destabilizing and we are worried about failurefacebook.com/lookatlovethroughmyeyes …—but we don’t want it to get to that point. We need to be aggressive, that’s why I want to take a look inside soon. Do you have any questions about the cath?”
Ana shook her head. She had been through countless heart catheterizations. The process was usually just a day procedure. They would go in through the artery in her neck or thigh to feed the tiny camera into her heart and observe the heart’s function. She would only need to stay for a couple of hours afterwards to make sure the entry points wouldn’t re-open and cause bleeding.
Dr. Tilgan shook hands with Melissa and faced Ana. “Well, it was nice meeting the two of you. And Ana, keep up on your medicine and avoid any activity that raises your blood pressure. Otherwise, we’ll see you back here in the next couple of weeks. I’ll let the scheduler know up front.”
There it was. What Ana had been waiting for. She watched the doctor leave before saying, “This sucks.”
Numbness spread through her body. Time suspended in the room as she gazed at the cars driving through the stormy weather and at the people running out of the rain to the dry safety of their cars or offices.
“I know, baby.” Her mom reached out and held her hand. Melissa took a deep breath and continued, “You can do this. You’re the strongest person I know. I knew it the moment the doctor handed you to me, all swaddled in your baby blanket. I saw your tenacity and courage. You’ve had to go through surgeries and you even started taking medicine before you could eat solid food.
“I’ll be there for you and so will Eva. I’ll do whatever I need to for you. Let’s just wait and see what the cath results are. Let’s not jump to conclusions yet.”
“Right. Thanks, Mom.”
Ana pushed the frantic emotions away and welcomed the calm that her mother had inspired. She knew she could do this. The thought of tubes sticking out of her chest again and the staples down her sternum like she was a Frankenstein freak made her cringe. She had been on the bypass machine before. She could do it again. If she had to.
What other choice was there? Her fighting spirit rose. Maybe she wouldn’t need a transplant after all. Maybe this doctor will be different. Maybe she’ll fix me, she thought halfheartedly.
Fledgling Page 10
