by Sonia Hartl
“He didn’t need to tell me.” She patted my hand, loosening my death grip. “It’s written all over his face every time he looks at you.”
I must’ve become immune to it. He said he’d loved me since we were seven, but how was I supposed to know what love looked like? I thought that was just his regular face. “How does he look at me?”
“Like you look at cheese.”
“Oh my God.”
“I know. It’s pretty intense.” She cut into her chicken breast. “Paul is a great guy. A little lost, occasionally bordering on offensive with his blasphemy, and he can be full of himself sometimes, but overall great. And he’d do anything for you.”
“Did everyone know this except me?”
“Oh yeah. We had bets on how long it’d be before you two hooked up.”
“Aren’t you all against gambling?”
“It’s a figure of speech.” Astrid rolled her eyes. “We didn’t bet actual money.”
“He’s so pissed at me though. The whole thing got blown out of proportion. I never should’ve asked him to have sex with me.”
Astrid’s fork clattered to the floor. “That was fast.”
“It was really bad, like I’m not sure if I can take it back.” I chewed on my lip. “I was jealous of Sarina, because I had all this experience, but I never had an orgasm. And she gets one on her first try. I felt like I’d been left behind, or there was something wrong with me.”
“That’s fair. You got robbed in that department.”
“I knew Paul had all kinds of experience, and the way girls had talked about him in the locker room … Let’s just say, he knows what to do.”
“Is that all you want from him?”
“No, but he wouldn’t even let me explain.” I buried my face in my hands.
“So you propositioned him under the guise of only being interested in sex, and it threw you for a loop when he didn’t want to be used for that. From an outside perspective, I can see why he’d be upset. But it’s really not that complicated.”
“But what if I can’t fix things?”
“I don’t think that will be a problem. I’m pretty good at observation.” Which was probably why she was such a good note taker.
The thing about Paul was he held me when I cried, told me stories where I triumphed, made me laugh until my sides hurt, and he never let anyone get away with hurting me, not even myself. All those were fine qualities in a best friend. Then there was the way he made my toes tingle, my skin shiver whenever he touched me, and my dreams stimulating. When it came to sex, I couldn’t picture anyone but him.
“He wants to leave,” I said. “He’s already talked to Pastor Dean.”
Astrid picked up her tray. “Then you’d better hurry.”
“Wait.” I grabbed her wrist before she could walk away. “He still thinks I only wanted to use him for sex. What am I supposed to do?”
“Tell him you love him. I promise, it’ll work out okay.” She squeezed my shoulder and went to help with the lunch cleanup.
I left the dining hall and ran around the lake to the boys’ cabins. Technically, girls weren’t allowed on the boys’ side of the lake. But technically, I also didn’t give a shit about camp rules. At least not when they got in the way of me talking to Paul.
When I knocked on the door to Paul’s cabin, Jerome answered the door, shirtless, and immediately grabbed a sheet off his bed to cover himself. Like he didn’t go shirtless on lifeguard duty every day. “Um. What are you doing here?”
“Is Paul here?” I asked. “I need to talk to him.”
“Gone.” He stifled a yawn.
I pushed him out of the way to see for myself, and he stumbled around on his tiny legs before falling back on his bed. “What do you mean he’s gone? Where did he go?”
Peter came out of the bathroom. “CeCe? Are you allowed to be here?”
“What do you think?” My near hysterical bursting into their cabin wasn’t doing me any favors in the getting-quick-answers department. “Where’s Paul?”
“He packed up his stuff,” Ethan said. “He’s going to Pastor Dean’s office now to call his mom to come get him. Wouldn’t say why, though.”
“Right now?” This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t go yet. I was supposed to tell him how I felt and we were going to make up and everything was going to be okay.
“Uh, yeah.” Ethan gave me a funny look. “I’m surprised he stayed this long. Considering neither one of you is a real Christian, I thought you’d both go together.”
“No offense,” said Jerome, “but you really shouldn’t be in our cabin.”
“I’m leaving.” I had to catch Paul before he called his mom.
As I hustled out of the boys’ cabin, I began formulating what I’d say. He had to hear me out before he left. If he really loved me, he’d give me the chance to explain. I didn’t even hear Ethan until he caught up to me halfway around the lake.
“Do you want me to walk with you?” he asked.
“I’m not in the mood,” I said. “Go back to your cabin.”
He jogged beside me to keep up with my strides. “I was thinking about our conversation the other day. Actually, it’s been haunting me, and I feel like I owe you a real apology.”
“I’m not doing this again.” The lake was so close. I could shove him and keep going. “What do you want? My forgiveness? Fine. I forgive you. Now go away.”
“Thank you.” Relief broke out on his face. “I really needed to hear that.”
“I don’t want your thanks. I said I’ve forgiven you, but I’ll never forget. And you know what’s sad about that? I’m pretty sure that makes me more of a real Christian than you.” I left him standing by the water, though it had been so tempting to give him a little push.
As I made my way past the edge of the woods, Sarina waved me over and pointed up the path. “Astrid told me you were looking for Paul. I tried to stall him for you.”
“Thanks.” I ran in the direction she’d pointed. No way was Paul going to walk away from me for a third time today. Not without a fight. He was so close.
I cut through a cluster of trees near Pastor Dean’s office. Mandy stood in front of the door doing some kind of weird shuffle-dance with Paul. He’d try to go around her, and she’d block him. He dodged the other way, and she threw her arm out to stop him. With her athletic skills, he didn’t stand a chance. As soon as she caught my eye, she spun him around and sprinted away, buying me a few seconds to reach him in the confusion.
As soon as he saw me, he put his hand on the door.
“Paul, wait,” I said.
He turned the knob.
“I swear on the guy who used to date your mom, if you meant one word of what you said earlier, you’ll get your ass back here and talk to me.”
He turned around and raised his eyebrows.
“You didn’t even listen to my side of the story.” I marched up to him and shoved him in the chest. “You just dropped that bomb and walked away, because that’s what you do, right? And now you’re just going to leave camp without talking to me first? Fuck that.”
His shoulders sagged. “I really don’t want to lose our friendship, but if you keep pushing this I’m-an-asshole-who-walks-away narrative, you just might.”
“Then quit being an asshole who walks away.” I took a deep breath. Picking another fight with him wouldn’t accomplish anything. Time to go for all or nothing. “I hate that we’re fighting, and I hate that you keep putting words in my mouth. And I really hate how you’re assuming I don’t love you. Because I do, more than you can possibly know.”
“But …?” His voice cracked.
“But you might not love me anymore once you hear the truth, and I’m okay with that. I owe you some honesty, because Lord knows I haven’t been very honest lately.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“Please.” I grabbed his hand and led him toward a small wooded area with a dozen fallen logs. “Please sit. I need to say
this.”
He sighed, and his face screwed up with resignation. I’d almost let him go. Let him walk away from me. As much as it hurt to lay all my feelings out there and deal with whatever he had to say, I couldn’t let him do that. He needed to hear the whole truth. He shifted his stance, but he eventually sat next to me.
“I’m not going to tell you a story, because this is real. I’m CeCe and you’re Paul and we’re us. No more pretend.”
“Okay.” His expression was guarded, but he stayed.
“I used to think love meant nice boys wrapped in ugly shirts. At first Ethan made me feel good about myself, because I wanted to be wanted, but even after he made me feel terrible, I still thought I loved him. Because I had a really messed-up notion of what love was supposed to be like.”
“So you decided to use me because you were feeling shitty about Ethan.” Paul shook his head. “No need to rehash all this. I was there, remember?”
I pursed my lips. “Are you ever going to let me finish talking? Because I’m pretty sure I didn’t ask for commentary.”
“Sorry. Go on.”
Here were all the ugly parts of me laid bare. Paul had seen me at my worst, treated me with respect at my worst, but even he didn’t know the parts I’d kept from everyone, including myself. I had no idea what he’d think afterward.
“When Ethan left me, I thought the solution was to pretend to be someone else, someone he really wanted. I didn’t know he lied about why we broke up—that he didn’t cherish me the way I deserved— so I came up with a crackpot and impulsive idea to get him back. Because I’m known for such things.”
Paul smiled, but it was half-hearted at best.
“And my best friend, the boy I loved most in the world, volunteered to come with me. Because he’d always been there for me. And me, being impulsive and selfish, boxed you in to pretending to be my boyfriend. Because I didn’t want to look like a stalker to Ethan, whose opinion I never should’ve cared about in the first place.”
“This is making you look really bad,” Paul said.
“Oh, don’t worry. It gets worse. Anyway, I really liked pretending to be your girlfriend. I liked it so much that even when it no longer became necessary to pretend, I couldn’t bring myself to fake our breakup. Then I shared my terrible sex experience with my cabin, and the girls started to have experiences of their own. Experiences that weren’t terrible. And it made me incredibly jealous, because let’s remember that I am a selfish girl.”
I paused to take a breath. Here was where it would all come out, and if he walked away now, all those shattered pieces of my heart wouldn’t have the chance to transform. This wasn’t a need to be wanted or a fake feeling from a fake relationship. This wasn’t a story. I meant every word, and I put it all on the line.
“I wanted to feel good too,” I said. “I’d been having strange, arousing dreams, and I propositioned you because I thought if anyone could make me orgasm, it was you and the reputation you worked really hard for. I thought if we just had sex, we could salvage our friendship when it ended.”
“What makes you think it would end?” He spoke so softly, I had to lean closer.
“Because you’re not known for long-term relationships, and I have a history of hating all my exes, which would be a sad thing for both of us. But that was before I understood how you felt. Which doesn’t really matter, because I went ahead and fell in love with you anyway. I guess I have a terrible sense of self-preservation.”
There it was. The whole truth. His emotional disconnect from relationships scared me, and I never wanted to mess up our friendship. But there also wasn’t anyone else I wanted to mess up with more than him.
“I don’t believe you.” He stared off in the distance, refusing to meet my eyes, and I had no idea what was going on inside his head. “I want to, but you just decided you love me today? After our fight? That’s not how it works.”
“I didn’t think it worked like that either, but then I consulted the wise oracle, Astrid, since I couldn’t access Google in this strange new land.”
“I wonder what makes the oracle such an expert.”
“The oracle takes good notes and sees things people try to hide. She knew I loved you before I said anything. I’ve loved you for longer than I’ve been able to admit. Now I’m afraid.”
“Why are you afraid?”
“I’m afraid because I want to have sex, but I’m worried it still won’t be good. I’m afraid that once we do it, you won’t care about me anymore. I’m afraid I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken—you’re vulnerable.” He turned to me and tilted my chin. “You’re my best friend. I think you might be in over your head, but I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
He leaned down, pausing for just a moment. I touched my lips to his and my world opened up. His kiss was soft and hesitant as much as mine was reserved and insecure. The feel of him touching me this way, kissing me this way, was like a long-held sob that had finally broken free. A good cry after a bout of silent sadness. He was patient, kissing me gently, letting me lead the way. Until I gained enough confidence to pull him closer. He tilted my head back and kissed me so deep, my entire body shuddered in response.
His fingers trailed down my collarbone, traced a line down my side, and rested on the small of my back, with the lightest of pressure. With his other hand, he cupped my face, running his thumb along my jaw as he backed away slightly from his kiss, and then went back in, with even more urgency than the last time. My body shuddered again. Everywhere he touched me burned; everywhere he hadn’t touched me needed him to. This was what it felt like to want.
He pulled back, still holding me, staring at me in a sleepy way, like he was half dreaming. “Goddamn. CeCe. What the fuck?”
My eyes welled. I’d never been kissed like that in my life, but maybe I’d misinterpreted it. Maybe I wasn’t any good. “Did I do it wrong?”
“No. God, no.” He pulled me against his chest. “I felt like I was drowning, and I needed you more than I needed air. Fuck.”
“Just so we’re clear, that’s a good thing, right?”
He laughed. “What did it feel like for you?”
“The same. But that doesn’t mean you thought it was good. I mean, sure, I’m a warm body, and I’ll bet that makes me perfectly adequate, but we still haven’t had sex. Kissing is easy. It’s basic. Anyone can kiss.”
“Christ, I’ve never wanted to kick Ethan’s ass more for doing this to you.” He stood and paced in front of me. “Kissing is not basic. I’ve kissed a lot of girls; you’ve kissed a lot of boys. Have you ever experienced anything like that before?”
“No, but—”
“You’re not just a warm body, and there is nothing ‘adequate’ about you. I could kiss like that forever, withering away while I lost myself in you, and I’d consider it a good life.”
“Oh. Since you put it like that, I guess I did okay.” Pushing my insecurity aside, I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight against me. “Would now be a better time to bring up sex? Because I’m still really interested in doing that.”
He took a deep, ragged breath. “Let me go back to my cabin and grab a blanket.”
“Not right now. Tonight. We still have to go to our workshops.”
“Fuck the workshops. I’d rather spend the rest of the day and night buried inside you.”
All my muscles turned to warm liquid. If I hadn’t been holding on to him, my knees might’ve given out on me. “I need to talk to the girls before I do this, and change into better underwear.” I’d finally get to wear my red lace. “If you don’t have any condoms with you, I have, like, a billion in my cabin. All Magnum, though.”
“I have condoms.” He paused. “But bring the Magnums, just in case.”
That scared me more than the possibility of not being good at sex. Even if I was into it, even if I wanted him, it would still probably hurt. But I trusted him. He’d take care of me, and maybe I’d be able to relax enough to enjoy i
t. That was the only first that mattered to me.
Chapter 24
For the rest of the morning, I could barely sit through the workshop. Astrid passed me a note asking what happened, and I replied with two words: The truth. She read my response and gave me a sour look, clearly not satisfied, but I didn’t want any details written where someone else could see them. The camp had too many busybodies.
Sarina had to get down to lifeguard duty, but Astrid and Mandy cornered me as soon as we were dismissed. Not that I’d planned to keep anything from them.
“Are you and Paul a couple? A real one, I mean,” Astrid said.
“I think so?” We hadn’t actually made anything official, but we had plenty of time to hash out the details later. “We’re going to have sex, though.”
“I knew it.” Mandy clapped her hands. “From that first day in the van, you could cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife. This is so exciting.”
“I kissed him,” I said. “Not just a regular kiss. My whole body responded to him. I was shaking and shuddering in his arms, and I’m still not sure what happened.”
“Did you …?” Mandy glanced around, looking for any counselors. “Did you orgasm from a kiss? Because that sounds a lot like what Sarina described.”
“No. I didn’t feel like I was flying and I didn’t hear angel trumpets.” Though, to be honest, if I had heard angel trumpets, I’d probably think they were there to smite me. “It wasn’t something that built up in me; it was just … wanting. And it was consuming.”
“Wow. That sounds amazing.” Mandy got a faraway look in her eyes, like between me and Sarina we’d single-handedly changed her mind about wanting to have sex. Whatever guy won her heart had no idea how lucky he’d be.
“I need your opinions on my underwear.” The anticipation of it all made my heart beat faster. “Keep in mind he’s actually going to see it.”
“What’s he going to see?” Paul came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and drawing me close. I snuggled against his chest.
“My underwear,” I said.
Astrid and Mandy gasped, while Paul laughed. I was so accustomed to telling him everything, it didn’t occur to me to be coy. I was just me and he was just him.
