by Sonia Hartl
Everything from head to toe tingled. The more buttons I undid, the bolder I became, like I could do anything. I undid another button. Then two more.
My sweat-slicked fingers slipped on the second-to-last button, and all the muscles in my back clenched against my spine. It was one thing to think about stripping to get kicked out, and another thing entirely to do it in front of people.
I undid the last button and my entire shirt opened, revealing my yellow-and-teal polka-dot bikini. I twirled my shirt in the air, and flung it on top of Peter’s head. The entire room burst into cheers and catcalls. The counselors tried to push through the crowd, but most of the boys had stood up to get a better view.
“Told you,” said Peter, who balled up my shirt, his cheeks bright red.
“You’ve made your point,” Priscilla called from behind a group of boys. “You can step down now.”
“I’ve just begun to make my point.” I undid my shorts and dropped them. “This bikini used to make me feel good. Until you told me I couldn’t wear it. By trying to force me to be modest for the boys, you made me feel ashamed of being a girl.”
But it was my body, and I’d decide how I felt about it from now on. There, in a room full of Christians, under the watchful eye of the guy who used to date Paul’s mom, I took control of myself. I wasn’t shameful or vulgar. I was a girl in a bathing suit who knew her own heart and mind. And I was fucking powerful.
I reached around the back to unhook the top, and a few of the girls in the crowd gasped.
Finally, Michael, not Mike, broke through my cabinmates’ table barrier. Astrid tried to block him, and Sarina dove for his ankles, but he dodged them both. He grabbed me around the waist, hauling me off the table. Part of me was relieved. I hadn’t really wanted to bring out my boobs, but I’d been willing to go as far as I’d needed to get out of here.
“Looks like we’ve got a handsy one here!” I called, and the male counselor released me, which sent a peel of laughter through the crowd.
After they failed to retrieve my shirt from Peter, they gave up and ushered me out of the dining hall in nothing but my bikini top and shorts. Priscilla shoved a Camp Three SixTeen shirt over my head. She marched me straight to Pastor Dean’s office and pushed me through the door.
“What’s going on here?” He peered over his reading glasses and sighed, like he hadn’t really expected to see anyone else.
“Sir, this girl caused a commotion at breakfast, stripping on a table in front of all the boys,” Priscilla said. “We barely got her out of there before she took it too far.”
Taking it too far was my personal motto. “I want to go home. If you don’t let me leave, I’m going to strip at every meal until you let me go, and next time my boobs are coming out.”
Pastor Dean rubbed his temple as he picked up the phone. “Michael, bring the van around. We have a camper who needs a ride to the bus station.” He hung up. “I’m disappointed in you, Miss Wells. You know this means you’ll be giving up your community service.”
“This isn’t my community. I have no business serving it. Can I call my mom?”
He turned the phone around to me. Instead of dialing my mom’s cell, I called Paul’s grandpa. A number I had memorized by heart since he’d been our emergency contact for over a decade. He answered, and his warm voice chased out the chill in the room.
“Grandpa? It’s CeCe.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know a grown CeCe. The only one I know is a little girl in pigtails with a smart mouth and a taste for blueberries.” Grandpa liked his jokes.
“Are you still hiring pickers for the summer? Because I could really use a job.”
“Sure thing. I’ve always got a spot on my farm for a girl who can sell individual berries for a dollar.” His booming laugh sent a wave of relief through me.
“Thanks, I’ll be in touch as soon as I’m home.” I hung up and dialed my mom next, and she agreed to pick me up at the bus station. I couldn’t tell if she was mad, or in the middle of the monthly bills. Her voice tended to sound the same during both.
Priscilla escorted me back to my cabin so I could pack, and I shoved her onto the front porch and slammed the door in her face. She didn’t belong in our cabin. After I put my things away, and double-checked to make sure I had the girls’ numbers, I flipped open Astrid’s notebook and left it faceup on her bed. Taking one last look around, I picked up my suitcase and headed out to meet Michael, not Mike, at the van to take me to the bus.
Sarina, Mandy, and Astrid,
Once upon a time there was a girl who thought she’d found a prince, so she followed him to his kingdom. But he didn’t want her, and it turned out, the girl didn’t want him either. She wanted a true prince. The girl floundered in this new land. She’d been told it was a dark place with no Wi-Fi, but soon she was greeted by three lights. One with a talented gift she shared with the girl, and so the girl knew friendship. Another with an amazing power to forgive, and so the girl knew compassion. And one more with the heart of a guiding leader, and so the girl knew wisdom.
See, the girl came to this land broken and unsure of herself, but the three new lights in her life reminded her of who she was, and who she could still yet be. While it hurt the girl to tell them goodbye, she knew she belonged in another land. But she’d carry their light with her on her travels, because, of all the lessons they had taught her, the most important one was love. They’d given it to her without condition, and she held it dear, because no matter how far apart life took them, they would always be the girls of cabin eight.
Be in touch soon.
Love, CeCe
Chapter 27
My mom picked me up at the bus station and folded me into her arms. Her light fruity perfume reminded me of Mandy. I wanted to be home, but I’d also miss doing makeup with Sarina, playing melting bead Pictionary with Mandy, and getting life lessons from Astrid. The girls of cabin eight would always be a part of me.
Mom held me by the shoulders and frowned. “You know you’re grounded, right?”
“I figured as much. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, but I couldn’t stay there anymore.”
Mom gave a long-winded sigh. “It’s not just about camp. You quit PETA, the ski club, and said you won’t be doing yearbook again next year. When we sent you there, we had hoped you’d be able to finish at least one thing you started, but you fell short of earning your community service hours.”
I didn’t finish camp in the traditional sense, but I’d found what I needed there anyway. The cabin eight girls might’ve called it God’s grace. I called it learning from my mistakes. “This isn’t like those other times I just gave up. I talked to Paul’s grandpa, and he’s going to let me work on his blueberry farm until I earn enough to pay you back for camp.”
“Sounds like you’ve made some grown-up decisions.” Mom hugged my side as she picked up my suitcase in her other hand. “Let me talk to your father about the budget; maybe we can give you a little leeway if you earn back those community service hours, too.”
“I’m not doing this for the budget; I’m doing this for me. Let’s just call it … personal responsibility.” The true definition of Priscilla’s horribly titled workshop. If I wanted to take genuine steps to correct my mistakes, I had to do more than say I was sorry. Sorry was a feeling. Making amends meant change.
“I guess we should’ve shipped you off to Christian camp ages ago.” Mom ruffled the top of my head. “I’m really proud of you, Fancy girl.”
On the way home, my mom turned up her favorite radio station, featuring the hits of yesterday and today. If they defined “today” as ten years ago. Mom had no shame when it came to belting out an off-key Mariah Carey song with the windows down, and I’d missed her so much, I didn’t even mind. That much.
Mom pulled into our driveway and parked. An unfamiliar car hugged the curb in front of Paul’s house. “Mom, I know I’m grounded, but can I go next door for a minute?”
“That’s fine, but be back bef
ore your father gets home from work. We’ll discuss your grounding as a family.” She hauled my suitcase out of the trunk and went inside.
Normally, I would’ve burst into Paul’s backyard and made myself at home on his porch under the misting umbrella, but I had no idea if he’d been grounded, and I certainly didn’t want to tell his mom why I was home early too. Especially because she’d gone to bat for the both of us by writing those letters of recommendation.
As I stepped over the short hedge separating our property, Paul’s back gate creaked open, except he wasn’t the one who came out front. My heart skipped as I caught sight of a willowy redhead. I trusted Paul not to call his ex behind my back. But what was she doing here?
“Hey, Lara,” I said.
She jumped like a cat under a backfiring car. “Hey. I thought you were at camp?”
“I’m back now.” The air around me dropped to subzero. I’d always liked Lara, but that was before I’d caught her sneaking out of Paul’s house the day after we’d had sex.
Confusion clouded her eyes for an instant before she started laughing. “I know everyone says this, but I promise this isn’t what it looks like.”
“You’re not here to see Paul?”
“I came here to see him, but only because he called me to apologize for reasons that still completely escape me.” A bemused smile touched her lips. “He’s an odd duck.”
“Seriously?” I couldn’t believe he’d actually done it. “He told me he owed you an apology for being terrible at sex the first time, but I thought he was being facetious.”
“God, no. That’s not …” Her eyes widened. “He told you about that?”
I kicked my heel against the cement walk. “He said it didn’t last very long.”
She snorted. “Losing your virginity sucks. Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing. But no. That’s not why he called. He somehow got it in his head that he hurt me, even though I’ve been with Matt, and happy, for the last six months.”
“Huh.” I avoided her gaze. “Wonder where he got an idea like that?”
“Probably from the girl who drives him batshit.”
I glared at her.
“Lighten up. I’m joking.” She nudged me. “I appreciate you sticking up for me on a girl level, but I’m not moping over my lost love.”
“So, you weren’t hurt when he broke up with you?” On one hand, I was enormously relieved, but on the other, how could she be happy without Paul? Yeah, couldn’t relate.
“I was devastated. I cried for days and couldn’t imagine feeling a worse pain in my life.” She tilted her head in contemplation. “But even then, I knew we didn’t belong together. I think I got too hung up on the virginity thing. I blame society.”
“I blame society too.” All the reasons why Lara was my favorite came into sharp focus. “I mean, seriously? Why all the pomp and circumstance around your first time?”
“Who knows? It’s the worst.” She shook her head. “Anyway, I should be going. I have a hot date with my hotter boyfriend. But we’re okay, me and you. Even when I hated you for being everything I wasn’t, I still liked you.”
She ran back to her car, her fiery hair streaming behind her. Paul had apologized to Lara for their breakup. I’d never heard of him apologizing to anyone before. Maybe we’d both grown as people from that weird two weeks at Jesus camp. I debated going back home, to let it sink in, but that wouldn’t have been me. After doing a quick check of the backyard to make sure Paul wasn’t outside, I ran into my house and pulled every sheet out of our linen closet.
I kept a careful eye on Paul’s bedroom window as I draped my old One Direction sheets over the trampoline. I grabbed a rock from the garden and threw it at his window, and then threw two more rocks because it took three attempts to hit the glass pane. As soon as his blinds rustled, I disappeared inside the hideout.
Paul’s shadow fell on the other side of the sheets. “What are you doing home?”
I leaned up on my elbows. “What’s the password?”
He muttered a few choice curse words under his breath. “CeCe is the queen. I bow down to her quick wit and stunning beauty. It’s her stage, and the rest of us are merely players.”
“You may enter.”
He pulled back the sheet and my breath caught in my throat. Here kneeled the boy I loved so much, even the sun felt cold without him under it. I had no idea how I’d gone years lying next to him, telling stories, making jokes, snuggling against him, but never kissing or touching. Not like we had in the woods. Present me wanted to shake some sense into past me for all the things I could’ve had sooner if I’d only been honest.
I held out the hem of my Camp Three SixTeen shirt, the one Priscilla had forced over my head after Peter had refused to give back my button-down. “I chased a guy who wasn’t worth it to Jesus camp, had the most mind-blowing sex with the guy who’s worth everything, ended up getting kicked out, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.”
He glanced at the underside of the trampoline. “Is this a story?”
“No stories today.” I patted the place beside me. “I wanted to talk to you before my dad gets home and my eternal summer grounding starts.”
He hesitated for a moment before sprawling out next to me. “You’re not changing your mind about us, are you?”
“Not a chance.” I took a deep breath. “But I do have some things to say.”
“Okay. I’m listening.” He frowned and laced his hands under his head.
“I didn’t want to stay there without you, but that’s not the only reason I left.” I laid my head in the crook of his arm. “I love my cabinmates, like, so much. Going in, I thought I wouldn’t have anything in common with them, but I was wrong. I’m proud to be like them. But I hate everything that camp stands for, and I guess I get now why Ethan is the way he is.”
“That’s fair.” He untucked one of his hands and wrapped his arm around my waist. “But what does Ethan have to do with me?”
“Because I think I understand you a little more too. After what you went through with your dad leaving like he did. You were right when you called me selfish, and I’m working on that. It took me a long time to find myself again, but I’m getting there.”
He touched my hip and my entire body responded. “I can barely keep up with you sometimes, but you’re the only person who makes me want to bother trying.”
I played with the button on his front pocket. “I ran into Lara on her way out. She told me you called her to apologize.”
“You gave me a lot to think about in front of the chapel.” He brushed my jawline with his fingertips. “You weren’t wrong about me, either, but I’m getting there too.”
“Good. Because I’m not going to be the weak link in this relationship.”
“You could never be the weak link.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “Not after you climbed on a table and stripped down to your bikini in front of a bunch of Christians at the most conservative camp in the state. That’s pretty badass.”
I pushed off him and sat up. “Who told you about that?”
“Turns out my man Peter snuck a burner phone into camp.” Paul pulled out his Android and flicked open his texts. “I’ve got the whole thing on video.”
My voice blared out of his speakers, and I reached for his phone. “Give me that.”
“Nope.” He pulled it back and stuck it into his pocket. “That one’s a keeper.”
“Ugh. Peter kept my shirt, too, the little weasel.”
“Yeah, that’s a squirt rag now.”
I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “Rest in peace, faithful button-down. I’m sorry you didn’t have a better end to your short, but noble, life.”
Paul watched me with a quiet expression.
I wrinkled my nose. “What’s that look for?”
“I love you.”
The way he said he loved me was so simple, so genuine, so Paul. “Say it again.”
He sat up and cupped my face. His thumb glided over my c
heek. “I love you, CeCe.”
I kissed him then, wanting to taste my name on his lips. He tilted my head and poured everything he felt back into me as we explored this new side of us. And under a ceiling of faded silver stars, the girl who learned to swim in an ocean of her making loved the lonely boy too good for this earth, and he loved her back as it was always meant to be.
The End
Acknowledgments
I have so many people to thank for helping bring this book baby into the world, but first I’d like to thank you, the reader, for following CeCe’s story. For the longest time she existed only in my head, but now she belongs to you.
I’m beyond grateful for my amazing agent, Rebecca Podos, who has been my biggest champion for so many years. I wouldn’t be here without your unwavering support, excellent insight, and incredible love for my messy, complicated characters.
To my editor extraordinaire, Ashley Hearn, thank you so much for your passion and your vision and for always encouraging me to dig deeper into the heart of this story. Your fierce love for CeCe, Paul, and the cabin eight girls means the world to me.
My copy editor, Kaitlin Severini, is a literal genius and I’m so thankful for her sharp eye. It was an absolute pleasure to work with you.
A huge thank you to the entire team at Page Street, who have made this the most delightful, rewarding experience. Specifically, I want to thank publicists Lizzy Mason and Lauren Cepero, editorial assistant Madeline Greenhalgh, editorial interns Max Baker and Hanna Mathews, production editor Hayley Gundlach, editorial manager Marissa Giambelluca, editor Lauren Knowles, designer Kylie Alexander for the perfect cover that captures the feel of this story in the best way, my publisher Will Kiester, and the wonderful sales team at Macmillan.
Biggest hugs and thank you to my critique partner and literary soulmate, Jen Hawkins, who has read nearly everything I’ve written and always inspires me to be a better writer.
To Roselle Lim and Kellye Garrett, you both have gotten me through hard times and great times and I love you forever. We’ll always be the three dancing ladies.
