by A. E. Murphy
Ever predictable James turns the light off before climbing into bed. I see his room go dark through the crack under the bottom of the door. “WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
I may or may not have filled his bed with body lotion and sugar.
RUN!
Quickly I scarper into the room and hide behind the huge TV. There’s a spider on the wall, I don’t like spiders at all, but I prefer spiders to an angry sticky James. I really didn’t think this through.
“MAYA!” snigger. “GET YOUR GOD DAMN ASS HERE THIS MINUTE!” silent cackle. This is priceless, truly I’m fucking awesome. Bump. Why thank you, I’m glad you agree Duracell. I hear him stomp around the apartment. “Fuck. So I guess I’m cleaning up this shit on my own.” The kitchen door opens. “Where are the fucking gloves?” A cupboard door opens and slams shut. I stare at the spider on the wall, my body shaking with laughter. “Crazy fucking bitch. Ah ha, got them.” Uh-oh. “WHAT THE FUCK?”
Laughter, too much to hold in. I jump out from behind the TV and flick on the lights. James is currently pulling a ketchup filled rubber glove from his hand. I’m brilliant, truly fucking brilliant! And I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe.
On closer inspection I notice his boxer clad body is covered in lumpy white lotion and grains of sugar. His hand is red with ketchup and his hair is covered in shaving foam plus half of his cheek. Remember I told you he always flips his pillow over when he gets in bed? Yeah, I totally owned that!
“Oh god,” I howl and giggle snort. I’m not even bothered by the piggy noises, it’s too fucking funny. “This is priceless!”
Problem number one, James is now stood between me and my only exit. Problem number two, if he hugs me or touches me, I’ll be victim of my own payback. That would suck. Back behind the TV it is!
Well, my brain left me if you recall, because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have cornered myself. Deep breaths. James dashes around, careful not to knock the wires in his haste. I scream, kick and shriek in an attempt to ward him off. This attempt fails and I’m scooped up and now pressed flat against his sticky body.
“Get off me,” I shout and slap at him, he’s too slippery to get a hold of and have you ever felt sticky sugar? It’s the strangest and most vile texture ever. Walking backwards, he drags me out and through the small gap where the TV meets the wall, I daren’t struggle for fear of harming the TV. “This is so gross.”
“You think?” he snarls and angrily pulls me into the kitchen. What’s he doing? Is that? He wouldn’t. Poof! The bastard just tipped a full bag of flour over my head. Oh, it is on!
Chapter Fourteen
“You two look… umm… happy,” Lucas states and eyes me warily. Almost nervously. What’s up with him?
“Don’t ask,” James sighs and glowers at me.
So it only took six hours to clean up a full bag of peas scattered all over the kitchen, followed by sweetcorn, a carton of peeled plum tomatoes, the bag of flour and the rest of the syrup. Best food fight ever, which ended with the best angry shower sex ever.
I swan over to Amelia and pull her onto my lap, she leans back against my chest and continues playing her game whilst instructing me on how to watch without touching. So not fun. I want to make the doggy in the game sit.
“Aunty Maya,” and it begins. That sickly sweet little girl voice could still thaw out the North Pole. Check your freezers America. “Do you have a baby in your belly?”
“Yep.”
“Did you eat it?” I clear my throat so as not to laugh.
Then the reality of the question she just asked kicks in, I look to Lucas for advice on how to respond to a four year old about the facts of life. He looks as frightened as I feel. “No sweetie. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much the daddy and the mommy kiss a lot…” Lucas and James shake their hands and heads, Amelia doesn’t notice, she’s too busy staring at me. Wow, those eyes are like a hawks right now, watching my every move, it’s slightly unnerving. “I mean, umm… so, they, umm… he gives her a bag of seeds.” They both shrug. Damn them. “She swallows the seed and then a baby grows in her belly.”
“Will I if I swallow a seed?” her cute little brows come together.
I shake my head and laugh, “No baby, you’ve got to be married first.”
“Oh, ok,” she smiles happily and goes back to playing her game.
Later on in the kitchen, “Isn’t that seed thing off a movie?” Lucas taps his fingers on the counter, his head tilts up as he searches his brain. “Something about a sperm donor baby or something.”
“Yeah. The Switch is it?” James clicks his fingers as he says this. I shrug, I heard it somewhere and thank god I did, that was the worst question I’ve ever had to answer. I told you I’m no good with kids, I almost told her daddy has a magic stick… well not really but I was about to mess it up I know that. I’m no good under pressure!
There’s a knock at the door, Lucas hops off the counter, “That’ll be Tegan and Bailey.” Who and who? “Amelia’s friends. Their mom is dropping them off, they’re twins. She was desperate, I offered.” Oh, how nice. More kids.
Lucas vanishes into the hall, do I have time to escape? Or hide maybe? That cupboard in the corner is looking mightily enticing right now. I wonder if I’ll fit.
And say what when they find you?
You could tell them you’re hibernating!
Or that I’m allergic to children and babies alike. James smiles broadly, he loves kids, and it’s amazing how good he is with Amelia. Make’s me a little jealous that he takes such joy in a bunch of snot monsters.
“Thanks so much Lucas, I owe you one,” a woman’s voice drifts in from the hall, the front door closes and in charge two gorgeous little girls with black hair in pigtails go rushing past in search of Amelia. Fortunately they’re both wearing matching pink dresses with a ‘T’ on one and a ‘B’ on the other. Amelia starts squealing and drags them to her room.
“Time to go,” I announce and grab James’ arm. He pulls me back. Dammit. “But there are more than one…”
“Practice.”
Lucas’ phone rings, he steps away from the noise and into the kitchen with a frown on his face as he listens. “Ok, Ok, no of course… I’ll be there as soon as possible.” He flips his phone shut and runs his hands through his hair. “Fuck. James, I need your help.”
Oh fuck no. “Not a chance.”
“AMELIA GIVE ME THAT BACK!” one of the twins shout. I gulp and look wide eyed at James and Lucas. “Don’t you dare! I’ll go with you Lucas. Whatever it is. I’ll roll in shit if that’s required. Please.”
“You can’t come, it’s not safe for a pregnant woman,” Lucas sighs and rubs his face with his large rough hands. James and Lucas have the same shaped hands but they are also entirely different if that makes sense? James has never worked a day of hard labor in his life so his hand sare silky smooth, Lucas’ hands however, are rough and leathery and calloused. “It’s Dana.” He looks at me with sad green eyes. “That addict you met. I really have to go.”
“Nope, no, no and oh yeah…” more shouting and screaming and laughing from the room. “NO!”
“She’ll be fine,” James says and kisses my cheek. “Shouldn’t be long.”
“KIDS!” Lucas summons and three sets of heavy yet tiny feet pound through the hall until three wide eyed, excited children are in the room, bouncing on the spot eager to get away again. “Maya is going to look after you. Be gentle with her, she has a baby in her belly.”
“Ok,” Amelia smiles.
“Please don’t do this,” I whisper, oh my god I’m going to cry. I grab James’ hand, he should look concerned not fucking amused. “Please. Please. Please.”
“Come on, I’ll explain on the way,” Lucas says and shrugs on his winter jacket. I’m still shaking my head, my eyes wide with fear. Fuck, what if they can smell fear?
“Have fun and no candy,” Lucas chuckles and kisses my cheek. He gives Amelia a quick ‘squeezy’ hu
g as she calls it and dashes out of the house with James hot on his tail.
Three pairs of eyes stare at me, “So… you guys eaten?”
“No,” they both say at the same time. Ok these kids have just crossed into creepy Ville.
“Toast?”
“Yuck.”
Sigh. “Pancakes?”
“PANCAKES!” “I WANT PANCAKES TOO!” “ME, ME, ME, ME!” AHHHHHHHH! Somebody please save me.
“Ok, go play.” They all stand exactly where they are. Oh my god! They can can’t they? They can smell my fear! I slowly and cautiously pull the flour out of the cupboard without taking my eyes off the kids who are watching my every move. Why are they staring at me? Stop staring at me!
Crack. The egg goes into the bowl followed by another. I pick up the whisk slowly, my eyes upon them and theirs still upon me.
“I WANNA MIX!” shouts Tegan suddenly, making me almost drop the bowl. Amelia shakes her head, “SHE’S MY AUNTIE!” Bailey scowls, her little lips in a pucker, “YOU CAN MIX IT ANYTIME!”
“Take it in turns?” I suggest weakly, my voice getting higher and higher toward the end. “We’ll go in alphabetical order.” They cock their heads at me like puppies listening to a new sound. “Amelia.”
“NO ME!” why are they shouting?
Let’s just remain calm. Let them mix, feed them. Then hide for a year.
I never want sex again.
Why’s that?
Because the ending result isn’t pleasant.
Gulp. Ok, I kneel down and hand the beater to Amelia. “Me!” Tegan cries and her lower lip trembles. I frantically hand her the whisk. Don’t cry. Amelia starts crying, she throws her head back and wails like a baby fog horn. Ok, I give her the whisk. Now Bailey! Oh good lord! What do I do?
“Help me,” I whimper. Bump. Don’t you start too?
They start scrapping over the whisk. Back and forth and to the side over and over between three sets of tiny fingers, I’m getting whiplash watching them. Tegan falls forward and her arms flail up, she clips the edge of the plastic bowl with her hand which then flies upwards. Straight from my hands, it all happens in slow motion, the bowl slowly coming back down… at me. The kids gasp. I scream. SPLAT, POOF.
There’s a bowl on my head. Flour, water and eggs and caramel are all over me. My hair being their main location.
The kids start laughing! They are LAUGHING! I pull the bowl off my head and glower at them. “Go, play now.” Because I’m going to cry. They leave the kitchen still laughing, I sigh with relief when I hear the shutting of Amelia’s bedroom door.
I call James, no answer. I call Lucas, voicemail. Jacob!
“Hello?”
I sniff, “Jacob.”
“Maya? Is everything ok?”
“No!” I whine and wipe the sticky from my face. “Jacob, and Lucas left me with Amelia and her friends are here and they’re twins.” Sob. “And they’re all being… and I got flour in my hair and eggs and water and the bowl. And I don’t know what to do!”
“Slow down, let me see if I got this.” I hear him tell somebody to wait a minute. “Lucas and James left, leaving you with three kids. And you have flour eggs and water in your hair and you need a bowl?”
“No! The kids wanted to whisk so I said ok because they were shouting. So I said take it in turns but then Tegan started crying so I gave the whisk to her and then Amelia started crying so I gave the whisk to her and then Bailey started crying so I… you get the message. And then they started fighting over the whisk and Tegan fell and hit the bowl out of my hands and it landed on my head.” There’s a rattling and silence followed by more silence and a grunting noise… maybe? Then more rattling.
He clears his throat, “Can I umm… get a picture?” He’s laughing!
“You bastard! This is not funny!” thump, thump, stomp, stomp. “Fuck, they’re coming back,” I whisper and scramble to my feet and stand in the corner. “What do I do?”
“Play with them or something.” He laughs. “Christ Maya, you don’t half make life interesting.”
“They’re in the kitchen now,” I’m mumbling into the speaker. “Instructions needed.”
“Put a movie on the TV, make them some snacks.” Right snacks, got it. “And just play with them. Stay away from anything messy… and send me a picture.” Beep.
He hung up on me!
“MAYA!” Tegan shouts. I’m three feet away, why are you shouting? “I hungry.”
It’s ‘I’m hungry’ but let’s not correct the five year old. Wait, how old are they? Four or five? Amelia’s four so…
“Ok,” I take a deep calming breath. I’ll ignore the mess for now. “Let’s watch a movie.”
A chorus of cheers follow me into the room. This is going to be a long… however long Lucas and James are gone for.
It’s dark and Lucas and James still aren’t back, I’m starting to get worried. Tegan and Bailey left an hour ago after watching a couple of movies and pigging out on Chinese food, their mom came in and helped me clean which was extremely kind of her even though I insisted it was fine. She told me you get used to it. I thought she meant cleaning but she meant looking after the kids. I was worried when she showed up, worried she’d be angry because Lucas had left but she was really good about it. Also she found my new hair product hilarious and told me many tales of motherhood. One where she got baby puke in her mouth, another where they dug up her flower garden and put it in her bed, soil and all. So many tale’s it’s a wonder anyone wants children!
I put Amelia to bed after giving her a bath she’s so good at bed time. Then I jumped in the shower, now I’m exhausted. I’ll just lay down in bed for a little bit. Ah, I’ve missed this bed. Just for a minute, just a little nap…
Someone brushes my hair back from my face, the bed sinks as they sit and soft lips touch my forehead, whispered promises are made into my ear as strong arms curl around me. Hmm… I love these dreams.
Can’t breathe, need to pee, arms trapping me. Gah. “James!” I say weakly, my furry tongue thick in my mouth. Yuck. “Move it, my bladder is going to burst.”
He tenses and shifts his arms, with sticky eyes I climb from the bed and pad into the bathroom. It’s not until I’m washing my hands that I open my eyes, I instantly shut them, blinded by the vision of ugly in the mirror. Why, oh, why did I sleep with wet hair? It looks like a bird made a little nest in the back. My natural waves are now nothing but a cloud of brown frizz in all directions. A braid will have to do. After swirling a bit of mouthwash around my mouth I pad back into the room and find an empty bed. Huh.
“Auntie Maya!” Amelia yells and bursts into the room with a tired looking James. He immediately wraps his arms around me as Amelia attacks my legs.
“I’ve not forgiven you for leaving me yesterday,” but you smell so damn good don’t let go. “Why’d you get out of bed? Where’s Lucas?”
“I fell asleep in Amelia’s room, she was moaning when I got in so I started reading her a story. Next thing I know its morning,” he gives me a boyish grin and kisses my nose. “Cereal?”
So who was in bed with me when I woke up? Is it possible I dreamt it? “Where’s Lucas?” James points to the couch where Lucas is sprawled on his belly, fully clothed and fast asleep. I shake my thoughts free of my mind, I definitely dreamt it. This pregnancy is making me go crazy. Bump. Yes, we haven’t forgotten about you. “She’s kicking.”
James instantly takes to my side and places his hands on my belly, “When I found out we were having a girl instead of a boy, I was rather disappointed.” I never did ask him how he felt, I’m so self-centered it’s unreal. “But now, now I’m liking the idea even more.” Bump, bump. He laughs once and goes to his knees. “Hey baby.” After kissing me twice on my round naval he stands and ushers Amelia into the kitchen.
I turn and reach for the remote on the coffee table, my eyes catch Lucas’. What’s that expression on his face? After realizing how many different things I’ve missed out on by not paying atte
ntion to people’s body language I’ve started studying the people around me as best as I can. I can’t tell if Lucas’ expression is pained or just overly tired though, he’s not very expressive.
“Morning,” I smile and sit by his feet. “So, tell me about last night.”
“It’s nothing to worry about,” I don’t push, because it’s none of my business and it’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about it, they both came back safe and I trust them to make the right choices and tell me if they get themselves into any kind of trouble, I’m not their keeper. “What happened with the kids?”
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. So I tell him the story, I release my pent up anger about the situation by beating him over the head a few times with a scatter cushion. He laughs the entire time and even ends with, “See? It wasn’t that bad.” My clothes from the day before are ruined. Fortunately I had a pair of sweats and a sweater left behind so it’s not all bad. He stops laughing and covers his head whilst I beat him some more.
We all sit and eat cereal in silence, the men seem to be having some kind of silent conversation. Even Amelia picks up on the tension and like me, she knows not to ask. When she leaves the room I clear our bowls and block the doorway. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” James smiles at me and glances at Lucas. “Just a little sibling rivalry.”
“Yeah,” Lucas agrees with a nod and smiles reassuringly at me. I’m far from reassured.
Amen to that.
I throw my hands up in defeat, “Fine, whatever. Come on. We have to go home and get ready for work.” I elbow James in the ribs and grab my coat. “My flour, water and egg covered clothes are in the washing machine.” I give Lucas a tight hug. “Call me if you need me.”
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my head before finally releasing me. Time for another long boring day at work.
