by A. E. Murphy
He doesn’t laugh, or even joke. I’m happy about this, he just kneels in front of me and gives me a sweet smile, “Ok. I’ll find you something to wear and get you something to… why are your bed sheets orange?”
“Well, I’m not allowed on the sunbeds and my tan from LA has faded… so I’ve been getting spray tans.” I pout like a petulant child.
“Well, stop. You’ve got beautiful skin and a beautiful tan without it.”
“Tanned fat is better than white fat!” I stomp into the closet and grab a pair of black stretchy pants. I pull them on. “Do these look like I’ve just finished work or do they look like I’m just too fat to wear anything but black pants?”
He snorts and comes up behind me, his arms slither around my waist and land on my stomach. “Maya. You’re still beautiful. And you are not fat.”
“I’m going to look like an Atlas soon. And the baby’s going to ruin my vagina! If I open my legs people will walk past and go… oh look mommy a yawning hippo!” I rant and stomp one foot. “Stop laughing!” He buries his face in my hair and laughs silently, snorting every so often.
“I’ll go make you a drink.”
“And some chocolate cookies.”
“And some chocolate cookies,” he confirms as I pull on a long black turtleneck top. I look like I’m going to a funeral but I’m actually just trying to slim a few inches… they say black clothing does that. Fingers crossed. Nope, I still look like my own planet.
I waddle after James. That’s right, I waddle, because apparently god didn’t think to invent normal walking for heavily pregnant women. So here I waddle, to the kitchen, whilst the baby jumps around in my belly like a Bumper car in a tight spot. “Stop it,” I grunt as I get booted under the ribs. “Have you seen this? She’s going crazy… it’s not a disco. Stop dancing!”
“Maya, stop chastising the unborn.”
I glare at him, “Why are you here anyway? Where’s your girlfriend?”
He sighs and rubs his face after handing me a cup of herbal tea. Ewww. Why do I have this exactly? “It’s got raspberry leaf in it. It’s supposed to help with labor according to the other mom’s I met at the last three sessions you missed.” Whatever. “And my girlfriend is at work right now.”
“Great to know.”
“You asked.”
I shrug, “So, she’s your girlfriend huh?” Chest, please stop aching.
“Yeah.”
So he’s fucking her. Piss off tears… I swear down if you come now I will seriously never open my eyes again! Ever! “Good. I’m glad.” Just keep her the hell away from me. “I’ll be back in a minute. Need to pee.” I waddle on through to the bathroom. As soon as I’m in there I lock the door, splash my face with water, swallow the lump in my throat and silently scream for a couple of minutes whilst pretending to punch the air. Then I leave.
James is waiting for me in the room with his head lowered and his hands in his pockets. What the fuck has he got to be sad about? “So, can I move in here when the baby is born? Just for a month or something?”
“I hardly think that’s appropriate. You’ve got a girlfriend.”
“She’s fine with it. I can still take her out…”
“Hell no. Not unless you want to be mauled. I swear James, we may be over but my lust for you sure isn’t. I can’t have a guy with a girlfriend living here. No way. Especially my ex-husband. And then I’ll be sat at home watching you go out with… her. That’s hardly fair!” Ok, I was supposed to say that in my head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s just go!”
“Maya,” he breathes and takes a step towards me. I take a step back. “Is this bothering you? Because if it is just tell me… I’ll wait.”
Yes it is! “No. But you’re not moving in here, I’m not moving in at yours. We’ll do weekends or something. I don’t know… I can’t… Let’s just go. In fact… I think I’m going to call for a car.”
“Stop being ridiculous. I’m already here.” Not really, you’re not actually here. You just say you are. You’re not mine anymore. “Let’s go.” He reaches to take my hand but thinks better of it and pulls back.
I relent, but I growl and grumble and moan about it under my breath all the way to his car.
“Week on week off.”
“Huh?” What’s he on about?
“I’ll have her a week you have her a week.”
“Not possible. I’m going to breastfeed.” Actually I was going to use baby milk but I feel like breastfeeding. Just to be awkward. I don’t want my kid around his new woman. It’s not fair. “Weekends.”
His hands clench on the steering wheel, “I’m not waiting to see my daughter every fucking weekend Maya. She’s half mine! I will take you to court.”
“And then you’ll be granted every two weekends. Good luck with that.”
His mouth drops open and he glares at me, “You’re a piece of work. You’re such a bitch.”
“And you’re so not creative. I already know I’m a bitch but at least I’m not fucking someone only six weeks after bedding my ex-wife! Way to move on James.” Fucking whore. Yeah, that told him!
He pulls over sharply at the side of the road and locks the doors. “You are not and I repeat… not taking my daughter away from me. I will be there and there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s mine too. You don’t even want a fucking kid. This will be perfect for you!”
“So your new piece of cunt on the side can pretend to be a mommy. I don’t think so. Will you put your foot on the gas? I’m tired of this and tired of you.”
Ok, you’re really going overboard. Get those hormones in check woman.
“Fine then, I’ll get rid of Zara…”
“Zara? ZARA? Zara from fucking accounting? Oh dear. What happened to the no fraternization policy huh? Didn’t you get enough after bony blonde?” Zara fucking Zara? Gah! Zara? Really? Is he fucking serious! She’s… she looks like a mouse! “James. You could do so much better than a fucking mouse lookalike from shitty accounting.”
He slams his hand on the steering wheel, it shocks the hell out of me. “Don’t insult her! At least she isn’t a fucking whore that’s slept with all of my friends and only wants to be with me because her daddy told her so! And at least she fucking works for her money! What have you done recently you stupid stuck up bitch?”
My mouth drops open. He did not to go nuclear on me! Oh he did. “Fuck you James! I’m out of here.”
I open the locks and jump out of the car. What a prick! He just… and he… then he… oh my god… I’m so angry I could punch him.
“Get back in the car Maya,” he sighs and reaches for my elbow. I pull my arm away and flag down a cab. “Maya…” I quickly climb in and shut the door, he can’t stop me because he’d have to manhandle me and he knows if he climbs in I’ll probably just shove him out anyway. After giving him the finger, I watch him run his hands through his hair in defeat. I bark out my address to the driver and call the doctors on the way home to reschedule my appointment. DJ’s receptionist is really nice about it and promises not to inform James of my new scan date. She should for what I’m paying for her. Got to love patient confidentiality.
James: I’m sorry!
Maya: I’m done.
When I get home I stomp to the bathroom, making sure to put all the locks on the front door first and run a bath. After lighting a few candles, adding bath salts and bubbles I sink into the hot water. I’m too angry to be upset. Dammit I want to fire that bitch!
But that would be wrong.
Of course it would, it’s not her fault she got roped into this mess I still hate her though. Fuck him. What an asshole.
“MAYA!” I hear him pound on the door and start to shout. I hop out of the bath, turn on some soothing music full blast to drown him out. Ah, that’s better. “I can be your hero baby!” doo daaaah dooo. “I can kiss away the pain! And I will stand by you forever! You can take my breath away!” Out of the bath now and drying myself off. I stretch my arms out
and belt it. “I CAN BEEEEE YOUR HERO!” It’s so not as much fun when there’s no one to walk in and join in. I miss Jacob.
Can anybody else feel that strange clenching in my lower back? What am I on about? Of course you can’t. Whatever, it’s really freaking me out. It’s kind of painful and my belly keeps going tight. I remember reading something about this… that’s it. False labor. Commonly known as Braxton hicks contractions. My body is preparing for the birth. Ok, I can deal with this. It’s not bad enough for a painkiller so I’ll just go lay down until it passes.
I do love lasagna. I feel like Garfield, I’m fat, I’m hairy… in parts I don’t want to think about… and I’m constantly lazing around feeling sorry for myself and eating lasagna by the bucket full.
“Up,” Sylvia says and pats my thigh. “We have to go.”
I haven’t told her that James isn’t aware of this appointment. I doubt James will think of ringing his mom to find out either. It’s safe to say I’m a genius. With a sigh I let her help me up off the couch, she even sends me to the bathroom to wash my face like she would a child. On the way out she hands me a banana. I’ve just eaten two trays of lasagna… but yeah, I could eat more.
I’ve never been in a car when Sylvia is driving, she better not drive like an old lady.
“Move out of the way you idiot!” she screeches whilst waving her fist around. Then she smiles at me, “Thanks for calling me for this one. Is this the final one?”
I nod, “Yep. He has to do a cervical check in two weeks and then again two weeks later, to make sure the baby doesn’t suddenly become breach.”
“That’s good then, I’m looking forward to meeting this DJ character that Marie sounds fond of. You have some wonderful friends Maya,” everyone seems to be talking to Marie. Am I that out of the loop now? “Move it you pig!” She starts beeping at a guy walking across the road with a hotdog in his hand. “Get out of the way!”
The guy flips her off. I giggle and sink further into my seat. The baby starts wriggling, perfect timing… not!
“So, you and James?” she says rather carefully. “How’s that working?”
“He’s dating someone,” I respond with blank features. “Zara from accounting.”
Her mouth drops open, “That boy… he’s not is he? This is just some rumor right?”
I shrug, “He told me himself. Told me when he wanted to ask her out… the same day as the baby shower he went on a date with her. Took her ice skating.” He’s never taken my ice skating. “Seems they’re hitting it off because he calls her his girlfriend.”
She shakes her head and sighs but says nothing. I don’t think she wants to get involved and in all honesty, I don’t want her involved. Wriggle, wriggle. Please hurry up and get comfy.
“I can see your belly bouncing around… nice coat by the way.” She adds as we pull up to DJ’s clinic. I wait for her to finish groping me before climbing out.
“I went out to the park and for lunch with Lucas, my coat zip broke right after I discovered my bazunga’s had leaked all over my grey shirt. As you can imagine that wasn’t a good day for me,” I sigh and scowl when she stifles a laugh with her fist and then tries to cover it up with a cough. “Not funny.”
“We should wait for James,” Sylvia announces as DJ gets the machine ready.
“I can’t wait any longer, I have three other patients waiting,” he smiles and starts the scan. Sylvia’s eyes go all tearful as soon as the heartbeat sounds and the screen lights up with my baby’s face. I don’t look, I want her looks to be a surprise.
“So DJ, what happens if two of your women or even three go into labor at the same time?”
“I’ll just stand in the center of the room with a net,” he winks playfully at me. I laugh which makes the little monkey wriggle around yet again. “It’s only happened once. And fortunately those labors were both so different in time that I delivered one first and the next five hours later. So I tend to take patients with at least four weeks difference between them.”
“Makes sense. I think the net idea is good too though,” he chuckles with me and starts taking the measurements as Sylvia watches. “She’s the perfect weight and size. I estimate her to be about seven three on birth. I’m usually only off a few ounces.”
Sylvia hums her approval and pats my belly, “That’s a good size.”
Thank god for that, seven pounds seems so tiny. I just ate seven pounds of lasagna…
“How are you feeling overall?”
“I’m fine, I keep getting a stitch and Braxton hick’s attacks. Those annoy me, they’re becoming more frequent. Also is it normal to go to the bathroom so much and I don’t mean to pee?”
He nods with a small smile, “Yes. It’s just your body getting rid of all the bad stuff to prepare you.”
“God really had it out for us women,” I grumble and shut my eyes. “Wake me up when you’re done.”
“Any cravings?” I hear him ask. Of course Sylvia answers, “Lasagna, lemons and my home made chocolate fudge cakes. All separate of course.”
Nap time.
I climb into Sylvia’s car as she starts dialing James again. His phone is off, probably in bed with his whore.
I miss sex. Me too Libido. Me too.
Sylvia drops me home and goes off to meet her friends for dinner. It’s awkward when your fifty something ex-mother in law has a better social life than you. Although my quiet time isn’t long lived because it is now being disturbed by banging at the door. Sigh.
I open it and James storms past me, his face like thunder, and his ranting begins, “I can’t believe you would do this to me! You promised I could be there! You fucking promised!”
I grab my cool flannel from the table, lay back on the couch and put it on my forehead. Then I plug my music into my ears and stretch out as the baby wriggles. He tugs one of my earphones out. “Are you fucking kidding me Maya?”
“Dude, totally got a brutal headache! Could you leave and call me later to shout shit at me that I don’t really care to hear and probably won’t even listen too.” I wave him off. “Thank you… bye, bye.”
“Mom is mad at you.”
“Your mom is always mad at me. Bye, bye.”
“Stop being a bitch. We need to talk! We need to choose a name and make arrangements dammit!”
“Don’t you have another female’s life to ruin? You know? Maybe go cheat on Zara and impregnate her? Or better yet, if you’re going to stay here while I ignore you why don’t you mount me, it’s been a while since I had any,” I wink at him and go to plug myself back in. He grabs my phone out of my hand and throws it across the room. It lands with a soft thump on the armchair in the corner. Nice throw, if I did that it would have missed and shattered. “Go away James.”
He kneels next to the couch and presses his forehead against my shoulder, “Maya. I’m only going to say this once… please… please… stop this. I can’t take it. At least try to be… civil.”
“That’s not a word that I have in my vocabulary. I’ll refer to the shitshonary later.”
“The what?”
“You know? The shitshonary, the dictionary of giving a shit.”
He rolls onto his back onto the floor, “Do you want me Maya? Is that what this is about? Do you want to be with me?”
“Not really. Although I wouldn’t mind fucking you a few times for old times’ sake.”
“Then why… why are you fucking with my head?”
“Unfortunately I’m not fucking anything… now go away.”
He groans and sits back up, “Don’t I deserve to be happy?”
“Don’t I?” Yeah… I like that. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I’m not whining and moaning every ten minutes and I’m having a baby in six weeks. I’m not fucking around, I’m not dating anyone and I’m also not… pining over… ok so maybe I’m pining just a little but he is the first man I’ve ever loved. Maybe the only man I’ve ever loved. “James. Do whatever the fuck you like. If you want to be there for the birt
h then leave me the fuck alone.”
He lifts his head from the couch and searches my eyes. His once twinkling greens now a dull hazel, he’s exhausted. “That’s what you want?”
No. “Yeah. I can’t… I can’t be near you right now. Our marriage failed because you fucked someone else and now I’m heavily pregnant with your child and you’re fucking somebody else. It hurts… I know I ended it but… I dunno. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I just know that I need you to fuck off and leave me the hell alone. Go to your girlfriend.”
Please. Just leave. It hurts to look at you.
There’s a pause in the air, a moment of silence. Then soft lips meet mine, what the fuck? They move against me, a large hand slides over my breast and to the back of my neck. I tingle, I ache, and I’m becoming the other woman. I stop. “What, you weren’t satisfied with cheating on me? So now you’re cheating on her… WITH ME?” I’m now sitting up, or attempting too. Now I know how a turtle feels when flipped upside down.
“Fuck Maya,” he grunts and sits backwards onto his ass. “Zara is… I don’t know! I’m still in love with you.” Wait… what? “I just… I want you to come home. I don’t want us to be over. Let’s be a family again. I can’t lose you and it’ll kill me if I can’t come home to my little girl every night.”
I don’t move, I don’t react, “Go home. Now.” Ok, maybe that was a reaction.
“Maya,” he pleads and presses his forehead against mine. I place my hand on his chest and throw him away from me. Why does he always do this? He did this before when he fucked bony blonde, he did it to get a reaction… how exactly did that work out for him? Oh look! Here we are now! Separated with an irreparable split between us and he’s still trying to get a reaction. How can he be so… so moronic? “Please.”
