by J. H. Hayes
Daneel immediately saw the absurdity in Azaria's version of the theory and was sorry she chose to speak. But she felt the need to explain herself. "I don't mean that's why they did it," she said. "I just mean it could be an after-effect. That's what people are saying anyway. I just thought you should know what people are thinking..."
Azaria's anger was rising, but it wasn't directed at Daneel anymore. "People think that? It's ridiculous, Daneel. Mother is getting better because of Takur's care."
"Oh!" Daneel remarked, "Well that's good to hear. Now I feel stupid."
While Daneel digested Azaria’s explanation, she wondered out loud what her friend thought of Yumineh's involvement in the matter. "Oh... What about Yumineh?" She regretted the words as soon as she’d spoken them.
"What about Yumineh?" Azaria asked. This time she had no idea what Daneel was getting at.
"Huh! Nothing... Sorry... I was thinking of something else," Daneel quickly replied, cursing herself. She wasn't sure if Azaria had heard her father saved her by suggesting Yumineh and didn't want to get into why Yumineh was passed over. Azaria looked at her curiously, still not sure why Daneel had brought up Yumineh, but decided to drop it.
Daneel quickly changed the subject. "Do you want to get together a little later? I was hoping to find some berries before they disappear this season."
"I'd love to, but I promised Dogahn I’d practice with him later. Maybe we'll finish early though. I'll find you."
---
Yumineh stopped by the practice range because she was craving company, although she'd never admit it to anyone. As much as she'd groused about all the attention she was getting, she'd come to expect it. Now that Fox and Swan Camps had left, and there were only the men of Boar Camp to dote on her, she missed the lavish treatment. She stepped out of Malena and Azul's new shelter into the bright, late morning sun. The newly tied couple had been getting quite frisky with each other and she decided they needed some space. She thought maybe she'd find someone she could get frisky with too. Dogahn came to mind. She missed him, having not seen him all morning. The thought of laying with him again brought an arousing warmth. Things hadn't gone quite as she’d expected since they first got together, but all in all she felt it was going pretty well. She'd been with him more and more, although he’d avoided lying with her again. Still, he seemed to genuinely enjoy her companionship.
She'd also been more open about her feelings for him than she'd ever before dared. She knew others had been talking about them, but she hardly cared. Sooner or later, everyone would know she wasn't a virgin. At first she'd been terrified about what would happen when people found out. But now it seemed inconsequential. She had so much status already, she felt she could afford to lose some. Plus, she was the most desired woman in the three camps now, and probably beyond. As long as she had Dogahn, nothing else mattered. She had no more illusions about Azaria either. She knew they were in a struggle for his love, even if the other girl didn't yet know it. They seemed to be locked in a draw at the moment. Yumineh was frustrated he wouldn't decide one way or another, but didn't know what to do about it. How could he stay with Azaria, but share pleasures with her?
So she walked over to the practice range, thinking if he wasn’t with Azaria there was a good chance Dogahn would be there. She momentarily thought of going back in to get her spears, but decided against it. Malena and Azul were probably already enjoying themselves. I'll just borrow some of Dogahn's and if he's not there, I won't need them. As she scaled the backside of the hill that the range sat on, she heard voices. As she approached, she realized it was only two voices and that they were flirting with each other. She turned and headed back down, not wanting to bother whoever it was. But then she stopped and turned around again, her curiosity getting the better of her. She had to know who it was. Deciding to sneak just a quick peek, she crept up the hill silently, just high enough to see who was there.
Nausea overcame her. Azaria. With Dogahn.
Azaria was swinging around in his arms, a look of sheer delight on her face. Yumineh smoldered watching them play together. He doesn't play with me like that. He looks happy with her, free. With me, he always looks like he's afraid of getting caught. Like he wants to be with me, but doesn't want anyone to know it. A tear rolled down her cheek, realizing he loved Azaria more. Why? What does she have that I don't? I'm a better hunter. I'm more desired by the other men. I've even given him what he really wanted. Why doesn't he love me instead? She looked down in despair and noticed a spear lying in the dirt. She could tell by the coloring of the feathers it was Dogahn's. But what was it doing there? Why would he throw it so far from the targets? It wasn't stuck in the ground, only laying there. Yumineh realized he must have dropped it as they approached the top of the hill. She had a vision of the two playing together as they made the incline and the luckless spear falling out of its quiver.
She picked it up, gripping it in her throwing hand. Yumineh stood up straight and stared at them. But they were too enraptured with each other to even notice her. It angered her even more. He doesn't even care if I see him with her. But he doesn't want to be seen with me. She strode angrily toward them. "Dogahn!" she called, "you've misplaced your spear again." She flicked her wrist, tossing the spear horizontally into the air and in the same motion grasped it behind her shoulder and heaved it forward. It stuck in the dirt right in front of Azaria.
"Yumineh!" Azaria objected. "What are you doing?" Throwing your spear at someone, even in jest, was considered incredibly rude, not to mention dangerous.
Yumineh barely heard her and didn't care. She was focused on Dogahn. He had turned his head at hearing his name called and when he saw her, let go of Azaria and took a step back. The move surprised Yumineh. I startled him. He's nervous. He doesn't want me to see him with Azaria, either. I thought he didn't care. But he does. Or maybe he's just scared Azaria will find out what happened between us.
Yumineh then knew what she would do.
The tears flowed easily from her eyes, even without her intentional effort in summoning them. She approached him, masking her anger and letting despair take over. "Dogahn! I need to talk to you. It's... It's important."
"Uhh... Right now? Maybe later would be better..." Dogahn answered.
"It has to be now, Dogahn," she pleaded. "I don't know what to do. They've found out. Do you know what they'll do to me?"
A tide of consternation flooded his face. He’d been fearing something like this. "Uhhh... What are you talking about?" He tried to smile reassuringly at Azaria, but only achieved a bizarre, contorted grimace.
Despite her tears, Yumineh was enjoying herself. It was working perfectly. Why hadn't she thought of it before? "I had to tell Izyl I wasn't a virgin anymore, Dogahn. They were going to sacrifice me. I had to tell her about us."
Dogahn stood with his mouth agape. He turned to Azaria, who didn't think she'd heard correctly. What did Yumineh mean she wasn't a virgin anymore? Was she saying her and Dogahn had...?
Yumineh was exhilarated seeing the confused look on her rival's face. Azaria's so slow. She hasn't even figured it out yet. "Azaria, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way," she said, deciding to play it up. "I didn't mean for it to happen."
Azaria was aghast, looking back and forth from one to the other.
"Azaria... I... I..." Dogahn mouthed.
"Is it true? With her?" Azaria pointed at Yumineh, disgust chiseled across her face.
He bent his head down, "Yes, but it was-"
Azaria turned away, running down the hill toward the woods.
"Azaria!" Dogahn called after her, "Let me explain-"
But she didn't stop. He took a step, meaning to run after her, but Yumineh threw herself into his arms, wailing belligerently. "Dogahn, what am I going to do?" she cried, loud enough for her rapidly retreating rival to hear.
Dogahn held Yumineh in his arms, unable to push his desolate friend away, believing her anguish sincere. He watched in terror as Azaria's form waned in the distanc
e. If he'd taken her for granted before, he realized now just how much he loved her and the immensity of the wrong he'd committed against her. When she reached the bottom of the hill, he held a brief glimmer of hope as she turned around to look up to them. Startled, he struggled to unlock himself from Yumineh's grip, but it was too late - Azaria turned again and vanished into the wood.
---
Azaria fled deep into the forest before finally doubling over underneath a large oak tree. Not knowing what else to do, she let herself fall to her knees, bringing her hands to her face and weeping desperately. She leaned backward, resting against the wide trunk of the oak. "Whhyyy?" she screamed to the empty grove. No answer came. In fact, there was no noise of any kind. Her outburst had shocked the forest into silence. Only a dismal quiet remained. She dropped her head between her knees, wrapping her arms around them and continued to sob. The same thoughts continued to sweep through her mind. How could he do that? I thought he loved me. Why Yumineh? Anyone but Yumineh... I hate her! How could he do this to me?
Her anguish was overpowering. Her stomach curdled and she soon found herself on all fours, expelling the contents of her gut onto the forest carpet. The stench was nauseating. She crawled a few paces away and rolled over into a fetal position, her chin on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs. How could he do this? Why did it have to be with Yumineh? Why her? What will happen now? Are we broken? Will Dogahn now be with her? She realized she missed him and wished he was there to comfort her. And then she realized she hated him instead. Her thoughts turned back to Yumineh's words. Azaria, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I didn't mean for it to happen. A rabid chuckle burst from her lips. That was seriously doubtful. I had to tell Izyl I wasn't a virgin anymore, Dogahn. They were going to sacrifice me. I had to tell her about us.
How long had it been going on? The thought of Dogahn lying with her was repulsive. A new wave of queasiness churned in her stomach. It was all going so well. Why did he have to do it? Azaria realized why he'd been so good lately. Why he'd stopped pushing her for more. Yumineh was fulfilling his needs. He didn't need that from her anymore. Was this her fault? Should she have given in to him? Azaria rejected the thought. This was Dogahn's fault, not hers. He was the one who couldn't control himself. Wondering how long they’d been fooling around, she traced back, trying to remember when his behavior had changed. At least before the Equinox. She couldn't place it exactly, but realized it must have been just before the sacrifice. That wasn't that long at least. Less than half a moon ago. The realization made her feel better somehow.
She remembered another thing Yumineh had said. They were going to sacrifice me. Sacrifice Yumineh? The thought was shocking. She had no idea the Ta'araki had considered sacrificing Yumineh instead of Jesenia. Who else were they thinking about then? She thought of the rumors she'd heard that she was the one originally picked. Could it be true? Were they considering me too? She cast the thought out. Father would never allow that. He would kill anyone who proposed it. Suddenly, Azaria's thoughts turned ominous. A well of hate sprang up. I wish they had sacrificed Yumineh. She deserves it. Not Jesenia. It should have been Yumineh. How could Dogahn have done that? Why did it have to be with her? He knew I didn’t like her. I told him how she behaved at the Temple.
She lay that way for a long while, curled up on the mulchy ground, obsessing over the same questions, lacking satisfying answers, not paying attention to how much progress the sun was making across the sky. She felt a cool breeze on her bare arms and looked down, noticing tiny bumps and thin, erect hairs. Realizing it was getting cold, she wondered how far into the forest she'd run. She looked around for landmarks, but nothing was apparent. There were only trees. Every direction looked the same. She was grateful she could see the sun poking through the canopy. At least I won't have to follow my own tracks, she thought, knowing how much effort the process could require.
As she stood, she caught sight of how filthy she was. The thought of her father seeing her in such a grimy state was distressing. If he sees me like this, he'll ask what I was doing. He'll see my red eyes and know something was wrong. She didn’t want to have to explain. He had too many of his own troubles to deal with, but also she just didn’t want to talk about it.
Azaria tried to rid her mind of her woes on her way back, but the fresh memories of what had occurred kept creeping through. She couldn’t help dwelling on what had happened, blaming herself and then Dogahn and Yumineh and then herself again.
It helped ease the pain to think of other things. Her mind turned back to the Equinox. Why would the Ta’araki want to sacrifice me? Why would I be so special? The answer came to her, but it was too horrible. What if it's because the Ta'ar did want a special gift? Is that why Fahim named me Bird-Runner. Father seemed so angry about it. Was this why? Did Fahim somehow think the Ta'ar had picked me? Is that what she meant when she said the Ta'ar would require much of me? That They wanted me for Themselves? But why Jesenia? Azaria remembered Daneel had mentioned Yumineh when they were talking earlier and had quickly changed the subject. Why did she mention Yumineh? What was she hiding from me? Was Yumineh their second choice? Rejected because she wasn't a virgin anymore?
A dread shiver crawled up her back. What if they didn't want me in particular? What if they just wanted a virgin girl? Jesenia and I are both virgins. The Ta'araki must have believed Yumineh was too. Is that how father was hurt? They told me he fell looking for that herb. Is that why Hadir sent me away? If they couldn't find me and they’d found out Yumineh wasn’t a virgin, they would have had to pick someone else. What if they found out too late to discuss another option? And they just had to grab whoever was available. Jesenia was beautiful and her family's status wasn't too low.
Azaria walked for a distance in silence, pondering everything she'd been contemplating. After a while, her thoughts turned back to Daneel. Why didn't Daneel want to talk about Yumineh? Why did she get so uncomfortable all of a sudden? Did she know Yumineh wasn't a virgin? Did she know what Dogahn had done with her? She couldn't help the anger welling in her chest. How could she not tell me? Daneel is supposed to be my friend!
---
Eventually, Azaria recognized the patterns of the forest and was again surprised she'd gone so far. To her it seemed she'd barely run anywhere at all. A wave of self-conscious anxiety flooded over her as she arrived at Boar Camp. It seemed everyone was looking at her, before she remembered how dirty she was.
After brushing off and a quick wash at the river, she shared the evening meal with her parents, avoiding their eyes as much as possible. She answered vaguely when Zephia asked her where Dogahn was and if she'd invited him to eat with them. After the meal, she told her parents she was going for a walk.
"Azaria, it's getting colder now. You should stay here," Zephia objected.
“I won’t stay out long.” Azaria promised.
"Well, if your father thinks it's okay."
"Father?" Azaria asked, without meeting his eyes.
"Mmph," he grunted. He'd hardly been listening, his thoughts on his own burdens.
Azaria took the grunt as affirmation and was gone before they changed their minds.
"What is wrong with her, Azerban?" Zephia asked after she’d left.
"Who knows? She's a young woman. Probably just her cycle..." he answered vaguely.
"Quzo. Why don't you go stay with Ania and Shaledar tonight?" Zephia said.
"Really?" Quzo responded with delight.
"Yes, but bring your furs. Go straight there. Come and give me a kiss first."
"Azerban," Zephia started after their youngest had departed. "Since we're alone, why don't you tell me what's been going on?" Since the morning meal, she'd been feeling much better, with hardly a trace of cough at all. She decided to take the opportunity to have a much needed conversation with her mate.
"Uhh... What do you mean?" he said.
"I don't know. Why don't you start with whatever's bothering Azaria? And then you can tell me why Jesenia a
nd Fahim are dead and why Dolaria and Disjad have left." Azerban looked her in the eye and realized the spark he'd always adored had returned - and that right now he didn't adore it quite as much.
"So you know about all that." he said, returning his gaze back to the hearth as he poured dirt on it to lessen the flames.
"Yes, I know. Well, some of it anyway. I've let you keep your secrets because I knew you didn't want me worrying about such things. But you're going to have to tell me sooner or later."
Azerban sighed. He left a small flame burning, before climbing under his furs next to his mate. "I'm not sure what's bothering Azaria. But as far as the other things you mentioned, I fear you'll never forgive me if I tell you."
Despite his fears, Azerban told her of the Ta'araki meeting before the Equinox, of how he'd exploded with rage at hearing of Fahim's plans and of how he'd picked Dikshar up by the neck and threw him to the floor. He told her of how in desperation he'd suggested Yumineh in place of Azaria and of how he'd thrown himself off the cliff that night. Zephia listened silently, gently wiping his tears away with her thumb. Azerban told her of how Hadir had sent Azaria away to save her and what had happened when the Ta'araki returned back from the ceremony. He told her of what Dolaria had done and how he'd convinced the Council to pity her.
Zephia cried with him after hearing the whole story, holding him as she would Quzo after a traumatic incident.
"It's not your fault, Azerban. You did what you felt you had to do. I forgive you. How could I not, after saving my child?"
"But you don't understand, Zephia!" Azerban sobbed. "None of it needed to happen. If I’d just held with Izyl, none of this would have come about. Together we had the votes to stop Fahim. But I was weak and panicked. I failed. I failed Jesenia. I failed Dolaria and Disjad. I failed Yumineh. I failed Izyl. I failed you and Azaria. I failed everyone. How can I be a leader after such failures?"
