Could only take that for about two seconds, needing to reach him, to make him understand.
Carefully, I took him by the wrists, my hold light when I pried his fists from his eyes.
Big blue eyes blinked back at me. Swept in sorrow.
“Big Ben.”
His chin quivered. “Was it bbbecause of me? Bbbbecause I’m brrroken? Likkkke Dillon’s dad ddddid?”
I was pelted with a sucker-punch of shame.
“No. God no.”
Fiercely, he shook his head. “It’s my fffault my mmmom is always alone.”
Misery wound.
A blackout.
I could barely remain upright as I knelt in front of him.
On my knees. Begging for forgiveness.
I reached out and gripped him by the face, making sure he was looking at me when I said it. “No, Benjamin. No. You are perfect. You are the most perfect thing I’ve ever done. That and loving your mom.”
Awareness spun between us. A strike of energy. Different than what I shared with Izzy yet somehow the same.
Connected intrinsically.
Moisture clouded my eyes and clogged the words that started rolling off my tongue. “I loved your mom more than anything, Benjamin. More than anything. But I wasn’t a good guy then. I was still hopeless. I thought she was better off without me.”
Protecting her in the only way that I could. I’d known dragging her into my mess was dangerous. I’d had to cut her free.
“Butttt she neeeeeded you,” he whispered through his pain.
More pain that he didn’t deserve.
“I know. I know that now. I just didn’t understand it yet.”
“That means you ddddidn’t love us enough.”
“I didn’t know about you. I didn’t. I didn’t know about you until the first time I saw you. The second I saw you, I knew it. Think my heart recognized you with the way it leapt out of my chest. It’s not an excuse, but I need you to know there wasn’t a day in all those years that I was without your mom that I didn’t think about her. That I wasn’t praying she was happy and living the kind of life I’d always hoped that she would have.”
My head angled, and I filled my gaze with my son, hands splayed across his precious face. “And I have to wonder if all that time I didn’t sense that you were out there, too. Maybe my thoughts could never get that far from her because you both were pulling at my heart.”
Tears blanketed his face. “Then why didn’t you ffffind us?”
“I don’t know the answer to that, other than I was afraid. Afraid of loving someone the way I loved your mom.”
“Do you still llllove her?” His question cracked, broken in his throat.
“So much, Big Ben. I love her so much. And I love you.”
God, I loved him. Loved him so much it physically hurt.
My ribs expanded. Too full. This massive feeling taking over.
“Do you understand? I love you. You are my son, and I am never letting you go.”
A timid smile curved the corner of his mouth. “You won’t llleave us?”
“Never.”
He swiped at the moisture on his face. “It would hhhuurt bad if you lllleft. Wwwwe need you.”
I hugged him to me. Desperately. “I need you, too.”
His little arms wrapped around my neck. “I llllove you, Dadddd. I thinkkk I knnnew it, too.”
I pulled back. “Knew what?”
“That I belonnnged with you.”
I took his hand and pressed it over my thundering heart. “You do belong with me. You are right here. Forever.”
With that crooked, adorable grin, he took my hand and spread it over the thrumming of his little heart. “Forrrevvver.”
Twenty-Eight
Mack
It was strange when you spent your entire adult life feeling like an outsider, on the fringes peering in and wishing for something better when you knew you had no chance of ever attaining it. You got content in your own weird way because you had to accept that was as good as it was going to get.
Then the roof gets blown clean off that conviction. That resolve blown to smithereens.
You’re left splayed wide open. Feeling things you’d never thought you’d get the chance to feel again.
Couldn’t say I was complaining.
Ian lifted his tumbler of scotch into the air where we were all gathered around a booth at the back of a trendy bar downtown where we’d met for dinner and drinks.
Couples’ night.
Me and Izzy.
Jace and Faith.
Ian and Grace.
Well, we had a plus one. Courtney was flying solo, an old friend of both Faith and Izzy’s who wanted to tag along.
“This one goes out to these two love birds right here,” Ian said. “May Izzy never stop blushing every time our boy Mack here smiles at her, and may he never stop looking at her like he wants to eat her. That’s what real relationships are made of.”
My shoulder was slung around both of Izzy’s so I could hold her close, and there was no missing the heat radiating off of her as she buried her face in my chest, her flustered grin pressing right at my heart.
Ian and Jace had been razzing us nonstop since we’d shown up. Okay, they were razzing me. It just meant Izzy got in the middle of it.
Welcome to the family.
I lifted my beer. “I’ll drink to that.”
Grace swatted at her husband, nothing but love beaming from her smile. “Of course, you would think it’s all about the sex.”
He leaned in and nuzzled her face. “Uh, yeah. Get to live my life in you. What could be better than that?”
She grinned and leaned in for a quick kiss.
“Ha, isn’t that the only thing all men think about?” Courtney added, laughing. “Take away their boy bits, and they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.”
“Faith here sure doesn’t seem to be complaining.” Jace winked at his wife.
“Nope, not at all,” she agreed.
My chest stretched tight. Overflowing. All things right. I leaned over and stole a kiss from the side of Izzy’s head, breathed her in, felt the satisfaction in my soul.
“I love you,” I murmured, knowing she’d feel it rather than be able to hear it.
Izzy turned that sweet face up to me. Tonight, she wore that blonde hair up, pieces all over, the girl so fucking sexy I didn’t know how we made it all the way over here without me taking a detour to my place.
But it was more than that. So fucking much more because I knew I’d never felt happier than when those hazel eyes flashed with our truth. “I love you. So much. I’m so glad I’m here. With you.”
She touched my face, and I swore, I was going to get lost in it. Or maybe scoop her up and get her out of there.
Could feel the eyes on us, and when I pulled back, Ian was lifting his glass again. “Seriously, you look the happiest I’ve ever seen you, Mack. You two hold onto that. That feeling right there.”
He pointed at us with his index finger that was curled around his glass. Like we could take a photo and forever remember exactly what experiencing this moment was like.
No problem there.
It was unforgettable.
This time, we all clinked our drinks in the middle.
The waitress came by, asking if she could get us anything else. Ian and Jace both ordered another, and Faith asked for a refill of her water.
Grace swiveled her gaze over to Faith who was tucked in close to Jace’s side. Her mouth dropped open on a gasp, like she’d caught her in the middle of doing something salacious. “Why are you drinkin’ water? You have been all night.”
Faith’s eyes went wide, and then Izzy and Courtney were gasping, too.
“No,” Grace drew out the word, having a secret conversation with her sister-in-law.
Faith nodded, and Jace kissed her temple in a tender way. “We’re pregnant!” Faith drawled like she was shouting surprise.
“Oh my God, this is
amazin’!” Grace whispered though it was a shout over the din of the bar. “I get to be an auntie again!”
A tear slipped down Izzy’s face, and I almost panicked, a second from asking her what was wrong, but she cut off the action with the way she was smiling and reaching for Faith’s hand across the table. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“Gah, I can’t believe it,” Courtney cheered.
Sitting back in the booth, I took a swig of my beer and sent both of them a smile. “Really happy for you both. When do we get to meet this new little thing?”
She pressed her hand to her flat stomach. “In February.”
Faith had called me last week, and we’d had a long talk about her guilt for keeping Benjamin’s existence from me. She asked me to forgive her. I told her it was me who was working on forgiving myself. She was the one who had done what was right.
Izzy sent me an adoring look that knocked me sideways.
Right into eternity.
“So sweet,” she said. She pressed her hands to her chest. “My heart feels so full, Maxon. I couldn’t be happier than right now.”
Couldn’t do anything but drag her the rest of the way onto my lap, poor girl completely squished between the booth table and me, but she was laughing free, the sound so right, enveloping me.
She curled her slender arms around my neck.
“Mine,” I muttered to the side of her fucking delicious flesh that was making me insane, ensuring she could hear it. That she understood what I meant.
Both her and the boys.
My family.
And I was kissing her. Kissing her deep and desperate. Hands in her hair and my heart in her hands.
A bunch of ooos and awws went up around us.
And fuck, we had an audience.
Ripping myself away, I peered out from behind her as Izzy pressed her embarrassment into my shoulder, girl shaking with self-conscious laughter when she realized we were getting carried away.
“Shut it, assholes. Whole lot of you.” I pointed between my closest friends. Zero irritation behind it. Couldn’t have fronted it if I tried. Was too goddamn happy for any of that.
An 80s song came on the speakers that not a soul in the world could seem to resist, and Grace jumped out of her seat.
“Oh my God, this song. On your feet, girls. We’re dancing.”
“I’m pregnant,” Faith deadpanned, completely droll.
“Pregnant, schmegnant.” Grace waved her off. “We only live once, and all that livin’ has to happen while we’re momma’s, too. Every moment, guys. Every moment. Big and small. They all count.”
It sent the words of my mother’s book skimming through my mind.
“We are the moments we share. We are the moments separating us that draw us together. We are the vacant space between. We are the culmination of love that has been waiting for us to grasp it in our fingers since before time. Since before we existed but were purposed for this day. Now is when you reach out and take it in the palm of your hands. Now is when you breathe it into fruition.”
Now was the time.
Courtney didn’t need to be asked twice. She climbed right out, wearing a sequined dress, shimmying her shoulders. “I’m cutting loose tonight. Who is with me?”
I squeezed Izzy’s hip. “Go on, Little Bird. Fly. Have fun. I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”
Grace squeaked in excitement, and Faith just laughed in resignation. “Fine, fine. I’m coming.”
Couldn’t peel my eyes away as the four of them hit the dancefloor to the Prince song.
Jace rocked back in the booth, all kinds of smug as he sipped at his beer.
“What?” I challenged, though there was a knowing smirk tugging at the corner of my mouth.
He lifted his mug. “You look happy, man. So goddamn happy. It looks good on you.”
“Guess I’m not going to die alone, after all. Going to have to clear that up with my Mal-Pal, aren’t you?” This, I tossed at Ian who was laughing behind his tumbler of scotch.
“All right, all right, I’ll admit defeat. But seriously, asshole, do you really think I was that off base? You’re just lucky that girl is as sweet as she is to put up with a bear like you.”
I gruffed. “Lucky is right.”
Jace angled closer, gesturing to Izzy with a flick of his fingers. “That all went down fast.”
I leaned my forearms on the table. “Think we’ve been barreling down that road toward each other for a long, long time. We were bound to collide. Some things can’t be stopped, no matter how hard you try.”
He hesitated for a second. “How’s it with her boys?”
I looked between them both. “Incredible. Incredible and terrifying,” I added on.
Ian laughed. “Uh, yeah, exactly that. Hardest thing you’ll ever do, and some days you’re going to think you’re never going to get through it, but you wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world.”
“Guess at least I won’t have any diaper escapades,” I told him with a forced laugh, itching a little.
Wondered if it was sympathy that went traipsing through his expression. “No matter what time you come into a child’s life, it matters, Mack. Doesn’t lessen your importance in their lives. Hell, I’d venture to say it makes even more of an impact. Thomas, Mallory, and Sophie are every bit my kids as Collin is.”
A couple days ago, Izzy and I had sat Dillon down and tried to explain to him that I was Benjamin’s biological father without having to give him all the sordid details that went along with that.
Kid had fuckin’ wept.
Not because he was pissed that I hadn’t been there, but because he wanted me to be his “biological” dad, too.
I’d just dropped to my knees and told him it would be my honor if I got to be his dad.
Definitions didn’t matter.
It was the heart’s commitment that counted.
My head shook, and I contended with the regret that vibrated in my being, wondering if it would ever fade. “I believe that, one-hundred percent.” I lifted my beer like I was giving them a toast. “Both of you taught me that.”
For a second, I hesitated, trying to process. “I just . . . wish I could go back. Do it all different. Erase who I was.”
Self-condemning laughter rocked from Jace. “Don’t we all? But that’s not how life is, Mack. You know that. You keep living in the past? You’re gonna repeat it. Only thing you can do is wake up each morning and give thanks you have that day. Spend it wisely. Love entirely. Don’t look back. You can only ever move forward.”
I started to respond when my gaze got tripped up on the movement on the dancefloor.
Oh, fuck no.
A streak of possession blazed through my blood.
A full-blown fire.
Savage and fierce.
Cockroach was winding his way through the throbbing crowd, greedy eyes set on my girl. For the first time he wasn’t wearing scrubs, and instead some preppy boy suit.
Where was Dillon when I needed him?
My hand curled around my beer, fisting the glass like a lifeline. An anchor, only it was what was keeping me from sinking to the pits of that ugliness.
Ian swiveled around so he could see where my attention was pinned. He cracked a wry grin, sitting back like the cocky bastard he was in the booth. “How’s it feel, man? Loving someone so much that you always feel like you’re right on the cusp of losing your mind?”
“Exactly like that. Like I might lose it.”
Only got worse when cockboy slinked up to her like a creeper, not even taking it slow when he set a hand on her shoulder.
Way too familiar.
She whipped around. Her face lit in a stroke of white light.
Staggering beauty.
A wide, welcoming smile split her face when she realized it was him, and those plush lips moved as she responded to something that he said.
He tipped his ear her direction, and motherfuc
k, I was gettin’ sweaty.
Hot and bothered and not in a cute way.
He angled back, mouth at the shell of her ear, and Izzy nodded along.
And that was it, all I could take. I drained my beer and slammed the empty on the table. Pushing out of the booth, I rose to stand.
Ian laughed. Smug as all hell.
Asshole.
But I didn’t slow, just strode across the floor, eating up the ground, going after what I refused to ever lose again.
The crew of the band that were playing tonight were setting up. A DJ spun canned music from the speakers, amping the crowd into a frenzied anticipation.
The throng pulsed on the packed dancefloor, shouting their excitement as a guitar screamed with a strum, the clatter on the stage only adding to the intensity.
Alive and vibrating with energy.
I shouldered through the mob.
Every footstep quivered with need.
Shivered with possession.
From the distance, I watched as Izzy introduced him to all the girls, handshakes going up all around. Dr. Dickbag smiled his sleazy, white smile, pretty boy nothing but manners.
Strange how it left me feeling not so polite.
I prowled up behind her and wound an arm around her waist. Pulled her flush to my front.
She didn’t even tense when she leaned back into my hold, like she already felt me coming, the girl perfection in my arms. She rocked her head back on my chest, and those hazel eyes were glimmering with mischief in the light, sexy mouth hitching up at the side.
I grunted, pressed my mouth to the side of her face. “Izzy Baby. You trying to drive me out of my mind?”
A giggle rippled out of her, one I felt rather than heard. “Whatever are you talkin’ about?”
It was a taunt. A tease of that mouth.
I shifted my attention to Izzy’s boss, and I shoved out my hand.
All friendly like.
“Don’t think we’ve officially met. Mack Chambers. Izzy’s boyfriend.”
Could feel the knowing stares of Faith and Grace, two of them knowing exactly what had sent me sniffing around over here.
Busted.
Fine.
I didn’t even think to care.
Courtney continued to dance, oblivious the way that she always seemed to be.
Pieces of Us: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel Page 28
