by Elise Juska
“So, how is she?” he asked, settling back in his chair, holding his glass by the stem.
“She seems better,” Maggie said. “She says she is. But who knows. I don’t know.” She shook her head. “It’s not as if I exactly trust myself these days.”
“Well,” Tom said. “It can be easy to miss things.”
“I seem to be making a career of it.”
Maggie took another sip. She rarely drank, and already a pleasant lightness had settled in her fingers and toes. Then Tom said, “I don’t know. It didn’t seem all that clear-cut to me.”
It took her a moment to realize he wasn’t talking about Anna, but the essay. Nathan’s essay. When she did, her heart pitched toward him. “It didn’t?”
“I mean, it was strange, sure. But was it a definite call to action? I thought it was hard to say.” He looked at her. “You saw the kid every week. If there was a real emergency, you would have known it.”
“I don’t know about that.” She spread her hands. “Look at us now.”
She took another swallow, and Tom did the same. The night was quiet, filled with the clicking and rustling of invisible creatures.
“So what happens next semester?” he asked her.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “But I can’t go back. My decision,” she clarified, when she saw his eyebrows rise.
“Maggie,” Tom said. “Don’t let this thing scare you off. You’re a good teacher.”
“Says the man who resented me for it for seventeen years.”
But it was light, it was teasing; it was the past.
“You were right about that, by the way,” she told him. “It got too big. It took over.”
“Still,” Tom said, though he didn’t argue the point. He was looking at her with concern. “Don’t leave because of pride.”
“It’s not that,” Maggie said. “I’m just not sure I’m cut out for it anymore. Too much responsibility.”
“You love responsibility,” he said. “Your best self,” he reminded her, and lifted the empty glass from her hand. “Besides, what would you do instead?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll finally get back to working on my book,” she said, but sheepishly, for they both knew how the book had stagnated over the years, more symbolic than real. “Or—you’ll laugh, but—a colleague offered to put me in touch with a friend of his who’s looking to hire writing instructors online.”
Tom smiled a little. “You’re kidding.”
“I know.” She hated it—in theory, objected to it—but it had certain advantages: the flexibility to keep teaching but stay at home. Robert had texted to say he’d talked to this old friend, unprompted, and recommended her. Perhaps he felt he owed her; if so, so be it.
“I miss this,” Tom said, and there was an uneasy lurch in her gut. Then he gestured around them. “All this space. This quiet.”
“Oh,” Maggie said. They sat in silence. Warmth was coursing through her limbs. The trees shone black, the sky a deep blue. “I think that’s why I was afraid of elevators,” she said.
Tom chuckled. “Come again?”
“Growing up in a place like this. Surrounded by so much space.”
“I don’t remember that,” he said. “You and elevators.”
Maggie turned on him, incredulous. “You must be kidding. If I went anywhere more than one floor, I had to take the stairs because I was afraid of being trapped in that little metal coffin. Even if I had Anna, I dragged her along. Come to think of it, that was probably the root of all her problems,” she said, with a strained laugh. For surely this was the worry of every parent, that you’ve passed on your own greatest fears, your deepest weaknesses. “It was probably the exact wrong thing to do,” she said. “I didn’t want her to know I was afraid of them. Now she’s so afraid of everything that she can’t function in the world.”
“Come on, Mag,” Tom said. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” Maggie said. She drew a breath. “But how are you supposed to know? Do you expose your kids to all the things that might upset them, so they get used to it, or do you protect them?”
“You do your best,” Tom said, and this was what she missed: the simplicity with which he saw the world, the inclination to give people passes, let things slide. He looked into his glass, then said, “Felicia wants to have a baby.”
“Oh?” Maggie said. She was startled. “I had no idea it was that serious.”
“She’s thirty-eight,” Tom replied, flexing his empty hand. “I’m not sure I can do it. She keeps telling me I’m not too old. But it’s not my age. It’s just—the world,” he said. “Where will it all be three decades from now? One decade? Is it even fair to bring a kid into a world like this?”
Maggie didn’t know the answer, was glad that she didn’t have to. Because she understood. The future had never felt so perilous, so unreliable, the world a dangerous and often frightening place.
“She doesn’t get it,” Tom said.
He looked up then, peering at the vast and darkening sky, as if at a vision of what was coming. Maggie saw the old worry lines on his face. Instinctively, she reached out and touched his leg, and when he looked at her, she leaned over and kissed him. He pulled back in surprise. “Maggie,” he said, gently, pressing his hand over hers.
She took her hand back. She was ashamed, humiliated, and at the same time amazed a person could still feel such things so deeply around someone they’d been married to for seventeen years. She set her glass on the porch floor. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I never drink.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m not myself,” she said.
They sat under the empty sky, neither of them speaking. The night was dark and it was quiet, except for the occasional passing car. It would start as a faint sound, as a brightness gathering, growing louder as the car drew closer and its headlights flickered madly between the bare trees, then continued by.
Twenty-Four
11/15/2015 9:55AM
Luke: hello?
11/15/2015 12:58PM
Luke: trying this again…
11/15/2015 4:02PM
Anna: hi
Anna: still there?
11/15/2015 4:14PM
Luke: im here
Anna: hi sorry i havent been online since yesterday
Luke: avoiding the internet right?
Anna: partly
Anna: also theres no service at my moms
Luke: your mom has no internet?
Luke: is she a pioneer?
Anna: essentially yes
Anna: she canceled it a couple weeks ago
Anna: which is bizarre i know but at least makes me leave the house
Luke: maybe i should cancel the internet too
Luke: ive been trying to cut back
Anna: to be honest i recommend it
Anna: although then we wouldnt be talking…
Luke: thats true
Luke: …
Luke: so where are you?
Anna: coffee shop on campus
Luke: which?
Anna: oh right you went here
Anna: thats kind of hard to picture actually
Anna: i barely know you and this is a gross generalization but i was at a party here last night and it was packed w bros
Luke: how do you know im not a bro?
Anna: haha true
Anna: wait- are you?
Luke: definitely not
Anna:
Luke: where was the party?
Anna: woodside
Anna: one of my best friends lives there
Luke: was it fun?
Anna: not even a little
Luke: haha yeah i can see that
Luke: i bet i can top it though
Luke: at the last party i went to my brother was waving a gun around
Anna: what??
Luke: and i freaked out
Anna: understandable!!
Luke: and then i crashed my car i
nto a tree
Anna: omg
Anna: are you ok?!
Luke: i broke my leg
Luke: and my face is kind of scratched up
Luke: but basically yeah
Luke: at least now my brother leaves me alone haha
Anna: thats a relief
Anna: and also terrible
Anna: and yes you definitely win
11/19/2015 1:02PM
Anna: hi?
11/19/2015 1:06PM
Luke: hey what are you up to?
Anna: i just left my therapist
Anna: tmi?
Luke: no thats cool
Luke: why do you see a therapist?
Anna: um
Anna: …
Luke: that was dumb you dont have to answer
Anna: no its ok
Anna: i had some issues in high school
Anna: food and anxiety basically
Anna: thats actually why im taking time off from school
Anna: please respond quickly to minimize mortification…
Luke: ok
Anna: ok?
Luke: im sorry im an idiot
Luke: i meant are you ok now?
Anna: getting there i guess
Anna: except for the fact that i cant drive past the mall
w/o having a panic attack
Luke: im sorry
Anna: and im living back at home
Luke: well at least youre not alone
11/20/2015 4:24PM
Anna: so…
Anna: my dads coming to the house tonight
for the first time since the divorce
Luke: whoa
Luke: i guess that will be weird?
Anna: yes and no
Anna: for a while i wanted them to get back together but now they seem so wrong for each other its sort of hard to believe they were ever married
Anna: plus he has a whole other life in portland with his gf
Luke: portlands cool at least
Anna: yeah i spent a lot of weekends there
Luke: i want to live there someday
Anna: you should!
Luke: my dad thinks so too
Anna: are your parents still together?
Luke: no
Luke: …
Luke: actually my mom died
Anna: oh my god luke
Anna: i am so sorry
Anna: …
Anna: when?
Luke: i was ten
Luke: a car accident
Anna: i dont know what to say
Anna: except that fb is totally inadequate for replying to something like that
Anna: and this is terrible timing but i have to get back home
before my dad gets there…
Anna: but do you want to talk later?
Luke: sure
Anna: 8?
Luke: its a date
11/28/2015 7:12PM
Anna: do you ever wonder
what a loser sitting in a coffee shop in her hometown
thinks about on a saturday night?
Luke: haha yes definitely
Anna: if you want to live in portland why dont you just move?
Luke: i mean
Luke: …
Luke: i cant go anywhere until my leg heals
Anna: i know
Luke: and i need to get a car
Anna: yeah but those arent real reasons
Anna: i mean right?
Anna: plus doesnt the cast come off next week…?
Luke: ok ok
Luke: you really want to know?
Anna: yes
Anna: if you want to tell me
Luke: i was having a hard time leaving
Luke: like actually leaving my house
Anna: ok
Anna: like an anxiety thing?
Luke: its never been diagnosed or anything but yeah i guess
Anna: i get it
Anna: seriously i do
Luke: well thats good
Luke: i dont mean good
Anna: i know what you mean
Luke: its just that most people dont
Anna: right
Luke: but whats weird is now that im stuck here i actually want to go
12/12/2015 3:05PM
Anna: NEWS FLASH
Anna: kim is co-hosting a big party with high school people the
weekend after christmas and im dreading it
Luke: how come?
Anna: too many people i dont feel like seeing
Luke: so dont go
Anna: have to go
Anna: kim and janie would kill me
Anna: and i owe them
Luke: well at least you have them there
Anna: true
Anna: i sort of wish you could be there honestly...
Anna: is that a weird thing to say?
Luke: no
Luke: …
Luke: actually i had an idea
Anna: …
Luke: it might be really dumb
Luke: but what if i got a car and drove to portland
Anna: not dumb…
Luke: and i could make a stop along the way
Anna: i know a coffee shop thats not horrible
Luke: or i was thinking
Luke: what if you go to the mall and i meet you there?
Twenty-Five
The Saturday after Christmas, the party was at Brian Tucker’s house but it could have been anywhere. The details were all familiar: the sleeve of red plastic cups in the kitchen, keg on the back porch, coat pile in the corner. It was freezing, which meant there was an attempt at a bonfire in the backyard, spitting sparks into the night sky. Anna had been to this party a thousand times.
Though, in fact, she had actually never been to Brian Tucker’s. He lived in one of the ranch houses in the neighborhood behind the mall. His parents had gone to visit friends in Vermont for the weekend. Since Brian and Kim were now a couple, they were sort of joint-hosting. Kim had dressed up a little, wearing more makeup, jeans with a blouse tucked in. She looked less quirky, Anna thought, less Kim-like. More like someone who went to Central Maine.
“Good to see you, D-B,” Brian said when she arrived, kissing her cheek. Anna found his new maturity disconcerting. The entire party felt a few degrees more sophisticated. Kim had put out plastic bowls of chips and pretzels, and claimed Brian had run a vacuum that afternoon.
It was a cold night, true cold, predicted to drop below zero. Except for the people stepping onto the porch to get refills or grab a smoke by the fire, the party stayed mostly indoors. The living room was quickly filling, everybody dressed for the weather. Even Claudia and Tara, the notoriously underclad, were wearing turtlenecks and big furry boots. There was lots of hugging as people entered, as if it had been years since they’d seen each other instead of less than four months. Most of them were from Anna’s class, though there were some juniors and seniors. Maybe they’d been invited; maybe they’d heard the rumor of a proper party, of the extra alcohol Brian had bought with his newly passable fake ID. As Anna watched Kim and Brian greet people by the front door, her arm tucked around his waist, she realized that Kim might well marry Brian Tucker, settle down in Stafford and never leave.
“Anna!”
She scanned the room to find Claudia Jones smiling, heading toward her. The smile was disorienting. Their last contact had been on Facebook, when Claudia had posted a link to the article about her mom, the essay, and Anna had never replied. Now, though, Claudia hugged her. “How are you?” she said.
It wasn’t clear what exactly Claudia was referring to: Obviously she’d heard about Anna’s mother, but did she know that Anna had been living back at home? She smiled noncommittally. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so glad you came,” Claudia said, squeezing her arm.
It sounded sincere, but before Anna could respond the front door flew open and a group of guys arrived together, provoking a boisterous round of back slaps and hugs. There was Leo, and Gavin. Anna saw Kim q
uickly scour the room for her, eyebrows raised. Anna gave her a nod. She watched as Gavin was met with more slaps and handshakes, handed one drink and then another. He looked a little like a hipster, Anna thought, as he threaded his way across the room. He was wearing a checkered button-down, red-and-white and fitted across his chest.
“Well, hi,” she said, when he was standing in front of her.
Gavin didn’t even bother speaking before he folded her into a hug. She could smell the cold on his shirt. He held her tightly, and it occurred to her that he would have heard everything from Brian.
“How are you?”
“I’m good.”
He stepped back, holding her loosely by the shoulders. “Really?”
“Really.”
“You look good,” he said, and she resisted dwelling on what this meant—good as in thin? Good as in healthy? The truth was, it probably meant nothing.
“You do too,” she said. “You look different.”
