“Alexa!” Currents in the air to my left shifted, and I turned my head in that direction, finally daring to open my eyes. The brightness made my head pound, but I forced myself to keep them open until the dazzle resolved into Val’s beautiful face.
“Hi, baby,” she said, and now her voice was thick with emotion. Crouching so that our heads were level, she stroked my hair with a feather-light touch. “Kyle and Karma stopped by to see how you were doing.”
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They entered into my field of vision then, framing Valentine and wearing hopeful smiles.
“Hey,” Kyle said. “Welcome to the club.”
My muscles felt so strange—as though they had all been unhinged and put together just slightly out of place—but I did my best to smile at him.
Karma stepped forward and briefly rested a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Well fought, Alexa.” I heard what she wasn’t saying too, though—that the harder battle was still to come. I swallowed once, wincing at the dryness of my throat, and tried to speak. “Thank you.” The words came out in a rasp, but they were intelligible. “For being so supportive.”
Karma took her hand away and turned toward the door. “I’m glad you’re awake. We’ll leave you in peace.”
As soon as they had gone, Val climbed into the bed. Her movements were cautious, but I could sense the urgency behind them. “Oh, baby, it was so hard. So hard to watch you in pain like that and not be able to do anything.” She cradled me close and pressed soft kisses wherever her lips could reach.
“S’not so bad now.” My tongue felt large and swollen in my mouth.
“Good, good.” She smoothed the hair back from my sweaty brow, and I sighed in relief at the coolness of her touch. “They said they think it took. You won’t have to go through that again, thank God.”
“So tired.”
She rolled away slightly and I shifted toward her, retaining the contact. She gave me a lopsided smile and wrapped her arms around me carefully. “Go to sleep, babe. I love you. I got you. Always.”
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• 184 •
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Chapter SeveNteeN
The ground was close, caressing my belly like a languid lover. The grass and brush around me tugged at my skin, barely slowing my progress but reminding me that I was prowling ever forward. The air around me was stale and hollow, devoid of sensation. I could feel it slowly lulling me into apathy. I let my head sway back and forth, in time to my gait. Waiting.
Suddenly, from the left, a flash of white and the swish of parted leaves. My skin prickled to life. My muscles screamed electric. Gone was the veil of emptiness—this was the hunt and my blood surged to it. I circled around, carefully testing the air. The initial surge of exhilaration was replaced by an unfamiliar caution. Tension stiffened my muscles and I growled in frustration. I wrenched myself forward and padded slowly to where I had first caught sight of my prey. A fluttering in the bush just ahead and I was off. The air whistled around me in a breeze manufactured by the pushing and pulling of my claws against the earth. Deep inside, the unease tangled my guts into a knot. The scent reached me then, warm and rich like soil after the rain. I relaxed into my instinct, following the sight and sound and smell of my prey. There was a barrier before me, large and imposing, I shifted to drive the rabbit toward it. She dodged and broke toward my left. The move caught me mid-stride and by the time I adjusted, she was already several lengths away. There was another barrier further ahead. I angled myself to the outside and concentrated on driving her toward it. This time, she didn’t dodge and I flushed her right into a corner. Trapped.
Triumphantly, I edged toward her slowly, cutting off her avenues
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of escape. The fear that radiated off her quivering body smelled like ambrosia to me. I gathered myself to pounce and then—
A blurring. The rabbit vibrated, fading in and out of visibility. Unconsciously, I backed away a step. I blinked and the rabbit was gone, replaced by a larger form, pale and smooth. The body uncurled and I took two more steps back. A head swiveled in my direction and I stared into a pair of eyes—clear blue and deep like an artesian spring. Valentine.
A voice in my head. Familiar, yet unwanted. I tried to inch forward but my legs wouldn’t respond. The hunger gnawed ferociously in my belly and I tapped into it to force a step. Pain ripped through my body as my muscles attempted to rebel. Valentine. Valentine. Valentine. The thought pounded in my head like a heavy spike. I recoiled from the voice, from the pain, and relinquished my control to the Other inside me. She forced me to run—away from the prey, away from my instincts. Rage clawed through me and unleashed itself in a furious howl. I woke just in time to stifle the scream that threatened to tear its way up my throat. Val was sleeping to my right, her arm thrown protectively across my waist. She was breathing deeply and evenly, oblivious to my sudden wakefulness. Outside, the night still reigned, but on the edge of the horizon, the barest glimmer of dawn was emerging. I carefully slithered out of the bed and rearranged the blankets to cover her fully. Helen had arranged for us to stay in the same room that Val had kept during her adjustment period. The familiarity of the room was comforting even if its amenities were not. I tiptoed my way to the bathroom and grimaced when the harsh fluorescent lights buzzed to life as the motion sensor detected my presence. Carefully, I closed the door behind me and leaned heavily against the counter. Staring back at me from the mirror above the sink was a hollow face with unfamiliar sharp lines and dark shadows. I turned the tap to cold and splashed water on my cheeks. I welcomed its icy sharp sting.
I’d been having the dreams for three weeks now. In the early days, I couldn’t sleep at all. Dr. Clavier prescribed some Klonopin that helped to quell the anxiety that threatened to beat my heart right out of my chest. I took the pills religiously for the first week and managed a few good hours of rest each night. At that point, I capitulated to Valentine’s insistent urging that I let her stay with me. At first I had dug in my heels, fearing for her safety if I suddenly shifted in the middle of the
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night. She countered by arranging an alarm system: number one on the room’s speed dial connected to the Consortium’s security force. When I took a different tack, pointing out that her commute to classes would be doubled, she waved me off saying that if she managed it for the weeks of her transition, she could easily do it again for mine. Finally, I gave in to what, at the core, we both wanted. Val was better at calming me down than any neuroinhibitor. With her to curl up to sleep with every night, I weaned myself off the medication. I could manage about four to five hours of sleep in a row now before the hunting dream would inevitably wake me with the beast’s sleep-ending howl.
I eased myself into a cross-legged sitting position on the cold tile floor. In the days immediately after the introduction of the virus, I had demonstrated some of the characteristics of a woman going through chemotherapy. I vomited all the time and lost a tremendous amount of weight. I ached as though in the throes of a severe flu and would frequently be seized by debilitating leg cramps. Valentine had put up a strong façade during that process, but I’d seen the pain in her eyes just as clearly as I could feel it in every movement of my body. I welcomed the suffering, then and now, as proof that the virus had taken hold. And fortunately, by the time the semester had started up again, the worst was behind me and I felt strong enough to go to class. Val was omnipresent. She had even changed her course schedule to match mine as closely as possible. She waited on me hand and foot, fretted when I didn’t finish a sandwich, and threatened to bolt for Clavier every time I had so much as a headache. As a result, I had started to withhold facts from her. It made me infinitely guilty to have to lie to her, but my pain was much easier to bear with just my knowing it. She had fed from me only sparingly, not wanting to stress my body any more than the virus already was.
T
onight would be the first full moon since my infection. All week I had been feeling the panther coming into wakefulness, like a beast slowly emerging from hibernation. The panther’s consciousness wasn’t fully alert yet but her presence was there. I could be in the middle of a conversation and get hit by a distraction so severe I would lose my train of thought. Karma assured me that this was normal. She recommended that I take the time to study the sensations and get used to them, since they would only get more intense after the first transformation. The knob of the bathroom door turned and shook me from my
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thoughts. Val stepped into the room, blinking adorably. She saw me on the floor and frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”
I stood and wrapped my arms around her waist. I tilted my head up and was rewarded with a kiss. “I’m fine. Did I wake you?”
“No. No, I did that on my own. You should try to get some more rest. For tonight.” Worry creased the corners of her eyes.
“Actually, I need to start getting ready if I’m going to make it to class today. There’s a special speaker coming in for my Antitrust class and I don’t want to have to rely on someone else’s notes.” I turned toward the sink to grab my toothbrush just as the spark of protest flickered to life in Val’s gaze.
“Class?” I could tell from the slight waver in her voice that she was trying to contain the objection and sound reasonable. “I don’t know if class today is the best idea.”
I spoke around the toothbrush in my mouth. “I feel fine. If I have to stay here for one more day, especially today, I swear I’m going to claw my way out of the building, kitty or no.”
“Baby, I just think—”
I spat toothpaste into the sink emphatically. “Val, this is not negotiable. I’m going to be transforming once a month for the rest of…
ever. What’s the sense in making this a huge deal when it needs to become a part of my routine? Besides—” I could hear the testiness in my own voice and my heart despaired that I was taking my aggressions out on Val. But I was too tired from dealing with the new emotions to sugarcoat. I paused to rinse my mouth and toothbrush in order to rein in my temper. “The panther…I think she needs to be outside. Especially today.”
Val’s eyes widened. “You can feel…her…already?”
“Yes. It’s like she’s sleeping. But I can feel her there.”
“Wow.” I turned around and wrapped my arms around Val’s waist and pressed the side of my face against her chest. She hugged me automatically but there was tension in her back and arms. “You’ll be careful, right? Do you want me to come with you?”
“I’ll be fine.” I gave her one last squeeze before stepping back.
“But you can call me between every class if that will make you feel better.”
Val looked skeptical but she nodded and kissed the top of my head. “I’ll do just that.”
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v
They moved my Antitrust class from the law building to a small theater in the nearby film school complex. I arrived early only to find that half the seats were already taken. The guest speaker, Christopher Blaine, was a senator from Ohio who co-sponsored the Blaine-Hutchinson Act, a milestone in antitrust law, specially targeted to prevent financial institutions from building up monopolies in the wake of the mortgage crisis. The reason Blaine’s lecture was so well attended was not of his legislative accomplishments, but because he was widely considered to be the top nominee for the Democratic presidential ticket. Most of the people already staked out in the best seats weren’t even law students, but curious citizens hoping to catch a glimpse of future greatness. I found a seat in the middle, about two-thirds of the way up. Within minutes, the room started filling up. By the time Blaine stepped to the podium, there were bodies in every seat and even some lounging against the back wall and sitting in the aisles. I flipped open my notebook to a new page and settled in for some furious note taking. My professor introduced his special guest to a thunderous round of applause and a smattering of boos. The second Blaine took to the podium I felt a prickling in my skin that made the hair on my head feel like it was standing on end. My throat was suddenly dry and I had a hard time sitting still in my seat. I shifted uncomfortably, trying not to create too much of a disturbance. I found that when I concentrated on Blaine’s voice, the discomfort grew, so I tried to distract myself by scanning the crowd.
Two rows down, a shaggy-haired man had his arm thrown possessively around a petite redhead. She was leaning away from him, trying to take notes on the lecture. I could tell by looking that she didn’t like his public display of affection but what was really interesting was that I could smell it. The disgust rolled off her like a musty rot and it only seemed to intensify in the face of his obliviousness. I shifted my observation farther down and to the right. A babyfaced guy in a navy blazer and khakis in the front row was leaning eagerly toward Blaine, totally enthralled. His scent, when I was able to isolate it from the bouquet of the room, was sharp and pungent. Desire, a little voice in my head informed me. He wants Blaine. I shivered against the strength of it.
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Finally I focused my attention on Christopher Blaine himself. The electric intensity was still there, but I forced myself to analyze its components. It was a powerful feeling and slightly uncomfortable. It was like fighting the urge to flee. Part of me wanted to attack him, but the rest of me was trying to steer clear. He’s an alpha, instinct told me. You need to fight him for dominance. An image of Blaine lying bloodied and bowed before me flashed through my mind. I gasped out loud and drew the annoyed glances of those sitting around me. I swallowed down the nausea that roiled in the pit of my stomach. When the lecture ended, I quickly gathered my things and hurried out of the hall. Many of the other students were hanging around to ask questions but I needed to get out of there as fast as I could. I held my breath until I got outside and then sucked in a long, cold drink of winter city air. It made my eyes sting and I closed them, feeling warm tears slide down my cheeks. When I opened my eyes again, Val was standing in front of me with a frantic look on her face.
“Babe! What is it?” She had a large duffel bag thrown over her shoulder. It looked heavy but she didn’t seem to remember that it was there. “What happened? Are you hurt?”
I rubbed a hand across my face and brushed the tears away. “I’m fine, sweetheart. I’m sorry I scared you. I had a moment in the lecture, but it’s over now. I just got seized by an unfamiliar sensation. That’s all. I’ve got it under control now.”
Valentine looked like she wanted to push the issue but I took her hand and led her away toward Washington Square Park. We walked a few blocks and flagged down a cab. I held Val’s hand as the cab sped north toward the Consortium hunting facility. She was vibrating tension—I didn’t need the panther’s awareness to know that. I placed a kiss on her shoulder and snuggled into her arm. Tonight would be my first full moon. I would be ready.
I had to be.
v
Val walked with me into the vast hunting room. The whole trip to the facility, she kept glancing over at me as if I were going to change right then and there. Karma met us on the way in, but as soon as she saw the looks that Val was giving me, she offered to wait outside. If Helen
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was in the facility somewhere, she didn’t make it known right away. I wasn’t offended. I figured she would make her appearance at the most dramatic and emotionally inappropriate time. I couldn’t shake the strange, new feeling that she was just waiting for an opportune moment to claim Val for her own.
We walked to the same spot where Darren had shifted for me almost a month before. I turned to Val and stepped into her embrace. She buried her face in my hair.
I didn’t know what to do or say, so I took refuge in the pragmatic.
“I should probably take my clothes off. No
sense in ruining a perfectly good pair of jeans.” Val smelled so good, like Belgian waffles and crossword puzzles on a Sunday morning. I backed away from her reluctantly.
“Here, let me help.” Her fingers were sure as she gently unbuttoned my pink oxford shirt. I reached back and unfastened my bra and when Val was done, I slipped both the bra and my shirt off in one motion. Val sucked in an involuntary breath and I could see her pupils dilating in desire. I unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them off with my panties. I handed the whole pile of clothes to Valentine, who was gazing at me with equal parts devotion and need. “You are so beautiful.”
I stepped in close again and took her face in my hands, then tenderly pressed my lips into hers. I’d wanted it to be a soft comforting kiss but the moment we touched, her desire poured into me like a flood unleashed. I groaned into her mouth and slid my fingers back so I could grasp her hair and pull her closer. My nipples tightened and chafed against the wool of her sweater. When I forced myself to pull away, she cried out softly.
“Wow, that was…wow.” I was breathing faster now and warmth suffused my entire body. “I wish we could…I mean…it’s getting kind of late.” I finished lamely.
Val sighed and nodded her head. “I’ll be upstairs. And I’ll be right here when you come back. I love you.” We kissed one more time and then she took my clothes and exited from the doorway that led to the observation room upstairs. I heard the metal doors clang shut behind her with a brutal kind of finality.
With Val gone, the room felt bigger. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. I was suddenly keenly aware of my nakedness and overwhelmed with the urge to cover myself. Perhaps a pair of jeans
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was worth sacrificing. I sat on the cold concrete floor and hugged my knees to myself. Soon. It would all happen very soon and then things like nakedness and modesty would hardly matter.
I could feel the panther stirring inside me. My own thoughts were becoming increasingly punctuated with primal urges like hunger and fear. The panther didn’t like sitting out in the open; she wanted to be in the brush. There were times when I practically shook from repressing the intense urges that bubbled up inside me like random compulsions. Run. Hide. Hunt.
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