by Linda Huber
‘Are you enjoying your visit, Soraya?’ said Mel, when the little girl passed her glass for more juice. Soraya nodded, and Mel patted her shoulder. ‘Good girl.’
The words were friendly, the gesture was motherly, but the smile didn’t quite reach Mel’s eyes. Appalled, Ella realised that the other woman was looking after Soraya kindly and efficiently, but without loving her. And Soraya knew it.
It was hard saying goodbye. All Ella wanted to do was fold the child into her arms and hold her tight, and that was precisely what she wasn’t supposed to do yet.
‘I hope we’ll be able to visit you again very soon,’ she said at last, holding Soraya’s gaze. The girl stood for a moment without speaking, then turned and ran upstairs.
Ella was silent as they started back to St Ives. After a while she pulled out her mobile. ‘I said I’d phone Liz. What do you think?’
Rick’s voice was void of expression. ‘If you want Soraya, go for it. It’s your decision, after all, I - ’
He broke off, and Ella stared at him, her thumb hovering over Liz’s number.
‘You what?’
He rubbed his face. ‘I – I’d be at work all day, so you’d be more hands-on than me.’
His expression was guarded. Ella hesitated, then pressed connect. The sooner they got this process started, the better.
Chapter Four
Thursday 15th – Friday 16th May
Amanda still hadn’t had a satisfactory talk with James about the baby; she had no idea what he was thinking and it wasn’t a good feeling. She’d even started biting her nails again, something she’d stopped when she was fifteen. Part of the problem was they hadn’t managed to meet since she’d told him, as Gareth was at home with a virus at the beginning of the week. It was horrible, not knowing which direction her life would take. Would her future be with James and excitement, or Gareth and safety and family? Sometimes all she wanted was to turn the clock back to the days when she and Gareth were happy together, and hold on to that happiness as hard as ever she could. But that was impossible. James was part of her life now, and his reaction would shape what she told Gareth, which in turn would shape what became of her life – and Jaden’s too. Amanda blinked back tears. She might have destroyed her child’s happy little family life.
However you looked at it, her marriage was in trouble. Gareth was so fanatical about his work, and that would only get worse when he started the new job next month. Tears of self-pity welled up in Amanda’s eyes. Her husband would barely notice if she and Jaden packed their things and left today.
On the other hand, if James ran a mile without saying goodbye, it might be best to say nothing about the affair to Gareth. The two men were alike enough that she didn’t have to worry about the baby taking after its father. Both were tall and dark, although Gareth had unusual grey eyes that he’d passed on to Jaden, and James’ were brown like hers.
Amanda bit her lip. It sounded easy when you thought about it in black and white like this, but James’ reaction would probably be somewhere in the middle of the two extremes, which would make everything complicated and messy. The mess was of her own making, she was under no illusions about that, and it didn’t make her feel proud. Starting an affair hadn’t been her best move as a mother.
Jaden snored gently on the sofa, and Amanda spread her sweatshirt over him and boxed him in with cushions. She usually put him in his cot for his nap, but today he’d fallen asleep where he’d had lunch. Feeding him in front of the TV meant she could sneak some vegetables into him while he was engrossed. Satisfied he wouldn’t roll off, she took her phone through to the kitchen. Time to call James and warn him that business, not sex was on the menu tomorrow. They were meeting here; she hadn’t been able to find a sitter.
His voice was upbeat. ‘Hi, sweetie, are we still on at your place tomorrow?’
It didn’t sound as if he was planning to run off and leave her, and Amanda choked back a sob. The hormones were playing havoc with her already. She didn’t usually burst into tears at every little thing.
‘Yes. James. I – I want us to have a proper talk about the baby.’
‘I know. I’ve been feeling bad about that. You know I’ll stand by whatever you want to do. Will we have time for a long chat tomorrow?’
Relief washed through Amanda like a cool wave on a hot day. It was going to be okay. ‘Yes. It’s Gareth’s last day in his old job and they’re having a do for him, so heaven knows when he’ll be back.’
‘I thought the new job didn’t start till June?’
‘It doesn’t, but he’s got so much bloody overtime he leaves tomorrow. He’s going on a solo-walking trip next week and then we’re all going to Scotland on holiday.’
Now she really was crying as the relief that James was sticking around gave way to resentment that he was asking about Gareth and not about her and the baby.
‘Right. So we’ll have time to plan while he’s away, too.’ His voice was upbeat; he hadn’t realised she was upset. ‘We’ll manage something, okay? I have to go, Amanda, but I’ll see you soon.’
He broke the connection, and Amanda went back through and flopped down beside Jaden. From a purely practical point of view it would have been easier if James had said, ‘Hell, no, I’m out of here.’ But she’d known he wasn’t that kind of person. She’d never have become involved with someone like that. She and James were both decent people who’d simply wanted some extra fun in life – although the fun was in a grey zone, she knew that. Did he have other girlfriends? But even if he did, she was the one with the baby. Could they make a go of it? Did she want to?
She was having coffee and mulling over her options when Gareth arrived home, early for once. He sat playing with Jaden while Amanda phoned for pizza, then they all ate together on the living room floor, Jaden straddling one of Gareth’s thighs and Thomas the Tank Engine tooting around on the DVD player. Guilt washed through Amanda as she watched her husband cut pizza into bite-sized chunks for Jaden. This was the kind of thing she loved – family fun, a little picnic with them all enjoying themselves. But their days as a family were almost certainly numbered. Gareth must have noticed her silence because he reached out and hugged her, Jaden squealing in protest as his ‘horse’ slid to one side.
‘Steady, cowboy. Mands, I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. The new job’ll give us more family time, you’ll see. And the holiday will do us good. I’ll come back from my walk a new man and we’ll all have a great time in Scotland.’ He kissed her head.
For a moment Amanda leaned on him. She had loved him so passionately when they first got together – would it be possible to get that back? How very much easier it would be just to forget James and carry on in their own little family, her and Gareth. Of course, that could still happen. James might be happy to forget about her, too. Was he really the kind to settle down and start a family? Although – he had such a knack with Jaden. He did like kids. What a mess she was in.
She was still half-asleep when Gareth put his head round the bedroom door the following morning.
‘Last day, wish me luck,’ he said cheerfully. ‘I don’t know when the leaving do’ll finish so expect me when you see me, okay? Love you.’
Amanda listened as the car exited the garage and roared off into the distance. How awful; he was clueless about what was going on in his family. And now she had six hours to put in till James came for their talk. She felt like a sixteen-year-old with an important exam ahead of her; her stomach was heaving and she felt… Oh no.
It was morning sickness, of course. She’d had it badly with Jaden; not physical sickness, more a horrible nauseous feeling, and it had gone on for most of the pregnancy. Another eight months of feeling like crap was staring her in the face, and who was going to hold her hand through it this time? Amanda rolled out of bed and went to make tea and toast. They’d been the only things that had helped last time.
Fortunately, a slice of toast and a mug of sweet tea put paid to the nausea for the moment. Amanda woke Jaden to ensure he
’d be properly tired at lunchtime, and started to think about what she should cook for James. The few times he’d come here before, they’d had a glass of wine and some finger food and then gone straight to bed, but that wouldn’t happen today. Eventually she decided to make apple cake. Then they could have ice cream or just cream with it, and coffee. She bundled Jaden into the buggy and set off for the local shop.
By twelve o’clock the house smelled like a farmhouse kitchen and Amanda was putting Jaden into his cot. He stared at her, bleary-eyed and thumb in mouth, then rolled on his side and slept. Amanda’s heart contracted with love. What a good boy he was. He didn’t know his little world was in danger of disappearing forever. Maybe the best thing would be to tell James the baby was Gareth’s, end the relationship and make a go of her marriage, but oh, she wouldn’t be able to live with the lie, she knew she wouldn’t.
James arrived at ten past and hugged her. No smoochy kiss today, no grabbing her the second the front door was shut. His face was serious as he followed her into the kitchen. Heart thumping, she poured coffee for them both and passed him a plate with a chunk of still-warm apple cake. And what were they doing, sitting here playing happy families when they should be discussing their future – and the baby’s future? She looked at him miserably.
‘Chin up,’ he said. ‘I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I’ve come up with the perfect plan. Two words: you decide. If you want me to stick around and play daddy, I will. If you want me to disappear, I’ll do that too. My only proviso is, if I’m going to be paying out hard cash, we do a paternity test.’
The moist apple cake turned dry as dust in Amanda’s mouth. So he would do the decent thing if pushed, otherwise he’d let her – and the baby that was almost certainly his – go. Wasn’t that telling her something? And he’d said nothing about moving in together; that was significant too. And she still didn’t know how many girlfriends he had.
He finished his cake and reached for her hand. ‘I know it’s a lot to decide, but we don’t need to set it in stone today. I won’t leave you in the lurch, don’t worry – unless you want to be left in the lurch. But that would break my heart.’
He grinned at her, the old sarcastic grin, and Amanda melted. She could never resist him when he was like this. Five minutes later they were in bed together.
And ten minutes later she heard Gareth’s key in the door.
Chapter Five
Friday 16th May
Ella couldn’t settle to anything. It was her day off and normally she’d have had a quick blitz round the house to get it ready for the weekend, or started preparations for any dinner guests they’d invited. But the only visitor they were expecting today was Soraya, and the preparations were complete – weren’t they? She opened the fridge yet again.
Soraya’s favourite lime cordial – check. Victoria sponge – check, and the vanilla ice cream to go with it was in the freezer. Chocolate digestives in the cupboard – check.
‘You’ll send her home sick as a dog,’ Rick said the night before, when Ella told him the proposed afternoon tea menu.
‘I won’t. And her first visit’s an occasion. We must have something special and Mel said these were her favourites.’
Ella laid out the new plastic place mats she’d bought. It was starting to become real, this thought that Soraya could become their daughter. Liz had put the match in for approval by the adoption panel, and until this came through Soraya would continue to know them as her ‘visitors’. They had seen her twice in her foster home now, and there was no reason to think the panel would reject their application; as Liz said, it was a match made in heaven. The anticipation of motherhood was the sharpest pleasure Ella had ever experienced. It was so special, so exciting – did women who were pregnant feel the same way? She turned back to the clock for the zillionth time. Soon, soon, Soraya would be here.
They knew more about the little girl’s history now and it had made Ella cry. The mother was a heroin addict, and although she remained clean for most of the pregnancy she’d made some very poor choices afterwards, and Soraya’s grandmother was given custody. Unfortunately, the older woman’s partner hadn’t tolerated the presence of a baby, and Soraya was put in the first of her foster homes well before her first birthday. Ella felt ill just thinking about it. Poor Soraya had never been in a stable home for longer than a few months at a time; she would never have learned to love and trust. Changing that wouldn’t be easy, and what it all meant for the little girl’s development was something they still had to find out.
The landline in the hall trilled out and Ella hurried through. Surely Rick wasn’t going to be late… But no, it was her mother. ‘Hi, Mum, how’s the Yorkshire air?’
‘Funny you should ask that, darling – we’re about to swap it for some Western Isles air. One of those last minute trips. We’re leaving tomorrow morning.’
Ella grinned to herself. Retirement had given her parents a new lease of life – it was here, there and everywhere nowadays. And quite right too. ‘Sounds good. Which island are you going to?’
‘Taransay and Lewis, then we’re coming home via Aberdeen to give us the chance to catch up with Rowena for a few days. Nothing’ll happen about the adoption while we’re away, will it? Mobile reception might be a bit dicey in the Hebrides.’
‘Liz is hoping for a favourable report from the adoption panel next week, but we’ll still be doing visits for a while. Soraya’s coming this afternoon. Mum, it’s so amazing!’
‘I can’t wait to meet her and I’ll cross my fingers very hard it all works out quickly for you. Have a fabulous time.’
Ella put the phone down feeling warmed, but irritation flooded through her when she saw the time – quarter to two already. Rick should have been here fifteen minutes ago. He had grumbled about the visit being on a Friday, but Soraya was going away for the weekend with her foster family. School had broken up for half-term yesterday, so this was the ideal day.
Determinedly not thinking about Rick’s lateness, Ella wandered outside. The kitchen door at the side of the house led out to a generous garden – plenty of room here to put up a swing set or a net for badminton. A Wendy house? It was an idea, but maybe the best thing was to wait until the adoption was approved, and then include Soraya in the new plans. Ella pictured them going to the garden centre to choose a swing; a family of three, and oh, she had waited so long for this. They could grow veg, too – nothing like carrots straight from the garden to encourage kids to eat their five a day. Ella smiled, then grimaced. For all she knew, Soraya could be the biggest veggie-fan on the planet. There was so much they didn’t know about her.
Ella slumped as the shivery anticipation gave way to a wave of something like depression, the first since they’d met Soraya. The child was six. Six years of life they knew little about – could they really hope to balance out the effects of all those foster homes, not to mention whatever had gone on in the first months of Soraya’s life? The prospect was suddenly daunting. Soraya would always remember she’d had a life before meeting them. But then, this very fact gave them the chance to talk to her about it in a way she’d understand. Mummy and Daddy had so, so wanted a child, and then they’d seen Soraya and paff! – they’d known straightaway that she was their little girl.
Ella hesitated, staring at two blue butterflies flitting around the flower border. It was all very well saying ‘they’ all the time, but in actual fact she was the one who had fallen in love. If she hadn’t pushed, Rick would never have considered Soraya. If she hadn’t pushed he might well have been content to stay childless.
Young voices floated into the garden from the street and Ella saw a group of mums and kids, on their way to the beach, probably. Anticipation flooded back. Of course she would cope with whatever Soraya might fling at her – that was what parents did, wasn’t it? And Rick would cope too.
Of course he would.
Chapter Six
Friday 16th May
Amanda clapped her hand over James’ mouth and the
y both froze. This was like a bad film, she thought wildly, this should not be happening. What the shit was Gareth doing home at this time? Her heart was hammering in her chest and it had nothing to do with James’ proximity.
James slid out of bed and grabbed his jeans, stumbling in his hurry to get into them.
‘Go downstairs!’ he hissed. ‘Keep him in the kitchen!’
Amanda fumbled into her bathrobe. Gareth hadn’t called out to her; he would know it was Jaden’s nap time. She could hear him in the living room below; he was going through to the kitchen now and the coffee mugs and plates were still on the table. The mugs would still be warm… And James’ Peugeot was in the driveway, blocking the entrance to the garage.
Gareth was back in the hallway, no, no – what was she going to say to him?
She thrust bare feet into her slippers and ran from the room. Gareth was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up, and the expression on his face... she had never seen it before.
‘What’s going on, Amanda?’
His voice was quiet and Amanda clutched the bathrobe round her neck. It must be perfectly obvious what was going on.
‘Julie was here for lunch, but I had a bit of a headache so I went for a lie down when she left.’ It didn’t sound convincing even in her own ears. She started down the stairs, holding on to the banister as if it would protect her from whatever was going to happen. ‘I’m fine now. Let’s have coffee – there’s still plenty of cake.’
He didn’t budge from his position on the bottom stair. His eyes met hers, staring coldly.
‘That isn’t Julie’s car outside.’
There was a creak from the bedroom, and Amanda suppressed a groan. James had stood on the loose board by the door. That was it then. Her gut cramped; her knees were knocking together and her thighs hurt.
