by Linda Huber
Rick leapt to his feet. ‘Will you stop nagging! It’s intolerable. As if it’s important how the shed floor looks.’
Astounded, Ella tried to speak calmly. ‘It’s not important, but someone might trip on an uneven bit and fall. We have to get it fixed. I’ll call the plasterers, shall I?’
‘No, you damn well won’t. And I mean that, Ella. The wood’ll go back down on top of the concrete. Keep your nose out of it.’ He gave a sudden hysterical guffaw, then strode through to the kitchen.
Ella heard the glug glug glug as he poured another whisky.
Standing at the school gate the next morning, watching Soraya run across the playground to a little group of children, Ella felt the tightness in her jaw relax. Woo hoo, she had six lovely solitary hours. That should be time to recover her sense of self after Rick’s attack yesterday. She’d wondered about keeping Soraya off school to make sure the girl was back to normal after the first big squabble of the adoption, but decided against it. If Soraya looked for a day off school every time they disagreed about something, they’d end up in big trouble.
A visit to the sauna and a salad lunch with her friend Lindsay left Ella feeling like a new woman and vowing to do this feel-good stuff more often. She should make the most of her child-free hours; the school hols started in three weeks. And here she was, thinking like a mother who hadn’t had half a minute to herself for years – how things changed. Grinning, Ella scrabbled for her phone as it rang. It was Amanda.
‘Hey, Ella. Why don’t you and Soraya come in for a coffee on your way home from school this afternoon? Jaden would love that too.’
Ella agreed, hoping that Soraya would have found her usual sunshiny self by that time.
Later that afternoon she joined the group of waiting mothers at the school gates, trepidation making her gut twist. Maybe she should have told Soraya’s teacher about the upset. But it was only a row… and hallelujah, here was her daughter with a beam stretching from New York to Moscow.
‘Mummy, look! I got a gold star for my nature drawing!’ She thrust a worksheet covered in gaudy turquoise and orange butterflies under Ella’s nose.
Tears of joy welled up in Ella’s eyes. This was the first time Soraya had called her ‘Mummy’. The little girl had dropped ‘Ella’ and ‘Rick’, but she had never used the word Ella had been dying to hear. Until now.
‘Wow, clever you! Just like the ones in the garden, huh?’
Amanda had posh baker’s shop Florentines waiting for the grown-ups, and banana yoghurt for the children. Ella sipped her coffee, wondering if she should ask more about Amanda’s husband, but with Soraya there she didn’t like to. Amanda kept the conversation very general all the time they were there, and Ella gave up on the idea of a more personal talk. At the end of the visit Amanda accompanied them down to the street, Jaden on one hip.
‘I’m so grateful you could take him while I was ill,’ she said. ‘I’ll keep Soraya for you sometime too. You’d like to visit Jaden sometime, wouldn’t you, sweetie?’
‘Oh yes!’ Soraya danced up the road, turning to wave to Jaden before tearing round the corner.
Ella pulled a face at Amanda. ‘She’s as good as a gym membership,’ she said, sliding into a slow jog uphill. It wasn’t until she was almost home that an odd thought crossed Ella’s mind. Did Amanda know about the adoption? No, she decided. They’d never spoken about it. Apart from the time Amanda told them about her husband, the conversation had always been superficial, like this afternoon. Which seemed a little… unusual. But then Amanda had a lot to cope with at the moment.
And there was enough to worry about at home, anyway, because quite possibly Rick’s bad temper now was because they were adopting a little girl and not a baby boy… Ella felt her shoulders slump. Looked at like that, Rick’s moodiness was all her fault.
Chapter Seven
Wednesday 25th June
Rick drove home through rain-spattered streets, the bleakness of the weather matching his mood. Everything, but everything that could possibly go wrong, was doing exactly that. What could he do to get his life back to normal? Not that ‘normal’ existed any more. The arrival of Soraya had changed things to ‘new normal’, and that had been all right, as long as the Amanda situation was under control. But with Amanda two minutes down the road and best girlfriends with Ella, and Soraya yakking on and on about how cute Jaden was, Rick felt as if Gareth’s wife was taking over his life. What the hell was she up to? The way he’d treated her, she might be getting ready to blackmail him for every penny he had. He’d have to talk to her, but supposing he lost his temper? That would show her clearly she had the power – and she did have the power. He should have stuck by her… But if he’d done that he’d have endangered the adoption and it would be Ella after his blood now. He couldn’t win. But then, why he should win? His behaviour had put Gareth under the shed.
Rick pulled into the driveway, his mood darkening further at the thought of sitting through another evening with Ella trying to have a meaningful talk. She was suspicious about his job, he could tell, so many remarks recently had been loaded – ironic because work was the one area which was completely normal. There it was again, ‘normal’. Pity he couldn’t organise a business trip, get right away from all the hassle. Being at home was like walking on ice, and the fear in Ella’s eyes as she gaped at him was infuriating.
The cinema, he thought, running the few steps to the front door. He would suggest a family outing to the cinema, a nice fun place where you didn’t need to talk much. Then afterwards he could have a headache and go to bed early.
‘Yes!’ cried Soraya, when he mentioned it. ‘Rosie in my class went to see The Muppets, can we go there, Mummy?’
‘Great idea, but let’s go on Friday. Then you’ll be able to stay up late because there’s no school the next day,’ said Ella, and Rick winced. His wife had turned into supermum. Of course Soraya took the bribe immediately; he didn’t even have an ally now.
‘Right. Let’s play – Monopoly after tea, then,’ he said, forcing a grin for Soraya, who ran for the games box. Monopoly, of course, wasn’t there – how was he supposed to know what games were suitable for six-year-old girls?
‘You two choose a game. Dinner’s in the oven. I’m going for a quick shower,’ said Ella, and Rick was left with his almost-daughter. Which was actually okay because she was busy choosing games so he didn’t have to talk to her. Maybe if he buttered Ella up enough with family games and fun-Daddy, they could have a chat after Soraya was in bed. He could tell her the department had problems they were trying to hide from Alan… yes, that was good. And he could mention Amanda reminded him of an old girlfriend and please keep her away from him. And Soraya was the best thing ever. Then ‘all’ he’d need to do was sort things out with Amanda. It was worth a try, anyway. And some flowers would put Ella in a good mood right at the start…
He tapped Soraya’s shoulder. ‘Let’s pop down to the shops and buy Mummy a surprise.’
He scribbled ‘Gone for petrol with S’ on the shopping pad and left it on the table, and followed Soraya to the car. The rain had slackened off, and Rick drove on automatic pilot, down towards the town centre and on along the main road. Soraya was quiet in the back, staring between houses to the sea, grey and surging today.
‘Where are we going?’ she asked after a while, and Rick jumped. He glared out of the window. They were passing the road down to Carbis Bay station, right out of St Ives. Where were they going?
‘There’s, um, a good shop further along here,’ he said. They came to the A30 and Rick put his foot down.
‘Oooh!’ cried Soraya. ‘Go faster!’
‘Be quiet, please. I have to concentrate to, um, find the place,’ said Rick.
What was he doing here? He was running away, that was what, he was running away from an intolerable situation, taking with him one of the people who was making it intolerable… and he knew no matter fast he went, he’d never get away. There was no escaping the shed and what lay b
eneath it.
Gareth’s dead face flashed in front of Rick’s eyes. It had done that a lot this week; ever since he’d made such a pig’s ear of laying the stupid concrete. On Monday evening he’d tried – and failed – to remove it. Unless he got someone with a heavy machine in to dig the grey rectangle out again, the concrete was there for keeps.
As was he. He’d lain awake every night that week trying to plan, but it always came back to the same thing. He was stuck with the shed forever; doomed to living the rest of his life with Gareth and his terrible eyes mouldering in the garden. He could never sell the house… But would he and Ella be able to mend their marriage, the marriage that was now so wrecked he didn’t know – let’s be honest here – he didn’t know if he wanted to mend it? He didn’t know if he wanted Amanda either, and even if he did they could hardly live in a house with Gareth under the shed. But if he and Ella split up, he would need to sell the house. There was no way out that he could see.
His mobile buzzed in his pocket. No prizes for guessing who that would be. Dinner was in the oven and neither he nor Soraya were there to eat it. Rick counted rings until they stopped. Ella would be leaving a message now; it would be interesting to hear what tone she took. Aggrieved, concerned, afraid? But any fear would be for Soraya. They should never have started this adoption.
Bugger, they were coming to a tailback. This was the wrong time of day to practise the great escape. Rick slowed down and glanced at the child in the back.
‘Are we nearly there?’ Her lower lip was trembling.
Abruptly, Rick came to his senses. Christ. He’d yelled at her on Sunday and today he was kidnapping her. Whatever he had to do to make things right, it wasn’t this. He would turn at the roundabout and go back.
‘Two more minutes. There’s a petrol station and a nice shop. You can choose something for Mummy while I answer my phone,’ he said, hearing her sigh of relief.
Soraya was happy wandering round the collection of filling-station tat, and Rick stood in the doorway and listened to Ella’s message. It was very short; her voice surprised in a ‘what are you doing, you silly boy’ tone. With an effort, Rick swallowed his ire and pulled up Ella’s number.
‘Sorry, love – we had a good idea for a surprise for you but it’s been a bit tricky finding exactly what Soraya wanted,’ he said, making his voice warm and amused. ‘I hope dinner isn’t completely ruined?’
Rick heard the disguised annoyance in her voice when she assured him that dinner wasn’t a problem, as long as they were both all right. He rang off to find Soraya had chosen a weather house in the shape of a lighthouse. The little girl was one big beam, and unexpected tears shot into Rick’s eyes. Poor kiddie – so happy to have found a lovely present for her mum… and Ella would be happy too. If only he felt the same way.
He drove home as quickly as he could, Soraya silent in the back. Maybe she sensed this outing of theirs wasn’t quite right, that he had used it – and her – to do something odd. But if he was lucky, and careful for the rest of the evening, he might yet be able to turn it to his advantage. He needed Ella on his side.
Soraya ran into the kitchen with the weather house and presented it to Ella, her face shining. Rick met Ella’s eyes over the little girl’s head and mouthed ‘Sorry,’ then said, ‘Hope you like it, Mummy, we had to go a long way to find it, didn’t we, honey?’
Soraya didn’t notice this remark was meant for her, so intent was she on showing Ella how the little man came out when it was raining and the lady when the sun shone. Rick saw tears in Ella’s eyes when she kissed Soraya and put the weather house on the shelf by the door. So far, so good.
He was careful to chat about this and that during the meal, after which they all played Mousetrap, which in Rick’s opinion hadn’t improved in the twenty-odd years since his last game. In spite of his sombre mood he managed to play the part of devoted daddy; well done, Rick, he thought, you’ve turned a very rocky start into something halfway successful. Hopefully the talk with Ella would go equally well.
But of course, it didn’t. Ella was still furious that he’d upped and offed with Soraya – or at least she was furious he’d turned the supposed petrol purchase into a longer outing without telling her. She was treating him like a schoolboy. Rick could see the worry in her head and it was all for this child she had chosen, but – he needed to be loved too. With Gareth under the shed he needed someone there for him. He gaped at her wordlessly, which only infuriated her more.
‘Rick, with Soraya involved we have to communicate stuff like that a whole lot better. Promise me.’
‘I’m sorry. It was a spontaneous thing,’ he said, trying to look wretched. If she felt sorry for him it might make things easier.
She sniffed. ‘All I want is for us to grow together as a family. I know this isn’t what you planned at first, but Soraya’s a lovely child and we need to do our best for her. And Rick, I don’t know what’s happening in your job, but it feels like you’re hiding something big.’
He sat twirling his whisky glass, watching the oily, amber liquid swirl round, wishing he was a million miles away from the accusations, and unable to get out of his chair. Just get her back on side, Rick.
‘The job thing’s – complicated, but I promise it’ll be okay. And you have to admit things haven’t been easy with the adoption. We all need time to adjust.’
‘But what’s been so difficult? Of course we need time but we have it. At the weekend – I – I saw you looking at Jaden as if you were wishing he was yours and not Soraya.’
Rick balked. She was putting words into his mouth now. And she was wrong because he didn’t wish he was Jaden’s father – or Soraya’s for that matter.
The words came tumbling out. ‘Oh, forget it, I know whose kid Jaden is. What I don’t know is if I can ever feel like family with Soraya. She’s so – awkward. I know I said I was happy to have her but that was - ’
That was because he’d been so bloody guilty about having an affair.
‘That was before I realised I don’t want her, Ella. I don’t want her.’ The whisky glass slid through his fingers and cracked on the wooden floor. Glenmorangie oozed between the boards, glinting on shards of Edinburgh crystal.
The sound of feet scampering upstairs broke the silence that followed. Ella’s eyes were appalled as she stared at Rick, but all he felt now was fury that his life was so totally out of control. He had fucked up and no mistake.
And Soraya had heard every word.
Chapter Eight
Saturday 28th June
‘Me and Mummy went to the cinema last night. We had a huge bag of popcorn and chocolate cornets too.’
‘Lovely. What film was it?’
Amanda listened as Soraya chattered on. They were in her kitchen, where she was making macaroni cheese and the children were sitting at the table with crayons and paper. Amanda’s heart melted when she glanced up from grating cheese. Jaden’s little face was beaming; he loved having Soraya here.
‘Daddy didn’t come because he was working but I think he was just cross,’ said Soraya, coming to hover at Amanda’s elbow.
Left alone, Jaden screamed in his highchair, and Amanda lifted him to the floor. ‘Why don’t you two go through to the living room while I get this in the oven, and then we’ll play together.’
The children ran off, Jaden clutching Soraya’s hand, and silence fell in the kitchen. Amanda smiled. Her plan to get involved with James’ – Rick’s – family was coming along very nicely. Ella’d called at lunchtime yesterday, saying she and Rick could use some quality time, and asking if Amanda could take Soraya for an hour or two on Saturday evening. The vision of Ella informing Rick that his ex-mistress would be looking after his daughter was a satisfying one. How did you react to that, Mr Disappearing-Act? she wondered. I hope you’re enjoying your date night. Needing quality time sounded as if there was trouble in Rick’s marriage, and serve him right too. And best of all, according to Ella they would pick Soraya up on their way home
. Both of them. That was a situation waiting for a good idea Amanda hadn’t had yet. She slid her dish into the oven and closed the door with a satisfying bang. What was Rick doing now, out with his wife in a nice restaurant? Depressed, Amanda sank down on the chair Soraya had vacated.
They’d destroyed each other, she and James – Rick. She had to get used to thinking about him with his real name; using a stupid alias made it feel like play-acting, and they’d done enough of that. Remembering the lies she’d told the police still made Amanda feel queasy. The affair had doomed her already shaky marriage, and now it seemed Rick’s was in trouble too. Serve him right.
Amanda stirred uncomfortably. Three children as well as three adults were involved here, and they were all going to get hurt unless she planned something very, very clever. Or rather, some of them were going to get hurt no matter what happened. All she could do was make sure her own kids stayed safe.
The macaroni cheese went down well with both children, and Amanda allowed Soraya to help bath Jaden, which ended up being a lot messier than usual but a lot more fun too. She parked the little girl in front of the television while she put Jaden down – he fell asleep in minutes, tired out by his visit. Soraya should come more often, thought Amanda, closing the bedroom door.
‘What can we do now? I don’t want to watch TV,’ said Soraya, bouncing up and down on the sofa.
Amanda gazed round for inspiration. All she wanted to do was blob. Heaven help her if her own two were as exhausting as Jaden and Soraya. Her jewellery box was still on the bookshelf, and she lifted it and plumped down beside the little girl. Soraya was intrigued, and they spent a pleasant half hour trying on bracelets and chains. Amanda found herself hoping the baby would be a girl. This was fun, a nice girly time.
