“Move your leg just a little.”
“Stand up now,” the nurse said. “You’ve got to lie down for a while.”
He stood up. Then she started to lead him out of the kitchen. He looked back and saw his arm lying on the floor. In his hand was a fistful of his mother’s hair.
She took him back to his bed and helped him stretch out. His eyes were getting heavy, and his body felt as if it were floating away from his head. It was happening again. He was losing all of it. And just when he was getting it all back.
“I…tried,” he said.
“It’s all right,” the nurse said. “You’ll try again. This is expected.”
“Can you sew my arm back?” he asked, but he didn’t hear her response. The darkness was flooding in too fast, roaring like ocean waves, drowning out the light and any other sounds. Then, it suddenly became peaceful and still.
He could hear voices very far off, tiny telephone voices like when the receiver is on the table and you’re standing a few feet away.
“What happened?” he heard his father ask.
“He got up all right and got dressed and even started eating breakfast.”
“And?”
“He asked questions about himself.”
“Like what?”
“His age, his name, and then suddenly he started with that business of not being able to let go. I had to give him a sedative. It was getting out of hand. Why were you late?”
“I ran into a problem. There’s been a breakdown. All right, we’ll wait until he wakes. These reoccurrences are expected. It’s very similar to someone who has taken LSD and suffers from hallucinations. Months later, the hallucinations can reoccur anytime, anywhere. I told you about the man who thought he was no bigger than an ant. One day they found him clinging to a lamppost because he was terrified of being stepped on.”
“I know, but these reoccurrences are always more frequent when you try to cut the dosage.”
“I’ve got to cut the dosage if he’s ever going to have any practical use.”
“So, why use him?”
“I want to use him.”
“That’s revenge talking. You’re not being rational, Doctor.”
“Skip the comments. Let me know when he regains consciousness.”
“You’re still taking him out?”
“If I can,” his father said.
When Justine entered the building, she felt as if today were the first day she had attended this school instead of yesterday. As Lois had promised, she and Justine took advantage of every opportunity they had to converse with one another without the others listening in. They walked together in the halls; they went into the bathroom together, and they sat together at lunch. Although at lunch, Janet, Stacy, and Martha sat with them, so it was impossible for them to talk freely.
Lois repeated her warning that Justine should try to behave like the others and not be unfriendly toward them. However, for Justine the task grew more and more difficult as the day wore on. For one thing, she couldn’t tolerate their pompous criticism of other students—students she liked. She was even frustrated by Lois. She wanted Bonny Joseph to join her and Lois, but Lois refused to permit it.
“I’ve never been friendly with her, and I can’t just become friendly with her now.”
“You’re making me nuts with this paranoia,” Justine said. “What can they do to us?”
“I’m not sure,” Lois said sadly. “I told you—I don’t know everything.”
“So, screw them,” Justine said angrily.
“You’re going to be sorry,” Lois told her. “I just know it.” But Justine’s sense of emancipation continued to develop until Lois spoke with a sense of desperation.
“I’m not afraid of these nerds,” Justine finally responded. She had regained most of her former spunkiness and self-confidence.
“It’s not them,” Lois said, “not exactly. We’ll talk more after school, okay?”
“I’m going for a ride with Tad after school,” Justine revealed. “He asked me in class.”
Lois’s eyes bulged with exclamation. “No! You can’t! We would never go with him. He’s not from Elysian Fields.”
“So? That’s stupid. Why hang around only with kids from Elysian Fields?”
“Look at them. Do they hang around with any others?”
Justine thought about it. It was true. The kids from Elysian Fields sat beside one another in class, walked with one another in the halls, sat with one another in the cafeteria, belonged to the same clubs or teams. As she watched them walk and talk to one another throughout the day, she noted how they did avoid and ignore the other students. It was as though everyone else in the school were invisible.
“I’m not going to be like that,” she told Lois.
“And then they’ll know you’re not taking your vitamins.”
“I took the vitamins and I wasn’t like that,” Justine responded. “Right?” She wasn’t sure now, recognizing the vulnerability of her own memory.
“That’s because you haven’t had your session with Dr. Lawrence. Once you do—”
“I don’t care. If I don’t want to take the vitamins, I won’t. I’m going to tell my parents so. I don’t see the point in hiding everything.”
“But you told me yourself how different they were today. Don’t you see? They won’t be on your side. If they think something’s wrong with you, they’ll involve Dr. Lawrence faster before you and I have a chance to…to learn what’s happening. Something’s not right. We’ve got to get help, but we can’t let on what we know. Not yet. Please,” she pleaded.
Justine acquiesced, agreeing not to go for a ride with Tad Donald, but only because Lois promised to move up the timetable and take her to spy on Dr. Lawrence’s son.
“You’ll tell your mother you’re coming to my house to study, and I’ll tell mine I’m going to yours. We’ll meet in front of your house at seven. Of course,” Lois said, “it might be wiser for us to wait until tomorrow night, like I originally planned. Our parents will be going to the meeting.”
“Another meeting? What do they do at those meetings?”
“I don’t know exactly, but that’s something else we’re going to have to find out,” Lois said. “I know that when they return, they criticize me more and add more rules and restrictions. The only thing is, everyone has the same restrictions.”
“Like what?”
“Curfews, places we can’t go, things we can’t wear, people we can’t see. You name it, it’s on the list. But I never seemed to notice it or care until I stopped taking the vitamins. The others never complain.”
Justine nodded. Lois’s observations were beginning to sound frightening.
After school, at Lois’s insistence, she did go with her to the newspaper club meeting, even though she hated every minute of it. But they had to walk back to Elysian Fields with Brad and Janet.
Although Justine didn’t contribute much to the conversation because it revolved around the newspaper, Lois was loquacious enough for both of them. Justine noted Lois’s sense of desperation, her energy and eagerness to sound and act like the others. She couldn’t help feeling Lois knew something else, something more that put all this fear of discovery into her. Justine concluded it had to have something to do with Dr. Lawrence’s son.
Janet was the first to part company, since her house came up first. When they reached the Wilsons’ house and Lois left them at the top of the hill, she gave Justine a look of warning and nodded at Brad.
Justine mouthed a “Don’t worry.” She was sure she would have no problem handling him. She knew he had a crush on her. Throughout the school day, he had taken advantage of every opportunity to talk to her or be near her. She sensed how jealous and annoyed he was whenever she spoke to Tad.
“So how do you like your classes so far?” Brad asked as they continued walking toward home.
“They’re all right,” she replied and quickly wondered whether that was enthusiastic enough. Lois had made he
r paranoid, she concluded. This was ridiculous.
“Was I right about Mr. Spiegel?”
She had forgotten what he had told her about him.
“Oh, yes,” she said. He seemed pleased. She looked back. None of the other teenagers and kids from Elysian Fields were outside. There were no younger kids riding their bikes or skate boards, and no older kids just hanging out. All the kids had been sucked up into their homes so quickly, it made her think of vacuum cleaners. She sensed an absence of spontaneity. Each kid rushed home to start on his or her homework or help with the household chores. Where was the individuality here?
Brad walked along quietly for a while, a soft, thoughtful smile frozen on his face. He had that same far-off look in his eyes she had noticed in the eyes of the others whenever they were quiet. It made her wonder about Lois’s fears. Why was she so afraid they’d sense that something was amiss? They all looked too preoccupied with their own thoughts, their own activities. They were just nerdy teenagers, that’s all, she concluded. She couldn’t imagine being afraid of them. Why, if Mindy were here…
Mindy, she thought. She should call her this afternoon and find out what was new.
“Do you like living here?” Brad asked. She realized he was struggling to make conversation. Despite his age and his good looks, he was as awkward around girls as a twelve-year-old. She thought about loosening him up again, having some fun.
“It’s nice,” she said, “but some of the kids are unreal.”
“Unreal?”
“Yeah. You know—nerdy.”
The smile left his face. “They’re not nerdy,” he said. “They’re just trying to do the right things. Dr. Lawrence says the world today is different, more dangerous than it was when he was my age. There are so many things out there that can destroy you…people, drugs, violence. You’ve got to be on guard, make yourself strong…physically, mentally. Why defeat yourself? That’s what you do when you don’t try your best.”
She was nearly overwhelmed by his outburst. His face was flushed with the effort.
“You sound like some kind of a preacher,” she said.
“Me?” He laughed nervously.
“You don’t think so?”
“No.”
“Well, I think so.” Lois would probably become hysterical if she heard and saw me do this, she thought, but she decided to continue. “Tell me you drink booze.”
“I…I’ve had it, but I don’t drink.”
“And you’ve never done pot, right?”
“I didn’t say never. I just don’t do it now,” he said, growing angry. Was this what Lois meant by riling up the other kids? Make them admit that they were normal, that they had normal desires and made the same mistakes? They all acted as if they were so perfect. Nerds. She didn’t want to stop now. She wanted to continue to explore, to test.
“Never want to, never get the urge?”
“No,” he said, and then he turned to look up. She saw that he was gazing at Dr. Lawrence’s house.
“Why do you like Dr. Lawrence so much?”
“Why?” He smiled at her as though her question were childish. “Because he’s a great guy. You can trust him,” he said, growing serious.
“More than you can trust your parents?”
“Of course,” he said. “A lot more.” He was so intense now that she couldn’t look away. Her heart was beating quickly. She looked back to be sure no one else was watching them. Maybe she could find out more, especially about Dr. Lawrence, so that when Lois and she met later…
“You want to come over for a while?” she asked.
The question took him by complete surprise. “Huh?”
“Listen to some music, talk.”
He looked back at his house.
“Go tell your mother,” she said, anticipating his problem.
“I don’t know. I…”
“Don’t you like me?” she asked, pursing her lips in a pout.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Good,” she said, “because I think I could like you.” She let her books slip, and he picked them up quickly. When he handed them to her, she squeezed his hand. “Thanks. So come over,” she repeated. As she took her books from him, she leaned forward so the tip of her breast grazed his knuckles.
He pulled his right hand back as if he had placed it on a hot electric burner.
“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to…”
“That’s all right,” she whispered. “I liked it. Didn’t you?”
She stared into his eyes and saw the struggle in his face.
He looked up at Dr. Lawrence’s house again, then back at her. “I gotta go,” he said. “I gotta do my homework.”
“What?”
“I gotta go,” he repeated. He turned and hurried to his front door. He looked back at her once, then rushed inside.
“Jesus,” she said. She vaguely remembered him running from her the day she had gotten into her bikini to go with him to the pool. Only that seemed ages ago. What was wrong with him? She made a mental note to ask Lois about him later. Maybe she had had a similar experience with him. Now that she thought about it, none of the boys in Elysian Fields were aggressive when it came to girls. Maybe they were all homosexuals, she mused, laughing at the idea. Maybe the vitamins turned them into homosexuals.
Later that afternoon, just before dinner, Christy Duke called her mother to tell her about the excitement at their house.
When Justine came in to help with the dishes, she heard the tail end of the phone conversation. Her mother kept saying, “Oh, no, how terrible. Oh, no.”
“What happened?” she asked after her mother cradled the receiver.
“Brad had an accident with the car,” her mother said. “I feel so sorry for Christy. She’s a wreck. They just got back from the hospital emergency room. Poor thing. I’ll have to go over later and comfort her.”
“He cracked the car up?”
“Cracked it up?” Her mother turned to face her, a confused expression on her face. “Oh. No, not that serious, thank God. He burned his right hand while working on the engine. The doctor said it was burned so badly, it couldn’t have been worse had he held his hand against the hot engine block.
“Imagine that?” she said, then went back to her work.
And suddenly, Justine understood why Lois felt such intense fear.
8
Lois wasn’t waiting in front of the house, and Justine was nearly ten minutes late. She had called Mindy and talked longer than she’d planned. Mindy was a lot friendlier, telling her she sounded more like her old self and not like a stuck-up rich kid. After they’d hung up, Justine had hurriedly explained to her mother that she was going to Lois’s house to study, and slipped out the door.
But the street was as quiet and as deserted as ever. What’s more, the bright lights illuminated the road all the way down to the top of the hill, so she could see that Lois wasn’t on her way, either.
She debated going back inside to call her. Of course, her parents would want to know why she was calling her friend if she was on her way to her house, anyway. And it might make Lois’s parents suspicious, too. If she was late, it had to be for a good reason, Justine thought as she backed into the shadows of the hedge.
At least she wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a warm night, even though there were low clouds blocking out the half moon and stars. But she had to stay out of sight.
The pervasive quiet amazed and unnerved her. There wasn’t a moving car or a strolling person in sight. Windows glowed, as though lit by stage lights, but she saw no one move behind them. It was as if the houses were only shells, facades, and no one really lived inside.
The only sound she heard was the heavy hum of those streetlights. They were so bright, she couldn’t look directly up at them. Funny, she thought, that humming sound had never bothered her so much. Why didn’t other people complain? It was such a monotonous and intruding noise. It couldn’t be that others didn’t notice it. Perhaps they were willing to put u
p with it because of the great illumination the lights provided.
Suddenly she heard something off to the right of her house. She stared at the pitch-black darkness there, for the streetlights did not intrude upon the shadows that lingered around the homes. Their rays were directed with precision, cutting a sharp corridor of light along the streets.
She thought she saw a shadow move. It was hunched over like a stalking animal. Could Lois have snuck up to her house, afraid she would be seen coming here? Justine wondered. Nothing would surprise her, anymore. She moved in that direction, trying to get another glimpse of the shadow.
“Lois?” she called softly. “Is that you?”
There was no response. The shadow seemed to merge with the darkness and disappear. Perhaps it was just her overworked imagination, she thought. Damn this delay. Maybe Lois had decided to back out of their plan. Sure, she thought. She just wanted to keep me from Tad. Maybe she likes him herself after all, she thought suspiciously.
There was only one thing to do—go to Lois’s house, just as she’d told her mother she was going to do. If Mrs. Wilson seemed suspicious, she would just say it was a mix-up, her fault. Anything was better than waiting in the dark, wondering what had happened to her friend.
She started down the hill. It wasn’t until she was nearly halfway to Lois’s house that she saw the black Cadillac parked in front of it. So that was it, she thought. Dr. Lawrence was visiting the Wilsons. That was why Lois couldn’t leave. What should she do now? She couldn’t go home and tell her parents she and Lois were unable to study because Dr. Lawrence was there. The only thing to do was to wait for him to go, then see if Lois would come out.
She stepped off the road under a large oak tree and backed into the shadows. Once again, she heard a scuffling noise off to her right, and turned quickly to see a shapely shadow slide along the perimeter of light. Was it a dog? A deer? Could it be one of the other kids playing some kind of a joke on her? she wondered. Somehow, she didn’t think them capable of practical jokes.
“Who’s out there?” she called in a loud whisper. There was no response.
Then her attention was seized by the sound of the door opening at the Wilsons’ house. She saw Dr. Lawrence step out, talking to Lois’s parents in the doorway. He put his arm around Mrs. Wilson as if to console her, and then he shook Mr. Wilson’s hand and went to his car. Justine hid behind the tree, watching as he drove up the hill toward his home. Then she waited outside Lois’s house.
Perfect Little Angels Page 14
