“Hmmm. I just wish I knew she was safe,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me everything you were doing so I wouldn’t have been so crazy scared and worried that you guys were inept or something?”
“Inept? Are you kidding? We didn’t want you guys tipping off the terrorists that we were there watching and protecting you. It only takes one slip of the tongue to blow an operation like this…Now, go to bed and sleep tight.”
“You have to realize,” I said, “that all I could see was how vulnerable we appeared and how alone I felt.”
“I had no idea. Why didn’t you just believe me?”
“I guess I’m not the believing type. I have to see to believe.” The knowledge that I was this way hit me like a rock. I had always thought of myself as faithful; I didn’t have to see to believe. Had I been wrong about myself this whole time? Jeremy didn’t respond. He only rushed me back into my room.
After a while of mulling over the information from Jeremy, I fell into a fitful sleep. When I woke up, the edges of the curtains were illuminated with bright light. I couldn’t believe my eyes. How long had I slept? It was one? The clock had to be wrong. I yawned and climbed out of bed. The carpet felt good on my feet.
As I passed Jeremy’s room, he came out at that instant and met me again.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“Very,” I said. The smell of chips and bread called to me.
I guess we had all slept late. A bunch of people sat eating at the table with the notable exception of Summer and her agent. Rick stood up when he saw me.
“You want me to get you something to eat?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “I’ll get it myself. You finish eating.”
The spread of food on the counter looked amazing. Yum.
“How did you sleep?” Rick asked, as I sat beside him, laying my sandwich and drink on the long wooden table.
“Okay. How about you?” I said, looking at the people across the table from us.
“Bad. I think I woke up a million times. I finally just got out of bed. I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
I turned to look at him, and his blue eyes shined in the light coming from the windows. He didn’t look tired at all. I took a deep breath. He made me feel better in this scary house.
“Yeah. After I’d finally slept some, I woke up all startled by the bright sunlight. I feel terrible.” We didn’t look away from each other until we noticed that the room was suddenly silent.
Sam, Rick’s agent, and Jeremy were looking past us toward the stairs, eyes wider than normal. We turned to look, too. Summer stumbled to the table, head bent down, hair all over the place, and she was mumbling to herself like a crazy person—throwing her arms in front of her and then to her sides. Her agent, Mike, held her upper arms, pushing her forward to a seat across from me and down a little, between Jeremy and Sam.
“Sit,” Mike ordered, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.
I stifled a laugh as she sat, anger pulsing from her as she folded her arms on the table and plopped her head down on top of them. Her hair was ratted and sticking up all over the place. Unbelievable! Summer a mess? Never. A large grin spread across my face, and I put my hand over my mouth to hide it. What was wrong with me? Why was I happy about someone else’s suffering? I thought of the mean girls in my high school and how they seemed overjoyed at my misery, and I felt hot lava rise in me.
Mike walked over to the island, where all of the food was laid out and said, “Summer’s feeling a bit out-of-sorts this morning. You want turkey or ham, Summer?”
Everyone looked from Mike to Summer. No answer.
“Turkey it is,” Mike said.
We were all still silent. I was sure everyone was unable to believe that perfectly-put-together Summer was anything but put-together today. No one wanted to miss the drama. Why would she come in here like that? I’d never seen her have a hair out of place, even after having slept in that laundry room after the murder.
We watched as Mike put her sandwich and drink in front of her and sat next to her and said, “There you go, Summer. Eat up. You’ll need your strength for the self-defense class today.”
“Go away!” Summer yelled into her folded arms. Everyone leaned back a bit, shocked.
“It’s your choice, Summer,” Mike said. “But you’ll regret not eating now. There’s nothing else until dinner.”
“My choice?” she yelled, lifting her head. “I don’t seem to have any choices anymore! Ever since that, that….” Her eyes searched the room until they found me. “That,” she said, pointing at me, “had to pull us into this mess. I didn’t see anything, but I’m still here.”
Flames seemed to shoot out of her eyes, and I instinctively leaned further away from her, hoping not to burn.
“I have nothing now! None of my clothes, my makeup. I couldn’t even clean my face yesterday.” Her eyes now bored a hole through me. “Do you know what that does to your skin—to sleep in makeup?” She sneered. “You don’t, do you? Of course not. You stupid backwoods girl.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off her makeup smeared face, her wild hair and her blazing eyes. She was a total mess and yet, she wasn’t ugly, she simply looked like she was posing for a high fashion magazine shoot. Totally unfair—she was beautiful even when she shouldn’t have been.
“Look at the clothes they gave me to wear,” she continued. “I look like… you,” she said, pointing at me again. “This is all your fault.” Her teeth were clamped shut like a vice.
The silence was deafening. Rick grabbed my sweaty hand and held it tight.
All I could do was think that she was right. It was my fault that we were here in the middle of nowhere in this safe house. It was my fault she didn’t have her things, and it was my fault her life was in danger. I swallowed hard, trying not to show any expression. I could feel the heat in my neck and face, and I tried to say I was sorry, but my throat closed up around my words.
Rick leaned into me and said, “This is not your fault.”
He said it loud enough for everyone to hear, and Summer’s vengeance was swift and vicious.
“And you Rick,” Summer hissed. “Sitting by her, probably holding her hand under the table.” She leaned down and looked under the table to verify. “Yep—holding that two-timing b’s hand. She looks soooo innocent, doesn’t she? She even acts the part. But, you know, she made out with Alex at the club last Tuesday and has been sucking face with him ever since. She’s just toying with you.”
Now, my face burned. I tried to sit as still as possible, wishing it all away. Wishing I could disappear, but the spotlight was on me. Summer had made sure of it. My mom had been right. Getting what you wanted never turned out the way you thought it would.
“Yes!” she continued. “She’s been locking lips and all sorts of other stuff with Alex since then. She doesn’t even like you, Rick. She’s into Alex. If you can’t see that, you’re just as stupid as she is. You deserve each other.”
His grip on my hand loosened, and I felt his gaze on me. I had to turn to him. His eyes questioned.
I shook my head, looking him in the eye, wishing I had told him the whole truth before. I’d been caught. The truth was out. My stomach felt like cement had just been poured into it. A part of me wanted to rip Summer’s head off, but the look in Rick’s eyes made me want to cry.
“Is that true?” he tried to whisper only to me, but our audience was too close to miss it.
Justifications filled my mind—all lies. Then shame filled me. I was horrified at the ease the lies had come. All the half-truths I’d told had finally added up and overtaken me. Why hadn’t I been honest in the first place? Lying had never been a part of who I was. What had happened to me?
“It’s not like that,” I said weakly, my head moving side to side. I knew the truth was looking at him through my eyes, and his hand let go of mine. It didn’t all have to be true to make me guilty.
“It is like that!” Summer said, cackling now. “Caught ya!” She cackle
d some more.
I wanted to deny it all, but I couldn’t. Would anyone notice if I crawled under the table? I needed to explain it all to him. He just needed to hear my explanation, and he would understand. I reached for his hand as he moved it away, but he quickly jerked it and turned his whole body away from me.
Summer, smiling, started to eat her sandwich, stifling laughter.
I felt all the agent’s stares as I tapped Rick and said, “Rick, listen.” He didn’t flinch. I tapped harder, “Rick, please.” I felt my voice catch, but he didn’t turn to me.
Being caught was like being punched in the stomach. My throat burned and hot tears pushed their way out. I looked up, trying to fend them off, wrapping my arms around my waist. I wouldn’t be able to stop the bawling that was to come. I was about to lose it in the worst possible way—in front of all these people. I had lost it at home all the time lately—but I was always alone in my room when I did.
I ran to the stairs and heard Jeremy call out to me, “Christy! Christy!” But I kept running until I hit my room and flung myself onto the bed, sobbing.
I felt so very small. My time in Washington, D.C. was almost over, and I hadn’t changed the way I’d imagined at all. I’d wanted to change for the better, and I’d only become worse. I had lost my way and now didn’t know how to find it again. I was still a leper. Only now, I was a deceitful one. Why hadn’t I been honest—totally and completely? I just wanted to fit in and belong. Now that I had felt what it was like to have people like me, I didn’t know if I could live without it.
I felt my bed sink on one side, like someone had sat on it. I jerked up, hoping it was Rick. It was only Jeremy, so I flopped back down on the bed, tears falling freely.
“Hey, Christy,” he said, rubbing my back. “We’re about to start the defense training. What do you say?”
“I’m not going,” I said.
“I’m sorry, but you don’t really have a choice. You must be there.”
“I can’t!” I squeaked. Was he crazy? He was a witness to my humiliation. How could he expect me to join the class?
“You can, Christy. You’re stronger than you think. Summer’s getting cleaned up, and we’ll be starting in about ten. You can clear things up with Rick after the class.”
“He’ll never forgive me,” I said. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Christy, for what it’s worth, I’ve seen him around you. He worships you. He’s not going to let something like this keep him from you. He’s too good a guy—”
“Exactly!”I interrupted, turning over on the bed to glare at him. “He is too good a guy to forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were him.”
“That’s where you’re mistaken. You just need to start acting like the good girl your profile says you are.” He wiped a tear from my cheek, smiling, pressing his lips together and tilting his head to the side.
“I’m not that girl anymore. Haven’t you noticed?”
“You are that girl—plus experience,” he said. “Experience can be painful.”
“No. I’ve turned rotten.”
“Not you,” he said. “How you feel does not dictate who you are. You’ll see, it will all work out. Next time, stay out of Summer’s path. She can be scary.” He chuckled, and I smiled weakly. “Go splash some water on your face and come down to the game room. Be the tough girl I know you are and don’t let her get to you again.” He walked slowly out of the room and shut the door behind him.
What could I do? I had to go down. I had no choice. I would have to face my shame. The cold water burned my eyes, and for a good inch around them, my skin was bright red. How could I go downstairs looking like this? I patted my face dry with a towel, pulled the curtain back and looked out the window at the forest surrounding the house. The naked branches of the trees seemed to shine in the sun next to the dark evergreens. It was like the bare branches were arms waiting to grab me. I shivered. Everything felt wrong here.
I knelt down by my bed and prayed. I asked for forgiveness for all the stupid things I’d done the last two weeks and prayed that I would feel better about myself and have the courage to set things straight with Rick. I said thanks for the chance I’d had to change and for the good parts. I stayed on my knees, my head resting on the bed, letting the comfort I always felt after praying sink in. I felt a warmth cover me, and I promised I wouldn’t act like I had been again. Forgiveness really is golden. I realized I hadn’t been praying like I usually did and decided that was the reason everything was going wrong, now.
“Christy!” Jeremy called. “It’s time.”
I closed my eyes and asked God to give me strength one more time and left my room.
Jeremy, smiling, met me at the bottom of the stairs. Putting his hand on the back of my neck, he led me to the game room, renewed.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Four Special Agents sat on one side of the room. All the furniture that had been expertly placed earlier in the day, was now pushed together behind them, leaving the other half of the room completely open. Rick stood farthest away from where I stood, and Summer stood next to him. We were all about five feet from each other in an almost straight line. The tension in the room was palpable. I took a deep breath, trying to be brave. I tried to catch Rick’s eye, but he only looked straight forward at the agents who looked at all of us.
I took another deep breath telling myself to calm down, and looked at Jeremy, who smiled and nodded. I can do this. I told myself—even alone, I can do this.
“Alright kids,” Sam said. “Let’s get stretched and chat a bit.” Sam’s solid body stood in front of us, leading us in stretches and talking about confidence and places of safety as well as how not to look vulnerable. We practiced walking, our heads up, aware of our surroundings. The agents took turns approaching us from all directions, encouraging us to speak with power. Sam even taught us how to identify places of safety if we were on the run.
Jeremy had us stand up and taught us defensive moves. “Forget a man’s privates,” he said. “He’s expecting it. Go for the nose. Hit up and with the ball of your hand.” He demonstrated in slow motion with Sam a few times and then showed us full force on a dummy. Funny. I was so stressed when I walked into the room, I hadn’t even noticed the four dummies lined up behind us. We practiced on the dummies and the agents tried to take us by surprise and had us practice what we had learned. My favorite move was twisting out of the grip of someone who grabbed me from behind. Every time I faked breaking the arch of someone else’s foot, I grimaced. I also wondered how fierce the pain would be if I were to hit someone in the Adam’s apple. Would it really be debilitating?
Mike’s lesson proved the hardest. We learned how to harness all our strength to hit and kick with power. I realized that without desperate or hateful thoughts, it was hard to be powerful.
I didn’t like bringing those emotions to the surface. By the time we could smell the pizza in the kitchen, I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I had no idea how hard it was to defend myself. I gobbled down four slices of pizza before I realized how full I felt.
“We’ve got some things to do,” Mike said. “So, why don’t you guys go relax and watch a few movies before bed. We’ll come get ya when we’re done.” We found we really didn’t have a choice in the matter. They all stood, ushering us back into the game room. Someone or several someones had put the room back in order. I wondered how many agents were running around this place. The curtains were drawn and the room took on the feel of a prison.
“Well, let’s see,” Summer said, as she walked toward the large TV. She fingered through a bunch of DVDs that sat on a shelf next to it. “We’ll watch this,” she said, taking control and sliding the DVD she had chosen into the DVD player. She grabbed the remote, turned on the TV and backed up into an overstuffed loveseat. Rick sat in an arm chair. The couch was the only place left to sit, so I sat there. Neither of them looked my way.
I spent the first movie staring at Rick. How could I get him to talk to me? Wou
ld he listen to me or reject me? Maybe he would simply laugh at me. I imagined him saying, “Oh, you thought I really liked you? I just wanted someone to make out with while I was here in D.C. and you were an easy mark.” But, I knew that would never happen. It wasn’t in Rick’s nature. Was it in Alex’s nature?
When Rick stood up to stretch, I forgot all about Alex, and grabbed the opportunity to talk to him. I took a quick breath, stood up and walked right over to him. Our eyes locked for a mere second, and then he looked away. I almost lost all the courage I’d mustered, but before he could move away from me, I squeaked, “Could we talk, please?”
It felt strange to be the pursuer, but when he didn’t acknowledge me, I grabbed his arm with gentle hands and asked again.
He looked at me and said, “I can’t think of anything we have to talk about.”
Stab, stab, stab. My heart raced so fast I thought I might faint as he moved his arm away from my touch and sat back down. I looked at Summer, for no particular reason, and she was busy picking the next movie, paying us no attention. Looking back at Rick, I noticed he was looking straight ahead at nothing, like he wasn’t using his eyes at all.
My heart pounded, bruising my ribs as I pleaded with him. “Please, Rick. I need you to know the truth. Just give me a few minutes—it’s all I ask. Please.”
He shifted and then stood, without saying a word, he motioned with his arm for me to lead the way. I took him to the opposite side of the room to sit in the window seat. We stared at each other for what seemed forever. How should I start? I didn’t know what to say. I had to say the right thing, or I’d lose him forever. I just knew it. I wanted him to accept me again, but how?
I cleared my throat and then forged forward, not exactly sure what was going to come out of my mouth. “Some of what Summer said was true—but most was not. I did go with Alex to a club, and he did kiss me—”
Rick shifted, ever so slightly in his seat, but kept looking down, so all I could see was the top of his head.
Watched (The Watched Trilogy) Page 26
