I Know What You’re Doing
Part Three
‘Till Death us do Part’
By Zane Michaelson
Junction Publishing
United Kingdom & New Zealand
Copyright © 2018 by Zane Michaelson.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.
Zane Michaelson/Junction Publishing
United Kingdom / New Zealand
Till Death Us Do Part
[email protected]
Publisher’s Note: This book is based on real-life events, but names and places have been changed to protect the identities of those not wishing to be revealed. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any other resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or to businesses, companies, events, institutions, or locales is completely coincidental.
Ordering Information:
Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the “Special Sales Department” at the address above.
TDUDP/Zane Michaelson -- 1st Ed.
Dedication
To Chad.
This is for you.
Prologue
‘I, Zane, take you, Jenna,
To be my wife,
To have and to hold
From this day forward;
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
Till death us do part,’
Sacred words, every one of them.
Night after night, they filled my dreams.
When I woke, I felt I’d been back in that serene and beautiful church deep in the countryside – standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world.
‘With the sense of incomparable joy that you have found emotional sanctuary for your heart,
That you have discovered your life’s true love,
I now pronounce you married.’
I would never forget those words.
I felt emotions I never believed existed outside of a fairy tale and turned to face my bride.
The vicar finally spoke the words I’d waited so long to hear;
‘You may now kiss the bride.’
I reached forward to lift the veil, eager to tenderly kiss Jenna’s perfect lips.
My love. My life. Mine -- for always.
Ready to lift the veil, I was distracted by the sound of my Mum’s sobs from the front row. Her sniffles echoed around the church. I looked across as she dabbed at her eyes with a white silk handkerchief.
I shook my head, wishing I’d taken the bet with my brother she’d be the first to blub. But she was my Mum, and crying on today of all days was allowed. I was struggling to keep my own emotions in check, so I smiled at her, and she smiled back, now dabbing at her tear stained cheeks.
I love you, she mouthed silently.
“Ahem,” Jenna whispered, bringing my full attention back to her.
This was the moment.
I closed my eyes and lifted the ‘celestial halo’ effect veil I knew she had so carefully chosen to frame her face.
Counting down in my mind, my eyes opened, before staggering back in horror.
My bride didn’t have a face.
*
I would always wake at the same moment, the sheets soaked with sweat.
Shaking violently and gasping for air, I felt as though my heart was about to burst out of my chest.
I felt certain I was having a heart attack, but it was just the way my guilt chose to manifest itself.
To this day, I still have panic attacks. They left me with a fear of sleeping. The faceless bride haunted me, and even during my waking hours, I couldn’t get the image out of my mind.
Eventually, I found myself managing on as little as two hours of sleep a night—I was a mess, but everything my life used to be lay shattered all around me. All of my own making, but I wasn’t strong enough to fix what I’d broken. If I’m honest, I didn’t know where to begin.
Chapter One
I walked out the door, closing it behind me, momentarily leaning against it. Would she come after me and tell me there was a chance? That she wanted me to stay after all?
No—I didn’t think so.
Was I doing the right thing?
I was doing what Jenna wanted, so with that train of thought firmly implanted, I walked away from my marriage.
Jumping into my car, I drove recklessly down the country lanes further and further away from my marital home, not caring if I crashed the car, killing myself.
I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew one thing – I wouldn’t be going to my parents. It would kill me to have to explain everything to them.
I wished my grandparents were still alive. They’d have taken me in without judgement.
*
I lit another cigarette, and sat in silence.
My marriage was over.
I couldn’t believe he didn’t put up more of a fight, but what did I expect? I’d asked him to leave.
Grabbing a glass from the dishwasher, I filled it with wine, downing the contents before filling it again.
Losing myself in a bottle wasn’t the answer to my problems, but at that moment in time, it was all the comfort I had.
Maybe he’s sat in the driveway. I jumped off the stool and rushed into the living room to spy out of the window. My heart sank. As soon as I realised he’d gone, I wanted him back. I hadn’t really wanted him to go in the first place, but I was so hurt and angry, I lashed out without thinking.
*
I pulled into the hotel car park, my mind crammed with thoughts of how messed up my life had become.
Where did it all start to go wrong?
I had everything I’d ever wanted, a kind and loving wife, adorable children – the perfect life, but it wasn’t enough, and now, my greed had caused irreparable damage.
“You’re a selfish prick, Zane,” I said out loud.
Then I laughed, thinking I was on that slippery slope to total madness in talking to myself.
Sending the message to Chad was the worst thing I could have ever done and rather than confront the reasons for my initial depression, I sought comfort in the arms of a man that should have stayed in my past.
I ran back to the past thinking it would fix the present, but all it did was jeopardize my future.
Thinking back, I smiled.
My student days had been fun, carefree, drink fuelled, sex filled times.
I was luckier than most, with no student loans to worry about. The only thing I had to do was turn in my assignments when they were due.
They were wild times and on reflection, they were my halcyon days. For a moment in time, I wanted them back, but now I realised, those days were gone and never coming back. Life had to move on.
My Nana always said I was old before my time, and maybe she was right all along—I was having a mid-life crisis, fifteen years too soon.
I sat in the car, and the fog cleared, if only just a little.
I was missing my youth, and compounded by the fact I was working my arse off night and day, things that should have been tiny bumps in the road grew into huge mountains of despair. I had been physically and mentally
exhausted and my depression was born of that.
And if I lost myself in my past, back to the time I was last truly happy before I married, had kids, and responsibility took hold, that would break the rut I was in.
We all get stuck in a rut from time to time, and, rather than wait it out, or talk to Jenna about what I was feeling, I sought out Chad and dragged him into this war zone.
I drove out of the hotel car park, heading to the riverfront and parked up, staring at the black waves as they crashed into one another.
How easy would it be to slip gently into the water and lose myself to the sea?
Then the faces of my girls jumped into my mind.
I could never do that to them. I wanted to face up to the hurt I’d caused, but didn’t know how.
Chapter Two
What was I going to do with myself? Without the routine I was so used to—work, kids, wife, dinner, parents, gym and Chad, I didn’t know which way to turn anymore.
I couldn’t face my parents, my in-laws, or anybody we knew in common. I didn’t know what Jenna had told them, if anything.
And there was no way I could face Chad. I’d broken his heart and the look on his face when I rejected him would stay with me forever—how could I have been so cruel?
But, what choice did I have?
Then there was Jenna. I’d stamped all over my vows and walked away from my marriage. But, she told me to leave—I just gave her what she wanted.
I was a single man and had to figure a way forward.
It was harder than I realised it would be. Yes, there are times in any relationship when we crave what was, wishing to be carefree again, without responsibility, but when you get what you want, if only for a short time, the grass is certainly not greener on the other side.
Now, I had to think of my children. My daughters meant the world to me, and they shouldn’t have to suffer for my reprehensible behaviour. They were too young to understand what I’d done.
I felt immense sadness when I thought of them. How would they ever forgive me making them grow up in a single parent family?
*
The days passed by in a haze of Scotch and take-away, and my room looked like a whirlwind had gone through it.
I’d checked into the Hilton—the same place Chad and I had last been together.
It was a calculated decision, as was the fact I was staying in the same room. For some strange reason, it brought me comfort and I didn’t feel so alone.
I felt close to Chad and thought back to the last time I’d seen him—he’d screwed me senseless, and I’d give anything for that right now, but I couldn’t pick up the phone and call him, no matter how much I wanted to.
Despite Jenna asking me to leave, I felt like I’d be betraying her all over again, so I wrestled with myself, and the better side of me won.
*
It had been five days since I’d last spoken to Zane, and I broke my resolve not to contact him first. I was worried by the lack of contact, if not for me, but the girls.
My anger over the affair had started to dwindle, and it wasn’t because I didn’t care—I did, and if we sat down to talk about it, I knew the anger would resurface, but throwing away what we had was crazy.
Or maybe I was crazy for even thinking about it.
But, his silence made me mad for a whole host of different reasons.
“Answer the damn phone,” I said, as the voicemail clicked on again.
Hello, you’re through to Zane Michaelson, please leave a message after the tone… was as far as I got before ending the call and slamming my phone down on the kitchen countertop.
I wasn’t going to give up.
I still had questions, but weighing heavily upon me was the fact Zane might have left me and gone straight to Chad.
Just then, my phone rang. I swiped it from the counter, barely hoping, but it was only my mother in law—the last person I wanted to talk to right now.
“Hello,” I answered, plastering on a smile, scared she would notice a change in my voice.
“Hello, sweetheart,” she said, her cheery voice annoying me. “I’ve been trying to get hold of Zane for a few days, but he isn’t picking up. There’s nothing wrong, is there?”
“No, he’s gone away on business for a couple of weeks, and the daft sod left his phone here by mistake.”
“Oh, what’s he like? I was worried.”
“I’m in contact with him, but only via messenger,” I lied.
“Well, you know I’m hopeless with technology, so ask him to call me when he’s home. I’d love to have you all over for dinner, Jenna—it’s been ages.”
“That sounds nice,” I lied again. I got on well with my mother in law, but she was like a bloodhound – one whiff of something off and she would be all over me and I didn’t want her to know anything. Zane was her pride and joy, and she would go into battle for him without hesitation, whether he was right, or wrong. “I’ll tell him.”
“Okay, love—must dash, we’re off to see friends. See you all soon. Give my girls a huge kiss from Nana.” Then she was gone.
I sighed. I needed to get hold of Zane and talk to him about the girls and what we were going to tell people when all was said and done.
Dialling his number again, I screamed in frustration as the voicemail clicked straight in.
This time, I waited for the beep, and let him have it—the full force of my rage.
“Zane, you’re a selfish arsehole and don’t deserve to have children who miss you.” I didn’t want to cry. “And if you don’t call me back, I’m going to go to the police and report you as missing. I’ll have no choice but to tell them everything, and let’s see how fast the news spreads then.”
I ended the call.
Chapter Three
I listened to the voicemail message and cringed, moving the phone away from my ear as Jenna bellowed. When she was angry, her accent was more pronounced.
I missed her so much.
It was shame that kept me from speaking to either Jenna, or Chad.
I’d broken two hearts and had no idea how to mend either one—shit, I couldn’t even mend my own. But, I had a responsibility to Jenna, not to mention my children.
I knew Jenna would forgive my appalling behaviour to a point, but not where the children were concerned. Shaking, I picked up the phone next to my bed and dialled Jenna’s mobile phone.
She picked up after two rings.
“Hello,” she said.
“It’s me,” I mumbled, the feeling of shame a million times worse than it was minutes before.
She started to cry. “Where are you?”
“In a hotel,” I answered, monotone.
For some reason, hearing her voice riled me. I felt my hackles rise.
“I’ve been worried sick,” she added. “And the girls have been asking for you. What am I going to tell them?”
“Tell them the truth—you threw me out. I don’t care.”
“You don’t get to play the fucking victim here, Zane,” she yelled, through her sobs.
“I wasn’t,” I replied. I couldn’t be bothered arguing with her. “You told me to leave, or did I imagine that part?”
“I told people you were working away for a few weeks, but the girls miss you. I miss you.”
She was trying to hold herself together—I could hear it in her voice.
Still, I didn’t know how to answer her.
“Are you there?” she asked.
“I’m here.”
“Then why don’t you talk to me?”
“What’s left to say?”
“Have you seen Chad?”
“Is that why you wanted to speak to me?”
“Wouldn’t you want to know if the shoe was on the other foot?”
“I wouldn’t care, if I’m honest.”
“I want to know if you walked out on our marriage and jumped straight into bed with him?”
“You know me better than that, Jen.” Immediately, I regretted my comment as
I knew she would latch on and throw it back in my face.
“I didn’t ever think I’d find you in the woods getting fucked with people watching.”
And there it was, the anger, still there. She didn’t even try to hide it. The wounds I’d inflicted were still wide open.
“I’m sorry,” I said, breaking down. “I never wanted to hurt any of you.”
“I know you didn’t, but you did, and I have to take my share of the blame too. I’ve been sitting here playing it through my mind. If only I’d told you when I found out, we wouldn’t be here now.”
“Jenna, I want a divorce.”
I was surprised to hear myself say it – it hadn’t even crossed my mind before that moment, but our marriage could never be repaired, I firmly believed that, and she deserved somebody better.
“What?” I heard her panicked voice as I disconnected the call and switched my phone off.
I dropped the phone to the floor, and cried.
Chapter Four
I was restless and couldn’t sit in my hotel room any longer, and after grabbing the half empty bottle of scotch from the bedside cabinet, I staggered out of the hotel and sat in my car, debating whether I was sober enough to drive.
I wasn’t, and to my shame, I decided to drive anyway.
With no idea where I was heading, I started the car, cranked the music up until I could feel the windows vibrating, and drove out of the car park.
Luck must have been on my side that night as had I been caught driving over the limit, my career would have been over—my reputation in tatters.
But, I wasn’t caught, and before long, as though pulled magnetically, I found myself at Coastal Way once again. I drove down the bumpy, gravel path that led to the car park and pulled up, turning the engine off. I noticed a lot more cars there than last time, and for a few minutes, I sat contemplating my options whilst slugging what was left of the scotch straight from the bottle.
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