“What?”
“Do you know ‘Your Song’ by Elton John?” he asks. His voice is flat, but his eyes are full of emotion. He’s trying to hide it, but he can’t. I see him.
“I do,” I nod. My dad was a big fan of Elton John, and we listened to him a lot.
“Grammy used to sing that to me when I was young to get me to fall asleep. I miss her and you remind me of her sometimes. She was so loving and genuinely good.” That makes sense. His Grammy was his world.
I begin to sing because I don’t have words for him right now.
“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside,” Those lyrics aren’t lost on me in this moment.
He lays on his pillows and closes his eyes. I sit next to him, stroke his hair and sing. He seems different, subdued.
✽✽✽
As I sit down next to Jefferson and Phoenix our English Lit class I keep having flashbacks to last night and how different Van was acting.
“Ready?” Jefferson asks. Today is the big midterm.
“Of course.” I smile. I knew this stuff like the back of my hand before I tutored Van. Now, I know it inside out and upside down. He does too. I’m confident he’ll ace this.
Van walks in with Finn, laughing loudly. He immediately stops when our eyes meet and he shifts his gaze back to Finn. What the shit was that? Instead of parting ways with Finn and coming to sit by me like he has for the past few weeks, he walks back to his old seat with the other athletes.
“What’s up with your stalker?” Phoenix asks.
“No idea.” I shrug. “We’re not together, I’ve told you that. I just tutor him. Midterm is here, so our arrangement is over.” The words are palpable, and leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
“I’ll miss smelling him during class. He is one fine piece of man,” Jefferson turns to gaze at Van.
“Can you drool somewhere else?” I laugh. Jefferson has a boyfriend, but he goes to college back in Ohio. He’s so horny he would screw a chick. His words, not mine.
I hadn’t put much thought into what would happen once our tutoring arrangement is over, and after our final tutoring session, I felt like we were bonded. I sang to him, for Pete’s sake. I should have asked the next morning before I left, but I didn’t have the guts and he didn’t offer.
I guess I know now. Nothing. He used me for my brain and blowies. I swear I felt something from him though. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would open up and then close back down. Maybe he’s pissed I won’t have sex with him. But I would. He is the one who always stops us before we get that far.
I have a pain in my heart. Is this what I was supposed to feel when I left Bates? This stings. More than stings. This fucking hurts. He makes you curse internally, a lot. Why did you think this was a good idea? It feels like I can’t breathe, but on the outside everything is normal. The world keeps moving forward and I’m stuck in the past.
I will never be normal again. Not after Donovan Blake.
Chapter 23: Donovan
I pretended to fall asleep to Maisy’s melodic voice. I knew when she hit that first note I was done. I can’t do this to her. Our tutoring arrangement is technically over, and we have to part ways. I’ll pay Finn to end this fucking bet before she finds out. I don’t even fucking care about the money. It was more about the bragging rights, but fuck it, I just can’t put her through that.
I love her. I have fallen in love with her. She almost said it to me last night, but I couldn’t let her say it out loud. I tried to convince her and myself that I don’t believe in love, and I didn’t – until Maisy shattered my walls with her goodness. I know she would have meant it. It wasn’t the way other girls have said it to me, like when they’re ripping my clothes off or clawing at my jersey. We love each other, and I’m going to set fucking fire to it.
What started as a bet has breathed life back into my soul, and because of that I know I have to walk away. I wanted to make love to her so many times, and she was practically begging for it, but I couldn’t fucking do it. She can never know how this started and what was supposed to happen.
I have to break my heart to save hers in the long run. Look at me now, I’m a fucking martyr. Saint Donovan. The patron saint of dickheads.
After she fell asleep, I spent the night awake, taking in all of her. I kept thinking over and over how much I’m going to miss her. Her laugh, her eyes, the way she tastes, and now the way she sings. I inhaled her sweet coconut scent, trying to imprint it in my nose. I made sure to make a mental note to never wash my sheets again. I stroked her silky-smooth skin for so long, in hopes that I will never forget how she feels under my touch. I memorized every feature on her beautiful, perfect face. I felt sick thinking about letting her go.
She lingered longer this morning, but I pretended not to notice. I know she wanted to talk to about what happened last night. After she left for class, I spent my morning jacking off to the visions of her in my bed. Some day that memory will fade. I almost hope. Maybe then I can get back to my old life that was so much less complicated, but a whole hell of a lot more boring now that I’ve had Maisy.
It feels empty already and I’m broken and fucking angry. Angry for instigating this stupid bet, because even though it brought Maisy to me, it’s also the thing that is ripping her away from me.
The anger that I have learned to suppress - or expel onto someone’s face with my fist - is raging inside of me. I’m angry I let it go on this long. If I was any kind of man, if I had any heart at all, I’d tell her the truth. But, fuck, I can’t.
I’m fucking selfish and I don’t want to lose her… yet. Losing her is in inevitable. It will happen, but instead of manning up, I’m going to hide the truth as long as I can, because I’m a shitty human. The only thing that quells the hatred I have for myself right now is the vision of her etched in my mind and memories of the better times.
I texted Finn to meet in the Quad to walk to English Lit together. I told him I needed to talk to him alone.
“What’s up, buddy?” he asks as he approaches and give me a bro fiver.
“Not much man,” I shrug.
“Who you got this weekend?”
“Iowa. You coming?” I’m not in the mood for small talk. My nonexistent heart is slowly fucking breaking with each minute that passes.
“Fuck yes. We’ll be tailgating. So what do you want? Ready to pay up?” Finn laughs. “You got one more day.”
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I say. Hopefully he makes it this easy for real and doesn’t ask too many questions.
“What?” He snaps his eyes to me from where they were wandering around the Quad, checking out girls walking by.
“I’m done. Midterms are today and my tutoring arrangement with her is over. I won’t be able to pull this off by Saturday. I just don’t have time,” I lie.
“She was immune to Big Dick Blake?” He starts laughing again.
“Guess so.” I shrug and try to play it off. “Maybe she prefers to munch box. I don’t know, but it’s over.”
“She’s not a carpet muncher. I know that,” he counters. “That’s a lot of money, Blake. Even for you.” Finn looks genuinely concerned for my mental well-being at this moment.
“You want it or not? I’m just done. She tutored me and now that arrangement’s over. You win. What more do you want me to say?” I snap. I’m starting to lose my patience. I can’t tell him I fucking fell in love during this whole thing. That she somehow got me to grow a conscience like him and Zucc. I just stand there and shake my head, waiting for his answer. When he doesn’t reply I say, “How you want it? Bank transfer? Wire? Cash? Fucking decide or I will change my mind.”
“A hundred and sixty thousand in cash? Yeah right, with my dickhead roommates, they’d spend it on beer and chew. Bank transfer I guess seems safest. Are we really doing this?” he asks and looks almost uncomfortable.
“We are. And once I do you don’t breathe a word of this bet again. She never finds out.” I take out my phone and call my
financial advisor, Steve Kerrigan. He manages my trust fund and all my investments. I got access to my trust fund when I turned 21 and it has over $130 million in it, so Finn’s stupid $160,000 is nothing. My investments will make that money back before I can even say the word investment. Grammy was good to me. I was her favorite, obviously. “Give me your word, Finn.”
“You have my word,” he practically whispers in shock.
“Janice, hey it’s Donovan,” I say to Kerrigan’s secretary when she answers the phone. Finn is watching me intently. “I need you to transfer money from my trust to another bank account.”
“What’s your bank account number?” I ask him.
“Umm, I don’t know,” Finn replies, a little in shock. The rest of the campus just keeps hustling by us, oblivious to the fact that I’m about to pay this asshole’s student loan debt with one phone call.
“Check your debit card, call the number on the back and get it for me.” I point to the back of his card as he pulls it from his wallet.
“Hang tight, Janice.”
Finn does as he’s told, and I relay that information to Janice. After a few minutes she says that his bank account information was accepted and asks what I need.
“Okay, I need you to move one hundred and sixty thousand to that account... Nope, that’s it. I don’t need anything else... Yup. Tell Steve hi... Okay, thanks. Bye.”
I hang up and Finn is gawking at me as we start to walk to class.
“The transfer will post within three business days, so check your account. We’re done then? She never has to know this happened? No one has to know?” I question again. I know he already agreed to that, but I want to him confirm it again.
“I can’t believe you just did that.” He shakes his head. “But I’m fucking bragging up the hell out this. My boys thought you would have bagged her by now.” He pauses and rubs his palms together. “I should go to Vegas.” He starts laughing as we walk into English Lit.
“Blow it however you want, but I’m not giving you a dime more. And make sure your loudmouth boys don’t tell her, or I will fucking end them all,” I growl, but I need to calm down. I can’t let him know I fell for her, so I turn on the old Blake.
“But Vegas sounds fucking amazing right now. Slots and sluts, baby.” I slap him on the back to ease the tension. He starts laughing and I fake one too as we walk into class. Maisy looks up and smiles at me, but I ignore her like a complete dick. I walk back to where Finn and the boys are sitting and take up my old seat.
Maisy’s frowns and furrows her eyebrows. I can only imagine what Maisy is thinking right now. Running through all the possibilities of why I’m not there. I want like hell to be sitting next to her, but I can’t. This has to end before she gets even more hurt than she already is.
“Fucking Blake!” Zucc says and smacks me on the back. “We thought you were pussy-whipped for a second.”
“Nah, I’m not the pussy-whipping kind. I just needed to pass or you’d be without your star linebacker and then, God forbid, the offense would actually have to show up,” I pass off the half lie. I did need to pass, but I didn’t fucking need to fall in love.
“Blake’s out.” Finn raises his arms over head in a victory stretch.
“What?” they all say simultaneously.
“Yeah, he paid and everything. I’m fucking rich, boys!” Finn gloats. “Well, until I pay Cambria for the worthless piece of paper I get in May.”
“You didn’t.” Stoner looks at me completely shocked.
“I always pay my debts, and Halloween is tomorrow night. Pretty sure it over.” I shrug trying to play it cool. “Can’t win them all.”
“How is it possible that someone with your moral compass hit the financial jackpot? Not fucking fair. Got any more bets I can get in on?” Zucc asks.
“How the fuck did she resist Big Dick Blake?” Stoner asks.
“I asked the same thing!” Finn proclaims and smacks Stoner in the chest with the back of his hand in disbelief.
“Fuck you, both,” I say with a fake chuckle as Dr. Winters walks in. “She’s the Fort Knox of pussy, boys.”
They all crack up and Dr. Winters glares at us. “Boys, please,” she says and begins class.
Outside, all is well. Inside, I’m dead. I focus on the back of Maisy’s head instead of my test. I want her to turn around and look at me. Let me see her eyes.
I want her to plead with me not to end our, what? Relationship? Arrangement? Whatever it was I want her to want me back, knowing I need to walk away. My thoughts are so irrational. I’m arguing with myself and losing on both sides. God, I wish I could kick my own ass.
She doesn’t turn around. Not one fucking time. She’s strong. She’s had to be. She’s been abandoned and hurt in the past, so this is how she deals. She shuts down and locks her heart away. I know because that’s my defense mechanism too.
“Pencils down! Pass your tests to left and Megan will collect them,” Dr. Winters instructs. “Grades will be posted within the week. Have a great weekend!”
“Hey, Blake, Iowa got anyone this year?” Stoner asks as we all pack our backpacks.
“Not much. Decent tight end like always,” I say as I watch Maisy pack up her bag.
“Yeah, their defense is garbage though. Jax, Rhodes and Bateman should have big games,” Zucc offers. He’s settled into his role as Jax’s backup.
“I’m just ready to hit something,” I tell the boys and try to hide my feelings of guilt and heartbreak. “All right, I’m out. See you guys tomorrow.”
“You coming to Pi Kappa Halloween Bash after your game?” Braxton asks.
“Wouldn’t miss it. This dick won’t suck itself,” I say and grab Stoner’s head and pretend to force it to my crotch. The boys all start to laugh.
“At least take me to dinner first, BDB,” Stoner cracks after I let go of his head.
This party is going to fucking suck. I don’t know if I have energy to fake it that long, but if I want to protect Maisy, I have be the old me – which for once, I don’t want to be.
Chapter 24: Maisy
It’s Halloween. I love Halloween! It was always one of my favorite holidays because of the free candy, then as I got older it was always the best night to surf. No one except Bates and I would be on the water most of the time. We’d dress up in stupid costumes and ride waves until it was time to go to Pete’s. We’d show up in our wet costumes and spend the night with our friends.
My favorite costume was one we wore sophomore year, right before we slept together. We were 2001 Britney and Justin. He wore a denim tux with a denim cowboy hat and I made myself Britney’s denim dress. It was so hard to surf in those outfits, which made it the most fun. They were so heavy when they got wet.
Today is a game day and Millie and I are planning to tailgate with the baseball guys again.
I haven’t heard from Van since I woke up in his arms Friday morning. I’m still confused by my exchange, or lack thereof, with him during class. If our relationship was strictly tutor/tutee then I don’t think I’d be overanalyzing this like I am. But it was so much more than that. We shared intimate details about our lives. Things that not many other people in the world know. And the orgasms. Jesus, they were off the Richter Scale. Body shaking, abs clenching, heat seeking orgasms. Maybe he didn’t have sex with me for a reason.
He can get his dick sucked anytime he wants. Why would he spend so much time with me when we weren’t studying if he just wanted to use me for a blow job? If he was using me for oral sex, why wouldn’t he take the opportunity to just screw me? None of it makes sense. Maybe I scared him off when I told him I was the daughter of a felon. God, why did I share that much information?
“Maze, you ready?” Millie walks into my room, decked out in her pinstripe game day outfit, right down to the gold glitter headband.
“Yeah, just need like three minutes to get my headband on,” I reply. Since that first game, I purchased the black and gold pinstripe overalls, black Golden Knights Fo
otball tank top, and a gold glitter headband. I worked extra shifts at Holy Sip! to afford them. I’m actually really loving game days.
“Are you okay?” Millie asks as she combs out her curls with her fingers. “You just seem so down.”
“Honestly, Millie, no,” I begin as I straighten the gold glitter elastic in my hair. “You sure you want me to unload this on you?”
“Maze, come on.” She cocks her head to the side to tell me I’m being stupid for even asking. “You’re my best friend. We’ve gotten so close over the last few months. I told you about Colton’s crooked dick. I think we’re past worrying about overloading each other.”
That’s true. I didn’t need to know that Millie’s art crush, Colton, whom she has been spending a lot time with, has a penis that hangs hard to the left. They were making out and she took off his pants to give him a blow job, but the dang thing was practically parallel to the ground. She freaked out. He swore it works just like a normal dick, but she didn’t stick around to find out.
“Van blew me off in class yesterday, and I don’t know why.”
Millie knows I’ve been spending a lot of nights at Van’s, and that we’ve opened up to each other on a deeper level. I finally told her that we’ve been messing around too. I don’t share his personal info, but I need some advice so she needs to know about the rest.
Millie thinks about it for a second. “Maybe he’s pissed you won’t have sex with him? Cuz you still haven’t right? Or maybe he thinks you’re not ready?”
“We haven’t, but not cuz I didn’t want to. Every time we’d get close, he would stop us. I was one step shy of throwing myself at himself during our last session. I’m literally the one person on this campus he won’t sleep with.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t really seem like a Blake thing to do. He prides himself on fucking chicks and not having a heart. He will literally fuck anything that walks I think. Was he using you for your brain?” she asks. She’s not trying to make me feel bad, but when she says that, it stings.
Redemption (Cambria University #2) Page 17
