by Kaylee, Katy
Now, I loved the beach. I wasn’t the strongest swimmer so I couldn’t go too far out, but I loved the water, loved how it seemed to calm something inside of me. I loved making sand castles, and taking a nap in the sun, and watching the waves during sunset.
Veronica was full of energy, apparently extra eager to make up for her nausea earlier, as if it was her fault, something she could control. She dragged me down to the water right away, and we played in the waves for a while, dunking each other, trying to trip each other up, and eventually falling over laughing and kissing before going back up to the sand.
We did, in fact, make sand castles. At first we were kind of competing to see who could make the better one, but then we just joined forces. I made sure to take pictures when we were finished, and during the process as well, so that I wouldn’t forget it after the castle inevitably fell down or was hit by the waves.
It was a private beach, like a lot of the beaches on the island, and so we were alone the entire time. It felt almost like we’d found a way to step into our own private universe. We didn’t see another human being for hours, and when we finally did, they were far away, just small specks a ways out, unable to bother us.
Part of me - the selfish part - never wanted us to leave. Wanted us to stay in this house, on this island, forever, never seeing another soul. Just getting to goof off, and relax, and be together.
I knew that it couldn’t last forever, of course. We had to deal with this Preston business, for one thing. But even if we didn’t have the Preston issue, we had our regular lives to get back to. And I did like my regular life. It wasn’t like I was trying to run from that.
But right now, in this moment… I wished it could last forever. Just the two of us.
If only.
26
Veronica
The day was perfect. I honestly couldn’t think of a single thing that could’ve gone better or been more enjoyable.
By the time we got to a bonfire on the beach at the end, I almost wanted to cry with joy and relief. Here I had been, freaking out all of this time, wondering if I was going to be able to handle this relationship, freaking out… and it turned out that it all fell into place so naturally, it felt like I should’ve been doing this my entire life.
If only we could’ve been doing this the entire time. If only I hadn’t had to go through those eight years. But we had today, and we had the future. There was that, at least, and I was determined now not to let it go out of fear.
Because the thing was… the truth was stealing into my heart like a cat on soft paws, settling in and purring. I had always thought it would be like a hurricane, a tsunami sweeping me under. But instead it felt soft and warm, just like Ted’s arms around me as we sat against a driftwood log in front of the bonfire. I had always wanted to do a bonfire, in high school, but that wasn’t something that upper-class people went to. Bonfires were for the hicks, the white trash, the wrong kind of crowd.
Ted hadn’t said anything to me about that, but I knew that he was thinking of that when he’d suggested the bonfire and had shown me how to do it, letting me light the pile and set it ablaze. Just like he was letting me set the pace on everything else.
Without even asking, he was remembering things from high school and giving me what I couldn’t have then, what I’d been too scared to go for because of my parents. When else had I ever felt so known, so understood, so cared for? Never.
Without a doubt, like the sun rising and banishing the shadows and cobwebs of sleep, I knew that I was in love with him. It was still a bit scary. I couldn’t deny that. But it was less scary than it had been. It felt right. All this time I had been terrified of just ending up with another Chad, stuck in a loveless marriage where I was dominated by my husband, manipulated, ignored at best and abused at worse. But I knew that Ted would never do that. I couldn’t see our relationship becoming loveless, and I couldn’t see myself ever becoming afraid of Ted, or seeing Ted try to control me. He had never been anything but honest with me. In fact, I was the one who had once lied to him when I had broken up with him, pretending that I didn’t care and telling him that I didn’t think he would amount to anything when I hadn’t really cared about that.
As we just sat together, his arm around me, I felt more at peace than I had in years. Perhaps since even before I married Chad. It wasn’t just the romance. It was that I was with one person who had proven to me, time and again, that he would never leave me, that he would never judge me, that he would always look out for me and put me first. Nowhere else in my life had I ever gotten that.
I didn’t know how to say that, any of it, so I just kept quiet, putting my head on his shoulder as we watched the bonfire die slowly down. It was peaceful. Comfortable. Neither of us had to say anything. We could just sit there together, and exist, and that was all that we needed.
When we went up to bed and made love again… it felt like the tide sweeping me under, pulling me in, surrounding me, and this time, I willingly let myself drown. I didn’t know how to say the words just yet. I hadn’t said those words to anyone in so long, not when I truly meant them. Of course to Layla, and my other friends, but that was different. This was… this was a different kind of love, and the words held a weight that they had lost in all the time that I’d been with Chad. I hadn’t said it for years while I was with him, and he hadn’t said it to me, but before that, at the beginning of our marriage, we had said the words. His had always felt like… like he was reminding me that he possessed me. When I had said them, I had felt like I had to. Like it was my duty.
Now I felt them, truly, but didn’t know how to say them. So I just… gave Ted all that I could in my kisses, in my body, holding him and taking him inside of me, begging him for more, and hoping that he understood.
The next morning I felt rejuvenated. Best sleep I’d had in ages. All of my stress was gone, and even the thought of Preston wasn’t as terrifying as it had been. I felt relaxed. Ready to take on the world.
I got up a few minutes before Ted, which didn’t surprise me. We’d never had the privilege of spending the night together in high school but I had always known, and was being reminded now that we were together again as adults, that he was a night owl and I was a morning person.
He looked so handsome, even in sleep. I resisted the urge to wake him up and instead slipped into the bathroom to freshen up for the day. I think Ted planned for us to go on a walk to some of the cute little shopping areas that dotted the island.
Humming to myself, I got out my toothbrush and the toothpaste…
…and a wave of nausea hit me, just like yesterday.
I dropped the toothbrush and toothpaste and dove for the toilet, making it just in time. Shit, this was awful. I thought I had taken care of this stupid stomach bug. What was wrong with me? Surely it wasn’t just stress, right? I wasn’t stressed anymore, and I felt fine other than this morning vomiting. I had a healthy appetite—startingly so—I was sleeping well…
Ted came in while I was throwing up, and I could feel my cheeks heating up from embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” I managed to gasp out.
He got me a glass of water, shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it, you’re fine.” I could see worry lurking in his eyes, though. “You don’t have a fever? No sore throat or clogged sinuses?”
“No, nothing, in fact I feel great.”
“How long has this throwing up been going on?”
I shrugged. “Um, a few days?” Preston caused this nonsense, I was sure of it, he was the person making me so damn stressed.
Ted stared at me for a moment longer, then went out into the bedroom to rifle through his suitcase. I wondered if he had some kind of stomach pill on him that would help me to settle. In the meantime, I drank my water and flushed the toilet to get rid of the, ah, evidence. Ugh. I felt so gross after that and began brushing my teeth immediately after I finished the water.
“Here you go.” Ted had a small medical bag with him and pulled out a box. Huh.
“You always are prepared, aren’t you?” I teased, opening the box—and only realizing what it was when I saw the stick inside.
It was a pregnancy test.
“Ted.” I looked up at him. “Do you… you don’t really think… I could be… omg… ”
Ted’s face was dead serious. Solemn, even. Pensive. “We’ve been having sex without protection for weeks now. You and I are exclusive and we both know the other is clean so no STIs and I know we’ve used condoms sometimes but not every time. And you’re not on any kind of birth control to prepare you for the insemination process. I should’ve… been more careful, more aware… ” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I think it’s best you give that a try.”
“It’s probably just some stomach bug,” I replied. Panic and confusion welled up in me, and I had to struggle to speak without my voice sounding strangled. I would know if I was pregnant, wouldn’t I? I would already suspect, I would… get a feeling for it, right? I wouldn’t just be blindsided by my own body like this, would I?
“Maybe,” Ted said. “But it’s best that we make certain, don’t you think?”
I swallowed. The air suddenly felt thick, charged, and not in the usual sexy way that it was between us, but in anticipation and uncertainty. “Could I have some privacy?”
“Sure, of course.” Ted wrapped a hand around the back of my neck and drew me in to kiss the top of my forehead, then slipped out of the room and closed the door behind him.
I could hear him through the bathroom door, moving around—probably getting dressed for the day. I took a few deep breaths, then looked at myself in the mirror.
You can do it, I told myself. It’s just a test, Veronica. It could very well be nothing. You’ve felt fine.
But had I? I’d had a bigger appetite than usual, one I’d put down to just being happy again. I’d had odd cravings, which I’d also dismissed. And now the throwing up without any other symptoms of a flu, or cold, or stomach bug…
There was really only one way to find out, though, and I had to bite the bullet and get the truth. I couldn’t fix anything or handle any situation until I knew the facts.
As I waited for the answer to show up on the stick, I couldn’t help but consider the irony of the situation. I hadn’t been with anyone besides Ted, which I was sure he knew, so if I was pregnant, he had to know it would be his. My fertility doctor - well, former fertility doctor - had, in fact, gotten me pregnant, by accident. And this was just not the way that either of us had expected.
While I’d gone to Ted to have a baby, I hadn’t expected it to be his baby. And while I was… I was excited at the idea of being pregnant, I wasn’t as excited about it being Ted’s child.
Not that he wouldn’t make an excellent father. Both biologically and in temperament. He had good genes, he was hardworking, intelligent, great credentials. I had been serious when I had suggested that he add himself to the sperm donor database. He would’ve fit right in with all of these men. Sure, Ted hadn’t gone to Harvard or whatnot but he was the most compassionate and caring person I had ever met. He had brought himself up to the top of his field from nothing. Who wouldn’t want that man to be the father of their child?
So it wasn’t that I didn’t want Ted to be the father. It made me happy to think that he was the father, actually. I could think of no better person to be the provider of genes for my child, and it was a relief, in a way, to not have to deal with going through that list of donors yet again and trying to pick one. At least now the choice was made, whether I’d realized I was making a choice or not.
When it came to our relationship, though… I was less thrilled about that. I had been enjoying taking things slowly. Just relaxing and being in the moment, enjoying what we have. I wasn’t ready to move forward just yet, I wasn’t ready to take things quite that seriously. It was too soon for me, all of this, it was too soon. I hadn’t even finished the nursery yet.
All of my own feelings about this aside, though… there was also Ted to consider. Would he even want to be a father? I knew that he wanted to be one, someday, but that was a few years down the line. He had told me about his dreams and plans for the future just as I had told him about mine and I knew that he wanted children. He just… also wanted a wife, and a year or two of just the two of them, before he had a child.
Now I had ruined that.
Did he want to be a father despite the change to his plan? Would he want to actually be there for my child, and be a part of this, or would he want to call the whole thing off? Wanting to be with me - it changed, when there was a baby involved. I couldn’t simply not tell our child about his father, who was also the man I was dating. It was all far too complicated in my head already.
And why would Ted want to be a father when he was busy with a thriving practice? Why would he want to have to deal with that, without any time to plan ahead, without any contingencies?
I was riddled with doubts, feeling sick in a way that had nothing to do with my nausea. I had no idea what to do. What the best decision would be. Part of me wanted to climb out the bathroom window and shimmy down and hitchhike until I could get back to the mainland and then just disappear. But I’d screwed Ted over once. I couldn’t do it again.
Enough time had passed. I picked up the stick, took a deep breath, and looked down. A plus sign glowed back up at me.
Positive.
27
Ted
Veronica was in the bathroom for a long time.
I paced back and forth, trying not to be nervous. I wasn’t sure what the result was, and what her reaction would be either way. I felt so damn stupid. How could I have let this happen? How could I have put her in this position? I was a doctor, I was a fertility doctor of all things. I of all people knew how to handle this situation maturely.
Sure, Veronica wanted a child. But not right away, not like this. She wasn’t finished getting ready. And who was to say she even wanted to have my child? She was supposed to be choosing a donor. Someone of whom she could actually approve. We were trying to take things slow, and now… now we had accidentally made one of the biggest commitments that it was possible for a couple to make.
How were we supposed to handle this? Or, rather, how was she supposed to handle this? It was her body after all. I couldn’t make her do anything. And if she wanted to raise the kid without me… I would have to respect that, even if it would gut me. I wanted to be there for my child. I wanted to raise them. Sure, it was earlier than I’d expected. I was super busy at the clinic, sure, but I could find a way around it. Anything for my kid.
Because if it was my kid, I wanted to be around them. The only thing stopping me would be Veronica. She’d had enough men - enough people, I couldn’t forget her mom, either - telling her how to live her life and how to treat people and be treated. I wasn’t going to be like that. If I could, though… I’d give that kid the world. Didn’t matter to me if it was unexpected or surprising. I just wanted to be there, be the dad that I wished I’d had growing up.
Then, on the other hand, what if she wasn’t pregnant?
What if we had just gone through all of this fear for nothing?
It put our relationship into stark relief, for sure. We would have to be more careful. Use condoms, since Veronica couldn’t be on birth control while she was starting fertility treatment. It would force a talk about our relationship, either way, and I knew… I knew this was the part where we had to figure out if we were all in or not. Or, rather, if Veronica was all in or not.
I knew where I stood. I just wondered about her.
Despite my initial shock - I was excited at the idea of being a father. Of making a baby with Roni. The more I thought about it the more hopeful I got, and I wanted to give her space, but… I had to know. I knocked gently on the door.
“Roni? Hey, sweetheart, you okay?”
The door opened and Veronica stepped out, clutching the test in her hand. I could see from the way she was holding it - there was that little blue plus sign on it
.
A thrill rushed through me like electricity, one that I couldn’t control, one that seemed to settle into my very bones.
Veronica’s expression, though… well, that concerned me. She looked like she was trying not to cry. “Hey, Roni, sweetheart, it’s okay.” I took her by the hands, prying the pregnancy test from between her fingers and setting it aside before leading her to the bed. “You’re okay.” I sat her down. “What is it?”
A few tears slid free, and Veronica wiped at them savagely. “What am I going to do? I didn’t plan this. I’m not… I’m not ready. I hadn’t even picked a donor yet. This is all so sudden.”
“Life can be that way sometimes,” I pointed out, trying not to be unkind. “You’re going to be an excellent mother, even if it’s sooner than you expected. And I’ll help, Layla will help, we’ll all help in getting you what you need so that you’re all prepared when the baby arrives. You’re going to be good at this. So what if it’s six months sooner than planned? You’re ready to be a mother. You’ve been wanting this for ages. Don’t let fear get to you now.”
Veronica looked up into my eyes. “How can you be sure?”
“Because I know you, that’s how. I know that you were kind to me, and good to me. Sure, you weren’t perfect. And yes, you gave into your parents at the end there. But a few mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re kind and funny and you care a lot about other people. You’re determined to be independent and to forge your own path, to do what you want. You’re sophisticated and educated. You’ll make a great mother. I have no doubt about that.”
