ankle and being unable to flee from sub-level zombies."
I also summoned a torch on my wristwatch before walking down the stairs. They were steep so I reached for the handrail.
"Don't!" shouted Leafhead. "That handrail could be a trap. Might start this whole place collapsing."
"It smells like--"
"Baking soda and broiled caterpillars, I know," said Leafhead darkly.
"Er... I was going to say a pile of dead bats."
"Might be a few of those too. I'm picking up a lot of scents, but nothing stronger than baking soda or broiled caterpillars."
The stairs were caked with thick dust that filled the air with every footstep. No one had been down here for awhile.
"Here is a light-switch," said Leafhead as he flicked it. Lamps came alive sporadically around the room. Both our wristwatches extinguished themselves, having sensed the electric lighting.
"What is this place?" I marvelled, turning my head in all directions.
Hundreds of framed pictures hung from the walls. Some of them were of documents of science experiments, while the rest of them were people posing in front of famous landmarks. In every picture the same man appeared standing beside a random group of people. Nearer the far wall was a sleeping area that wouldn't have looked at all out of place as a movie set for a 1970s stoner basement. A tall rack of ancient-looking vinyl records (flanked by lava lamps) was the centerpiece attraction. Near the staircase was another Coney Island photo-booth that had been transformed into a weird machine. Oddest of all was the stretch of counters on which sat elaborate miniatures and models of landscapes, civilizations and entire worlds. A tiny robot system of pulleys and cranes continued to function, silently making minor adjustments to the layout of the little lands. We had no idea how important this would later prove to be. After all, it looked like a bunch of toys.
Leafhead took one of the framed pictures down from the wall. He used his labcoat to wipe off the dust. It left a grey streak in contrast with the usual alien colors. The picture showed a group of people gathered on an icy tundra.
"This was Melvin's room," he finally said. "I wondered where it was. Always thought he had a tree-fort or something."
"This was Melvin, eh?" I looked at more of the pictures. His life had clearly been an extraordinary adventure. It seemed as if he visited everywhere, even the River of Five Colors during the actual appropriate time of year.
"Where is that one from?" I asked, pointing to the icy tundra that Leafhead had chosen to look at.
"Antarctica."
"Was that the expedition you nearly died on?"
"I guess it was," he said, returning the picture. The lamplight glinted off Antarctica where it only dully hit the rest of the grey squares on the wall.
"It seems like no one has been down here for years. Didn't Melvin die shortly before I got here?"
"One never knows about time around here," said Leafhead. "Especially when measured in dust," he added with his usual cryptic spin.
"Is this another face-replicator?" I asked as pulled back the curtain to the Coney Island photo-booth.
"No, definitely not. This booth has been altered in a different way. Don't go in there until I've deduced its purpose."
I perused what looked like a shelf of bootleg VHS tapes. They were labelled as different episodes of a documentary of sorts. It seemed I was not the first intern to feel like my time here was worth recording.
"Look at all these tapes," I said. "Did you know Melvin kept a video journal all about the experiments?"
"I knew he was a filmmaker," said Leafhead.
Suddenly I sneezed. "Let's get out of here," I said, beginning to choke on the dust.
"Drink this," said Leafhead, producing a tiny vial. "Anti-Dust agent I perfected years ago. I once accidentally opened up a portal to a perpetually wind-stricken dust-world. The house was instantly engulfed. Was forced to invent this antidote quickly... barely survived the trials while I exhausted the entire local water supply. Did you ever hear about the record-high draught of '89?"
I drank the Anti-Dust Agent. It was surprisingly delicious.
"It tastes like--"
"Cherimoya and Pomelo, I know," interjected Leafhead again.
"Uh, sure," I said as we ascended the staircase. "Do you think now might finally be a good time for that Q and A interview?" I asked hopefully. It wasn't something I frequently pestered Leafhead about. I was down to mentioning it only every couple weeks.
"I guess now is as good a time as ever," said Leafhead.
I was elated. We sat down at the library table, and so began...
...The Part With Only Expository Dialogue in Script-Format.
Jonathan
What exactly is your full name?
Leafhead
Doctor Voracious Klonduke Leafhead II, ASC.
Jonathan
ASC? You're a member of the American
Society of Cinematographers?
Leafhead
Not yet.
[Laughs]
But I consider myself a bringer of light and vision.
Jonathan
Let's go back to the beginning. Your newspaper
ad made mention of getting to be a part of
"historical breakthrough events that will tear down
all that we think we know about the inner-workings of
Earth and the Universe."
Leafhead
Sounds like something I might say.
Jonathan
I have seen things here that could change the world.
Yet you seem to keep all your inventions to yourself.
Leafhead
[Lights a pipe].
You've seen things here that have changed the world.
I don't publicly unleash the entirety of my inventions
because it is far too much for people to handle.
Instead, I have anonymously leaked my knowledge into
the mainstream gradually over a course of many years.
You wouldn't believe just how much I've influenced
humanity over the last century.
Jonathan
That brings me to one of my main questions.
How old are you?
Leafhead
I think I will be turning 103 next October.
If you don't include the years I spent in cryo-freeze.
Jonathan
So you are immortal. Was it the Jellyfish?
Leafhead
[Laughs again].
What?
Jonathan
I thought you were interested in Jellyfish
because they contain some ingredient
needed for an immortality formula.
Leafhead
Not sure where you got that idea... but the reason
for my immortality is that once while on Mars I had
the incredible fortune of stumbling upon a pair of
well-seasoned travelers of time and space. Their
names were Dr. Wilx, an Astrospeciologist of the
highest order of intelligence, and Dr. Rip T. Brash the Third,
a belligerent sort of fellow that I wouldn't advise you
to try to shake hands with. They were beings from a
very high-order on the universal scale. I guess their blood
acted as a catalyst or something for effects of immortality.
I traded one of my favorite inventions, a lab coat with
never-ending pockets that lead into another dimension,
for an injection to the eyeball that was assured to
grant me a life of hundreds of years.
Jonathan
Not only have you been around a long time,
but you've been to a lot of places too, haven't you?
Leafhead
I've been to most places on Earth, yes.
Thanks to my teleporter.
; Jonathan
Not just places. I mean times.
Leafhead
Er, right. That.
[Lights pipe again].
Jonathan
We've already met, haven't we?
Leafhead
Of course we've already met.
Jonathan
What I mean is that you had met me before I even saw
your newspaper ad, at a point later in my life than now.
Leafhead
What makes you say that?
[Here I briefly left the room so as to
retrieve the proof in the form of Leafhead's Will].
Jonathan
I'm mentioned in this will, yet it is clearly dated from
before my actual birth. At what point in the future
have you traveled to and met my older self?
Leafhead
You found that old thing, eh? I wouldn't think
much of it at this point. But if I'm going to be
telling you everything then we might as start with
your first day at the house. Remember when
you were bit by that poisonous reptile and I had to
filter your blood through the De-Toxifier?
Jonathan
As if someone could forget.
Leafhead
That wasn't exactly an accident.
Jonathan
The part about me being attacked by
a hybrid reptilian creature, nearly dying and having
to be subjected to some sort of medieval torture device?
You mean that was the part that wasn't an accident?
Leafhead
Exactly. It was all part of my brilliant planning. You see,
after the death of Melvin I decided to never again lose
a valuable assistant. I endlessly labored to perfect a
cloning device. It is a very simple machine. All I need is
a sample of someones blood and I can make a perfect
replica of both their mind and body. The reptile creature was
instructed to bite you so that I would have an excuse to put you
in the De-Toxifier, which is actually the Cloning Machine.
Jonathan
There's a clone of me somewhere in the house?
Whereabouts? I'd like to see.
Leafhead
That's the tricky bit. You've only
Dr. Leafhead: Story of a Mad Scientist (Part One) Page 8
