by Ivy Black
As it turned out, though, my hopes and beliefs were all in vain. Time passed and he only seemed to get more and more angry. He drank more. His words grew harder than his heart, and the love between us seemed to wither and die on the vine and all the hopes I had for a loving and bright future along with it.
By then, however, we were already living together, and Cole was on the way. We never got married, since he says he doesn’t believe in marriage, and being as in love with him as I was, that was all right with me. But being pregnant and with no career of my own to speak of, I felt trapped. Still feel trapped. I feel totally stuck with this ticking time bomb of a man who explodes for the smallest reasons. And as the months, weeks, and years go by, he grows increasingly furious and violent.
“Is this really what you want Cole to think is acceptable behavior? Do you really want him believing it’s okay for him to be so disrespectful to a woman when he grows up?” I ask.
Ryan’s face is turning purple and he’s getting that sneer that signals we’re entering dangerous territory. I shouldn’t be pushing him like this. Not in front of Cole, but I’m so upset at being so terribly disrespected I can’t seem to control my mouth. I’ve finally reached the end of my tether with Ryan and his attitude.
Cole murmurs around with a mouthful of carrot and I look over at him, my love for my sweet boy overwhelming me. It’s then that I realize that I can’t let this all play out in front of him. He doesn’t need to see his father getting angry with me. The lessons I want him to learn, about being kind and respectful, aren’t going to be best served by watching his father scream at me.
Blowing out an exasperated breath, I look away, and without a word, I get to my feet and walk into the kitchen. I grab a bottle of beer out of the refrigerator and slam the door behind me. The bottles in the door rattle and clink together as I twist off the top off the bottle and throw it into the trash can on my way out of the kitchen. As I step back into the dining room, Ryan gives me a smirk when I put it down on the table in front of him, harder than necessary, then I retake my seat.
Cole is looking at me, his eyes wide and his face pensive. He can tell something is happening, and it’s scaring him. Wanting to reassure him that everything is all right, I give him a smile.
“Eat your dinner, love,” I say. “Everything’s fine.”
He looks at me, uncertainty coloring his face, but he finally gives me a smile and goes back to his food.
“Everything will be fine when you learn to do what you’re told,” Ryan mutters.
The anger is like acid running through my veins, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from lashing out at him. I bite my tongue hard enough that I wince as the coppery taste of blood fills my mouth. Rather than taking the bait, I pick up my fork and start pushing the food around on my plate, my appetite suddenly gone.
“I spend my day bustin’ ass to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.” Ryan’s voice is colder than ice. “All I ask is that you have dinner ready when I get home and to grab me a beer when I ask. And you can’t even do that without bitchin’ and whinin’.”
“Ryan, let’s not do this here.”
His eyes narrow and he looks at me with an expression of the purest contempt I’ve ever seen before. The pressure in the room thickens the same way it feels outside right before a storm breaks.
“Cole, honey,” I say, turning to my son. “Why don’t you go ahead and start gettin’ ready for bed? I’ll be in to tuck you in soon.”
“Nah. Stay put. It’s time he learns what it is to be a man.”
Cole looks between the two of us, his face etched with fear and uncertainty. I hate Ryan for putting this sweet, innocent boy in the middle of this. I hate him for trying to use our son against me like that.
“It’s okay honey,” I say to him reassuringly. “Go on ahead to your room.”
Cole jumps out of his seat, runs down the hall to his room, and slams the door behind him. Ryan is glaring hard at me, his displeasure written clearly upon his face.
“I told you to keep him here at the table,” he snarls.
“He doesn’t need to see you behaving like a child.”
“He’s my son. I’ll decide what he needs to see and not see.”
“Not while I’m around,” I mutter.
His fork hitting the plate rings out sharply as Ryan leans forward, his gaze burning with a barely controlled fury pinning me to my seat. I swallow hard and sit up straight, summoning up the nerve to refuse him intimidating me. He’s done it for too many years already, and I’m through with it. The moment he put his hands on me was the moment I decided that things are going to change.
“And who in the fuck do you think you are?” He glares at me.
“I’m the mother of your child. I’m supposedly your girlfriend, too,” I spit. “I’m not your goddamn punching bag, Ryan.”
His expression turns incredulous. “Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic? I hit you once. And I apologized for it. It’s not like it’s a constant thing. I was pissed and you pushed me that far, Ashley.”
“Oh, right. It was my fault. How dare I make you slap me.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Am I?”
Ryan’s expression is sour as he takes a long swallow of the beer that I brought him earlier, his eyes never leaving mine.
“This isn’t working anymore, Ryan.”
“What’s not?”
“This. Us. Our entire situation,” I tell him. “You’re not happy. I’m not happy. And it’s affecting Cole.”
“It’s a rough patch. We’ll be fine.”
“No. We won’t be. We’re not going to be fine if you don’t stop drinking,” I tell him. “And not if we don’t start going to counseling together.”
Ryan drains the last of his bottle and slams it down on the table. He looks at me with utter disgust on his face.
“Counseling? Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”
“I’m not. I’ve been thinking about this for a while—”
“That’s your problem right there,” he interrupts me. “You think too damn much. You always have. You get these stupid, fucked-up ideas in your head, and you think about them, then talk to those bitches who wind you up and set you after me.”
I sit back, staring at him like he’d just slapped me across the face again. Getting him to go to counseling is the last hope I have to save this relationship. Admittedly, it is a far-fetched hope to begin with, but it is the last thing I’ve been clinging to. And now, he’s just ripped that away from me.
“So, you’re not willing to get counseling to save this? To save our relationship? Cole and I aren’t worth—”
“I’m not gettin’ fuckin’ counseling, and you ain’t goin’ anywhere, so just shut up about it,” he snaps as if that somehow ends the debate.
Strangely enough, I would have thought the end of things with Ryan would hurt more. But to be honest, what I actually feel is relief. As I sit there, I ponder what the next steps are and what the future holds. It’s a blank slate and I can do anything I want. I can go anywhere. I can finally get out of Erwin, Georgia if I wanted to. And I do. Very much so. I was born and raised here, but I’m sure as heck not going to die here if I can help it.
Ryan’s voice snaps me out of my reverie. Looking up at him, I see the twisted, angry expression that’s contorting his features, and it’s only then that I realize I’ve got a smile on my face.
“You hear me? You ain’t goin’ anywhere. And you sure as shit ain’t takin’ my boy anywhere.”
“Ryan, we’re over. Whatever we had once upon a time is dead. It has been for some time, and I think you know that. We should just part ways now and not let this resentment between us continue to build. It’s not good for us, and it’s definitely not good for Cole.”
“I don’t think you’re hearin’ me. You ain’t goin’ anywhere, and we ain’t splittin’ up. You got that?”
“Yes. We are,” I tell him. “This is over.�
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He moves so quickly I don’t even have time to react before I hear the bottle smashing into the wall behind me. The spray of beer and glass rains down over me and then Ryan is on his feet, knocking the table askew as he rushes to me. The scream that starts to burst from my mouth is cut off by his hand around my throat, yanking me out of my seat.
The breath is forced from my lungs with an “oomph” when he slams me into the wall. The cold, wet beer on the wall is soaking through my t-shirt and sticking to my skin uncomfortably. Ryan leans close to me, his nose scant inches from mine, and the stench of his tobacco and beer breath washing over me in warm waves so thick, I have to keep myself from gagging.
“This is how it is. You’re stayin’ put. You’re gonna have dinner on the table when I get home every night, and the house clean. You’re gonna fuck when I want to fuck, and you ain’t gonna keep talkin’ outta turn like you are,” he says, his voice low and menacing. “You’re gonna respect me as the head of this goddamn household and the bread winner, as you should. And you’re sure as hell gonna put this stupid splittin’ up shit outta your head. You ain’t leavin’ me. You ain’t takin’ my boy anywhere. Now, you got it?”
I glare at him and lift my chin in defiance. “I’m done letting you scare me, Ryan. I’m done letting you tell me what to do. But most of all, I’m done being with you.”
My head is suddenly jerked to the side and pain erupts in my face as I hear the sharp crack of flesh meeting flesh. My cheek is hot, and it stings like hell, but all I can do it stare at him. Ryan looks somewhat startled for a moment as if in disbelief that he’d hit me. Again. But the expression quickly melts away, replaced by one of pure disgust and contempt.
He squeezes my throat, cutting off my air as if to underscore his point. My eyes bulging and the feeling of lightheadedness descending over me, all I can do is nod. If I hadn’t, he very likely would have kept going until I passed out. Or killed me. One of the two. The look of an almost maniacal glee in his eyes tells me that he’s lost control or is on the verge of it. And when he gets like that, there’s no telling what he’ll do or how far he’ll go. He’s unpredictable when he’s enraged.
Ryan stares into my eyes for another long moment and I see the darkness creeping in at the edges of my vision. He finally lets go of me, but before he does, he slaps me across the face once more. I fall to my hands and knees, choking and wheezing, sucking in deep lungfuls of air. Slowly, the waves of dizziness start to pass, and I retreat from the edge of passing out. He gives me another moment, but then roughly yanks me to my feet.
“That slap was just so you remember this. And know your place. It wouldn’t have to be like that, but you’re forcin’ my hand, Ashley. Goddamn you for makin’ me do shit like that. But the sooner you settle down and be the kind of woman I want and deserve, the better off we’ll all be. You got me?”
Shocked by his savagery and the anger I see in his face, I simply nod. He lingers there for another moment, staring deep into my eyes. Satisfied that he’s made his point, he turns and walks toward the living room.
“Clean this shit up,” he calls over his shoulder.
A moment later, the television goes on and I hear the cheering of some sporting event he’s watching, leaving me there feeling completely shattered and more scared than I’ve ever been.
As I stand there, in that moment, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I try to leave, he’ll kill me.
Chapter Three
Ashley
“Girl, he isn’t gonna kill you,” Maggie says. “He’s a coward and a lot of other things, but he’s not a killer.”
“You didn’t see him last night, Mags. He was… crazed. I really think he would have killed me if I hadn’t backed down. As it is, he slapped me. Again. Twice this time. Hard. He wasn’t playing around.”
“That son of a bitch,” she mutters.
We’re sitting at Maggie’s dining room table. She lives just a couple of streets over, so I packed Cole up this morning after Ryan left for work and have been pouring my heart out to her all day. As she looks at me, her face clouds over and there’s genuine sympathy in her eyes, as well as a flash of white-hot anger.
Maggie, a tall, willowy blonde with a body to die for and more men in her life than she can keep track of, has been one of my very best friends since grade school. Together with our friend Missy, we were the power trio back in our halcyon days of high school, back when the boys all wanted to sleep with us and the girls all wanted to be us. It was the high point of my life, sadly enough.
Back then, we believed the three of us could, and would, take over the world. We all had big dreams. We’d all said we were tired of being poor and decided we were going to be rich, and that we’d all get the heck out of Erwin. You can’t really dominate the world from a small, podunk town like Erwin, can you?
Of the three of us, only Missy had actually escaped the bondage of our hometown. She’d gone to California to chase her silver screen dreams. She’d gotten a few parts here and there but nothing major. Eventually, she had left Hollywood to settle down with a stuntman she’d met on one of her films. Missy has a family now and is living a nice life, though she’s as far from the dreams of world domination as Maggie and I are. But then, maybe she feels like she’s won, anyway.
Like me, Maggie had married shortly out of high school. Leonard was a good guy and I liked him a lot. Cancer took him way too young. Now, she’s a successful lawyer, content playing the field, and having a good time doing it. And as much as I hate to say it, I envy her that. But then, the truth us, I envy Missy and her staid and domestic life. She’s got a gorgeous and incredibly loving husband and has a good life out there.
And what do I have other than a cold an abusive boyfriend? I’ve got no career to speak of. Although I am educated, I’ve got no particular skills and even limited experience in my field. Getting a job in my field right now would be pretty much next to impossible. About the only good thing to come out of this relationship is Cole. He’s the light of my life and my entire world. My little boy is the only thing I feel like I’ve done right in this life.
I glance over at Cole, who’s parked in front of the TV watching cartoons. He’s laughing and singing along with the characters and the music. My eyes sting and my vision blurs as they well with tears.
“You need to get out of here, Ash. If he’s slapping you now, it’s not going to be long before he can justify beating on you with a closed fist,” she says.
“He’s already justifying it,” I reply. “Says it’s my fault. That I push him too far.”
“See? All the more reason for you to take Cole and get the hell out of Erwin.”
The tears fall and I can’t seem to stop them. I wipe them away, but they’re replaced by more in the next heartbeat. Maggie pulls me into an embrace, and I bury my face in her shoulder, doing my best to stifle my sobs so as to not scare Cole. I glance over her shoulder and see him looking back at me, quiet concern on his precious, innocent face.
“Mama okay?” he asks.
Sitting back, I quickly blink back my tears and wipe my face. I give Cole my best reassuring smile.
“Mama’s fine,” I assure him. “Everything’s okay. Just watch your cartoon, baby.”
Cole looks at me for another long moment before turning back to the television. I turn back to Maggie and she gives me a weak smile.
“He’s too smart for his own good already,” she says.
“He’s definitely too smart for my own good.”
She sighs and takes my hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I told you a year ago that you needed to get out of there.”
A frown pulls my lips downward and I nod. She had told me, had warned me that things were going to get worse if I didn’t do something like pack up and leave, and I didn’t listen.
“I wanted to believe he’d change, Mags. I wanted to believe we could work through this.”
“You’ve been hoping and waiting for him to change for years now, honey
. I hate to break it to you, but that asshole is never going to change. He is who he is,” she tells me, and not for the first time.
“He didn’t used to be like this. You knew him back then. You knew how different he was. How kind he used to be.”
She purses her lips. “He did used to be different. But that was then. This is now,” she says. “He never fully recovered from his injury. Not up here, or down here.”
Maggie tapped her head and her heart to emphasize her point. And she’s right. The injury healed and he’s suffered no ill effects from the fusion surgery. But it’s his mind and his heart that never recovered. He’s changed because of it and definitely not for the better. It’s something Maggie has been telling me for some time now, and something that deep down inside, I know in my own heart.
But I keep wanting to believe he’ll change. I keep wanting to believe he’ll find his way out of whatever dark place he’s wandered into.
“If he hasn’t changed by now, he’s not going to, Ash. This is who he is now. It’s who he’s always going to be,” she reiterates.
I bite my bottom lip and look away. Deep down, I know that. Have known that for a long time. And mixed in with wanting to believe that he can—and will—change, I have to admit that I haven’t left because I’m afraid. Looking up at Maggie, I keep gnawing on my lower lip to keep it from trembling. And when I speak, I pitch my voice low to keep Cole from overhearing me. It would probably only scare him, which will add to my own heaping pile of anxiety.
“I’m scared, Mags. If I leave, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
She squeezes my hand tighter. “You’ll figure that out, hon. The first step of this journey is to get you and Cole out of here. Do you really want him growing up around that? Do you want Cole thinking that Ryan is the example of a man? Do you want him learning to be like his father?”
I shake my head vigorously. “God, no. You know I don’t.”
“Then, you know what you have to do.”
