by Ivy Black
I picture his mouth crashing against mine, feel his tongue dashing against my own, feeling that connection building between us as I ram my fingers into me. The sound of my whimpers echo around the tiled bathroom, the pressure building up low inside of me as I continue to plunge my fingers deep into my pussy, the image of Max fucking me driving me absolutely wild.
The water in the bathtub splashes onto the floor as I keep pumping my fingers into my pussy, my moans growing louder. I try to stifle them, conscious of waking Cole up, but the feeling is just too amazing. My skin feels like it’s on fire, and my heart is beating wildly.
I picture myself on top of Max, rolling my hips as I ride him. I feel his hands and mouth on my breasts as I impale myself upon his rigid staff. His moans are low and gruff as I rise and fall on him, fueling the heat and passion in me. I pump my fingers into myself even harder, pushing myself closer to the brink. In my mind’s eye, I writhe on top of him, reveling in the feel of having him so deep inside of me.
“Max,” I moan softly. “God, yes.”
I plunge my fingers as far into me as I can go and pause, feeling my entire body tighten up. I press my head back against the tub, squeezing my eyes shut tight as I start to quiver. A moment later, I feel weightless. As my orgasm crashes down over me, I bite on the side of my hand to keep from crying out loud. I bite so hard, I’m half-afraid I’m going to taste blood.
My entire body shakes wildly as I cum, Max’s name upon my lips. A quavering smile sets upon my lips as I ride out the waves of my orgasm. And as it fades like a pleasant dream, so does the image of Max from my mind. I lie there in the water, basking in the afterglow of an orgasm that has shaken me to my core.
As I let the warm water wash over me, I idly wonder what he’d really be like in bed. And as I think about it, part of me wonders if I could just sleep with him without any sort of emotional tie. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, and even longer since I’ve had really good sex, I wonder if I could basically just use him for that. Part of me is sure he’d be fantastic in bed, but I don’t know why. There’s just something about him. He oozes this masculine sexuality that excites me.
I’d never admit it to anybody, least of all to him, but when we were bantering back and forth at the restaurant earlier, by the end of it, I was dripping wet. Which is probably why I was having such an overwhelming need to get off tonight. The idea that I could just sleep with him, use him for my own physical pleasure and needs, is appealing. But in the end, I really don’t know if I can do it. I’ve never been the kind of girl who sleeps around, and I don’t know if I can be that girl now.
Still, the idea is exciting, and if I were going to be that kind of girl, Max would definitely be the kind of guy I’d do it with. As I settle deeper into the water, the bliss I’m feeling is shattered by my cell phone ringing. In the other room.
“Shit,” I mutter.
Afraid it’ll wake Cole, I jump up and carefully step out of the tub, taking care to stay on the bathmat to avoid slipping on the tile. Throwing a towel around myself, I rush out of the bathroom as my phone continues ringing. Snatching it up off the table in the living room, I groan when I see who’s calling, cursing myself for getting out of the tub. With a sigh, I connect the call and press the phone to my ear.
“What do you want, Ryan?”
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line. It goes on so long that I look at the screen to make sure it’s connected. It is.
“Ryan? What do you want?”
“I’m sorry, babe.”
“You’ve said that before. More times than I can count, and yet everything always goes back to normal with you. And by normal, I mean you go back to being an abusive asshole,” I snap.
“I know. I’m just… I’m all fucked up in the head, babe. And I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late for that, Ryan. I’m done.”
“Please, Ash. I’m sorry.”
He sniffs loudly on the other end and his voice breaks. It sounds like he’s crying, which shocks me. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him cry before. Never. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t pull at something inside of me.
“I know I fucked up, Ash. I said some things and did some things that are inexcusable. And I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
He sounds so sincere when he speaks and my eyes well with tears. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep them from falling. Ryan was my first love. He was my first everything. There are good reasons for me being here and well away from him. But hearing him cry, hearing him apologizing and sounding sincere about it, rips at my heart.
“Are you there, babe?”
“I’m here,” I say.
I hit the mute button so he can’t hear me sniffing back my tears. When I have myself back under control, I unmute the call again.
“What do you want, Ryan?”
“I want you to come home. I want you and Cole to come home to me,” he says, his voice cracking.
There’s a sharp pain in my heart as I listen to him speak. I’m trying to stand strong in the face of his apologies, reminding myself that I’ve heard it all before. But then, the voice in the back of my mind whispers to me that Ryan has never sounded so stricken, and so sincerely apologetic before. Everything that voice tells me is true, and it pulls on my heartstrings even harder.
“We’ve been down this road before, Ryan.”
“I know. And I’m begging you to give me another chance, Ash. I’m sorry. Please believe me when I say that I’m sorry.”
“Ryan—”
“Babe, please,” he interrupts. “I’ll do anything to fix this. I’ll go to counseling with you if that’s what you want. I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you and Cole back here with me.”
There’s some small part of me that wants to believe him. That wants to take his apology at face value. There’s a piece of me that still loves him. It’s that piece of me that remembers what he was like when we were younger. When I was a girl. He was my entire world. Ryan was everything to me, and I fell so hard and so deeply in love with him, and no matter what happens, an echo of that is always going to remain. It’s just how it’s going to be. You can’t love somebody as deeply that way and not have a shadow of it on your heart for the rest of your life.
But the fact of the matter is I’ve traveled this road with Ryan before. Many times. Every single time we go down this path, I believe him. I believe things will change. That he will change. And to be fair, for a while, it does. For a little while after we have one of these blowouts, Ryan does change. He’s more thoughtful and loving. He’s more attentive and kinder.
It usually lasts a couple of weeks. Then, like a cancer, his callousness and abusiveness creeps back in, poisoning everything it touches. After that, it’s not long before he’s making his cruel, cutting remarks. And lately, it’s not long before he’s putting his hands on me again.
It’s that stark realization that stops my backward slide. It would be so easy to fall back into things with him. It would be simple to go rushing back to him, falling back into Ryan’s arms and pretending that everything actually would change. It would be so easy to go back to the life Cole and I knew back in Erwin.
But I’m not the same woman anymore, and I’m seeing things differently. You can probably say I’m seeing reality for the first time. I know, on a fundamental level, that if I went back to him, all I would be doing is pretending. Nothing would change. Not permanently, anyway. Like I said, things would change for a little while. He might even go to counseling… for a time. But I’m not delusional, and I know that the natural order of things, as Ryan sees it, will eventually assert itself again and go back to how they’ve always been.
I’m not prepared to go back to that. I’m not prepared to put Cole back in that sort of a situation. Out here, I’ve seen him happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. He enjoys being out here. He enjoys spending time with the twins. I enjoy being out here as well. More than anything, I enjoy seeing C
ole so happy. The only things that matter to me are Cole’s safety and his happiness. And I can guarantee those things better out here more than I can back in Erwin.
“I’m not coming back, Ryan. Please, let’s be done with this. It’s time we part ways and move on with our lives. I want you to be happy.”
“Ash—”
Despite what I know, I feel myself waver anyway. It’s that girl I used to be calling out once more, her voice echoing in my head. I ruthlessly quash her voice though, silencing her. I’m not that girl anymore, and the woman I am now refuses to fall back into that pattern. The woman I am now refuses to be a victim any longer. I’m tired of living my life in fear and living a life under the thumb of a man who thinks it’s acceptable to slap me. A man who thinks that’s the example he should be setting for his son. No, I’m done with that.
“I’m done, Ryan. This is over. We are over. Sign the papers.”
When he speaks again, his voice is hard, and I know that if I were there in the room with him, I’d see his face turning red. His nostrils would be flaring, his eyes narrowing, and the veins in his neck would be standing out. But I’m not there. And I never will be again.
“Don’t you fuckin’ do this, Ash. Don’t you fuckin’ dare,” he spits.
“Sign the papers. And if you’re going to call again, please be respectful. Be mature about this, Ryan. It doesn’t have to be this way.”
“You’re not gonna keep me from my son.”
“If you can’t behave like an adult, if you can’t learn to control your temper or realize that you don’t solve your problems with your fists, then I will most certainly be keeping Cole out of your life. I will not have him growing up thinking that your behavior is acceptable.”
“I’m going to fuckin’ kill you—”
I disconnect the call and drop the phone, feeling the tremor of fear pass through my body. Logically, I know he’s a thousand miles away, doesn’t know where I am, and he can’t actually hurt me. But I can’t lie… the pure hatred in his voice has rattled me. Regardless of whether or not he can actually follow through with it, the fact that he hates me so much, that he might actually murder me, is chilling.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I let it out slowly, trying to calm my racing heart. I am safe. Cole is safe. Ryan doesn’t know where we are, and he can’t actually hurt us. I try to take heart in those words and put them out of my mind, but I can’t keep them from echoing around in my mind, anyway.
My life is out here now. I’m a new woman in a new place, starting a new life. It’s a life full of possibilities. It’s a blank slate and I can do whatever it is I want to do. Free and unencumbered. Free of the abuse and torment that used to be a part of my everyday life with Ryan. I can do whatever I want to do and be whoever I want to be.
Things aren’t perfect right now, and there are still a lot of questions left to be answered. There are a lot of things that need to be done to get to where I want to be. But for the first time in my life, I know where I want to be, and I’m taking the steps I need to get there. It’s going to be a slow, arduous process that will be full of stops and starts, but the point is, I’m heading down that road. It’s a thought that fills me with excitement, joy, and optimism.
For the first time in my life, my future is wide open, and I’m excited by the sheer prospect of what’s to come. Of being the woman that I want to be. I can even be a woman who uses a man like Max for my own personal pleasure if I want to.
It’s a thought that brings a smile to my face as I walk back to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Chapter Fourteen
Domino
“Jesus Christ, didn’t we talk about this the other day?” Ashley says with exasperation in her tone.
I give her a wolfish smile. “What can I say? Y’all make the best breakfast food in town. I’ve become addicted.”
She rolls her eyes and looks at me. “Seriously, why are you here?”
“I’m here for breakfast. Same as all these other fine folks.”
“Yeah, well, all these other fine folks aren’t here, like, stalking or pestering me.”
“Pestering and stalking you? Me?”
I spread my hands out in front of me, giving her the best look of innocence I that can muster. The incredulous expression on her face tells me she’s not buying it, which makes me laugh. Stopping by and hassling Ashley hadn’t been on my agenda today, but when I was rolling down Harrison and saw the Golden Gate, I just felt compelled to stop in. There’s something about her that’s compelling to me. It’s almost like she’s a drug and I kind of needed a fix this morning or something. It sounds trite, but there’s no other way for me to really explain it.
“Didn’t I already tell you that this thing, this—whatever it is you have in your head about us—is like, never going to happen?”
“You did. But you didn’t exactly sound entirely convinced yourself,” I tell her. “So, I came to give you another chance to reconsider your position.”
“Reconsider my position?”
“Yeah. Have dinner with me tonight.”
She’s wearing an expression of surprise, but there’s a faint upward curl to her lips I find encouraging. Then, she bursts into laughter.
“You really are ridiculous. You do know that, don’t you?” she asks.
“That’s not a no.”
She turns to go, rolling her eyes at me, though she continues to give me a grin that’s half amused and half annoyed.
“Hey, aren’t you going to take my order?” I ask.
She stops and turns back to me. “Country fried steak, hash browns extra crispy, two eggs over easy, sourdough toast with grape jelly, coffee, and a large orange juice.”
I nod, my smile even wider. “You remember. I’m flattered.”
“Don’t be, I’ve just got a good memory. It’s why I’m good at this job.”
“Maybe so, but I still think it means something.”
“It means I’m observant. You’re a guy who relies on routine, so I figure that extends to your food choices.”
I cock my head and look at her. “And how do you figure that?”
“I noticed the way you arrange your silverware and your napkin. The way you arrange all of the things on top of the table, making sure everything is neat and orderly. Precise. You’re pretty obsessive-compulsive about it. And in my experience, people who are kind of like that tend to prefer routine in all things,” she says, giving me a slight shrug.
“What are you, a shrink?”
“I have a degree in Psychology, yes.”
Before I can say anything else, she turns and walks away, leaving me there staring after her. I look down at the tabletop and see that everything is, in fact, lined up and orderly. I guess the need for order is so strong in me that I never even notice that I do it. It’s just an involuntary reflex or something, I suppose. But I’m still kind of blown away that she noticed it after one time here.
She really is observant and had an insight about me that I never knew about myself. But then, if she’s got a degree in psych, maybe she’s trained to look for that sort of behavior or something. I don’t know. How she knows it, I’m kind of blown away by it all the same.
She comes over and drops off my coffee and orange juice at my table and starts to walk away, but I stop her. She turns around and looks at me with exasperation on her face.
“What?” she asks.
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
“And what question was that?”
“Dinner. You and me. Tonight,” I say.
“You don’t take no for an answer, do you?”
“I might. But you never actually said no,” I remind her.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I don’t deny that. But you’re dodging and deflecting now.”
“Oh, is that what I’m doing?”
She walks away again, laughing to herself. At least it seems like she’s sort of starting to warm up. There’s a crack in that
wall of ice around her. It’s slight and small, but it’s definitely there. She’s doing her best to maintain that façade of cold contempt, but it’s not very convincing, to say the least.
I watch her buzzing around to the other tables, talking and laughing with her guests. She’s got a beautiful smile that really lights up her face. What I wouldn’t give to see her show me that smile. She’s a tough nut to crack, that’s for sure. But I will crack her. One way or another, sooner or later, I will definitely crack her. Like I said, I love a good challenge.
I swallow down my coffee and wave my mug in the air, catching her attention. I can see her shake her head to herself, but she goes behind the counter and grabs the pot. A moment later, she comes to my table and refills my mug.
“Why do you hate me?” I ask.
“I don’t even know you. I certainly don’t hate you.”
“Oh, well that’s good. That’s a good starting point then.”
“It’s not a starting point for anything. It’s just stating a fact.”
I shrug. “Potayto, potahto.”
She puts her hand on my hip and stares at me. “You’re pretty cocky for a guy who’s been shot down a hundred times already.”
“I don’t think we’ve reached a hundred.”
“Will you give up if we do?”
I arch an eyebrow at her. “I never give up. Not when there’s something I want in my sights.”
She laughs softly and I see that sparkle in her eyes again that makes me think she’s simply putting on the playing hard to get act. That she enjoys being pursued. And that’s all good with me. Half the fun is in the chase. It’s always the best part of any sort of burgeoning romance, if you ask me.
“Is that so?” she asks.
I nod. “You’ll find that the word ‘quit’ isn’t in my vocabulary.”
“And maybe one day you’ll find out there’s a different between being persistent and being annoying, bordering on creepy as hell.”
