‘You mean they’re back?’
‘Yes, sir.
‘You amaze me. I thought we’d seen the last of that comedy duo. What brought them?’
‘I informed Constable Evans on the telephone that the person I allude to was in residence at the castle, Mr Galahad. You will recall that I expressed to you my belief that he was a criminal and an impostor.’
‘I remember that you did gibber along the lines you have indicated, but I thought I had reasoned you out of that silly idea.’
‘I have returned to it, sir.’
‘Well, you’re wrong, of course, and those constables are going to blush hotly when they realise what asses they’ve made of themselves, but if they want Whipple, they’ll find him down at the lake. He went to have a swim before dinner.
‘Thank you, Mr Galahad. I will notify the officers.’ The door closed. Gally uttered an impatient snort. ‘What a curse zeal is! It’s what makes Clarence disapprove of you so much. Beach has been zealous since he was a young under-footman. Never lets well alone. There have been lots of complaints about it. Well, this means we’ll have to cut the Sam—Huxley sequence.’
‘I was thinking the same thing myself.’
‘Not that it matters. I can bend Clarence to my will perfectly adequately without it.’
And the lamb Sam? What do we do about him?’
‘We get him away.’
‘So I should think, with this troupe of bloodhounds after him.’
‘There’s nothing to keep him here now that you and he have ironed out your little difficulties. Go and pick him up at the shed and take him to the garage and let him select the best car he sees there and drive to London. And tell him that speed is of the essence.
‘So he’s stealing cars now as well as bicycles?’
‘Yes, he’s getting into the swing of the thing capitally. What are you waiting for?’
‘I’m not waiting. I’m just going.’
‘Well, go. And I,’ said Gally, ‘will be off to see Clarence.’
CHAPTER 12
I
With an interview of major importance before him, the prudent man does not act precipitately. Someone younger and less experienced might have hastened immediately to Lord Emsworth’s study without pausing to prepare himself, but Gally knew that on these occasions a stimulus is required if one is to give of one’s best. His first move, accordingly, after Sandy had left him, was to make for the drawing—room. The cocktails there would, he feared, by now be mostly ice water, but there was no time for the leisurely glass of port in Beach’s pantry which he would have preferred, and he had always been a man who could rough it when he had to.
The martini which he proceeded to pour proved an agreeable surprise. It did not bite like a serpent and sting like an adder, but it was not without a certain quiet authority, and he had taken it into his system and was feeling much invigorated, when the door opened and his sister Hermione appeared.
Anyone who had seen Lady Hermione as little as ten minutes ago would have been astounded by her demeanour as she entered the room, for ten minutes ago she had been in the poorest of shapes. The failure of her expedition to the Garden Suite had left her shaken, and running over the details of the disaster in her mind as she sat in her boudoir she was still quivering. She seemed to hear once again her nephew Wilfred’s sudden outburst of song, and she shuddered as she recalled it. That horrible noise had set every nerve in her body a-tingle. It would be too much, perhaps, to say of a woman of her strong character that she had the heeby-jeebies, but she was certainly emotionally disturbed. A psychiatrist, seeing her, would have rubbed his hands gleefully, scenting lucrative business.
But now her agitation had subsided and she was calm again. Smug, too, thought Gally as he eyed her. Acquaintance with her from their nursery days had made him expert at analysing her various moods, and he did not like the current one at all. Her air seemed to him the air of a sister who had that extra ace up her sleeve which makes all the difference. Nevertheless, he greeted her with a cordial ‘Hullo, there’ and prepared himself for whatever might be going to befall by taking another martini and water.
The action drew from her a sniff of disapproval.
‘I thought I should find you near the cocktail shaker, Galahad.’
‘You wanted to see me?’
‘Yes, there are several things I have to say to you.
‘Always glad of a chat.’
‘I doubt if you will like this one.’
‘Have you come to tell me that Dame Daphne Winkworth has tied a can to Wilfred?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘She isn’t taking him on as a music master.’
‘Indeed? No, I had not heard. But it was not Wilfred that I wanted to talk about.’
‘Then would you mind saying what you do want to talk about? I’m a busy man and I have a hundred appointments elsewhere. I can’t give you more than five minutes.’
‘Five minutes will be ample.’
Lady Hermione sat down, and the smugness of her manner became more pronounced. Gally, who had been trying to think who it was that she reminded him of, suddenly got it. The Fat Boy in Pickwick. She had only to say ‘I want to make your flesh creep’, and the resemblance would be complete.
A few minutes ago Veronica rang me up on the telephone.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘She was radiantly happy. She had just been having a long talk with Tipton.’
‘Oh, yes?’
‘And to cut a long story short—”
‘Always a good thing.’
‘— He told her he had read that letter—’
‘The one you dictated?’
‘— And was sure she had not meant a word of it. And of course she said she hadn’t. They are getting married at the registrar’s the day after tomorrow. I very seldom approve of these runaway weddings, but in this case I think they are quite right. I’m afraid their decision affects you a good deal.’
‘You mean about Sam Bagshott?’
‘Is that his horrible name? I had forgotten. Yes, about Sam Bagshott.’
‘What do you plan to do?’
‘What do you expect me to do? I shall tell him to leave the castle immediately, and then I shall go to Clarence and explain what has happened.’
‘I see.’
‘Where is he?’
‘In his study, I imagine.’
‘Not Clarence. This man Bagshott.’
‘Oh, Sam? He was in that little room off the library just now. The one Sandy Callender works in.’
‘Thank you. There is no need for you to come, Galahad,’ she said some moments later, pausing outside the library door.
‘You wouldn’t care to have me as a bodyguard?’
‘I don’t understand you.
‘Sam, when stirred, is apt to plug people in the eye.’
‘I don’t think I am in any danger.’
‘Have it your own way. But be on the alert. The thing to do is to watch his knees. They will tell you when he is setting himself for a swing. Keep your guard up and remember to roll with the punch.’
‘Thank you. Goodbye, Galahad,’ said Lady Hermione coldly.
She went in and Gally, closing the door behind her, turned the key in the lock and trotted briskly away. His schedule called for quick action. He was sorry to have had to inconvenience his sister, but it was imperative that she remain in storage until the conclusion of his business talk with his brother Clarence. And the inconvenience would after all be slight. There were comfortable chairs for her to relax in and several thousand good books to curl up with if she wanted something to help her pass the time. It was with no burden on his conscience, such as it was, that he set out for Lord Emsworth’s study.
His route lay through the spacious hall where the ‘No smoking’ and ‘Kindly keep in line’ signs had been, and as he descended the stairs he was aware of a measured voice speaking from that direction. It seemed to be urging someone to come to the castle with all
possible speed, and reaching the hall he saw Beach at the telephone. The conversation, whatever its import, had apparently concluded, for the butler, with a polished ‘Thank you, sir. I will inform Dame Daphne,’ was hanging up the receiver.
‘What was all that about, Beach?’ he asked.
‘I was telephoning the doctor on behalf of Master Winkworth, Mr Galahad.’
‘He’s ill, is he? Nothing trivial, I hope?’
‘He has sustained a wounded finger, sir. The Empress bit him.’
‘What!’
‘Yes, sir. I have no information as to how it occurred.’
‘I can fill you in. His one aim in life is to let the Empress out of her sty, and he must have sneaked off to do it, little knowing that she had a bad hangover and was spoiling for a fight with someone. She went on a bender yesterday.’
‘Indeed, Mr Galahad? I was not aware.
‘Yes, she mopped the stuff up like a vacuum cleaner and today is paying the price. One pictures the scene. Huxley steals up and no doubt chirrups. The Empress winces. He continues to chirrup. She approaches the gate, cursing under her breath. He puts his finger in to raise the latch, and she lets him have it. I don’t blame her, do you?’
‘No, sir.’
‘You take the broadminded view? You feel, as I do, that he was asking for it and deserved everything that was coming to him? I thought you would. Best possible thing that could have happened, in my opinion. It will teach him a lesson. I shouldn’t wonder if this didn’t prove a turning point in his life, and if anybody’s life needs all the turning points it can get, it’s his. The occasion, as I see it, is one for sober rejoicing. But I mustn’t stay here chatting with you, much as I enjoy it. I have a business appointment. You don’t happen to know if the constables found Mr Whipple, do you?’
‘No, sir. The officers have not yet returned.’
‘Well, give them my love when they do. Charming chaps, charming chaps,’ said Gally.
He resumed his progress to the study. Opening the door, he halted on the threshold, staring, a startled ‘Lord love a duck!’ on his lips.
II
The sight that met his monocle was one well calculated to cause alarm and concern. Something had plainly occurred to upset the even tenor of his elder brother’s life. Roget, searching in his Thesaurus for adjectives to describe Lord Emsworth as he drooped bonelessly in his chair, would probably have settled for stunned, flustered, disturbed, unnerved and disconcerted. Gally, who had a feeling heart, was disconcerted himself as he saw him, though, looking on the bright side, as was his habit, he felt that whatever had happened must have done his adrenal glands a world of good.
‘Strike me pink, Clarence,’ he exclaimed, ‘what’s bitten you?’
Lord Emsworth, though stunned, flustered and disturbed, was able to see that he was under a misapprehension.
‘It was not I who was bitten, Galahad, it was Daphne Wink-worth’s son, I keep forgetting his name.
‘Yes, so Beach was telling me. But I’m surprised that you’re taking it so hard. I should have thought you’d feel it was just retribution and the wages of sin and all that.’
‘Oh, I do. Yes, quite.’
‘Then why are you looking like the wreck of the Hesperus?’
Gally’s sympathetic attitude was helping Lord Emsworth to become calmer. A kindly brother in whom one can confide always works wonders on these occasions.
‘Galahad,’ he said, ‘I have just been through a most painful experience.’
‘Don’t you mean Huxley has?’
‘It has left me shaken. Have you ever been face to face in a small room with an angry woman?’
‘Dozens of times in my younger days. One of them spiked me in the leg with a hatpin. Yours didn’t do that to you, did she?’
‘Eh? Oh, no.’
‘Then you’re that much ahead of the game. Who was your angry woman? It couldn’t have been Hermione, for I happen to know that she is occupied elsewhere, so I take it it was the divine Winkworth. Am I right?’
‘Yes, she burst in on me with the news about her son’s finger, and do you know what she said? You will scarcely credit this, but she said the Empress was a savage and dangerous animal and must be destroyed. The Empress!’
‘Gadzooks! Didn’t you explain to her that the poor soul had a morning head?’
‘I was too flabbergasted. I stared at her for quite a while, unable to speak. Then I fear I was rather rude.’
‘Excellent. What did you say?’
‘I’m afraid I told her not to be a fool.’
‘You couldn’t have done better. And then?’
A violent argument followed, in the course of which I became still ruder. In the end she said she would not stay another day in the castle and flounced off.’
‘What-ed off? Oh, flounced? I see what you mean.
‘I think what caused her particular annoyance was that while we were talking I telephoned the vet to ask if there was any danger of infection to the Empress.’
A very sensible precaution.’
‘It appeared to infuriate her. We both became very heated. I ought to have shown more restraint. I shouldn’t have offended Daphne.’
‘Why not? It was the consummation devoutly to be wished. Dash it, Clarence, you were in deadly peril from this woman. Already she had told you she was interested in pigs, and from there to getting you to the altar rails would have been but a step. Your attitude seems to me to have been exactly right. If poor Puffy Benger had had your courage and resolution, he wouldn’t today be the father of a son with adenoids and two daughters with braces on their teeth. You have removed the Winkworth from your life. The shadow has passed. You have won through to safety.’
‘Bless my soul, I never thought of that.’
‘If you feel like doing the dance of the seven veils all over the castle, I shall have no objection. But you still have a careworn look. Why is that?’
‘I was thinking of Hermione.’
‘What about Hermione?’
‘She will have something to say, I fear.’
‘Well, when she says it, show the same splendid firmness you did in dealing with Ma Winkworth. Who’s Hermione? A woman you have frequently seen spanked by a Nanny with a hairbrush. If she starts getting tough, remind her of that and watch her wilt. A fig for Hermione, if I may use the expression. Her views on the matter in hand don’t amount to a hill of beans.’
Lord Emsworth’s mild eyes glowed.
‘You’re great comfort, Galahad.’
‘I try to be, Clarence, I try to be.’
Lord Emsworth fell into a meditative silence, but Gally’s assumption that he was thinking of his sister and inwardly rehearsing things to say to her — probably out of the side of his mouth — was incorrect. When he spoke, it was of the Empress.
‘What I cannot understand, Galahad, is how that boy was allowed to approach the sty. Miss Simmons positively assured us that she would be on the alert to see that he didn’t. If I remember, she said in so many words that she would rub his face in the mud if he attempted to come near the Empress.’
Gally saw that the time had arrived to tell all.
‘I’m afraid I have some bad news for you, Clarence. Miss Simmons is no longer with us. She’s gone to London to get married.’
‘What!’
‘Yes, she’s marrying Wilfred Allsop. You’re losing a pig girl but gaining a niece.’
Lord Emsworth’s eyes, no longer mild, shot fire through his pince-nez.
‘She had no right to do such a thing!’
‘Well, you know, love conquers all, or so I read somewhere. I suppose she couldn’t resist the urge.
‘But who will look after the Empress?’
He had brought the conversation round to the exact point which Gally desired.
‘Why, who but Augustus Whipple?’ he said. ‘I’m sure he will be delighted to act as understudy till you can fill the part elsewhere.’
Lord Emsworth blessed his soul.
<
br /> ‘But, Galahad, do you think he would?’
‘Of course he will. There are no limits to what Gus Whipple will do to oblige people he’s fond of, and I know he feels that you and he have started a beautiful friendship. He will have to return to London shortly, but while he’s still here you can rely on him. A nice chap, don’t you think?’
‘Capital, capital. Quite. But why should he have to return to London?’
Gally glanced over his shoulder. The study door was closed. He could not be overheard.
‘This is all very hush-hush, Clarence.
‘What is?’
‘What I am about to tell you. Whipple has got to go to London to try to raise some money. I know you will let this go no farther, but the poor fellow’s heavily in debt, and what makes it worse is that the debt is one of honour. He got into a poker game at the Athenaeum the other night, and you don’t need me to tell you what that means at a place like the Athenaeum, where they play for high stakes. Many a bishop there has come away without his apron and gaiters after an all-night session. Whipple lost his shirt. He gave IOUs to half a dozen of the members, and if he welshes on them, they’ll kick him out of the club without a pang of pity.’
Lord Emsworth’s pince-nez were bobbing at the end of their string like adagio dancers.
‘You shock me, Galahad! How much does he need?’
A thousand pounds. What you would consider a mere trifle, but to him a colossal sum. Let us hope he will succeed in borrowing it somewhere.’
‘But, Galahad! Why didn’t he tell me?’
‘Why you?’ Gally paused, astounded by a bizarre thought that had come to him. He looked at Lord Emsworth incredulously. ‘You don’t mean you would lend him the money?’
‘Of course I will. The man who wrote On The Care Of The Pig! I’ll write a cheque immediately.’
Gally’s face lit up. He rose from his chair, patted his brother twice on the shoulder and sat down again, plainly overcome.
‘Well, that would certainly be the ideal way of putting everything right. It never occurred to me to think of you. But there’s just one thing. You had better make the cheque payable to me. Whipple is a very proud man and though I know he’s extremely fond of you, you are after all a comparative stranger to him. He might refuse to accept money from you, but if an old friend like me offered it to him, that would be different. You see what I mean?’
Galahad at Blandings Page 18
