by Cameron Jace
Tom kept listening.
“Having managed to escape Wonderland and faking a new life in this awful world doesn’t mean you don’t want to have your revenge,” she said. “Trust me, if you don’t let the madness out, you’ll end up like the Muffin Man, confused, not knowing who you are, and then you’ll die miserably.”
Tom was beginning to see where this was going.
“My plan is simple,” she said. “To get you to replace your human superiors, to replace your presidents, and to rule instead.”
A long silence fell on the room.
“Think about it.” She eyed everyone. “What good has any human done to the world? All this poverty, war, and—ahem—madness they’ve caused. Humans think they can rule, but they’re just jub jubs, doing a lousy job. It’s time for us to rule this world.” She raised her hands in the air, the tension rising in the meeting hall. “It’s time for us to spread the madness!”
Tom shared the claps and enthusiasm of the crowd. He felt silly, but he also felt he needed it.
“And we’re not going to try to do a better job of what the failed humans did,” she elaborated. “We’ll make it worse. We’ll make the poor become poorer.”
“Yeah!”
“The rich become filthy freakin’ richer!”
“Yeah.”
“We’re going to turn humans into second-class citizens, if not animals.”
“Yeah!”
“We, Wonderlanders, are going to rule the world!”
“Yeah!” hailed Tom. How he wished he was really part of this revolution of madness.
“And to start the Wonderland Wars,” she said, “we’re going to spread our insanity bit by bit until no insane person is locked away anymore.”
Tom clapped like everyone else. He realized that he might be as mad as everyone else. Maybe he wasn’t destined to direct an asylum. Maybe he was destined to be one of the great Wonderlanders.
He pulled out his bottle and spilled the pills on the floor. He didn’t need them anymore. He didn’t need to suppress his madness and hide from everyone. Instead, he needed to celebrate it like the Queen of Hearts did.
With anticipation, he awaited what was going to happen to the world in the coming days.
79
TWO DAYS LATER,
THE PILLAR’S CELL, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM
“You’re all I have in this world,” I tell the Pillar, having asked Dr. Truckle for permission to visit him.
“I wouldn’t count on that,” he says, smoking his hookah. “At some point, I will leave you in all this mess, Alice. I am just guiding you until you find your purpose.”
“Fair enough. I don’t like you that much anyway,” I tease him.
“Never liked me that much, too.” He rolls his eyes. “So did you make up your mind, whether you’re one of them or against them?”
“I’m on Lewis’ team all the way,” I say. “I saw them in the dream. Lewis, Fabiola, that mysterious girl, Jack, and the March Hare. I am going to find them all and gather them to face Black Chess before they mess up this beautiful world.”
“Beautiful?” The Pillar raises an eyebrow. “I thought it was a mad world.”
“Mad is beautiful,” I say. “It has its flaws, but when shared with the good-hearted, it’s beautiful.”
“So, you’re going to continue to save lives next week?”
“Like I did this week,” I say. “I know you think it’s just a rabbit, but I am very okay with having saved one.”
“Rabbits are cute.” He took a drag from his hookah. “Just stop following them into their holes.”
I let out a light laugh. “You’re definitely right about that.”
“Did Margaret tell you about who this Hatter may be?”
“Nah. She just made her offer, and I refused.”
“And you’re sure you don’t have grudges against people, having been put in the circus with the others in the past?”
“First of all, I am not sure that happened. Second, there is no point in holding grudges. Some people kill and do horrible things; other people are most lovable in this world. I need to learn how to tune my inner compass to find the good ones.”
“That’s poetic.”
“How about you, Pillar?”
“What about me?”
“Were you in the circus as well?” It’s an important question to me. I wonder if I’ll ever understand his motives.
“I was.” He nods, but he seems wary about talking about it. I wonder what they did to him. “I am surprised you didn’t see me in your dream—or whatever that Wonderland portal was. Which reminds me, do you still have that Wonderland map on your phone?”
“Nah, it stopped working when I woke up,” I say. “Why? Looking for something?”
“It’s just that there was this store that sold music in Wonderland.”
“What about it?”
“Instead of selling CDs, they sold flamingos that memorized every tune in a certain album,” he says. “So you go pay for the latest Taylor Swift album, and they give you a flamingo...”
“Who sings all the Taylor Swift songs?” I laugh. “That’s bonkers. But you can still buy any song here in real life.”
“The one song I am looking for, you can only find in Wonderland.”
“Really? What’s it called?”
“‘What if God Was Mad Like Us, Just a Nut Like Most of Us.’”
80
ALICE’S CELL, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM
Back in my cell, I sit next to my silent Tiger Lily and enjoy the silence. There is this strange feeling that follows every episode of madness I encounter; it’s that euphoric feeling of I’m great. I managed to survive another day in this insane world.
What a great feeling.
I plan to sleep today, continue my Mush Room sessions with Waltraud tomorrow, then wait for a new mission around next week. Let’s step it up a notch, Queen of Hearts!
For my own sanity and safety, I make sure Lewis’ key is still hidden in the wall of the cell. It is, and it should stay safe in here.
I have no idea how I will get the next one, or if I will be able to get back the one with the Queen of Hearts now, but we’ll see what happens.
To put myself to sleep, I sing, “I am a mad, mad girl in a mad, mad world, it’s not a bad, bad thing if I am crazy.”
But suddenly, I hear someone sing it in the cell next to me. It’s not a girl’s voice but a boy’s.
I keep singing, and that boy sings with me.
Slowly, it dawns on me. “Jack?” I whisper to the wall.
“Who else do you think is mad enough about you that he’d voluntarily go in an asylum to be with you?” he says from behind the wall.
I place my two palms on the wall, wanting to hug it, and maybe kiss it. I can’t believe this is true.
“Jack,” I pant. “How did you make it? I thought you were crossing over to the other side.”
“Let’s put it this way,” he says in a smiley voice, “I told the guys in hell to go to hell.”
“Poetic.” I laugh.
“I also told them I’m mad about you, so they suggested I come here,” he says. “They didn’t think I’d do it.”
“But I don’t think anyone can voluntarily come to the asylum. I mean, it’s ironic that if you tell someone you’re mad, they probably won’t believe you.”
“Not until you walk butt naked across the street in front of them,” Jack chirps.
I laugh hysterically.
Then the evil thought hits me that I may just be imagining it.
I turn around and watch my Tiger Lily. She is just standing still. She isn’t talking to me, so Jack must be real.
“I missed you so much, Jack,” I tell him.
“Me too,” he says. “How about we go on a date tomorrow?”
“Date? Where?”
“I managed to slip my name to Waltraud,” he says. “So I’m right behind you in the Mush Room list. Not a bad place to meet.”
; I am floored. Laughing. Happier than ever. I love this goofy and weird guy. He just wants to be with me. What else can I ask for?
“It’s a mad world, Alice,” he says. “But together, we…”
“Together, we can make it through.” I cut in.
“And you know how we’ll do it?”
“Have no clue,” I chuckle.
“By being madder.”
I almost cry out of joy. With all things not making sense, Jack, here next to me, makes the most sense of all.
And even if I am imagining him, I don’t mind. I love you, Jack Diamond, and together we’re about to stand up against Black Chess in the most nonsensical—but greatest—war of all time.
Epilogue
DIRECTOR’S OFFICE, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM
Dr. Tom Truckle, still sipping his favorite mock turtle soup, was watching the Pillar with intent through the surveillance camera.
The Pillar was smoking his hookah as usual. He was wiggling his feet and singing along to a song called “What if God Was Mad Like Us.” Tom actually liked the tune.
What was new? The Pillar was happy as usual, not giving a damn about this world.
But Tom was still puzzled, staring at the invitation he’d received from the Queen to attend the Event.
The invitation that hadn’t been for him.
The invitation that had originally been to Professor Carter Cocoon Chrysalis Pillar.
Why had the Queen of England invited the Pillar to the Event? That puzzled Tom a lot.
He wished he could figure it out, watching the Pillar in his cell twenty-four-seven. But the Pillar never did anything strange or anything that hinted at a clue.
Until now...
Dr. Tom Truckle watched the Pillar stand up and pull out a secret drawer in his favorite couch. From inside, he pulled out a mask of a clown, then a long leather coat, and lastly, a ridiculously long hat.
That among a number of teacups.
Tom squinted, horror filling his eyes. This couldn’t be. This just couldn’t be.
The Pillar sat back on the couch, smoking his hookah and staring at something in his hand. Something Tom couldn’t see without zooming in.
Tom zoomed in, and he could see it.
While the Pillar was humming, “What if God Was Mad Like Us,” he was holding a golden key in his hand. He kept staring at it with a wide smirk from ear to ear on his face, fiddling with the key and smoking his hookah.
The END...
Alice returns in Hookah (Insanity 4)
Thank You
Thank you for purchasing and downloading this insane book (probably three of them at this point—big grin). I’m so happy and grateful to be able to share this story with you, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed making it up!
Talking about making things up, not everything is a figment of my imagination. All locations, including Ha Ha Street, and Piccadilly Circus with its Statue and Arrow, and the incredibly mysterious Garden of Cosmic Speculation, are real (and yes, part of it was modeled after Wonderland, and the public can only access it one day per year, but it doesn’t belong to the March Hare, of course). Maybe you’ll have the chance to visit them someday.
The historical facts about the Circus and the Invisible Plague are sadly true. But in order to not spoil the next book, I’d prefer to elaborate on them later.
And, of course, all the tidbits from Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland riddles are straight from the book, although I have added a few of my own interpretations.
But make no mistake; Zashchishchaiushchikhsya is a real Russian word, which Lewis Carroll was fascinated by in his one and only trip out of England.
The Pinterest page will be updated as the series progresses further. You can see for yourself all the places and riddles Alice and Pillar visited — and a few images of the Invisible Plague, the Garden in Scotland, and a few other interests. You can access it
HERE
Book 4 : HOOKAH
Prologue Part One
TOM QUAD, OXFORD UNIVERSITY
The man in the priest’s outfit landed in the middle of Oxford University in an automobile strapped up in helium balloons.
Students craned their necks up, recognizing the aero-engined car, a British masterpiece powered by aircraft engines that some thought could fly back in the 1920’s.
But never had they seen it hinged on balloons like today.
Against normal laws of physics, the car descended to the ground, and people stared at it as if it was an alien spaceship.
After landing, the man in the priest’s outfit stepped out of the automobile, flashing a broad smile at the world. His hair was swept by a swirling breeze, and his lanky stature was considerably attractive. He looked familiar to the children attending this celebration. His image had been carved in the back of their heads since they first started reading.
There was no mistaking it. The man looked like an uncanny modern-day incarnation of Lewis Carroll.
Not just that. The man had arrived with what every child in the world had been craving for a while—and it wasn’t candy.
“Where are the hookahs?” a child said. “You said you’d bring the Hookah of Hearts!”
Amidst the flashing cameras and the nosey reporters, the man flapped his hands sideways like a living scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. He was about to show them his latest trick.
Behind him, the sky drizzled, not rain but gift-wrapped packages.
“It’s raining hookahs, hallelujah,” The man said in a soft voice.
The hookahs inside the packages, like his car, dangled from hundreds of brightly colored helium balloons.
The children hoorayed and ran toward them, tiptoeing, reaching, and competing for one of their own.
More flashes. TV Cameras. People with microphones broadcasting the frabjous event.
The Hookah of Hearts had been in the market for more than a year. Manufactured by Dodo, a mysterious toy company obsessed with everything Alice in Wonderland—the caterpillar and his hookah in particular.
The children began collecting their presents, ripping apart the wrappers, and pulling out their hookahs.
They began smoking them.
Everyone applauded.
Of course, they weren’t puffing real smoke like adults. Those were mini hookahs. The children sucked on some unique scent -- the flavor of Tiger Lilies -- which was harmless and puffed out bubbles instead of smoke.
Pink bubbles. Blue bubbles. Green bubbles.
Occasionally there was this one bubble that wrote words like who are you? in the air.
The crowd applauded again. Enthusiastic. Feeling fantastic. Some of them even felt... frantastic.
More and more flashes.
The broadcasting cameras rotated back toward the Lewis Carroll look-a-like priest.
He looked incredibly uncomfortable with the cameras, shielding his eyes with his hand. But the cameramen didn’t care. This was even better than paparazzi’s photos.
The reporters wondered how much such an extensive marketing campaign cost the Dodo Corporation.
“Come on. The car and flying hookahs must have cost a fortune. They can’t be real, or…?”
The man wore his smile thinner and said nothing. He looked like he had a toothache, his jaw twitching a little.
Another reporter asked him if it was true that over six million hookahs had been sold worldwide.
Still irritated by the flashes, he continued saying nothing.
However, he responded to the children who had questions about certain functions in the hookahs.
“May I compliment your outfit and makeup, sir.” A young female reporter stuck her microphone—and nose—out of the squeezing crowd. “I mean, you really look like the legendary Lewis Carroll. How is that even possible?”
This time, the priest looked amused. It was the question he’d been waiting for. “Y-y-young la-lady,” he stuttered like Lewis Carroll did in real life. “What makes you think I’m not him?”
Prologue Part Two
Some of the TV crew rolled their eyes at the man’s reply. Others laughed at the unmatched confidence and acting.
But something about him was so original. The way he said the words.
An uncomfortable silence swept over the university. A silence that spread to every TV set in every home all over the world.
Who was this man, really?
“M-my name is Lewis Ca-car-roll.” The man bowed in front of the camera. “A-and I’ve come to bestow my b-b-beautiful madness u-u-upon this world.”
The silence stretched for a few more seconds.
It was like staring at a clown. No one was sure what to expect. Should they have panicked and ran away, or just laughed and said, ‘Haha, of course you are!’
Too many so-called Wonderland Monsters had been to London lately: the creepy Cheshire, the Muffin Man, and the Mad Hatter with his rabbit bomb last week. It had become impossible to dismiss someone claiming he was one of them.
A few kids managed to break the silence, coughing bubbles and flowers from sucking on the hookahs.
Those bubbles weren’t pink. They weren’t blue. They weren’t green.
“Why are the children coughing... red bubbles?” the young reporter asked.
“Silly me. I forgot,” the priest said, stepping back into his flying car and pulling a lever that pumped air into more balloons. “Our Hookah of Hearts, which has already sold more than six million pieces all over the world, well, it’s not just a hookah.” The balloons began to take off again. “This hookah holds a deadly disease like nothing you’ve ever seen.”
Faces began to redden, confused by the man’s continued speech of madness.
Was he joking? Why would the Dodo Corporation send a loon like him to represent them?
