by Sara Alexi
‘To get a better view, she climbed on the bonnet of her car to take the picture. Right, so this Sarah has done nothing against the law, nor has she done anything you would consider stupid or thoughtless. It is a country road but easily wide enough for cars to be parked on both sides of the road and the traffic to flow between them. She has stopped on a long straight section, clearly visible from both directions.’
Dino looks up, his attention held by what he imagines is her ‘barrister’ voice.
‘At that point, turning the corner at the bottom and driving up the hill, was a doddery old lady. Lady Isabella of Worfolk, no less. Coming over the brow of the hill from the top was Speedy Steve, let’s call him. Late back from his lunch break. He was not over the speed limit, nor had he been drinking. They both saw Sarah on the bonnet of her car. Speedy Steve pulled out to go round her, Lady Worfolk, mesmerised by a girl standing on her bonnet, drove towards the middle line, and the two cars clipped each other. Steve, perceiving no harm done, carried on his way without slowing down. Lady Worfolk, however, slammed on her brakes, sending her passenger into the footwell of the car. Meanwhile, a good three car-lengths behind Lady Worfolk was another driver who had just turned the corner at the bottom and was so busy looking at the girl halfway up the hill, standing on the bonnet of her car, that she stopped too late and went into the back of Lady Worfolk.
Everyone was fine, with only cuts and bruises. Except Lady Worfolk, who was an exact old lady and liked to do things by the clock with etiquette and rules. This accident was not part of her schedule, and it would make her late picking up her brother from the airport. In the ambulance on the way to hospital, although there were only superficial injuries, she died of shock.
‘Who was to blame?’ Michelle asks.
Dino looks at Michelle, wondering what this has do to with his Mama’s death.
‘Do you know who blamed themselves the most for Lady Worfolk’s death? Sarah. Even though, by all the rules in the book, she was the one who had taken all the care necessary and broken no laws. She even broke down at the inquest and apologised to Lady Worfolk’s family. Yet she had done nothing wrong. The driver who shunted Lady Worfolk also felt she was to blame and she was prosecuted for ‘driving without due care and attention’. Speedy Steve was charged with leaving the scene and also with driving without due care and attention. But no one was charged with manslaughter.
She stops to breathe. The fish is still nibbling.
‘You know who killed Lady Worfolk, in my opinion?’ she asks.
Dino shakes his head. The lump in his throat is clearing, the moment is passing.
‘Lady Worfolk killed Lady Worfolk. The way she led her life with its rules and procedures left no margin for divergence, so when something unexpected happened, it was a shock, and in this case, one so big she died of it.
‘That is not official, by the way; it was just the way I saw it. Just like the man who base-jumps for fun and one time his parachute doesn’t open, or a matador trampled by a bull, they are all deaths due to lifestyle choices. Some are almost not choices, like Lady Worfolk’s view on life, probably instilled into her, but the matador, the base-jumper, your mum’s foraging, were lifestyle choices.
‘Just because Sarah was there to witness it and turn off the engine and call the ambulance and talk to the ladies before the paramedics arrived does not make her guilty, Any more than you being your mother’s son, accompanying her in her walks and eating picnics with her, and not being there when it happened makes you guilty.’
She falls silent. The fish has been joined by another one.
Dino’s eyes are fixed on Michelle. She must be awesome in court. There is a strange expansion in his chest. The colours around him seem brighter, the rushing sound in his ears has stopped. The lump in his throat feels smaller. He recognises the feeling as “pre-Mama”. A world filled with hope, joy. It takes a moment before he thinks of his Baba. The glimmer of hope shatters. The joy turns black. The space that has just opened inside him fills with hate. Why would his own father heap all that unspoken guilt on him?
‘Why would he do that?’ He spits.
‘Who?’ Michelle does not take her hand from his.
‘Baba. Why would he have me feel guilty of such a thing?’ He can still feel where the weight in his chest had sat just a moment ago. It threatens to return, but he experiences it now as sorrow, not only for the loss of his Mama, but for the loss of his Baba the very same day; the day his Baba turned on him, left him to drown in unspoken guilt, bottomless self-condemnation, blame. Alone.
His head rolls back and he yells the worst swear word of which he can think. Birds rise from the vines and trees, the sound echoes off the harbour walls. This feeling he has had all these years, that he thought was guilt for what he had done, is, in fact, rage. Rage at his father. He knows it was fennel. Third pot from the end, smells like aniseed, Hemlock may look similar, but it does not smell of liquorice. His Mama had taught him this again and again on many of their foraging walks. ‘If in doubt smell it’, she would say. It was fennel. The bad word comes again, breaking open the tension in his throat, cracking open his prison.
Michelle puts her free hand over his; she leans into him, her head touching his.
Chapter 14
Tuesday
They remain motionless for some minutes. Michelle watches the fish silently feeding in the water below. A swell rocks the boat and Dino looks up. Without a word he pries himself loose of Michelle, casts off, starts the motor, and eases them out of the harbour.
Michelle senses a growing discomfort. She has no doubt that what Dino feels for her is real, and her feelings for him certainly are, but how much of what he is experiencing is mingled with the loss of his mum? For his sake, and for her own, she has no desire to be a mother substitute.
The water is as smooth as glass, clear enough to see stones and fish in the shallows. As the boat edges away from shore, the underwater world dissolves into a bottomless blue. Slowly, Michelle is released from the emotional grip Dino’s history had on her. He is sitting at the helm, looking out to sea, the sadness lifting as the minutes pass. She would like to be able to say something to take away his hurt, wrap him in cotton wool and keep him safe for his whole life. She never felt that toward Richard; maybe this is a gentler form of love, more compassionate, perhaps. Michelle reasons that she cannot be fully aware of Dino’s motivations, but she is satisfied that her own are not unhealthy.
A larger fishing vessel passes a good distance out to sea. Michelle watches the waves it creates, rippling, growing bigger until finally, long after the boat has gone, their own craft is rocked, and she grips the side to steady herself. Dino smiles at her, and she is glad he is free of his miserable thoughts.
Leaning over the side, she can see the water is shallower here.
‘Can we fish?’
Dino looks around the boat and shakes his head. ‘No line.’
‘Wow, what’s that?’ Some distance away a slab of grey floats just below the surface. ‘Is it something dead? It’s huge.’
Dino follows her gaze and when he sees what she sees he hastily cuts the engine and stands for a better look.
‘What is it?’ Michelle feels the need to whisper the words. The boat bobs closer. The grey slab is round and flat but with what look like fins laid flat against the water on either side. A flattened fish on its side, but with no tail. Pre-historic. It is the oddest thing Michelle has ever seen.
‘Is it dead?’ she repeats, but as she does so, the huge mass slides beneath the water and then it is gone.
‘Orthayopiskos,’ Dino says, but Michelle is none the wiser.
‘Was it upright or lying on its side? It was very peculiar.’
‘It was sun-bathing.’ He sits again and starts the engine.
‘Oh, hang on, yes, a sunfish. I always thought they were extinct. Wow!’
‘We are near to where you fell down the cliff.’
Michelle searches the water, half expecting to see Do
lly floating like the sunfish, on her side, bloated, legs out straight like a plastic toy. Her heart fills with sadness again and she wants to cry, for the loss of Dolly, for the loss of Dino’s mum, for Richard gone, for the whole sadness that can be life. Why are her moods so volatile these days?
‘Look.’
A cold chill ripples through Michelle’s chest as she turns to see where Dino is pointing but the ice drains away as she sees his finger pointing not at the water, but at the cliff. Her warmth returns; she is back in the moment.
‘There! Isn’t that where we were?’
It all looks pretty much the same to Michelle, but there does seem to be something familiar about the layout of the bushes.
‘What’s the darkness behind that bush there?’ she asks.
‘That’s what I was pointing to.’
‘Oh, it’s a cave or something. How exciting! Let’s go and look.’
‘There are many caves along here. I remember this one. It is close to the sea, easy to get in. You want to climb up where you fell down?’
The cliff looks benign now, harmless. The slope that seemed so steep when she was clinging on to the bushes, desperate not to fall to the rocks below, appears from here as though it would be an easy climb. His words bring Dolly back to mind. It’s going to take a long time for the images to fade. Such a transformation: life to death. Does it really matter even if she is partly substituting for the loss of his Mum? Surely best to take comfort when it’s offered.
Dino brings the boat nearer to the cliff face.
‘It doesn’t go in very far.’ He eases the boat in.
‘Oh, look. That bush, you can see its roots. It would have covered the entrance before it was uprooted.’ The image again of Dolly falling, bushes torn out in her descent, stones bouncing off her rump.
Michelle blinks and is back with Dino, who edges the boat up to a rock and slings a rope over it. The slight breeze pulls the boat away from the rock and puts a little tension on the line.
Dino pulls the line in with one hand and offers the other to Michelle so she can disembark.
The smell is rich, of warm earth and wild flowers. Dino leaps from the bow of the boat onto the rock in a fluid movement.
Michelle negotiates her way towards the cave. Her shoulder begins to ache; partly the memory, she guesses, and partly because she is using handholds above her head. But it is easy enough, and the thrill when she gains the cave’s entrance is one she has not felt since she was a child.
‘Oh, it does go back a ways, and turns a corner.’ She feels Dino’s hands on her hips. The space is only just big enough for them both if they huddle and crouch. Taking little steps, they edge their way in. The roof gets lower. The dark of the cave contrasts with the bright sunshine outside, and for a while nothing can be seen, but slowly their eyes adjust.
‘What’s that?’ Michelle scoops a string of beads from the ground and inspects it. ‘Is it old?’
‘It’s a komboloi.’
‘Yes, I have seen the men playing with them—rosaries. Well, like a rosary anyway. Is it old?’
Dino admires the red beads tipped with silver.
‘They are not new, but they are not ancient.’
‘I wonder how they got here? Treasure!’
A few metres farther in, the cave makes a turn.
‘Oh my goodness!’ Michelle is the first around the corner.
‘Panayia.’ Dino resorts to his mother tongue.
‘These are old, right?’ Michelle confirms.
‘Older than you can believe.’ Dino stares open-mouthed at the line of pots arranged neatly on the ground in front of them. Gingerly he picks one up and turns it around in his hands, cupping it protectively between his palms. ‘It is unbroken. Unbelievable. This is Attica-ware. You can tell by the red colour.’
‘You know, this is not the work of any archaeological department. This looks like shenanigans to me.’ Michelle’s voice takes an official tone.
‘What is this “shenanigans”?’ Dino asks.
‘Dodgy, law breaking. I presume there’s a market for this sort of stuff, private collectors and that sort of thing.’
Dino closes his mouth.
‘We should report this.’ Michelle would like to pick one up but somehow feels she shouldn’t. This stuff was made thousands of years ago.
‘Hmm.’ Dino gently sets down the amphora he has been turning round in his hands. The silhouetted pictures running around it are of men in one-to-one armed combat, swords, shields and helmets clashing.
‘What do you mean “hmm”? These should be in a museum, not traded to some rich collector never to be seen again.’
Dino backs out of the cave slightly. There are eight pots, quite small, but they all seem to be unbroken. Not the sort of thing that is found very often; even the ones in the museums have damage, some painstakingly stuck back together from hundreds of pieces.
‘You know, things are not always as they seem in Greece.’ Dino speaks slowly.
‘I know law-breaking when I see it, so we must report it.’
‘I cannot.’ Dino looks away, unable to return her eye contact.
‘What?’
‘If I report it, my name goes into a computer and the army will find me, then I will have no choice.’
Michelle’s lips part and seal a few times until she finds the right words.
‘Yes, but I am a lawyer, I cannot turn my back on something that is going on that is illegal.’
‘You don’t know why they are here.’
‘They are here, and they should not be. That is enough.’
‘So because you are a lawyer I have to do the army?’
‘No, no. Of course not, but, well, if the army is the law, you should do it, really.’ Her voice softens to a whisper at the end of her sentence. It feels like everything she has ever believed to be steadfastly right is being disturbed here in Greece. Just the thought of him away from her brings tear to her eyes. She reaches for his arm, trails down until she finds his hand, and interlocks their fingers. ‘Not that I want you to go, but these are the things that society is based on, consensual agreement, without it ...’ Dino leans towards her, he pauses just millimetres away. Her limbs turn to liquid, a rushing in her ears, she gasps for breath as he pulls away.
‘You’re going to have to stop doing that,’ she says as he lets go of her hair, trailing his fingers across her wet lips. ‘I can’t think straight when you do that.’
He grins, and sweeps his fringe to one side, a slightly cocky look on his face.
‘You don’t need to report this,’ he says. ‘Just let it be.’ He is retreating out of the cave.
‘Why did you become a lawyer anyway?’ he asks. He is back in the sun, face up, eyes closed, tiny droplets of sweat on his brow.
She follows him out.
‘Do you know, I have often wondered that.’ Michelle pulls a face as Dino chuckles. ‘No, I don’t mean in the “why would anyone ever want to be a lawyer” sort of way. I mean I do not remember making the decision to go into law. I must have done, because I did a post-grad conversion course, but I don’t remember making the decision to do that course.’ She picks a pebble from the sandy floor of the cave and tosses it into the sea. A fish darts away from the expanding circles, and she wishes she had not been so thoughtless. Life is stressful enough without people throwing pebbles—even for fish. ‘I did my degree in accounting.’
‘Did your family come to the graduation ceremony?’ Dino remembers each of his friends being surrounded with parents and siblings, uncles and grandparents, even excited dogs. He had stood alone. No one was there to support him, the occasion a hollow non-event after such intense studying and cramming of the previous weeks, the future a gaping abyss.
‘Mum and Dad actually came to the ceremony but Penny stayed at home,’ Michelle says.
‘Penny?’ Dino sits in a patch of sunlight in the cave’s mouth and lies back against its wall, hands behind his head, his eyes closed.
�
��My sister. But I never expected her to come,’ Michelle clarifies.
‘A sister? Why wouldn’t she go? Wasn’t she proud of you?’ Dino says. Michelle looks back into the cave, still wondering what to do about the pots, amazed at Dino’s nonchalance over them.
‘She was ill. She would always get ill with some undiagnosable problem just when the focus turned to me.’ She glances at him without moving her head. ‘I know how nasty that makes me sound, but I remember so clearly the first time she pulled this stunt.’ Michelle stops talking. She is saying too much and wonders how she can round this topic up without obviously cutting it short. Why did she start to tell him anyway? It only makes her look bad—and feel bad.
‘Well, she’s not here now to take the focus from you, so you can tell me what you like.’ Dino opens his eyes and pats the ground next to him in invitation. Michelle takes up his offer.
She tucks her knees up and wraps her arms around them. She remains still for a moment, but it is too hot to remain scrunched up for long. She leans back on her elbows and stretches her legs over the front edge of the cave, her feet close to the water. A ferryboat is passing in the distance, on its way to another island. Michelle watches the ripples from its wake grow smaller and smaller as they snake towards her and the shore. When it seems they have long since dispersed, she is surprised as the swell hits the rock face below and the splash reaches for her toes.
‘Well, her “illness” did seem very unfair,’ she finally exhales. ‘When I got my ‘O’ level results and came running home to tell Dad, Penny was in the room. Dad told me to calm down and suggested that we go into the garden. I knew why. I knew he didn’t want me to say how well I had done in front of Penny, who had got only three ‘O’ levels the year before. So I went into the garden and waited for him, but he never came. Mum called us for dinner at six, and I realised I had been waiting for him an hour and a half in the garden to tell him my news, and he never came.’ Michelle stretches her neck and runs her hand around her shoulders to release the tightness.
