Pen stared into his eyes.
'A dumb trick,' he said again. 'I should have known it would make things worse for you. Hell, I did know. I just didn't care. I wanted you over at the house no matter what.'
'Because you were worried about me?'
'Yeah.'
Leave it at that, he warned himself.
I've gone this far. I have to finish.
'And also… because it wasn't fair. You'd asked us to stay with you and I knew we should - it was the right thing to do because you asked first and you really needed us here and I thought we should stay with you but Melanie went and told Joyce we'd stay at her house. She only did it to spite you.'
'She did it to keep you away from me,' Pen said.
'I know. I didn't want me away from you.'
'Oh, Bodie.'
'Well-'
'I guess it's not much of a surprise,' Pen said.
'Happens all the time,' he said. 'Melanie shows up with a boyfriend and he falls all over you. I know I'm a jerk. We'll be gone in the morning, and that'll be the end of it.'
She curled a warm hand behind his neck. 'The end of it,' she whispered. 'I know. Tonight's our… Those tablets I gave Melanie before we ate? They weren't aspirin. They were sleeping pills. Strong ones. She won't be getting up tonight.'
'My God.'
'I was afraid she might try to sneak out later,' Pen said. "That's why I did it. Not for this. Not so we could be alone.'
Bodie shook his head.
'It's no worse than you writing that note, is it?'
'Better,' he heard himself say. 'A lot better. We're quite a tricky pair, you and me.'
'I'm not proud of drugging her, but… I'm going to miss you so much, Bodie.' She lifted her face to him and they kissed.
We shouldn't, he thought.
Pen's mouth was warm and moist.
He felt giddy. He felt like a high school kid somehow miraculously being kissed by the one girl he'd been longing for, the girl admired only from a distance and daydreamed about. It seemed unreal.
He put his arms around her. She sank against him, pressing him into the cushion.
Oh, this is real.
Her weight on him was real. Her breasts pushing against his chest were real. And her mouth, open against his, and her tongue, and her breath going into him.
Pen's mouth eased away. His lips were wet. She stared at him, her eyes moving a fraction from side to side. He felt as if he could see into them, but not deeply enough. He wanted to look into her mind, to be inside with her thoughts and feelings.
'What are we gonna do?' she whispered.
'About what?'
'Us.' Her eyes, so close to his, kept moving just a bit, looking from his left eye to his right and back again.
'What do you want to do?' he asked.
'It's not that simple.'
'Why not?'
'I can't hurt her, Bodie. I won't.'
'She's asleep. You said…'
'What about after tonight?'
Bodie's heart sped up.
'We'll work something out,' he said. His voice sounded as desperate as he felt.
'How?'
'I don't know.'
'Neither do I,' Pen said. She leaned forward against him, her forehead resting in the curve of his neck. He stroked her back.
'I can't lose you. All my life I've been hoping that someday…'
'Pen and Bodie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.'
Pen lurched in his arms.
***
Beyond the doorway, barely visible in the darkness of the hall, stood Melanie.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Melanie dug a hand into a pocket of her corduroy pants. The hand came out with two pills in its palm. 'I knew they weren't aspirin,' she said, her voice flat. She stared at Pen with blank eyes. 'You gave me sleeping pills. So you could have the night with Bodie. So you could seduce him.'
'Oh, man,' Bodie muttered.
'That's not the reason,' Pen said. 'I was afraid you'd sneak out and go after Harrison.'
'Slut,' Melanie said calmly.
'Mel!' Bodie snapped.
Her head turned slowly toward him. 'What?' she asked.
'Don't talk that way. She's on your side. We both are.'
'You want me out of the way.'
'Don't be crazy.'
A placid, humorless smile curled Melanie's lips.
My God, Pen thought, what have we done to her?
Bodie turned to Pen. 'We'd better leave,' he said. 'I don't think we should wait for morning. I'll take her back now.'
'Yeah.'
'We can't leave,' Melanie said. 'You haven't fucked her yet. You have to fuck her. Everyone has to fuck her.' The mild way she said it, smiling, made goose-bumps crawl up Pen's back.
Bodie stood up. He stepped around the coffee table, passed in front of Melanie, and picked up the two suitcases he had left near the wall after bringing them up from the van. Melanie, standing motionless, followed him with an empty gaze.
Pen got to her feet. She removed the chair from under the knob and opened the door.
Bodie looked at her with such agony that she wanted to throw her arms around him. 'It'll be all right,' he said.
'I don't think so.'
'She'll get over this once we're away.'
Will she? Pen thought. I won't, and neither will you.
'Come on, Melanie,' he said gently.
She walked toward him, her dead eyes staying on Pen. 'First came love,' she chanted in a low voice, 'then came marriage, then came Penny with a baby carriage.'
'Bye,' Bodie said.
She nodded.
Then they were out the door. Stepping onto the balcony, Pen watched her sister follow Bodie to the stairs and down. When they were out of sight, she heard the courtyard gate squeak open and shut. She folded her arms over her breasts for warmth against the night chill. She pressed her bare legs together. She clamped her teeth shut so they wouldn't click.
Then came the faint sound of Bodie's van starting up.
That's it, she thought. They're going.
'Hey babe, I'll warm you up,' Manny called out his door.
She didn't feel annoyed or threatened. She felt nothing about him. He didn't matter.
Stepping inside her apartment, she closed the door. She slipped the guard chain into place and looked at the chair she had used earlier to brace the door shut.
Why bother?
She wasn't afraid. She thought vaguely that she should be pleased she was no longer afraid, but she just didn't care.
She plugged her kitchen telephone back into the wall.
Let the bastard call, she thought. He can't hurt me. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words…
Pen and Bodie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
Words can never hurt me.
How could everything have gone so wrong?
They're gone. I'll never see Bodie again. Melanie hates my guts. She thinks I… she's right.
Bodie. Oh, God, Bodie.
She wandered into her bedroom and turned on the light. She wanted to lie down, to sleep, to forget.
Not even nine o'clock .
Nine. They'd missed visiting hours at the hospital.
She had hardly even given her father a thought, today.
I'll go see him tomorrow, she promised herself.
In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She returned to her bedroom. She took off her clothes, her panties last.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she held the panties in her hands.
Nobody took them. All in my head.
We have nothing to fear but ourselves.
She dropped them to the floor, turned off the lamp, and crawled between the sheets of her bed. The sheets were cool at first on her naked body, then warm.
She thought about Bodie driving through the night, Melanie silent in the passenger seat. Was he trying to apologize? Would Melanie listen? Or was she too far gone, lost in a private world of pain?
Don't feel too sorry for her, Pen thought. Bodie and I, we've got our own world of pain, and all because we didn't want to hurt her.
But we did.
We hurt her good. Ourselves, too.
Goddamn it.
Why didn't she take the pills!
Maybe it's best this way. If she'd stayed asleep, Bodie and I… we would've ended up making love.
Probably.
No probably.
Don't think about it. Just don't think.
She drew the extra pillow down and hugged it tightly to her breasts.
She remembered the feel of kissing him.
***
The needle on Bodie's gas gauge showed that he was down to a quarter of a tank. He was driving south on Robertson Boulevard. If he remembered correctly, he was only a couple of miles from the on-ramp to the Santa Monica Freeway. Once on the freeway, stopping for gas would be a lot of trouble.
As he waited at a traffic light, he saw a self-service station on the other side of the intersection.
The light turned green. He rolled through the intersection and swung into the station. He stopped beside the pumps. He took his key from the ignition. Twisting around, he peered into the dark rear of the van and said, 'I'll be back in a minute.'
Melanie didn't answer.
What if she's not back there?
She has to be. Bodie knew he would've heard the rear doors open if she had tried to sneak out.
But he wondered.
Turning on the light, he saw Melanie stretched out flat on the sleeping bag, her hands folded on her belly. 'Are you all right?' he asked.
She said nothing. She didn't move.
'Don't worry about it,' he said. 'Okay? Nothing happened between me and Pen. There's no point brooding over it.'
She didn't respond.
Bodie climbed from the van. He put the keys in his pants pocket and took out his wallet as he walked toward the office cubicle. Along the way, he glanced back a few times.
He didn't really expect Melanie to bolt, but she'd been full of surprises lately.
He slipped his credit card into the trough beneath the glass partition. The swarthy, grinning man on the other side picked it up. Bodie told him the number of the pump he planned to use, then headed for the van.
Even though he'd tried to keep an eye on it, he cautioned himself to make sure, before driving off, that Melanie was still inside.
She's not going anywhere, he thought. She's in shock or something.
He pushed the pump nozzle into his tank and held the lever down.
She'll probably be fine tomorrow. Just pissed as hell and full of accusations. She'll probably dump me, and save me the trouble.
When the flow clicked off, Bodie shoved the nozzle into place on the side of the pump. He screwed his gas cap on tightly and started for the office.
It's less than a month till the end of the semester. One way or another, we'll be finished by then and I'll come back to Pen.
Bodie scooped up his credit card and signed the slip. He tore off the customer receipt and dropped the rest into the trough. The man thanked him.
He headed back for the van.
He climbed in, turned on the light and checked the rear. Melanie was still lying there. She looked as if she hadn't moved a muscle the whole time he was filling the tank.
He turned off the overhead lights, dug out his keys, and started the engine.
Maybe I'll luck out, he thought, and she'll stay this way the whole trip.
He drove onto a sidestreet, stopped at the corner, then made a right onto Robertson. On the track again, he wondered whether to make a right or a left when he reached the freeway.
Just wait for the signs.
Whichever way goes east - you know you don't want to end up at the ocean.
Maybe by summer there will be a vacancy in Pen's apartment building.
He stopped for a traffic light.
The real question is, can I wait for the semester to end? I have to. Gotta finish the MA.
He heard a quiet sound of movement behind him.
At least Melanie's not paralyzed.
I could always drive over on weekends. Once I've settled the situation with Melan…
Pain blasted through Bodie's head.
***
Pen jerked awake, gasping and shaking, her heart thundering.
A bell was ringing.
Someone at the door!
It blared again.
The telephone?
She hurled herself off the bed and rushed across her room, afraid the caller might hang up before she could reach the phone - afraid he might not.
Who?
She hoped it was Bodie. It could be anyone.
The obscene caller. Harrison or Joyce. The hospital.
My God, don't let it be bad news!
Maybe a wrong number, a salesman.
The phone rang again.
The hallway was faintly lighted from the living room lamp she hadn't bothered to turn off.
She slapped a hand against the kitchen doorframe to stop herself, reached around the corner and snatched up the phone. 'Hello?'
'This is you, isn't it?'
She knew the voice. Her skin seemed to shrink. She felt it tighten and prickle.
'Not a recording, this time?'
'No.'
'Do you know who I am?'
'What do you want?' she asked, her voice trembling.
'I want to talk. I've missed you. Have you been away?'
Hang up, she thought. Sure. If I do, he'll just call again.
Or come over. He knows I'm here.
Pen remembered the shotgun. She'd left it in the living room, propped against the wall near the door, hidden behind the curtains.
Let him come over. Give him a big surprise.
'Or were you just afraid to pick up the phone? You're not scared of me, honey, are you?'
'Why should I be scared?' she asked, trying to steady her voice.
He laughed. It was a quiet, dry laugh that made a cold place in her stomach.
'I've been hoping you'd call again,' she told him.
'Really?'
'Those things you said… I've listened to the tape so many times. I love it.'
'Makes you hot?'
'It sure does. I'm getting hot right now.'
'What are you wearing?' he asked.
Not a stitch. Pen wished she'd grabbed her robe on the way to the phone.
He can't see me.
'Jeans. And a sweater.'
'A brassiere?' he hissed.
She almost said yes. She wanted to be wearing one. She wanted to be dressed in tight, heavy clothes. She had never felt so exposed and vulnerable.
Don't back out now, she told herself.
Shivering, she said, 'No.'
'Ah, fabulous. A sweater and no brassiere. I can see it. Yes. Oh, my cock is getting big and hot. Do you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to lift your sweater and suck your tits.'
'Would you like me to take it off?' she asked.
'Oh, yes.'
What the hell am I doing? she wondered. Am I mad?
'There,' she said, 'it's off.'
He sighed. 'Are your nipples hard?'
She looked down. They were hard. But not because of desire. 'They sure are,' she said.
'I'd like to rub my cock on them. Would you like that?'
'I sure would.'
'Oh, I know it, I know it. Wouldn't you like to take off your pants?'
'Sure. Just a second.'
'And your underpants, too. I want you naked.'
She heard his raspy breathing. As she listened, she leaned against the doorframe. She rubbed her cold legs together. Looking down, she saw that her thighs were spickled with goosebumps.
'Okay,' she said. 'I'm naked. Are you?'
'Of course. And oh, my cock is huge. He wants you.'
'He?'
'Spike.'
Almost funny, she thought. The creep's got a name for h
is penis. A dog's name, Spike. But also a term for a very large nail.
'I bet Spike's big and powerful,' she said. 'I wish I could feel him.' She heard the words. This isn't me. This is a character in one of my stories, talking to a madman.
'What would you do with him?'
'I'd pet him. He likes to be petted, I bet.'
'Oh, yes.'
'Then I'd suck on him.'
'Oh, honey!'
'I'd suck on Spike till he throbbed in my mouth and I'd swallow every delicious drop and then I'd lick him clean.'
I'm as mad as he is.
Method in my madness, tra-la, tra-la.
'Would you like that?' she asked in a husky voice.
'Oh, yes, yes. Then what?'
'Wouldn't you like to know?'
'Tell me.'
'Why don't you come over and find out?'
'Tell me first.'
'I'd rub you all over with honey. And then you'd rub me all over with more, so we're all slick and sticky. Then we'd lick it off each other and when it's all gone, I'd spread my legs and…'
'Yes yes!'
'Oh God I'm hot! Let's not talk about it.'
'Please.'
'I want you to fuck me. I want Spike in my cunt. You want that, don't you?'
'YES!'
'Come over.'
'What?'
'Now.'
There was silence except for his harsh breathing.
'Or are you just one of those guys who likes to talk about it? All words and no action?'
He laughed, that same dry chuckle like rustling paper. 'You'll find out. I'll ream you, honey. I'll fuck your brains out!'
'So get over here and do it. No more talk.'
More breathing.
God, am I really going to blow his head off?
You damn betcha.
Magnum loads.
I can't do it.
Oh, no? Oh, no?
'Come on, lover,' she whispered. 'I'm hot I want you! I've gotta have you! Get over here!'
'Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just tell me where you live.'
What?
'You know where I live.'
'I will once you tell me.'
'My address is right in the phone book.'
'So what's your name, you sweet stuff?'
'You don't know my name!'
'Fuck, no. I just dialed some numbers. Wrote 'em down so I could call you back, but…'
Pen slammed down the phone. With a tug at its plastic base, she removed it from the wall jack.
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