by Kim Petersen
Our mother has abandoned us because of our father. I know she is scared of him, because she mentioned as such in her letter. I have the most dreadful feeling she has every right to be frightened of Dad, even though she has left Ace and I here with him. I fear that choice has made no difference in my father’s thinking.
She should have taken us with her. I don’t want to be here with him. I hate him! I hate her for leaving me! I hate the world! I hate everything!
She brought me an easel and canvas set for Christmas, with the most beautiful paints and brushes. I can’t imagine I shall ever use them now. I can’t imagine ever picking up a pencil to even sketch now. Without her, life is meaningless. Sketching and painting is meaningless. I hate this place!
I miss my Mummy.
Millie xo
***
Lilly rolled over in the bed, kicking one slender leg out from the tangle of sheets in an effort to cool herself from the morning heat. She had forgotten the intense heat of Queensland summers. Squinting towards the digital alarm clock, she struggled for a moment to focus on the red LED digits displayed on the bedside stand. It was 8 o’clock on Christmas morning. She turned flat on her back, vaguely staring up at the ceiling of her parents’ guest room. The kids would be opening their gifts now, she mused. A parade of tears trickled down to her ears. She wiped at her ears with the backs of her hands. She blindly clutched for the tissue box that she knew was on the bed beside her where she had left it the night before. She had made her way through a mass of tissues in the last nineteen days, and had come to think of them as her comforter. In fact, tissues were her new best friend. She consciously ensured there were always a handful of tissues within reach. Handkerchiefs would be of little use to her in this state.
Lilly could hear the faint sounds filtering through the window of her parents carrying out their summer morning ritual. Every morning they sat together at the table and chair set under the outdoor awning overlooking the canal that backed onto their backyard. They were chatting over morning coffee and the newspaper in hushed tones, enjoying the sunlight that managed to streak through and around the awning above them, and relishing the fresh breeze that gently sprung from the glistening waters of the canal. The kids would love it here. Mum was right! I should have brought them with me! Rolling on to her side, Lilly curled up into a rigid ball and squeezed her eyes shut tight as if the action could erase her misery. The past couple of weeks flashed through her mind like a wild wind as she relived the events leading her here – back home – running scared like a little lost girl. And worst of all, running away from her babies.
After she had buried the wooden box for Millie under the avocado tree, she had cleaned up and collected the remaining items she wished to bring with her, piling them together on the floor beside the front door. Aside from her clothes and necessities, Lilly had remembered to bring treasured school work the children had made for her when they were little. Tiny hand-dipped handprints with poems that had melted her heart, Mother’s Day artwork and handmade birthday cards scrawled with love were all part of the collection she had kept safe and cherished over the years. And photographs! She took as many as she could – a few examples from every year of their lives so far.
After she was done collecting all she could think of to take with her, she did a last stroll around the house while memories of her babies growing throughout the years flooded back to her. Images, happy and sad, haunted her. I will not miss this damned old house! she thought, steeling her heart and pushing sentimental feelings away as she passed through the kitchen, glad to see the last of the beat-up old screen door. She paused as she made her way along the hallway to her son’s room. She opened his bedroom door quietly, and tiptoed to his bed. She gazed down at him while he slept soundly, and reached out to brush back a lock of damp hair that had clumped against his forehead. “I love you,” she whispered, bending to kiss his forehead.
As she drove away in her new car from her old life that night, Lilly blinked through a stream of tears that obscured the view of the road before her. However, she didn’t dare stop once as she knew she would turn back. She knew one stop was all it would take for her to easily sweep back into her old wearisome life. She drove all night. She drove mile after mile, and hour after hour. She drove until the air changed from stiff urban stuffiness to soft country freshness. She drove until it was necessary for her to stop for more petrol, and by that time her resolve had strengthened and she knew in her heart there was no going back.
When she had arrived at her folks’ doorstep some thirteen hours later, her legs almost buckled beneath her at the opening of the front door. A fine mix of devastation and relief washed through her at the sight of her parents. She fell exhausted physically and emotionally into the comforting arms of her mother.
The sudden arrival of their only daughter had sparked concern along with elation. They had longed to see her and their grandchildren for many years, but each attempt had been met with Glen’s cold shoulder. Albert and Margaret Winston had to settle for brief phone calls every now and then, and a Christmas card each year. They had been happy to see their daughter again, and even happier when she had told them she had finally left Glen.
Lilly had sat them down and explained the whole story from what she knew of Samantha to the recent events of her life.
“It was the demon that lurks within him that acted so maliciously towards Samantha, the same demon that almost beat me to death.”
They understood Glen was much more dangerous than they had first imagined, and both were concerned for the children left behind with him.
“But don’t you see,” Lilly pleaded. “He cannot bear to be without his children … if that were to happen I know that demon will overcome him again.” Tears stung her eyes. “He would hunt me down. He terrifies me!”
“There has to be a way to get them away from him,” her mother proposed. “They can’t be safe with him; he’s too unpredictable.”
Lilly had acknowledged her mother’s uneasiness about the safety of her children, but assured her of Glen’s love for them.
“He wouldn’t ever harm them, Mum. Their presence with him will be my safety net, I just know it.”
“If you’re sure,” Margaret said, frowning towards her husband.
“Perhaps we should call the police?” Albert said, resting a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Then we can collect the children and bring them here, a fresh start for all of you.”
Lilly shook her head. “Are you not listening, Dad? We are not dealing with a sane man here! Even if he were to be charged and locked away for a while; eventually he will be set free, along with the demon that lives inside him. He would come for his children, and he would kill me!” she cried.
Her parents grudgingly accepted her word, and spent the following days comforting and consoling their overwrought daughter who had deteriorated into a shaky bundle of nerves.
Lilly lay in her bed, struggling with her thoughts. I chose this! she told herself. This is how I wanted it. Now, get up, get strong and get on with your new life! She decided to take a snippet of the recent conversation she had with Millie concerning the power of thought and direct her thoughts to better feeling subjects. I can at least try!
“Today, things get better,” Lilly said out loud.
She sat up in her bed and resolved to enjoy the day with her parents as much as she could. She told herself she had done the right thing for her. She vowed to never look back again. Tomorrow was her planned meeting with an old school friend who would give her a golden passport to the new exciting life. Tomorrow, she would have that requested drink with Scott and collect her new identity. But as intoxicating as all her tomorrows promised, she couldn’t help but feel the dangerous gnaw of her husband behind her. She knew it would take a while before she could relax enough to stop looking back over her shoulder.
***
Scott Perry gritted his teeth as he circled the club’s parking lot. “Damned tourists!” he muttered under his breath. Thi
s time of year it was nearly impossible to find parking anywhere on the Gold Coast. He spotted a car backing out of a space over in the next laneway and pushed his foot down hard on the accelerator, almost sliding his 1985 Mazda RX7 as he glided around the corner to ensure he would claim the newly vacated space. Mission accomplished, he killed the roaring engine and tilted the rear-view mirror to reflect on his image. Looking good! he grinned to himself. He smoothed back light brown hair and his grin turned to a scowl as he spotted a silvery thread taunting him. Dark brown eyes narrowed as he plucked out the unwelcome strand. Turning his head from side to side towards the mirror, he inspected the rest of his hair for unruly greys. Finally satisfied, he grabbed a thick yellow envelope beside him then bounced out of the red sports car, strutting with a spring in his step towards the main doors of the club.
Elton John’s Rocket Man danced around his lips in an out-of-tune hum. He and Lilly had spent many hours smoking weed and giggling together in the carpark at the beach to the background of the well-known tune. Her recent contact with him had come as a surprise. Somehow, he had always known she would come back into his life again. It was just a matter of when.
He picked up his pace as he approached the big glass doors. Tonight is a good night, he thought. Tonight, after fifteen long years, he would again meet the woman he had always wanted, his “Lilly Pad”.
He had arrived early in the hope that his favourite little table in the back of the beer garden would be vacant for them. He ordered a scotch on the rocks then sauntered outside to the garden, throwing greetings to familiar faces along the way. He poised at the doors to the garden, scanning the outdoor area with interest. The lush foliage of the overhanging ferns and palms were scattered around oversized hand-carved wooden benches and tables, and appeared almost fluorescent bright green as the fading sun joined them in one last dance for the day. A local band scrambled about, setting up for an evening of entertainment in one corner of the garden. Varying groups of people laughed and chatted amid the festive fairy lights and tables lit in the glow of candles.
Scott’s gaze fell on his favourite table opposite the band, snugged intimately in a corner of the outdoor area. It was empty. He broke into a broad grin as he wended his way to the table. Tonight is a good night! He sat down at the side of the table which offered the best view of the patio drinking area, and directed his gaze to the garden’s entrance. He took a generous sip of his scotch, and waited for Lilly to arrive through the double glass doors.
He did not have to wait long. He recognised her immediately as she pushed through the heavy doors to the beer garden. He caught a sharp breath and held it unconsciously for a few moments as he realised that Lilly was there again in the flesh. He watched her glance over the bustling beer garden, searching for the old familiar face that was him. Her glance seemed edgy to him, even from his viewpoint at the furthest corner of the patio. She is still a beauty, he thought, drinking in every detail of her with dark brooding eyes, while she stood by the doors exploring the garden with wide-eyed blues. She was wearing a simple A-line black dress which cradled perky breasts that strained against thin material and skimmed over the rest of her slim body. Golden hair cascaded past narrow shoulders, and a simple pearl necklace encircled her slender neck. Scott smiled and waved to her, beckoning her over to him. She returned his smile, and kitten-heeled black sandals pivoted in his direction while heads turned as she walked over to him with an air of uncomplicated elegance.
Scott stood up as she neared the table. “Lilly Winston!”
“Scott Perry,” Lilly smiled.
She spread out her arms for a hug and eyed her old friend curiously. After fifteen years, she was surprised to find the years had been kind to him; the deeply set lines that crinkled along his forehead and speared the edge of his eyes suited him. She realised, in that moment, just how much she had missed him. She allowed her eyes to sweep over him. Light brown locks licked his white polo shirt. Blue Levi’s hugged firm buttocks and surfer legs, and coffee coloured eyes gleamed at her. He has certainly matured into a charismatic, handsome man, she mused.
She inhaled his soft masculine scent. “It’s so good to see you,” she said, her warm minty breath tickling his ear while they embraced.
Scott held her at arm’s length, inspecting her thoroughly with mockery scrawled over his features. “Hmmm … let me see,” he teased, as if in deep thought and making a spectacle out of his analyses. “Yep. You are still the same Lilly Pad,” he said with a wink.
Lilly laughed. “I can see you’re still the same jokester,” she retorted, as they settled down at the table. “Maybe quite the romantic now?” She gestured around at the dim magic of the garden.
“Wasn’t I always?” Scott’s whole face beamed.
His heart swelled with the old familiar affection he had felt for her all those years ago. He felt like a huge Cheshire cat in her company, content and happy to be near her again. Now, if only I get to lick the cream this time around.
They fell effortlessly into the familiar, comfortable bond they had once shared. Theirs was a bittersweet reunion. After exchanging polite chit-chat, Lilly detailed her life with Glen. She revealed the deep-seated fears that Glen would come after her despite leaving the children with him. She confessed the desperate, heart-wrenching yearning eating at her and the overwhelming guilt for abandoning her children she had felt since arriving on the Coast.
Scott listened as her story unravelled before him. He found himself in unfamiliar territory as endearing and often shocking words fell from her mouth. He was unsure of the reawakened feelings she had evoked in him. All he wanted to do was to hold her close to him and whisper words of loving reassurance.
When she was finished, she dabbed her moist cheeks with tissues plucked from her small black handbag. Lilly felt grateful then for the intimacy the corner table offered them.
“Oh Lilly,” Scott shook his head, “I wish I could have helped you … and your children,” he said, stumbling over his words.
His face clouded over as his eyes darkened. “He’s monstrous!”
They sat in silence as minutes passed, sipping on refreshing beverages and falling into the habitual warmth they had known together years before. There was no need for them to voice their strong reconnection, as they recognised it in each other’s eyes. It felt like they had both come home.
Lilly couldn’t help but smile, as she was the most contented she had been in a long time. She felt safe and it was a surprise that she hadn’t counted on nor even contemplated.
“I couldn’t thank you enough, Scott. This is just what I needed,” she said.
“Thank you, Lilly.” He picked up the thick yellow envelope. “Or should I say, ‘Kate’.” He handed her the package.
Lilly’s expression darkened as she took the envelope from him with shaky hands. Her heart began to skip. This is why she had come here, and a huge piece to the puzzle of the future she had been planning and working towards for the past months. This was the security she needed. And yet, as she held the envelope in her hands, she willed her overwhelming apprehension to leave her. Long supple fingers gently pushed their way between hers, hiding her hand within his. His touch tamed the tremble of her fingers. It was a touch so simple, yet when she looked up into his smiling face, she knew it conveyed the depth of their renewed friendship.
“You’re not alone.” Scott’s dark eyes glimmered with his affection for her.
Her weary blue eyes held his like a lost little girl trapped in a womanly body.
She squeezed his fingers. “I really appreciate your help with this … but...” Her voice trailed off for a moment.
“But what?” He seized the break she allowed in her speech and searched her face for clues as to what she might be thinking.
She tore her eyes away.
“Lilly?” he urged.
She turned back to meet his gaze again and forced a smile. “Scott, I can’t stay here. It’s too risky to stay on the Gold Coast. If he did decide to look fo
r me, this is the first place he’d come.”
Scott’s smile returned. “I know, Lilly. There is nothing for me here,” he said, gesturing broadly at their surrounds.
Since he and Lilly had parted fifteen years ago, his had been a high-flying life on the Coast. He had tried the nine to five variety of jobs but found them too mundane. He just didn’t understand how people lived in such a way. One balmy Queensland afternoon, after getting high in his car, he grabbed his beach towel and sprawled on the white sands of the beach. Dark, bloodshot eyes were concealed beneath sunglasses as he lay watching fluffs of clouds reshaping in the breeze that licked over the shores of the beach. A few moments later he pulled the little silver tin that housed his stash of weed out of the pocket of his Hawaiian printed board shorts. He eyed the dried out green buds and broke a little away for the joint he was about to roll. He decided then that he would grow copious quality weed and auction bulk amounts to the highest bidder in town.
He found an investor and started growing his first crop. The money started to roll in and life was good for the most part. He worked at producing the best quality weed in town, and damned if he wasn’t proud of that fact at the time. Drugs, booze and blonde women with big tits were at his disposal. He noticed that he was selecting women who reminded him of Lilly. Some nights, he would lay with a woman in a hazy drug induced daze and whisper lovingly in his “Lilly’s” ear. But no blonde could fill the tear in his heart.
