by Deanna Roy
“Corabelle —”
“Gavin —”
We both stopped at the same time and just when I thought we’d both laugh, instead, we both almost sobbed, coming together in a crash, his arms tight around me and mine gripping him like a lifeline.
It was too much, my need of him overwhelming, how hard I ached. He shuddered against me, and I could feel the emotion passing between us. For the first time in four long years, I thought — I can be that girl I once was. I can have hope. I can find happiness.
Gavin was home to me. Just like that night so many years ago, I looked up at him with a mixture of anxiety and certainty, and just like then, just like in the movie, I raised my hands over my head to let him start the journey all over again.
He never took his eyes off mine, but his fingers grasped the bottom of the white tank — God, the same type of shirt as that scene, I realized — and tugged it up and off.
“Corabelle,” he whispered, looking at me as if he’d never seen me before.
“I’m here.”
He pulled me in, letting our skin have its own reunion. His chest was hard and almost hot to the touch. His heart hammered against mine. I wanted him to kiss me again, needed it more than I’d ever needed anything in my whole life. He took his time, running his fingers up the back of my neck and into my hair.
His mouth was achingly close, his nose bumping against mine. Everywhere we connected, I felt fire. His tongue brushed against my lips, and I parted for him.
At first his touch was so gentle that I barely knew we were kissing, the sensation featherlight. Then his hand on my neck pressed me into him and we were back, tasting each other and as close as we ever were.
I never wanted to do anything else but feel his arms around me, our skin touching, and his mouth crossing over mine, delving into me as though I could pour myself into him.
Every emotion I’d ever felt was coursing through me, desire, need, joy, love, and even grief. We’d been through everything, through things people should never have to endure. No wonder we had fractured, blown apart. But we could fix it. We could get it back.
I wanted to be closer. I shifted on the bed, straddling his lap and locking my legs around his waist. The singer was right, I wanted to lose myself, fall into my one great love and just let everything disappear. He could do that. He’d been the only one who could ever do that.
His mouth never left mine as he kicked off his shoes. His fingers trailed across my spine, relearning every part of me. His thumbs made their way around, slipping into the curve below where our two chests smashed into each other.
Sensations splintered through me like lightning. I sucked in a breath and he moved, suddenly, like a panther, pushing me down on the bed. As soon as we were apart, he left my mouth to press kisses along my face and neck, dropping lower until he captured a nipple.
How could I have forgotten this, gone without? I arched against him, wanting more, needing him more than I thought possible. My hands went to his back, feeling each corded muscle, the angle from his chest down to his waist. He was so erect against me, pushing out against the silky shorts. I had never felt as bold as I did then, reaching for him, reminding myself of his length and breadth.
He sucked in a breath against my skin, his hands on my ribs. The song ended, so he reached around and closed the laptop, lifting it away from the bed and safely onto the floor. I could hear every rapid inhale, the silky sound of his palm running along my belly. He reached for the waist of my shorts, then hesitated, his gaze meeting mine. “Is this okay? Are you okay?”
The concern in those blue eyes sent another wave of emotion through me. He hadn’t stopped caring. He never hated me, like I thought. He just succumbed to a terrible time, riddled with what-ifs. “Yes,” I whispered.
He yanked on the shorts, bringing them to my knees, then dragging them the rest of the way off. My panties were simple, white cotton with an edge of lace. He ran a finger along the border against my skin, then followed some of the stretch marks across my belly. “I never knew about these,” he said.
“They showed up later.” I tried to cover them, but he pushed my hands away.
“They’re beautiful.” He began kissing each pale line, hip to stomach and back down again. “It’s proof that Finn was once here.”
Emotion welled up so hard that I didn’t think I could contain it. Gavin continued to press his lips into my skin, but when his fingers began to slide the panties down, I forgot everything else, overwhelmed with physical sensations, gentle touch, and painful need.
Then I was naked below him, the only person who’d ever seen me like this. He spread my knees and pressed his face against the inside of my leg, pausing there, his mouth against my skin.
I could scarcely bear it. “Gavin, please,” I managed to say.
His head lifted and I could see so much conflict there. Did he think it wasn’t safe? That I could get pregnant again? “I’m still on the shot. I never stopped.”
He closed his eyes and I knew he was thinking about how I was on it before, and it hadn’t mattered. We’d been on the wrong side of every statistic. Less than a one-percent chance of getting pregnant. A heart condition that was one in four thousand.
His hands moved up my thighs, both thumbs resting against me, setting everything on fire.
“Some things just aren’t in our control,” he said. He spread me wide and his tongue flicked against me and then I couldn’t think of anything as the world shattered.
I grabbed the sheets in handfuls. His hair tickled my belly and I zoomed into the next plane of pleasure so fast that I couldn’t have stopped him if I wanted, his mouth so hot, the shuddering of my body already taking me into the past, when we’d been like this constantly, greedy, feasting like the banquet would never end.
He worked every part, tongue and lips and fingers, and then my body vibrated around him, and I let go of the sheets, my fears, the past and present, just rocketing into that shower of sparks.
Gavin knew just where to take it, and how to bring it down, pulling away gently, carefully, as my hips rested back against the bed. He pressed his face into my thigh, holding on to me, and I wondered if he would decide not to take this all the way, to spare the risk. And I couldn’t bear it, I wanted it too, to see him lose control, to fall into me. I rolled over and got to my knees, tugging at his shorts, pulling everything down, boxers and all. I clutched at him, hot and throbbing between my fingers, making sure he couldn’t let it go, couldn’t resist.
I pushed him on his back, settling over him in a position that was so familiar. My hair was falling out of the pins and cascaded around his face. Before he could move or talk or do anything to stop me, I lowered myself down on him, sliding over him like slipping into cool sheets.
His fingers gripped my hips and I leaned down to kiss him, controlling the rhythm, taking his hands and pushing them over his head so that he was mine, control was mine, and I worked him, steady and deep.
Gavin’s breathing sped up. I thought he was about to lose it when his arms broke free and he grabbed my waist, twisting me around and beneath him.
I gasped as he plunged into me, fierce and passionate, his face hovering over mine, the hula lamp undulating light against his hair. I was lost again, his hands on me, kneading all the soft parts and reaching between us. I didn’t think I could go again but he led me there, rising up to meet him, and by the time he held still inside me, a long shuddering groan crashing over my ears, I was back, the world shattering around us, gasping for breath.
We came down in degrees, his body settling on mine, then shifting over to pull me against him. I never wanted to stop touching him, couldn’t bear to think of him walking away again. I felt suddenly that it would happen, that we’d be forced apart, and this second loss would kill me. I tried to escape the grief, to revel in the moment, but I knew we had dark days ahead. Nothing between us had been easy for a long time.
“Shhh,” he said, knowing as he always did when I was upset. “Just
be here. Just be now.”
I nodded against his shoulder. I could do that. I had to. Looking ahead or glancing behind were both too hard. We had right now. It had to be enough.
Chapter 23: Gavin
Corabelle needed to invest in some blackout curtains.
I crossed my arm over my eyes, trying to block the unrelenting sun. Corabelle’s hair was draped all over my shoulder and chest. I was pretty sure it was the best feeling in the world. Okay, second best.
Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted. She breathed deep and even, like a kid. I wouldn’t take this night for granted or assume it meant we were back together. I knew her moods could shift, and besides, I’d been a chickenshit. I could blow these good feelings sky high.
The clock behind her had giant red letters alerting me that I had 45 minutes to get out of bed and be at work. I didn’t have a shirt. When Corabelle’s text came through, I jumped on my bike without so much as a wallet.
Even so, I settled back down, relishing the moment. I’d showed up late more than once. I shouldn’t push Bud, not after he’d moved me to mechanics, but damn it if I didn’t want to stay right here a little longer.
Corabelle shifted, stretched, then her eyes flew open in alarm. She was about to jump out of bed when she seemed to realize where she was. “Oh!” she said. “That’s right.”
I understood her disorientation. I woke up several times in the night, not sure of the year, maybe back in high school and the little apartment we got so little use of. “You okay?” I asked.
She nodded, then twisted to look at the clock. “Holy crap!” She sat up. “I was supposed to be at work fifteen minutes ago.” She jumped up and I had to admire how her boobs jiggled. She turned in circles and I got every view while she tried to figure out what to do first.
She tried running her fingers through her hair, to no avail. “I’m a mess!”
“Just call them. Tell them you’re on your way.”
Corabelle seemed only then to realize she was naked, and yanked the sheet off the bed, exposing me.
“Hey!”
“Sorry!” She was about to put it back when I waved her off.
“No, it’s fine. This is highly entertaining.”
She glared at me. “Then I’m not sorry for stealing your covers.” She ran out of the room, and water started running on the other side of the wall.
I knew I should get up and find my clothes and get out of there. But I just couldn’t, not yet. Corabelle’s room was pretty sparse, just the bed, a table with the hula girl and a clock, and a stack of sideways crates that served as shelves. Looked like we’d both been living pretty close to the bone. My mind was already whirring, thinking that if we moved in together, I could probably support us, and maybe she could finish faster if she didn’t have to work.
Then leave faster.
I rolled off the bed. She seemed okay this morning, but with Corabelle, you could never tell. I picked up my boxers and shorts and headed for the hall. She’d left the bathroom door open and her silhouette behind the shower curtain made me want to go right in and join her.
But she was late, and remorse might hit her any moment. I had to play it careful.
The spray turned off and I leaned on the door frame as the curtain slid back. “Oh!” she said. “You’re watching!”
“It’s the best view I’ve had in a long time.”
She wrapped up in one towel and snatched a second from a wire shelf for her hair. I noticed her phone in the corner on the floor and picked it up. “Leave this here?”
That panicked look came across her face again, and she snatched it from me. “Yes. Thank you.” She passed me to head back to the bedroom, so I followed.
“Did you call work?”
“Not yet.” She disappeared into a closet, a nice walk-in for such a small place.
I sat on the bed and shoved my legs into my boxers. I wondered if she’d keep the fast and furious pace until she took off, and we wouldn’t get to do any sort of wrap-up on the night and what would happen next.
She came out in a pair of jeans and a simple blue T-shirt that was already wet on the shoulders. “I’m sorry I have to rush.”
“I have to be at work too.”
“Are you late? I didn’t think to set an alarm.”
“We had other things on our minds.”
She blushed, shoving her feet into little pink tennis shoes. I finished dressing and searched around for my phone, which had slipped out of the shallow pocket when the shorts came off.
“Under the bed,” she said.
I knelt down and saw it near the baby’s box. I swallowed hard as I came back up. “Thanks. Can I call you?”
Corabelle pushed her hair out of her face. “I don’t know. I have to think.”
“Please don’t think.” I stepped toward her, but she moved away.
“It’ll be okay. I just have to get used to this idea.” She snatched a purse off the top of the crates. “I really have to go.”
I followed her to the living room and picked up my keys from the table. She looked at me a moment. “Let me loan you a shirt.”
I would have protested, but she ran down the hall, returning a minute later with a New Mexico State T-shirt that would have swallowed her now, but she’d gotten it back when she was pregnant with Finn.
My throat constricted as I took it from her. “I remember this.”
“Yeah, it’s a good one. Don’t ruin it.”
I pulled it over my head. “I guess this means I have to see you again to return it.”
“You’ll see me in class on Monday.”
We headed for the door. After she locked it, I pulled her into my arms and didn’t let her resist. She relaxed against me, her face against my chest.
“Corabelle, are we okay?”
She nodded.
I lifted her face. “Just one simple kiss?” I didn’t wait for an answer but leaned in, just grazing her lips.
Her hands gripped me, and when I pulled back, she stepped away. “See you soon, Gavin.”
She ran out to the parking lot and jumped into her car. I stood there, unmoving, as she backed out and drove away.
I turned back to her door. I hadn’t imagined just a week ago that I’d be at Corabelle’s home, and she would be back in my arms. I’d been given this amazing chance, and even if she seemed a little reluctant, I had hope that we could set everything right.
Chapter 24: Corabelle
Oh God oh God oh God. What had I done?
I pulled into an employee space a block away from Cool Beans, wondering if Gavin was still standing in front of my door. We could not do this. I could not tell him everything. Not now. It seemed like a way better idea to remember this one amazing night and just stop. No more.
I dashed down the sidewalk, worrying that Jason would be late as usual, but then remembered that Jenny was working that morning. She was pretty reliable.
The bells jingled as I ripped open the door. Jenny was waiting on an older couple getting plain coffee, judging by the mugs. I flashed her an apologetic look and raced behind the counter, stuffing my purse beneath the register and yanking out an apron.
Then I saw him.
Austin.
He pulled his headphones off and set them on the table, his usual one in the corner.
“He’s been here since we opened,” Jenny whispered. “Must have been some impression you made on him last night.” She elbowed me. “You’re one crazy chica.”
The couple walked away from the counter, and I could see Austin heading toward me. “I can’t talk to him!” I said, planning to scurry to the back.
Jenny grabbed my apron string. “Nuh-uh. He’s been waiting for hours.”
Austin leaned against the pastry case, a few feet away from Jenny. “Corabelle?” His eyes were full of misery.
God. What to say. I gave him a half-wave. “Hey.”
“Are you okay? I’ve been so worried.” His hands gripped the glass, the fingertips white fr
om the pressure.
“I’m fine.” I opened the back of the case and pretended to rearrange the danishes. “I just — that just wasn’t my scene. I didn’t mean to be dramatic.”
Austin let go of the glass. “Okay. I didn’t have your number or anything. I sent you e-mails.”
I hadn’t looked at any of that since yesterday. “I have a dumb phone, not a smart one. I didn’t see them yet.”
“Were you okay last night?”
I flashed through the evening. Gavin on my sofa, leaning over the hula girl, pulling me close, his face hovering over my body. “Yes! Yes. I was fine.”
Austin stuck his hands in his pockets and looked away. “I guess this means you don’t want to see me again?”
Jenny glanced at us, then moved as far away as she could, next to the window and the rows of plastic water cups.
I knew I couldn’t see Austin anymore, even if I didn’t intend to stick with Gavin. I had already succumbed. Austin hadn’t kept me away, although I’m not sure anyone could have. I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
He looked so dejected, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to swallow.
“It’s not you,” I said hurriedly. “I just can’t be around — that.” I glanced at Jenny, who was certainly listening even though she was facing away. “That — that thing that was happening. It’s a thing from my past. A problem.”
Austin’s eyes grew large. “Are you in recovery?”
“No! No. I mean, yes. Yes. That’s it. I have to stay away. Even your stuff smells like it.” It wasn’t a total lie.
Austin backed away. “Okay, I get it. I can respect that. I wish it were different. I can’t move, though. And Ben, he’s a big-time toker. Not me, though.” He held up his hands. “I can’t afford it anyway.”
I focused on the pastries, arranging and rearranging the same three bear claws. This was for the best. “Seems like we’re stuck. I guess that’s the way it has to be.” Now, please, go, I thought.
