by Deanna Roy
Below it, the message said, “Miss you, Gavin baby. I need a booty call.”
I meant to set the phone down and crawl right back into bed. If this woman missed him, that means he wasn’t seeing her anymore. So it was fine. He’d delete the messages in the morning, probably relieved I hadn’t seen them. As I tried to bury the phone back in the clothes, another message popped up. “I dumped Jerry. Pimp free, like you said! Give me a shout. I’m good for a freebie.”
I washed cold. Who was this girl? I glanced up at the bed. Gavin was still out. I knew I shouldn’t read any more, but I remembered Jenny at the coffee shop saying, “What do you really know about Gavin, as he is now?”
I scrolled through the messages that woke me up. Her name was Candy, of course. She asked where he’d been lately. Then, “I learned a little rope bondage just for you. Tie up those strong arms.”
When he didn’t respond, she’d sent the picture.
Maybe it was a joke, maybe the picture was random. Maybe this was a friend. I set the phone down, unwilling to spy any more.
But then I thought — is he being careful? We were using condoms now, but we hadn’t been. What if he had been with a prostitute?
I picked the phone up again and clicked on Candy’s name to bring up their entire history. It went back a year. Meetups. Him telling her to ditch Jerry. Him worried because she had a black eye. Lots and lots of sexting. Him writing her, asking if she was available that night.
But nothing about ordinary things, dates, or movies, or normal conversation. In one she warned him Jerry was forcing her to up her rate to $125.
I wanted to put the phone down, but then I saw another name that looked suspicious. Lolly. I clicked on her. She also sent images of herself, large heaving breasts, pulling aside her panties. He was not as close to this one, as all their communication was businesslike. Locations. Times.
I closed the phone. What had he done? I sorted through the clothes, my chest heaving, fat tears dripping off my nose. I wasn’t going to blame him for what he’d done. That was his past. But he wasn’t the person I thought he was. He’d become somebody else, someone I wasn’t sure I could live with.
My shirt was on backwards and chafed my neck with the tag, but I didn’t care. I had to get out. My keys jingled as I crept to the door, and Gavin shifted on the bed. Afraid he would wake, I tore through the house, wrenching open the door, and hurtling across the pathways to the parking lot. Thankfully I had met him here before we left and had my car. As it started up, I saw him come out his door, wrapped in a sheet. He was shouting, but I couldn’t hear him and backed out of the spot.
He would come after me, I knew, so I couldn’t go home, not right away. I’d find some place to wait out the night.
•*´`*•*´`*•
Jenny’s face was sympathetic when she opened her door close to noon. I had texted her hourly starting at nine, but apparently she’d been busy with Lumberjack and hadn’t checked.
She yanked me into a hug. “Corabelle, you look like death. Come in here.”
Color exploded throughout her tiny apartment, pink sofa, yellow chairs, big swaths of silk fabric hanging from the center of the ceiling like a circus tent. “Wow, Jenny.”
She whirled around the living room. “Like it? I never want to see anything dull.”
“You achieved that.” I realized I had not been in anyone’s apartment the whole year I had lived in San Diego, not until I walked into Gavin’s. When had I become a hermit? I sat down on the vivid sofa, pushing a sequin pillow aside.
She sank into one of the furry side chairs, plucking at the baby-chick fuzz. “So, you want to tell me what happened?”
I shook my head.
“Oookay. Well, let’s do girly things.” She popped out of her seat. “I’ll get the nail polish.”
I felt too exhausted for aiming colored lacquer at my nails, and when she disappeared, I dropped my head to the arm of the sofa. The images from Gavin’s phone wouldn’t leave me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the glowing round boobs of Lolly, the sprawled body of Candy. No wonder Gavin could send me spiraling so fast. He’d been learning from the best.
I wanted a doctor. VD tests. An antiseptic. Definitely a scalding shower.
I could hear Jenny opening and closing drawers. The need for blackness overwhelmed me. I wanted comfort, an escape from my own head. I knew I shouldn’t do it, as Jenny could come back any minute, but still, I held my breath, relaxing into the cushions, exhaling slowly to avoid my lungs forcing me to breathe. If I did it right, I’d be out, then asleep, and life would be so much more manageable.
Even with my eyes closed, the colored spots danced in front of me. My chest fought with me for a moment, then I started to go, slipping into oblivion.
It seemed only minutes passed before sounds woke me up, but the Hello Kitty clock on the wall read five o’clock. Something clanged in the kitchen, followed by Jenny’s “Dang it!”
Sequins imprinted my face. I’d fallen onto a sparkly pillow. I rubbed my fingers along the indentations on my cheek. My hair stuck up every direction, tangled into a mat.
Jenny’s head poked around the wall that divided the room. “Sleepyhead! I’m trying to make food. Somewhat successfully.”
I stood up but my legs wobbled, so I sat back down again. We’d spent too much time on that rock last night, and done too many things. The back of my shoulder blades were chafed. Well, that was over.
Something inside me wanted to escape, a wail, like a ghost’s lament. I should talk to Gavin, get it all out. But I just couldn’t. Even if all that was past, I couldn’t made peace with it, not now at least. Maybe eventually. I tried placing the image of Gavin with those paid women next to the one of him in high school, so sweet and clean-cut. It wouldn’t go. I felt like I had been with his evil twin, or a black-sheep brother.
Jenny sat next to me. “You ready to talk about it yet?”
She seemed so much like a doll, what had Gavin called her? Rainbow Brite. Her hair was extra pink, like she’d just recolored it, falling into a perfect set of bangs across her brow and straight down to her shoulders. Her eyebrows were always an exclamation, thin and rounded, as though she was permanently surprised.
“I’ll take that as a no,” she said, since I hadn’t moved or spoken. “Come over here and eat something.” She took my arm and led me over to a tiny table with two chairs. “I made some eggs and toast.”
The surface was painted with bright flowers. I traced the outlines of roses and tulips. When my fingers came across a butterfly, the wail filled me again, but I kept it inside, closing off any way for it to escape.
Jenny set a lime-green plate in front of me, prettily arranged with fluffy eggs and two triangles of toast. She placed the fork in my hand, closing my fingers around the silver handle. “I will feed you if you don’t eat it yourself.”
I slid the tines into a puff of egg and lifted it to my mouth. I swallowed and my stomach rebelled, flooding me with nausea. Jenny still watched me, so I picked up the toast and bit off a corner. At last she seemed satisfied and sat across the table.
“So I’m guessing this has to do with muscle man. Let me guess. He’s sticking more than one blowhole.”
I almost choked on the bread.
Jenny hopped up and fetched the orange juice she’d forgotten on the counter. “Here, drink.” She handed me the cup. “Man-meat like your ex always have girls on the side.”
If she only knew. I wished I had a delete button for my memory so that I could erase those images. Candy. Lolly. Couldn’t they have something more original? Maybe those were Gavin’s nicknames.
My stomach heaved, and I knew if I swallowed one more bite, it would come right back up.
“Okay,” Jenny said. “I can see we’re at DEFCON Five. When I see that boy in class tomorrow, I’m going to kick his muscled ass. AFTER I’ve filled his motorcycle with Karo syrup.”
“Don’t,” I choked out. “Don’t talk to him.”
“She speaks
.” Jenny leaned forward on the table. “She speaks only to defend the asshole who got her so upset in the first place.”
I stuck a fork in another bite of egg and shoved it in my mouth so I wouldn’t have to answer. It didn’t want to go down, but I forced it. I had to get a grip.
Jenny pushed up from the chair and paced in little circles. “Why aren’t there any nice guys? Sweet normal guys who open doors and buy you dinner and don’t have a room full of drugs or bonus women on nights and weekends?”
“I don’t think he was seeing someone else,” I said. I was settling back into something more akin to numb than grief, a comfortable place, nice and familiar.
She sat down again. “So what happened? Is he stalking your apartment?”
“I don’t know. After I left his place, I knew he’d follow me home.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get your message sooner.”
“It’s okay. I just hung out at Jerry’s Coffee Bar. It’s 24 hours.” Talking helped my stomach settle.
“You going to tell me what he did?”
“He didn’t do anything to me. I just found out some things.”
Jenny propped her chin on her hand. “I’m listening.”
“I just have to decide if I can live with it. I don’t want him around while I decide.”
She popped up out of her chair. “Fair enough. Let’s color those nails.”
When she disappeared into another room, I carried the plate into the kitchen. I was stuck getting a manicure, but this would be an opportunity to ask Jenny a favor. I needed her to take notes for me in astronomy until I was up for seeing Gavin again. For the first time in my entire life, I was going to skip class.
Chapter 37: Gavin
I knew exactly how Corabelle felt four years ago after the funeral. Lost. Confused. More worried than mad, although I could see how anger might figure into it.
She hadn’t answered any text messages or phone calls. She hadn’t been at home. She didn’t work Sundays, I knew, but I went to Cool Beans anyway. Some guy with dreadlocks was super interested in why I asked for her, but I didn’t tell him anything.
I spent most of Sunday in a funk. I figured when I saw the image of Candy on my phone that this was what got to her. I should have done something to block all those girls. But even after wrangling with the cell service for an hour, I couldn’t figure out how to do anything but mute the calls. I wanted to change my number, but Corabelle had it too. I couldn’t do anything about that now.
I should have lived my life differently. I should have accounted for the possibility of a second chance. All my mistakes lined up in front of me and no matter how I pummeled them, they didn’t fall.
Monday morning I put on the khakis and shirt Corabelle liked and rode over to campus, nervous as hell. She might not speak to me. She might punch me. I would take anything she dished out. I deserved it. But I had to make her see that those women were the past. Once I got her back, I had nothing to do with them, and I wouldn’t. I didn’t even want them. I hadn’t even thought of them. The pictures embarrassed me now.
I paused in our stairwell and gripped the rail. You didn’t find someone you loved and lost a long time ago just to lose them again. I refused to believe it. I wouldn’t let that happen.
The stairs blurred beneath my feet as I hurried to class. I searched for Corabelle, but her seat was empty. So was her friend Jenny’s on the other end.
I plunked down to wait, suddenly wondering if Corabelle would show at all.
The room filled up and the professor took his spot at the podium. At the last moment, Jenny dashed in and sat down. The TA Robert tried not to look at her, but I could see his hidden smile. If I couldn’t get anything from her, and I was betting I wouldn’t, he might be my way in.
I couldn’t pay attention to a damn thing during the lecture. At the end, I wished I had, because I could have offered my notes to Corabelle. But she probably wasn’t paying any attention to my messages. Shit.
Jenny took off like a pink streak after class. I tried to push my way into the hall in time to catch up, but she’d already gone down one stairwell or the other, and I had no idea how to catch her. I turned back to the room to get something out of Robert.
Robert shoved a folder in his backpack as I strode up. The blond TA, Amy, looked up expectantly, and I debated which one to approach. Hell, they were together.
“Corabelle wasn’t here,” I said to them both.
Amy looked away, annoyed. Robert shrugged. “Mondays. People skip.” He turned away.
I grabbed his arm. “How many classes can she miss before it affects her grade?”
“Two,” Amy said. “I’ll e-mail her if she misses another one.”
“What about the star parties?”
Robert tried to take off again, but I kept a grip on him.
“She has to make up all of those. You can’t miss.” Amy clutched her folder to her chest and turned away.
Robert looked down at my arm. “Dude, you going to let go?”
When Amy was halfway to the door, I said, “Jenny wanted to double date with us.”
He jerked his arm from me. “I’m sure your winning personality works with the ladies.” He tilted his head in the direction of Amy. “But you’re acting like Asshole #1 to me.”
“Did you talk to Jenny yesterday?” I was desperate. “Was Corabelle with her?”
Robert leaned against the podium. The room had emptied out. “So you alpha males can screw it up too. Good to know.”
My rage was building. “Did you talk to Jenny or not?”
“I’m not allowed to fraternize with students.”
“Cut the bullshit. The way I see it, I’ve got a number on you.” I knew I was putting on my don’t-fuck-with-me face, the one that always made people in Mexico move to the other side of the street, but I didn’t have time for clever conversation. “So tell me if Corabelle is with Jenny.”
“Of course she is. I didn’t go over there last night. She’s apparently strung out completely.” Robert looked disgusted. “You have no idea how to treat a woman.”
“And you’re Romeo. Right.”
Robert rocked back on his heels. “I have a way with the ladies.”
“Where does Jenny live?”
“Not going to tell you that.”
I didn’t have any more time for his bullshit. I grabbed a fistful of his T-shirt. “Fuck your job. I’m going to fuck up your pretty Romeo face if you don’t tell me where Corabelle is.”
I had to give him credit. He didn’t lose his cool whatsoever. “The thing about you over-testosteroned alpha males,” he said, laying his hands on my shoulders. “You just don’t get that aggression won’t get you anywhere with the nice girls. They go for the underdogs every time. So take a piece of my face. It’ll just get me more sympathy, and you will be further from your goal.”
Shit. I let go of his shirt and pushed him away. Little fucker was right. I backed off and stormed across the room.
“Hey, Thor.”
I turned around. “My name’s Gavin.”
“Right. Thor. I’ll tell you this. Don’t bother with Amy’s star party Wednesday. Corabelle won’t be there.”
“What do you mean? Amy said Corabelle had to go.”
“She already switched to mine. And I have no intention of letting you up there. Unless of course you want to get suspended. I might enjoy seeing that.” He smirked, like he had won the round.
I smashed my fists into the door, making it open so fast it rebounded against the wall outside. Corabelle meant more to me than this school. If I got suspended, I got suspended.
Chapter 38: Gavin
I purposefully went to my own star party with Amy on Wednesday to stay on everyone’s good side. We had to map the moon, which was almost full. The morning lecture had been about the lunar surface, and I’d forced myself to focus even though Corabelle’s empty seat distracted me. She probably had convinced the TAs to mark her present and I’d never see her again.
>
No, I would. I would show up to Thursday’s star party, whether ’90s boy wanted me there or not. Corabelle had to listen to me. She had to hear me out.
Work had been pure misery all day Thursday, but the rest of the crew gave me space. No one teased me about dropping wrenches or tossing boxes around. Bud hadn’t even moved me to throwing tires despite the very real risk that I’d break something rather than fix it.
I checked on Corabelle’s apartment every time I was out. There were never any lights on. The butterflies were thinning out, but I didn’t think she was taking them down. A few had fallen, and others were probably pilfered by neighbors.
Everyone at Cool Beans had to be protecting her. Twice I’d gone up there, but nobody would admit that they had seen her. No sign of her car either, but Jenny could be dropping her off. I couldn’t imagine Corabelle skipping work too. I wanted to crash into the dish room to see if she were hiding, but I hadn’t done it. If I didn’t see her tonight, that was my plan, though. To go in that back room and refuse to leave until I saw her.
As much as I wanted to storm the steps to the star party on the roof, I decided a kinder, gentler approach would serve me better. A few students milled around the base of the dorm where we held the labs. I took the elevator to the top floor, then crossed the hall to the stairs that led to the roof exit. A few other students were heading up, and I mixed in with them, hoping to stall the moment when Robert spotted me. I wanted to get Corabelle alone. To explain.
I knew I was done for when Amy stood at the doorway, checking everyone off as they passed through. They had never done that before. Still, I was committed, so I headed up behind the others, thinking maybe I could somehow push by while Amy searched for names.
My heart was hammering like I was about to head into a street fight, and this pissed me off. This was Corabelle, and a couple TAs. I could get past Amy.
She looked right into my face. “Gavin, what are you doing?”
