I wonder what it will be like when we move to Hollywood. What do you think it’ll be like?
Anyway. I’m going to shut the hell up. I’m being fucking stupid. Thanks for listening.
We got this.
Lucas
23
Gabriel
Standing on the rooftop of our nearly renovated building, I’m spending my lunch break with a few guys from the crew who are immersed in a conversation about the Lakers’ starting lineup.
Taking a bite of my turkey and swiss, I marvel at how blue the sky is today. Everything seems so much more vibrant and alive, like the city has an even stronger pulse.
Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that Lucas fucked me the other night. His gorgeous thick cock was inside me and I’ve kind of been on a high since then. I hope we can screw around again and soon, so that it doesn’t feel like such a dream.
Lou motions with his hand for Rich and Mickey to stop being so goddamn loud. He’s been on the phone for the past fifteen minutes with his son’s school. Guess his kid has some issues with bullying, poor thing. But at least he has a father who supports him.
I wonder what my folks would think if they saw me right now. The way I left—right in the middle of another fucking argument—was awful, but cathartic. They wanted me to graduate with a bachelor’s degree from a reputable college instead of dropping out and enrolling in on-line aviation courses. I only wanted to give it a good shot, but Dad told me it was a pipe dream, that kids who were as fucked up as me weren’t allowed to fly planes. My uncle was the only family member who gave me hope, told me I might meet some roadblocks but to keep pursuing it, that I’d figure out some things in the process. All I ever wanted was for somebody to give the real me a chance.
Looking back now, I figure whatever is wrong with my brain I inherited from my mom. Damn, the sound of her weeping in her room. Maybe she doesn’t have bipolar but definitely some kind of depression. I even tried talking to her about it after I’d been in therapy myself, but she refused to listen, and continued to be as emotionally unavailable to me as she always was.
I assume Dad didn’t know what the fuck to do with either my mother or me. So he worked a ton and got pissed a lot. I suppose with me gone, he at least got rid of one of us. My hand tightens into a fist and I consider lobbing the remainder of my food over the side of the building just to rid myself of the tension I feel every damn time I think about whether or not my mom is okay.
Though she may not have showed me she cared these past few years, I still wonder if she even has the capacity to express those emotions. But I can’t make excuses for her. Even Lucas’s mom, with all of her problems, told him she loved him. I make a mental note to ask him if his mother is doing okay.
And who the fuck knows about my dad? The bastard. If he saw me standing on the roof of a building wearing a hard hat he’d probably shit a brick, but at least it’s honorable work. And these guys are decent men.
My shoe scrapes against the ledge as I get a knee up and stare down at the pavement. Wonder what my father would do if he had to come all the way out here because my body was splattered on the ground. Oh, I’d pay to see his scrunched up face. Maybe then he’d realize how much he screwed up. What the hell good were As and Bs if you felt invisible to everyone around you?
“G man.” I hear the warning tone in Lou’s voice, as he holds the phone away from his mouth. He has enough on his plate to deal with and doesn’t need to be worrying about me too, so I step back and turn to the other guys, asking them what our next job will be after this one.
“Boss says we’ve got about a week left of work on this place,” Mickey tells me. We are only doing repairs to the damaged top floors from a huge water main leak. The drywall is going up and then the other electrical and plumbing skilled laborers will take over from there.
Rich tips his chin in Lou’s direction. He’s still got his ear plastered to the phone. “Lou says you’re a quick learner. Really coming along. Maybe Boss will throw more pay your way by the end of the year.”
“That would be cool,” I say with a bloom of pride in my chest. Sometimes I still eat up compliments like a kid starving for candy. More money would be nice. But I still have no aspirations to do this kind of work for the long haul.
“Hey Rich?” I ask as an afterthought. “You have your certification in structural engineering?”
“That’s right,” he replies. “Is that something you’re interested in?”
“Not me, but a friend,” I say and that’s when an idea hits me.
“Yeah?” Rich asks, leaning down to reach for his tool belt. “Your friend ever has any questions, I’ll be happy to help out.”
That’s the thing about these guys. There’s no competition—no rat race—just good, honest work. They might behave like overgrown apes sometimes, but you can count on them to help you out if you are ever in a jam.
I fish out my phone before my break is officially over. I promised Lucas a couple of weeks back that I’d surprise him like he did me at the airport. And since our night at the club, we’ve been texting non-stop.
I certainly didn’t have many expectations after he fucked me. Didn’t think Lucas would hold me the way he did all night long. Or give me such a tender kiss on my way out the door in the morning. It was goddamn awesome.
And maybe I’m in over my head but I’m already feeling shit for him that I’ve never felt for anybody before. Hell, I was probably already half in love with him when we were kids, but the real Lucas is that much more amazing. Sure, he’s broody and quiet but he says stuff that he doesn’t even realize makes my toes curl and my dick stand at attention. Plus he seems to get me. Really fucking get me.
I know it would be hard to get another weekend night off, I text. So how does your Thursday look?
My heart pounds just waiting for Lucas’s response. Who wants to know?
For a split second, I think he’s being serious, like he could forget me that easily.
Funny guy, I respond. The man you fucked into your mattress over the weekend.
I gather up my tools and hope I don’t sound too dumb or overeager.
Mmmmm, that guy? He was pretty damn hot.
A smile the size of the Hollywood sign stretches across my lips. Glad you think so. On my lunch break at work. These guys would kick my ass out of this building if they knew I was texting dirty shit to a dude.
A pause and then, What kind of building?
Lou ends his call and gives me the wrap it up signal with his finger. My thumbs fly over the keys. I promise to tell you all about it. So you’ll hang out with me again?
I follow Lou to the building stairwell as I read his response. I don’t know…will there be fucking involved?
I grin. Only if you share your raft again.
I roll my eyes at my own brand of cheese. But he responds instantly. Done.
* * *
I check my emails after work and see a response from the flight school about beginning lessons and the cost. Shit. I wonder if my student loan will cover a portion of it.
Maybe once I get up in the air on a regular basis, I won’t have this constant impulse to stay active, that blast of adrenaline that reminds me I’m alive, living and breathing. Even now I have the urge to take a walk around the city, just to keep moving, but I need to finish my homework first. Maybe I’ll ask Ezra to grab some dinner later.
I push back the truth that’s been staring me in the face. That the urge is from something else as well. Something that needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. Now that I have a response about those lessons, I’ll make that doctor’s appointment.
Lucas,
I’m writing this on the closet floor of the bedroom. My mom is crying, I got a C on a test today, and my dad is on a rampage.
Please hang in there a while longer. Fuck, do I want to be able to show up at your house and just… hold you, help you.
I’d make us eighteen, load you and your mom up in my car, drive us to
the city for a new beginning, and make everything all right.
I know it would all feel okay if we were together.
We got this.
Gabriel.
24
Lucas
I’ve never had a boyfriend. There’s only been one guy that I’ve slept with more than once. He was the kid—Billy, who I lost my virginity to when I was eighteen. I was out of juvie, alone and…hell, I probably just wanted to feel something, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.
He fucked me three times over a week. We’d text, meet up, screw, suck each other off in a bathroom, and that was it. Then one time I texted, and he didn’t reply. That was that. I didn’t try to get a hold of him again and he didn’t try to get a hold of me. We’d scratched each other’s itches, and were done with it.
So this? This thing I have with Gabe is…different. I don’t know what other word to use for it. Maybe, more?
It’s not that I think he’s my boyfriend. That sounds like such a weird fucking word, anyway, but he’s my friend. He’s been my friend longer than anyone has, and being with him feels different than getting fucked by Billy did. It’s different than the random hook-ups I’ve had over the years. If we stopped talking, I’d feel it in my gut…my chest. With him, it’s more than scratching an itch, and that’s scary, but not as scary as the thought of not having him around. Of somehow losing him, the way I lost her.
Shaking my head, I attempt to clear those thoughts. I’m not sure what’s going on with me, why I feel this foreign flutter in my gut. This mixture of fear, excitement and…fuck, I think it might be happiness.
I spent most of the day sketching skyscrapers and planes in my book before I get ready to go out with Gabriel tonight. He hasn’t told me what we’re doing—just to dress comfortably and that he’ll worry about everything else.
Oh, except for the ride. That’s on me.
It’s dark when I pull up to his apartment. Gabe’s waiting outside, a backpack slung over his shoulder and a big ass smile on his face. He pushes his hair out of his face as he jogs to Rusty. The door sticks just a little, and then he pulls it open, his blue eyes shining so bright they entrance me.
“This is going to be so amazing. I hope it is, at least. It better be. You’ll like it, I’m pretty sure.” He rambles on, and I can’t help but smile. I’ve never seen him radiating so much electric energy before. He looks happy. Really fucking happy.
“Come’ere,” I say because I want to taste him. Want to see if I can taste his joy on his lips.
Gabe leans over. My hand slides up and I cup his face, let my pinky finger make circles on his neck before I kiss him. He trembles. I’m not sure if he was shaking before I kissed him, for some reason, but I feel it, and then I think I might be trembling too.
His tongue traces my lips, slowly, languidly until he pushes forward, more eager, more excited like he can’t get enough of me.
Pulling back, I grin at him. Before I get a chance to say anything, Gabe does. “You like me. You like touching me now.”
“You’re cocky.” I wink at him, put the car in gear and start to pull away. But he’s right…and I think maybe I should tell him. “And I do.”
“That makes two of us.” Gabe reaches over and puts his hand on my leg. His pointer finger taps against my jeans as though he’s following a beat that I don’t hear.
The whole time he’s giving me directions to wherever we’re going, his hand is still on me, his finger still making music.
“I’d like to look through your old sketchbooks sometime,” he says. His words make my insides twist.
“I don’t have the old ones. Lost them all when I was locked up.” Along with everything else we ever owned, tossed in the dumpster to make room for the next tenant.
“I’m sorry,” he says, the drumming on my thigh going faster.
I shrug. “It is what it is.” But really, it fucking sucks. “I’ll show you my new ones, though.”
He nods and then gives me directions.
Gabe steers me to the far side of downtown LA. Before long we’re driving through a neighborhood surrounded by skyscrapers…some of them finished, some of them not.
My pulse starts going wild, trying to match the beat that Gabe is drumming on my thigh. I know what we’re doing here. Know where he’s taking me, or at least I think I do.
“Go left. If you stay toward the edge of the lot, you can get around posts and make it behind the building.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, but I ignore it. If Gabe thought we could get into trouble for this, he wouldn’t do it.
When we pull up behind the building, I realize what they mean by pitch black. You can’t see anything, which I’m pretty sure is Gabriel’s plan because we probably aren’t supposed to be here.
“Park down toward the very end,” he tells me, so I drive over and kill the engine. “Come on.” He opens the door and exits before holding his hand out. I take it, and let him help me climb over the seat before I tumble of out the car.
Gabe opens the bag and pulls two flashlights out, before handing one to me. I take it from him, almost asking if he’s sure this is cool, but trying not to seem like I’m not appreciative.
I follow Gabe to the building. We slip under yellow tape and past some cones before making it to a huge piece of wood. “Can you help?” he asks, before grabbing one side. I take the other and then we move it out of the way. Without another word, Gabe gets onto the ground and crawls inside the building through an open space for a window.
A heavy feeling settles into my gut, but still I follow him, and crawl inside. I can’t get into trouble. I can’t. When I got sent to juvie, I promised myself that was the end of that kind of shit for me. “Are you sure this is okay?” I ask when we get inside. “I don’t want to get into trouble.”
The flashlights are bright enough that I can see a sting of disappointment in Gabe’s face. “I wouldn’t bring you here if I thought we would get caught. It’s fine. No one comes out here, and the building is safe. It was our last job and the plumbing is almost all done now. Next is electrical. I’m cool if you want to leave but…” He shrugs. “I wanted to come with you to explore the kind of building you’ll make one day.”
Jesus, that is cool. So fucking cool. No one has ever wanted to do something like this for me.
Forcing my eyes away from Gabe’s I look around—see the beams and posts, walls, all making something incredible. A building that feels like it’s tucked into the stars.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I wasn’t thinking. I thought—”
“No,” I cut him off. “This is amazing. Come on. Let’s go.” The nerves are still there, teasing my thoughts, but I try to ignore it.
Gabe smiles and grabs my hand, and we run over to the door. When he opens it, I see stairs behind it. “Come on,” he nods toward them. “Let’s go to the top.”
I get this unexpected giddy feeling in my gut. We take the steps as fast as we can, like we’re fucking kids or something, excited for a pretend adventure.
I’m not sure why, but Gabe laughs and then I laugh as we keep going higher, and higher, and higher.
Suddenly I’m chasing him, and then he’s bursting through a door and we’re on the roof. It’s like we’re in the fucking sky. The night air rushes around me, the sound of the city below us, and the stars so close, yet still so fucking far away.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I turn in circles looking at everything—the city lights in town, the cars speeding below.
My heart is beating harder than it’s ever beat in my whole life. I’m breathing deeply like I can’t catch my breath, but it’s so fucking cool that it doesn’t even matter if I can’t.
This is what I want. This is what I want to do. I want to make buildings that are bigger than anything else I could ever have in my life.
“Thank you,” I tell Gabriel, who’s smiling at me.
“You like it?” he asks, sounding unsure.
“I do
. I fucking love it.”
He leans against the wall, by the door that leads back inside the building. He traces the roof with his flashlight and I follow it, looking in every corner. He must realize we don’t need them, with the lights from the buildings in front and on the sides of us, because he turns it off. “Why aren’t you doing this, Lucas? Why aren’t you trying to build your skyscrapers?”
His question is like a knife to the gut—the gut and in my back, even though he doesn’t know how hard it is for me. Why should I get to do what I want, if she couldn’t? Not when I let her down. And…what if I can’t? What if I’m not smart enough or good enough?
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to…” he pushes off the wall, but before he can move toward me, I’m moving toward him. I slide down the metal and sit on the ground, and then he’s there with me, next to me, his body against mine. He’s warm and safe and smells so fucking good.
“Because I can’t,” I make myself tell him.
“Why can’t you?”
“I don’t know.” But I do. I drop my head back and look at the sky. “Because I don’t know if I’m smart enough. If I’m good enough, and…I promised her. Fuck, I promised her, Gabe. I told her I would be better than she was. That I’d make sure I had a better life than she did.”
He sucks in a deep breath, and I know he realizes now that she’s gone.
My chest feels like it’s cracking open, like my guts and my lungs and my heart are all going to spill free. I’ve never talked to anyone about my mom. Not about the drinking when she was alive, or how I left her behind. How I left her to die. No one except Gabe. He knows the before, and now he’s going to know the after.
25
Gabriel
Goddammit. My chest throbs like somebody is tightening it with a screw. Lucas is in my arms and he’s so fucking wrecked. His mom is dead. Holy fuck, she’s dead.
Touch the Sky (Free Fall Book 1) Page 12
