by KJ Harlow
“You know what, you’re right,” Yoshi said, slipping his device back into his pocket. “I’m going to buy some supplies and then hold onto the rest.”
“Supplies which include new clothes for us, yeah?” Soph suggested.
“What ever happened to your winnings from the Battle Theater?” Yoshi said, raising an eyebrow.
“Used them all up. Need more.”
“Don’t lie and fat chance. Now just be quiet for a sec.”
He ignored his flying-type’s indignant squawking, stepped back and crossed his arms. He had become so used to seeing his girlfriends in bikinis, he almost wished he could stay in Sapphire a bit longer. Hopefully there are pools on this cruise ship.
NAME: Serenette (Starry)
NATURE: Reserved
TYPE: Interstellar
ACC.: Cat Eyes Tee
LEVEL: 23
HP: 73/73
- ATTACK: 23
- DEFENCE: 19
- SPCL ATTACK: 25
- SPCL DEFENCE: 24
- SPEED: 21
MOVESET:
Gaze - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Lower defence by staring into opponent’s eyes, stun effect for 3 seconds.
Siren Song - Type: Interstellar - 30/30 PP (Devastates foes with a hope-dashing song, 40% chance of confusion.)
NAME: Sophie (Soph)
NATURE: Bossy
TYPE: Flying
ACC.: Sakura Speedrobe
LEVEL: 25
HP: 66/66
- ATTACK: 29
- DEFENCE: 23
- SPCL ATTACK: 21
- SPCL DEFENCE: 20
- SPEED: 30 (+3)
MOVESET:
Bird Run - Type: Flying - 35/35 PP (Run at foes and crash tackle them)
Sand Screen - Type: Normal - 40/40 PP (Lower accuracy by kicking and flapping sand up into opponent’s face)
Fell Swoop - Type: Flying - 20/20 PP (Launch up and dive at foe. 5% recoil damage)
Dagger Wing - Type: Steel - 15/15 PP (strike down foes with sharpened metallic wings [bird-kin only])
NAME: Felicity (Flick)
NATURE: Playful
TYPE: Water
ACC.: Iridescentia
LEVEL: 25
HP: 87/87
- ATTACK: 23
- DEFENCE: 24
- SPCL ATTACK: 29 (+2)
- SPCL DEFENCE: 23
- SPEED: 24
MOVESET:
Water Slap - Type: Water - 35/35 PP (Deals a wet, punishing slap that has 20% chance of causing confusion)
Flash - Type: Normal - 40/40 PP (Produce blinding light that drops accuracy by 50%)
Water Barrier - Type: Water - 15/15 PP (produces a water barrier that sharply increases DEFENCE and SPCL DEFENCE. Lasts 2 turns.)
He disengaged his remaining two rings and stared at them until the full stats floated up:
NAME: Crystal
NATURE: Unflappable
TYPE: Rock
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 18
HP: 56/56
- ATTACK: 21
- DEFENCE: 29
- SPCL ATTACK: 24
- SPCL DEFENCE: 28
- SPEED: 15
MOVESET:
Boulder Punch - Type: Rock - 30/30 PP (Strike with a earth shattering force)
Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Bide energy for two turns before unleashing it on the third. Deals triple SPCL
ATTACK)
Bone Fissure - Type: Rock - 20/20 PP (Strike critical areas on enemies’ bodies, halving ATTACK points until the end of the battle)
NAME: Lifee (Arlif)
NATURE: Playful
TYPE: Grass/Poison
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 19
HP: 70/70
- ATTACK: 21
- DEFENCE: 17
- SPCL ATTACK: 19
- SPCL DEFENCE: 17
- SPEED: 17
MOVESET:
Nettle Sting - Type: Poison - 25/25 PP (Fires poison barbs in one direction that secrete a venom of varying efficacy. 40% chance of Poison.)
Shoulder Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Ram foes with your shoulder)
Branch Swords - Type: Grass - 30/30 PP (Strikes up to five times with branches in each hand. Critical Hit percentage +10% for each successful strike).
“Actually, let me try out my new toy…” Yoshi had opened and carefully taken out the GF-wiki Cascade X after yesterday’s meeting with the mayor finished. A visualization of a waterfall crashing across the crystal-clear transparent screen before it loaded.
Welcome to the GF-wiki Cascade X.
This device has the TP Scan built into it, allowing you to see the percentage distribution of TPs for a particular girlfriend, which can be thought of as her genetic makeup. This can help you predict which TPs will be passed down to offspring, as well as stat growth rate.
Direct the sensor at a captured or wild girlfriend to identify her TP distribution, along with her entry in the Ohno Girlfriend Index.
He pointed it at Starry:
Thorn Point (TP) Distribution for Serenette (Starry)
HP: 15%
ATTACK: 11%
DEFENCE: 10%
SPCL ATTACK: 29%
SPCL DEFENCE: 28%
SPEED: 7%
Neeeeat. He moved along to his water-type and flying-type:
Thorn Point (TP) Distribution for Felicity (Flick)
HP: 28%
ATTACK: 10%
DEFENCE: 11%
SPCL ATTACK: 31%
SPCL DEFENCE: 10%
SPEED: 11%
Thorn Point (TP) Distribution for Sophie (Soph)
HP: 15%
ATTACK: 25%
DEFENCE: 12%
SPCL ATTACK: 13%
SPCL DEFENCE: 12%
SPEED: 23%
“Can I have a look?”
“Yeah, sure.” He placed it in her palm. She pointed it at him. A loading modal popped up then…
Error. Target is not a girlfriend.
“Didn’t Thorn say that you could also record your stats here too?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to. It’s probably in beta phase anyway. He said that he just–”
Sophie used Dagger Wing!
SWISSSHHHHHHH!
Yoshi’s fringe fluttered to the ground. Blood oozed from the gash on his forehead.
“What the fuck, Soph?” Yoshi screeched. “You could have chopped my head off!”
“Chillax bro, I’m a pro.”
Yoshi swung his bag onto the ground and started rummaging through it, looking for a bandage. Flick held the GF-wiki under his head, catching a drop of blood that fell and landed on the screen.
Male blood detected.
Analyzing TPs…
Mapping out simulated statistics…
Complete.
“Wow, that was quick.” Flick dripped some water from her palms and wiped the blood off. She looked at it for a moment before turning a golden yellow in mirth. “You are soooo weak!” she snorted, stifling her laughs.
“What? Show me that.” He snatched the GF-wiki off her and glared at the screen:
Thorn Point (TP) Distribution for Yoshi Soysauce (Male) (Simulated)
HP: 16.66%
ATTACK: 16.66%
DEFENCE: 16.66%
SPCL ATTACK: 16.66%
SPCL DEFENCE: 16.66%
SPEED: 16.66%
He swiped right:
NAME: Yoshi Soysauce
NATURE: NIL
TYPE: NIL
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 6
HP: 8/9
- ATTACK: 5
- DEFENCE: 4
- SPCL ATTACK: 2
- SPCL DEFENCE: 1
- SPEED: 3
MOVESET:
NIL
“Level 6? Buahahaha!” Soph was literally rolling on the floor laughing.
“Stop it, you two,” Starry chastised. She crouched and wiped the blood from his head. “That’s why you have us. We fight so you don’t have to.”
Yoshi didn’t know how to feel about that. He knew that these were simulated stats, but seriously? Level 6? That meant that he could only just theoretically beat girlfriends who had just reached adult maturation. Speaking of which…
“Oh yeah, I need to check out the GGN. #230 said that my daughters are pending to be transferred back to me.” Daughters… don’t think I’m ever going to get used to that.
“Better be careful, bossman, if they ain’t happy with their daddy, they might beat you up.” She laughed and sucked in one of the feathers that had come off her body and started coughing violently.
“Hope one of them is a flying-type. I’ll swap you out for her. That’ll shut you up.”
Welcome to the Global Girlfriend Network.
Please scan ID.
Yoshi chuckled. To think that since the last time I was here, I had been kidnapped, turned into a sperm bank, fucked an OP dragon/grass-type and fathered several daughters.
Please place your hand on the panel.
He pressed his hand to the gridlines and waited. A pleasant chime filled the booth.
Welcome, Yoshi Soysauce.
Version 3.0.0.1 (Project Auto-Train) of the Global Girlfriend Network is now live. This release enables deposited girlfriends to battle other eligible girlfriends on the Network. You will gain no Coins from these battles but your girlfriends can gain EXP on auto-pilot. The EXP gained is approximately 20% of the amount gained if the battle took place in the “real” world.
Battle moves will be automatically learned. If the evolution level is reached, evolution will be postponed until the next time you log into the GGN. Girlfriends will be automatically healed after every battle, courtesy of our partnership with Mr. Pampers. The introductory rate for this service is 300 Coins a month.
Do you wish to enrol?
Yes/No
Ooooh, that’s pretty neat. Yoshi wondered how he would manage training all of his girlfriends once he caught more. At least this way, they could keep getting stronger.
Yes
Contacting your bank…
Creating subscription…
Congratulations, you are now enrolled in Project Auto-Train!
What would you like to do today?
Adopt (7)
Deposit
Release
Send
Trade
Withdraw
Cancel Auto-Train
“Holy shit, seven adoption notices?” Yoshi’s finger hovered over the first option. Time to meet my daughters.
He pressed ‘Adopt (7)’ and the menu disappeared. Moments later, a list of girlfriends appeared. He flicked upwards with his finger and went to the bottom before going back to the top.
NAME: Aion
LEVEL: 5
HP: 25/25
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Fiona
LEVEL: 5
HP: 22/22
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Sophie
LEVEL: 6
HP: 28/28
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Fumi
LEVEL: 6
HP: 27/27
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Blushy
LEVEL: 5
HP: 21/21
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Labby
LEVEL: 6
HP: 28/28
Adopt?
Y/N
NAME: Mishal
LEVEL: 5
HP: 26/26
Adopt?
Y/N
Wow, I made these girlfriends... I mean daughters. He sat there staring at the list, not sure what to do. Duh, adopt them all first. He hit ‘Y’ next to under each of his daughters.
Fiona, Sophie and Labby he was obviously intimately familiar with. The other four, not so much. He selected each one and waited for their stats and GF-wiki data to load side by side:
NAME: Aion
NATURE: Vain
TYPE: Steel
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 5
HP: 25/25
- ATTACK: 5
- DEFENCE: 9
- SPCL ATTACK: 8
- SPCL DEFENCE: 7
- SPEED: 6
MOVESET:
Shoulder Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Ram foes with your shoulder)
Name: Aion (Level 5)
Entry #: 55
Species: Gym Bunny
TYPE: Steel
Nature: Vain
Rarity: *
Don’t be fooled by the long ears and buckteeth. Underneath all that white fur are steel-cut muscles that can literally crush rock. The only thing she likes more than curling iron is making sure her selfie game is on point.
NAME: Fumi
NATURE: Anxious
TYPE: Poison
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 6
HP: 27/27
- ATTACK: 6
- DEFENCE: 6
- SPCL ATTACK: 6
- SPCL DEFENCE: 6
- SPEED: 6
MOVESET:
Gas Out - Type: Poison - 35/35 PP (Breathe noxious gas at opponent, 47% chance of Poison.)
Name: Fumi
Entry #: 63
Species: Asthmatic
Type: Poison
Nature: Anxious
Rarity: *
Dark, smoky skin, frizzy, curly red hair. Puffs of purple mist with every wheezy breath… Fumi’s biggest enemy is her self-consciousness. However, when used properly, she is very useful for capturing wild girlfriends.
NAME: Blushy
NATURE: Daydreamer
TYPE: Normal
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 5
HP: 21/21
- ATTACK: 5
- DEFENCE: 5
- SPCL ATTACK: 5
- SPCL DEFENCE: 5
- SPEED: 5
MOVESET:
Shoulder Charge Type: Normal 30/30 PP (Ram foes with your shoulder)
Lullaby - Type: Fairy - 20/20 PP (Sing a song that puts foes to sleep. 65% chance of Sleep.)
Name: Blushy
Entry #: 11
Species: Song Writer
Type: Normal
Nature: Daydreamer
Rarity: *
Blushies love nothing more than letting their creative, right-brain take over in the form of songwriting. With dedicated training and discipline, this passion can be turned into devastating moves that have a varying range of effects on foes.
NAME: Mishal
NATURE: Sultry
TYPE: Fire
ACC.: NIL
LEVEL: 5
HP: 26/26
- ATTACK: 3
- DEFENCE: 4
- SPCL ATTACK: 7
- SPCL DEFENCE: 5
- SPEED: 5
MOVESET:
Hipnotize - Type: Psychic - 30/30 PP (Sways hips in rhythmic , circular motions. 60% chance of Sleep)
Vulcan Kiss - Type: Fire - 30/30 PP (Breathes flames of passion that torch foes. 35% chance of Burn)
Name: Mishal
Entry #: 33
Species: Belly Dancer
Type: Fire
Nature: Sultry
Rarity: *
From the moment she is born, Misha’s purpose is to master the art of Belly Dancing. So dedicated is she to this cause that she has been known to walk on hot coals while carrying a bucket of water on her head to perfect her posture and balance.
Yoshi rubbed his hands together. I’ve got one more slot on my belt. Which girlfriend is it going to be? If the nice and even TPs were anything to go by, Blushy and Fumi were examples of the girlfriends who had inherited his Response Gene. If he just left them to auto-train, they would be completely fine. Mishal and Aion had ‘normal’ distributed stats. They were the ones who would benefit more from EXP in the real world.
Yoshi scratched his chin. A fire-type and a metal-type… both were cool. Having a metal-type would be handy. Soph’s Dagger Wing proved how powerful metal-type moves
could be. Then again, he’d always found fire-types hot (literally and sexually). Dude, she’s your daughter. He banished the dirty and illegal thoughts from his mind.
Think. You’re going to come back and take on Chester – an expert in water-types – for the Sapphire badge, so training a fire-type isn’t a wise idea.
“Aion it is.”
Withdraw Aion?
Yes/No
Yes
Please insert new GF-ring into slot provided.
Withdrawing Aion now…
Your girlfriend has been withdrawn.
Are you sure you wish to exit?
Yes/No
Yes
Thank you for using the Global Girlfriend Network. See you next time!
22
Upon Waters Blue
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
Yoshi squealed and jumped three feet into the air.
Chester pretended not to see it. “Yoshi, this is Captain Jonny Maplefingers.”
Yoshi looked down at the captain’s extended hand. It had been carved out of fine redwood. Six GF-rings were slotted on his four fingers. He shook it, careful not to squeeze too hard.
“Might I ask how you lost your hand?”
“I was fistin’ a Harpie and her vagina bit it off.”
Yoshi stopped, only just managing not to yank his hand away in horror. “I see.”
“Sorry about that racket,” he growled. “That’d be the sailors testin’ Cruisy’s pipes.” He crossed his arms and scowled over his shoulder.
“Yoshi and his girlfriends will be taking my place on Cruisy McCruiseface’s maiden voyage. Hope that’s alright with you.”
“Fine by me. I hear your hands are fuller than a man fondling the breasts of a Buxom these days,” Maplefingers chortled.
“Something like that.” Chester said with half a smile while glancing at Yoshi. “I’ve known Captain Maplefingers since I was a child. I have him to thank for my love of water-type girlfriends.”
