by Abi Ketner
A blood-curdling scream bounces off the bare halls. My scream.
“What exactly did you do? What did you do to my father? And don’t lie to me, Cole! This is my father we’re talking about! I need to know everything.” Spit flies from my mouth, and my ears ring.
“Lexi, trust me, you don’t want the nightmares, the visuals, the sounds. They will haunt you as they do me.”
But I stand my ground, and by the look on his face, he’s well aware I’m not letting this go. “Cole, the truth. Now.”
“The Commander needed to know what your father knew, what his plans were, and he was willing to do whatever it took to get the answers.” He pauses. “One by one, the Commander forced me to extract his fingernails. Your father grit his teeth, and even though I knew it was agonizing for him, he said nothing.” Sweat pours down Cole’s face, the vein pulsing in his forehead. “When that didn’t work, I punched him in the face multiple times until there was blood gushing from his nose and he was practically gagging on his own blood. His teeth hit the floor, and his eyes were swollen shut.” Cole takes a deep breath and clenches his fists.
“‘Keep going,’ the Commander ordered. So we waterboarded him several times, and I felt sick, sick to my stomach as he almost drowned every time. I remember trying to breathe for him as he was gasping for air. He was limp in my arms when I dragged him back to the chair under the lights.
“‘Sir,’ I said to the Commander. ‘I think he’s had enough.’ But he said, ‘You’re only done when I say you’re done, now continue, soldier.’ He questioned your dad. ‘Tell me who you’re working with,’ he commanded. But your dad didn’t break. The Commander screamed at him, ‘I know your family, I know your sexy, beautiful wife. I could take her for my own when you’re dead.’ Your father didn’t flinch as the Commander went on describing your family in detail. ‘Your oldest son, Keegan …’ Your father grimaced at the mention of his name. ‘It’d be so easy to have him accused. I could even tell him you’re the one who did it. And Lexi, sweet, pretty, young Lexi, with her turquoise eyes and her curly hair … she’d make a great whore in the Hole.’ That’s when your dad finally started crying.
“But he still didn’t slip, not once. Not even when the Commander tore off his shirt and made me handcuff him to the table. Your father kept his head down, and I remember hearing him pray. My hand shook as I held the leather handle of the whip. My palms were sweaty, making it harder to grip … and there was a lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow. The Commander removed his chair, and then your father leaned onto the table for support, his hands still cuffed to the bar. I stood still, like stone. Looking at his scar-less back, knowing I was about to tear it to shreds.
“‘Hamilton, are you ready to talk?’ the Commander asked him.
“‘I have nothing to say,’ your dad replied in a calm tone.
“‘You know I have the power to take everything away from you,’ the Commander screamed in frustration. I could see the red flush crawling up his neck as his eyes bulged in that terrible way we both know so well.
“With blood spurting from his mouth, your dad said, ‘Even if you kill me, my family will become stronger, more powerful than you can dream. So get on with it.’
“‘Suit yourself.’ The Commander smiled and searched for my eyes. ‘Begin. And don’t stop till you’re told.’
“Instantly, my body froze. I don’t know what came over me, but I turned to the Commander and said, ‘I’m done, sir. He’s made it quite clear he’s not going to say anything.’ He wasn’t going to suffer by my hands any longer. All I knew was this was wrong. And I was done following through with this torture. The Commander said, ‘Soldier, you’re dismissed. I’ll deal with you later.’
“I was taken back to my barracks and waited for my own punishment, but before I left, your father caught my gaze. His eyes, like yours, pierced my soul. He nodded at me, and even in his pain, he thanked me.” Tears stream down Cole’s face, and he crumples to his knees.
“He said to me, ‘There’s still hope for you yet.’ After I closed the door, I heard his screams echoing down the hallway.” Cole completely breaks down, his hands covering his face as he gasps for air, sobs wracking his shoulders. “I can’t take it back, and I want so bad to erase the memory, to erase what your father had to endure. But, Lexi, I can’t, and it’s killing me.” He looks up at me with bloodshot eyes and tries to grab my hand.
I hold up my hand to stop him. “Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me.”
“I’m so sorry.” He chokes on his words. “I would do anything to go back and change what happened. I don’t want … your father’s blood on my hands.”
My cheeks are wet with tears, and I have to hold my fists at my sides to keep from attacking him. “How … Why didn’t you tell me before? Didn’t you think I had a right to know that you knew my father? That you tortured him? And to think, all the times I said to you that I wished you could’ve met him. And you already had. And yet, you still said nothing.”
He lips part as he tries to catch his breath, and he closes his eyes. “I was trying to protect you.”
“By lying to me?”
“By avoiding causing you pain.”
“What the hell do you think you just did!”
“Lexi … ”
“You took my father away from us—from me.”
“And if it wasn’t me, it would’ve been someone else. Either way, it was going to happen. Your father knew it. That’s why he didn’t fight me.”
“How dare you! If he had any idea he was going to be arrested, he would’ve taken us and ran. He would have protected us. Protected me.”
“No, he wouldn’t have run.”
“Oh. And you knew him better than me, huh? You think a couple of hours torturing an innocent man means you know it all.”
“Your father was a smart man. He was well aware that if he didn’t come willingly, we would’ve been ordered to kill his family. He was protecting you.”
Of course he was. My father always put his family first; I know that. But that doesn’t ease the burning anger building in my chest.
“I trusted you,” I say, as I step away from Cole.
“I warned you I wasn’t worthy of that honor,” he says. He slumps against the wall, looking small and weak and broken.
“I can’t believe I allowed myself to be so duped into thinking you were better than any other guard. You’re no different than Wilson!”
“Please. Don’t do this.” His voice sounds defeated. I feel nothing but rage.
“Right now, you are the last person I want to be around.”
“But …” His voice cracks.
“Hey, guys, everything okay?” Bill asks, his voice slicing into the tense air between us.
“No, we’re in the middle of something,” Cole says.
I clench my fists. “Actually, we’re quite done,” I say in a shaky voice. With tears spilling down my face, I try to hide in the shadows. But judging from Bill’s raised eyebrows, he already knows something’s not right.
“I came for Lusty, but if you’re busy—”
“I’m not.”
“Lexi,” Cole begs.
“What’s going on?” I ask Bill.
“Amber’s in a lot of pain, and I don’t know what to do for her,” Bill says.
“Okay, let’s go,” I say.
“I’ll meet you there,” Bill says. He practically runs away from me.
“I know it’s selfish to ask, but please forgive me,” Cole says.
I wipe tears away with my fists as I turn to Cole. “Forgive you for lying to me about my father? And what you did to him? He was everything to me, and the man I love was the man who took him away. I need time. I need time to process this, and I’m asking you to give me space.”
He nods, the shadows dancing on the dark pits below his eyes. “All right. If that’s what you need,” he says, his voice weak. His Adam’s apple bobs, and he rests his head in his hands.
I can’t
feel pity for him. I won’t. “It is.”
Clenching my jaw to keep from falling apart, I turn away from Cole and try to focus on Amber and her sickness. But in the back of my mind, I play out the scene of Cole beating my dad mercilessly as the Commander watches. I stop and dry heave in the hallway but don’t feel any better afterward.
I want to punch the wall or kick something or scream. Right before I enter Amber’s room, I stop and press my forehead against the wall, placing my hands next to my head as the tears freely fall. I practice breathing in an effort to calm my burning rage.
I hear Amber in her room, moaning and groaning. Straightening my shoulders, I walk through the door in time to see her flipping restlessly from one side to the other on her bed. She mutters to herself and then leaps out of bed and paces. Her head snaps in my direction. She looks like she’s been crying. Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen almost completely shut.
“You must enjoy seeing me like this,” she says.
“Amber, you know that’s not true.”
She laughs. “You’re a terrible liar.”
“Shut up,” I say.
The corners of her mouth curl upward. “Well, look on the bright side: at least you’re not dying like me.”
I shake my head. “Who said you’re dying?”
“Nobody has to tell me. I already know.”
“You can’t give up hope—”
“You’re joking, right?” she says with anger and sarcasm. “It’s not a vaccine. You think I’m too stupid to know that?”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because Wilson wouldn’t waste money to save Sinners. Wilson only cares about Wilson and what he can take from whomever he thinks has more than him. Sinners have nothing. We are useless to him.”
Amber clutches her stomach and doubles over, wailing in pain as she falls to the floor. She clenches her teeth and screams. I drop to my knees and put my hand on her back.
“Amber, what can I do? Believe it or not, I want to help you.”
She turns her face toward me, and her eyes dart to mine. “Shoot me,” she says with desperation. Her voice comes out in a low groan edged with misery.
“No. I’m not going to kill you.”
“I’m not asking. I’m telling,” she says.
I shake my head.
“The pain’s unbearable, it feels like someone’s burning me with a torch.”
“All the time?” I ask.
“No, but … soon … it’ll be constant.” She writhes forward, screaming between words. She pants, and her mouth opens, her lips pulling back with each scream. Her hands fly from her stomach to her hair. Strands become entangled with her fingers, and thin pieces fall to the floor in patches. Her eyes are as wide as quarters as she opens them again. She collapses forward onto all fours. I grab her arm, trying my best to stay composed while my skin’s crawling.
“I’m begging you to shoot me.”
“And I already said no. If you want to go ahead and shoot yourself … that’s your decision.”
“I can’t,” she says.
“Why not?”
“I’m not strong enough to pull the trigger. Emotionally, I can’t do it. But you are. I know you are, because you hate watching people suffer.”
“You’re right, Amber, I do. But you could still live through this.”
Amber sits up and shoves my arm away from her. She’s on my level now, and we sit face to face. The hair on the back of my neck stands up.
“I’m not going to survive. No one ever does.”
“Don’t say that.”
“And why not? It’s the damn truth. But lucky for me, I’m dying quickly. So I won’t linger like Alyssa did.”
Hearing her name knocks the wind right out of me. I gasp and put my hand out to steady myself against the wall. Suddenly, my mouth’s as dry as sand. I shake my head.
“What?” I ask. “For a minute, I thought you said ‘Alyssa.’”
She narrows her eyes. “I did.”
“No. No way. She didn’t have the virus you have,” I manage to say as I feel a sudden cold freeze my core.
Amber cocks her head at me. “The only difference between us is that her death was peaceful. She had morphine. You have nothing to give me, and so, what? You’re just going to sit there and watch me while I suffer, listen to me scream? Are you gonna watch me waste away while the virus eats my insides? I’ve seen what this thing does to people. Without pain medication, I’m going to be in excruciating pain … ’til the end.”
“Amber … ”
“Lexi, try to understand. I don’t want the virus to be what actually kills me. The last thing I want is for Wilson to have that kind of power over me. And you of all people … should understand that.”
I shake my head, drawing my arms into myself. “Alyssa didn’t have this virus.”
Amber’s face tightens, and for a moment, her eyes look almost sad, but then she closes them for a second and clears her throat.
“When Alyssa arrived at the hospital her temperature was so high, she was seizing. The uncontrollable vomiting came next, followed by hallucinations. And when the hallucinations finally stopped, that’s when the crippling, unbearable pain began.”
“You’re lying.” My voice comes out angry and strained.
“Lexi, I might not like you, but I’ve never lied to you.”
“Alyssa didn’t have this virus!” I say with a trembling voice.
“By the time you arrived, the black ring on her arm had already faded. So, yes, Lexi. She did.”
“No,” I spit at her. I stand, and the room spins as I try to steady myself. “She couldn’t have.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“She was one of Wilson’s lab rats,” Amber says. “Just like me. Only she didn’t have a choice, and I was stupid enough to think I did.”
Suddenly, my ears pound. Rage runs through my body, and I take off running.
I don’t see or hear anything but myself breathing hard and fast. I focus on sprinting to the restrooms. When I reach the door, I kick it open and flick the lights on. Taking a quick look around, I dart to the stalls and begin kicking the doors repeatedly, listening to them slam into the walls. Metallic banging echoes all around me, but I don’t care.
“Son of a bitch!” I scream, as I rear up to plant my foot in the door. The muscles in my arms strain as I grasp the metal framework. Nothing compares to the pain that’s ripping my heart apart, shredding it like a blender. I drive my foot into the door until I’m exhausted. I hunch over, trying to catch my breath. The door hangs off one hinge. My body’s spent. I’m sweating and breathing hard, and my mind’s still running a marathon. The hows and whys of the last two conversations are weighing on me. How could I have been so blind? Cole has been lying to me since the day we met. And Sutton lied to me about Alyssa.
Someone grabs my arm, and I turn my head. Cole’s there, with Zeus by his side.
“Lexi, calm down.” Cole’s voice drips with pain.
“Leave me alone!” I shout.
He grabs me and slams me into his chest as I bang on him with my fists. I crumble against him, hating him and loving him all at once.
It’s like someone took a knife and split me open. Grabbing fists of his shirt, I convulse, tears pouring down my face.
Cole’s arms tighten around me as he scoops me up and lowers himself to the ground. He sits against the wall and holds on to me like he’s never done before. He’s trying, but nothing will lessen the pain I feel.
“Lexi, you might hate me right now. But when you’re hurting like this, all I know is … I need to hold you.”
My shoulders shudder at his words. I’m too defeated and broken to break free from his arms. All I see is Alyssa’s face, all I smell is Alyssa’s hair, and all I hear is her saying … “Don’t let me die. I don’t want to die a Sinner. Don’t let me die.”
But she did die, and I let her down.
Why not me? Why her? Why my dad? I would’ve taken their places. She
was only a child. How could anyone but the devil himself experiment on an innocent child, knowing it would kill her?
I flashback to the smile she wore when Cole arrived for her date. I see her gasping in pain and hear her call out my name. Her call bell sounds, and I sprint to her side. I’m in her bed, holding her broken body. I cry, wishing I could remain strong for her. I tell her it’s okay to go to her mom. She slips away from me, her body going limp as the last breaths escape her tiny mouth. Her heart no longer beats. Her voice doesn’t answer me. I’ve lost my friend all over again. I’ve lost my father all over again.
“Wilson killed her,” I say between gasps for air.
“Why do you care so much about whether Amber lives or dies?”
“No, Alyssa! He did this to Alyssa,” I say. Cole’s body stiffens. “She was thirteen years old! Only thirteen. And he picked her.”
“What?” His voice cracks.
“Amber told me. He injected her with the virus,” I say through gritted teeth. “He killed her.”
“No way,” he says. I feel his body shake against mine, and he sniffles. Zeus nudges my arm, and I let him into our hug. He licks my face, which only makes me cry harder because I know he feels this too.
“She never should’ve died.” Snot runs out of my nose. “She should be here with us right now.” My throat burns, and I have difficulty swallowing.
“I know,” Cole tells me. “God, Lexi, I’m so sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault.”
“No, but I’ve hurt you, and now you have this on top of everything.” He reaches up, pulls a strip of toilet paper off the rack, and hands me some.
“I will never forgive myself.”
“There wasn’t anything you or anyone else could’ve done to save her.”
“Cole.” I hesitate. “We have to kill him before he murders hundreds or thousands more.”
“And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”
I don’t have an ounce of energy left in me. I haven’t moved from the floor in the bathroom in what feels like hours, struggling between composing myself and breaking down into tears. I push Cole away, and he sits helpless to stop the growing tension that fills the empty spaces between us.
