by BETH KERY
“Oh, honey,” my mother sniffed. “No, that’s one of the strangest things about it. Ten months after we took you home with us, I found out I was pregnant. It floored us. But we learned that it happens that way sometimes, in cases of adoption. When the stress of getting pregnant goes away, after the couple adopts, things just resolve naturally. It was the damndest thing. We couldn’t believe how lucky we were, to have one beautiful little girl, and then to be blessed with another one.”
So. Jessica was the natural one, then.
Me, the unnatural.
I pushed the thought aside, recognizing it as self-pity. My mother was clearly very emotional. I wanted to understand, not spread my sense of rising alarm at the news onto her.
“But my birth certificate says that Dad and you are my parents—”
“It was amended. It’s common, to have an amended birth certificate with the adoptive parents’ names on it. The amended copies are the only ones we have.”
“Do you know the names of my biological parents?”
“I don’t. I’m sorry, again, if you think that was selfish of me. But I didn’t want to know. I never did. You came to us when you were only two days old, and I wanted it to be a clean slate. Like I said, you were ours from the moment we laid eyes on you.”
“But Mom… someone has to know who my biological parents were. Does Dad?”
“No, honey. He felt the same way about it that I did. But there would be a sealed copy of your original birth certificate somewhere, inaccessible to the public. If it’s something you would want to pursue, you could, Anna. I think it takes a court order, for you to see it. But I don’t know why the courts would deny you, given that you’re an adult now.”
I just sat there, thinking of that document locked away in some dark file, the names typed in on the form.
Mother. Father.
“Anna?” my mom asked weakly. “Are you okay? You are angry, aren’t you,” she stated rather than asked, dread in her tone.
“No, I’m not,” I insisted. “I mean… it’s shocking, that’s all. I’m spinning.”
“Of course you are. But it doesn’t really change anything. Not the essentials. Not about the way we feel about you. About your childhood. Everything. You are and always will be Anna Marie Solas, our beautiful, talented, adored daughter.”
(Light from my darkness.)
I realized the phone shook next to my ear.
“I love you, Mom,” I said.
“I love you, too. So much. And so does your father. Can I have him call you? As soon as he gets in? He’ll want to hear your voice. He’ll want to know you’re okay. Anna? You are okay, aren’t you?”
I heard the doubt in her voice. And the congestion. There was no doubt, she was crying. Just like I was, I realized, touching my wet cheeks.
“I’m fine,” I insisted thickly. “I just… ” I swiped at my cheeks. “I’m feeling kind of emotional, that’s all.”
“Course you are. And you must have a million questions.”
I gave a bark of laughter. “You know, I really don’t, at this point. Well, one I guess. Jessica—”
“She doesn’t know. I’ll leave it up to you, whether or not you want her to know.”
“Okay,” I said in a muffled voice.
“If you decide you want to get access to the original birth certificate, I’ll completely support you. I’ll take time off and come and try to help you with the process. I’ll take time off, either way,” she added decisively. “I’d like to come and visit soon. Spend some time with you.”
“I’d like that too. We’ll work something out, after I’ve had time to let things settle a little,” I said, even though I wondered if anything would ever be settled in my life again.
“Is Evan there with you? I don’t want you to be alone right now.”
I briefly imagined my mother’s horror if she ever heard Noah Madaster’s accusations. I certainly wouldn’t allow her to be there to see those names printed on the newly revealed birth certificate. She and Dad would blame themselves for not telling me I was adopted, and then inadvertently sending me into the arms of my own—
STOP. Don’t go there.
Mother. Father.
For a few seconds, my lungs locked. I struggled to inhale. I covered the receiver on the phone, and finally took a lurching breath. I removed my hand from the phone. A bizarre calm overcame me.
“Yes. Evan is here, Mom,” I said.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Evan returned just as I was saying goodbye. I watched him as he removed the sporty black jacket he’d worn for his walk. Autumn had come to Tahoe unexpectedly during these past few days. It’d snuck up on me while I’d been so self-absorbed in the mess of my life.
I hung up the phone as he came toward me. He immediately noticed my wet cheeks. He lowered to the chair facing me and took my cell phone out of my hand. He placed the phone on the table and took both of my hands in his.
“They told you that you were adopted. Didn’t they?”
I nodded. “My mom did. Yeah.” I gave a shaky laugh. “I can’t believe it, and yet I can, you know?” I shook my head. More tears fell down my face. My laugh sounded brittle. “This whole thing is so fucked up. Do you still believe that it was impossible for Elizabeth to have children?”
“I can only tell you what the doctor told me, Anna.”
“Doctors can be paid off. Besides, just because Elizabeth couldn’t have kids at twenty-five doesn’t mean she couldn’t have at sixteen, right?”
He squeezed my hands. “Anna… there’s something we need to talk about. I’ve been trying to put it off, because you haven’t been well.”
“I’m fine, Evan.”
I could tell he doubted that, but had decided the topic needed to be broached anyway.
“After I found you in Madaster’s suite, I called Wes, thinking he might be able to do something to help you before the ambulance got there.”
“Yeah, you told me that.”
“It was only a minute or two before Wes got to the South Twin, and maybe ten minutes at the most before the ambulance arrived. But during that time, Madaster was… ” His strong throat convulsed as he swallowed. “Ranting about a lot of crazy stuff.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “He was with me, too. I had no idea he was that mad. That fall he had messed up more than his spinal cord.”
His gaze sharpened on me. “What do you mean? What did he say?”
“He said that I had a stub thumb,” I said, holding up my bruised thumb. “It’s supposed to be some kind of genetic anomaly. Brachy-dacty? Something, I can’t remember exactly. It just means that one thumb is a little shorter than another.”
For a few seconds, Evan didn’t speak. He didn’t seem to breathe. Then he gently ran his fingertip over my thumb’s purple nail.
“Did Noah bruise you?” he asked, and I realized that while he was lost in his own private thoughts, he was also furious in a still, ominous fashion.
“Yes. He grabbed it and squeezed it. He said that Elizabeth had the same thing, but that she had two shortened thumbs. Did you notice? Elizabeth’s thumbs? When you were married to her?”
“I noticed. I never noticed yours, though,” he said, still caressing my thumb softly. He seemed far away, caught up in his private thoughts. “Elizabeth’s were more pronounced.”
“He said it was a sign of a Madaster. That it was an indication of pure, superior genes… that it ran in the royal families of Europe, and it signified the ability to lead and… I don’t know. All kinds of nonsense.” Evan remained grim. “Evan? It is nonsense, right?”
“Of course. I told you that Noah is obsessed with the supposed nobleness and superiority of the Madaster line. His father was obsessed before him, and his father before him. He believes some pretty delusional things.”
I watched him brea
thlessly as he stroked my thumb. “And the fact that he believes Elizabeth was my mother?” I asked weakly. “Is that delusional, too?”
He exhaled heavily, released my hands, and leaned back in his chair. He regarded me in silence for a moment. “One of the things Madaster told me—and Wes, too, once he arrived—was that he’d taken a genetic sample from you. I think that was the reason he drugged you. In order to get some of your cells, so that he could have them tested.”
“To see if Elizabeth was really my mother?”
He nodded.
“How did they do it?” I asked, feeling ill at the news. Violated.
“They swabbed the inside of your mouth.”
I blinked, that particular memory not coming back to me until that moment. “I remember,” I whispered. “I was blacking out, and he called for his nurse. And she pinched my lip, and I felt something in here,” I said, pointing inside my mouth to my cheek.
Evan nodded.
“What did you say, when Madaster said he’d done it?” I asked him.
“I insisted he return the sample. I more than insisted. I grabbed him and nearly threw him out of his chair. But Noah refused. His nurse wasn’t there by the time I got there. We couldn’t find her in the house. She must have taken the sample with her. When things started to get out of hand between Noah and I, Wes intervened. He pulled me off Noah. He suggested that both of us turn over the sample to him.”
“What did Wes want to do with it?”
Evan met my stare squarely. “He said he’d handle the testing, act as a neutral party to the whole thing. He knows someone at a lab in Carson City who could put a rush on the results. Noah said he could supply some of Elizabeth’s DNA, for comparison. Noah said he’d agree to that, if I did.”
He hesitated, avoiding my stare.
“Evan?”
“I told Wes to do it, Anna.”
He saw my stunned expression.
“I’m sorry. I know Noah stole the genetic material from you without your consent. But after some of the things Noah was claiming, and your similarity to Elizabeth—”
“You thought it would be better to clear up any doubts. And you are having doubts,” I said, staring blankly into space. “In the past few days, you’ve grown to suspect that I could be Elizabeth’s child.”
“I suspected Noah had been telling you some of the same lies he told me. I thought there was a possibility you’d want proof that his claims were unfounded.” He winced and glanced away. “That was before—”
“We knew for certain that I was adopted. Or you knew about this,” I said, holding up my bruised thumb.
“I’ve told you. I don’t see how it’s possible that you’re Elizabeth’s child.”
“You mean that you never thought it was possible before. Until yesterday, in Noah’s suite,” I corrected.
I saw his jaw tighten.
What about the paternity? a voice in my head screamed.
But the possible answer was too sickening… to reprehensible to say aloud, let alone consider for long. I realized it must be precisely the same situation for Evan.
So we both existed in frozen horror.
“No matter what the test results show, it won’t change how I feel about you,” he said.
It took me a few seconds to absorb his words. When I finally did, I laughed harshly. It scared me, because I couldn’t stop. I laughed until more tears ran down my cheeks and Evan stood over me, looking alarmed.
“I’m sorry,” I managed between jags of laughter. “It’s just all so insane, I think it’s making me crazy, too.”
“No,” Evan said resolutely, grabbing my upper arms and helping me to stand. “You’re overwhelmed and exhausted. Come lie down, Anna.”
I was too dismayed to argue. It felt like my heart was being crushed inside my chest. I found myself avoiding Evan’s eyes at all costs. The pain of meeting his gaze, of thinking of what had been between us and could never be again, overwhelmed me.
I curled up on my side on the bed, my back to him when he sat on the edge of the mattress. I jerked away from him, and then took a twisted comfort in the fact that he didn’t move. He remained next to me, solid and warm.
Slowly, the wave of hysteria ebbed out of me.
“How long will it take for the testing?” I asked, sniffing.
“Wes told me today that he should have the results by tomorrow, Thursday at the latest.”
God, let me wake up from this nightmare.
Evan touched me on my back.
“Don’t.”
His hand sprang away. A moment later, I felt him get up from the bed. I perfectly imagined his hurt, his barren distress. I lay there unmoving with my eyes closed, locked inside a slowly constricting tourniquet of grief and horror.
Hours later, Evan finally turned out the light and got into the other bed. I knew how he sounded when he slept. It took what felt like an eternity before I heard his slow, steady breathing.
I willed my sore, tight muscles to unclench.
I couldn’t bear to be in that room any longer. I had to get away.
But not before I heard the news from Wes. It would be wrong to be rash, when I didn’t have anything but Madaster’s allegations.
(Are you sure he’s delusional? Sociopathic, to be certain. Cruel. Selfish beyond belief. But I wouldn’t say delusional.)
Of course he’s delusional! He believes that his family is some kind of example of a pure race, and that intermarriage and incest should be encouraged because it creates psychic abilities and the capability to speak with the ancestors.
(If that’s a delusion, then what are we doing right now?)
I started, a whimper leaking out of my throat. Evan moved restlessly in the other bed, and then quieted.
(He’s such a good man. I never deserved him, but you do. You’re pure. Untainted. You shouldn’t be so harsh with him.)
Shut up!
I sat up in the bed and clutched at my head, desperate to stop the voice.
(Do you want to escape, Anna?)
Yes.
(Then go. Get up right now, take the keys from Evan, and drive. Drive until the road runs out. But you’ll never be able to escape the memories. You’ll never be able to escape your husband. Your father. There’s only one thing that will bring you any peace now. Us any peace. Swim Deep.)
I squeezed at my head now, my fingernails digging into my scalp. I clamped my eyelids tight. My throat burned from a silent scream.
(Wait for the test the results, if you must. But you already know you’re mine. When you get the results, you know what you have to do. Find me, and you’ll find yourself. Light from my darkness.)
“Anna,” she said.
Her voice resounded, substantial and real within the confines of the shadowed hotel room. I heard authority, gentleness, love, and an ocean of regret; all of it in that single utterance of my name.
I opened my eyes, and saw her—Elizabeth—standing at the foot of my bed.
The scream exploded from my throat. I banged my head back on the wooden headboard, wild to get her out.
What penetrated my horror were the sound of Evan’s voice and the light going on in the room. Both seemed to cause Elizabeth to disappear. Despite that, I couldn’t stop screaming.
“Anna… God, Anna, please stop. You’re safe. Tell me what it is. Please tell me.”
His obvious anguish finally silenced me. I leaned my head back and brought him into focus. He sat on the bed next to me, his tight embrace holding my arms next to my sides. In my panic, had I been swinging at him as he tried to comfort me? He looked as panic-stricken as I felt. Now that I’d stilled, he reached up and cupped my face.
“Whatever it is that’s scaring you the most, just say it, honey. You need to let it out, or it’s going to kill you.”
“Don’t you know
what’s terrifying me?” I whispered hoarsely.
He winced. “I… I think I do. You’re afraid that if you are Elizabeth’s, then you might be Noah’s, too.” I just stared at him in mute amazement. His brushed his fingertip over my wet cheek. “But even if that were true, it doesn’t matter, honey. It doesn’t matter.”
“That’s not what I’m most afraid of,” I said. “I’m most afraid that you’re my father.”
His stroking fingertips stilled on my face.
“That’s what Noah told me yesterday before you burst into the room. He seemed certain,” I said.
His frigid gaze thawed in an instant. I saw a fire spark where the cold desolation had been.
“That fucking bastard.” He started shaking his head furiously. “No. No. No, Anna. You have to believe me, that’s a complete impossibility.” I felt him shudder. He put his hand over his face. “Oh God, that’s what you’ve been thinking? You’ve been imagining that I was… ”
Another shudder went through him. He grabbed my shoulders.
“Anna, listen to me. I never once considered you could be my child. Never once.”
“But you knew Elizabeth lied—”
“I knew you couldn’t be my child because I never slept with Elizabeth until I was seventeen years old,” he shouted.
I paused with my mouth hanging open.
“The private investigators I hired had told me your date of birth,” Evan said. “Later, I saw your birth certificate with my own eyes. The dates didn’t match up, Anna. If they had, maybe I would have had the crazy, unlikely suspicion of paternity. But they didn’t. I would have had to have had sex with Elizabeth when I was thirteen or fourteen years old—”
“And you didn’t?”
“No. God, no. I know I told you that Elizabeth and I were close, and we were. But I thought you understood that it was innocent at first. Our relationship as kids was platonic. I think Elizabeth wanted to keep it that way. She could relate to me differently than all the other men in her life. Anna?” His hands tightened on my shoulders. “Do you believe me?”
I stared up at him. The wild sincerity in his eyes struck me like a lightning bolt. But I couldn’t believe him entirely. Because I’d learned I couldn’t trust my own instincts.
