by Bella Baird
Chapter 2
Alice and Karen sat side by side on the small couch the limited space could afford. They’d already brought the bags into the bedroom for storage. Karen’s shivers hadn’t yet gone away, and she sobbed profusely while Alice waited for details. The news felt extra painful to hear. She’d lost all contact with her father for a long time. All her calls and texts went ignored, and she’d just about given up on seeing him again. Alice felt so abandoned, and now she had to face that her father might not even live past the age of 39. The room seemed to shrink in around her, making her feel nearly suffocated.
“When did you find this out?” Alice finally prompted.
“A couple weeks ago,” Karen said between sobs. “He just called me out of the blue and told me to come to the hospital. So, I went and listened to everything he had to say. When he found out he had prostate cancer, it was already at stage three. He’s been dealing with this for a while now.”
“Why didn’t he tell us earlier?” Alice screamed. “I would have gone to see him! I would have made him a priority!”
“That’s why he said he didn’t tell us. He knew you were finishing college and probably searching for a job. The burden of this information would’ve only hurt you in the middle of an already stressful time,” Karen explained. “But it’s not just that. He said that he didn’t want to worry us unless it became terminal. Your father might be a quiet and meek sort of guy, but he’s also very prideful. He didn’t want us to see him the way he’s been for a while. He knew it would kill us to look at him like that. He also didn’t like the idea of you hearing him sounding ill either. That’s why neither of us heard from him. He preferred disappearing over making us lose sleep.”
A swell of panic made Alice’s heart race, and she asked, “Why is he telling us now? Is his condition getting worse?”
“Actually, he’s getting much better. The treatments seem to be working fine, even though he feels constantly sick. He’s not out of the woods yet, but things are looking more optimistic. So is he, apparently. I guess it’s all right with him if we visit sometime soon. We should go together. I think our support might help him get through this completely.”
“I think that would be great. Should I take off a couple of days next week?” asked Alice.
“No, next weekend should be fine, if you’re available,” Karen replied.
“Good, I didn’t have plans anyway. Should I stay at your house then?”
“Yes, your old room is still set up exactly like it was when you left for college,” said Karen.
“Mom…” Alice began. “Thanks for coming to tell me this in person. I’m glad I had you here when I got this news. I really don’t want to be alone now.”
“I wouldn’t have done it any differently. I’ve been coming to a realization for a long time, and your father’s illness only helped to drive it home. I haven’t been a very good mother to you,” Karen lamented.
“That’s not true…” Alice started to say.
“No, please don’t try to make me feel better. I really mean it. I haven’t been a great mom, I wasn’t a great wife, and I don’t like the kind of person I’ve become. I haven’t been myself since I was sixteen years old. I had you when I was so young. I didn’t know how to be person yet, let alone a wife and a mother. Instead of maturing, I became irritable and abused everyone close to me. It made your dad want to leave me, and I’m sure it made you resent me. I just hope it’s not too late for me to correct my mistakes. I already pushed your father away, and I can’t stand the idea of our relationship being strained for the rest of my life. I want to feel close to you for once. Do you think that’s possible?”
“Of course, Mom. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you,” Alice cried.
She leaned over and gave Karen another tight squeeze. This is it. The kind of relationship we should have had all along. If only it didn’t come at the expense of Dad being so close to possibly dying.
Alice stood up and said, “Well, let’s get out of this tiny space. We should do something together. Anything. We could see a movie, go to a museum, walk in the park…your choice.”
“Let’s do a museum!” exclaimed Karen. “Nothing in theaters has looked good to me lately. Maybe we can walk in the park tomorrow before I leave.”
“Awesome!” said Alice excitedly while wiping wetness from her eyes. “Let’s leave the stress behind for just a little bit. There’s nothing we can do but wait anyway.”
Karen nodded with a smile Alice hadn’t seen in a long time. She hoped to see more of it as time passed by.
The day reached much warmer temps than anyone thought it might. All over Central Park, people tied their jackets around their wastes or carried them in hand. Some took to sunbathing and picnicking in the grassy knoll. As usual, men’s shirts came off, and most didn’t have the bodies for donning the shirtless look. After a long and fast paced walk, Alice and her mom sat beneath a tree for some shade. Karen’s skin had never mixed well with direct sunlight, while Alice tended to receive a nice golden tan if she sat in the sun. A rest in the grass was exactly what they needed after walking for so long and having a serious conversation the entire time. Unlike the night before, they talked about their fears concerning the cancer, Alice’s complicated and now-dead love life, work stress, and other topics.
Now, they rested in peace while they watched everyone else in the park go about their business. Alice felt out of place amongst all the smiling faces and energetic bodies gliding around. She felt so physically and emotionally drained; it was a miracle she dragged herself out for a power walk with Karen. However, it was worth it to her. She couldn’t remember the last time she went out or did anything with her mom. Alice had been so busy with school, and Karen with work that they never planned any quality time. Even if they had time, they probably would have avoided each other anyway. Karen and Alice really hadn’t meshed well until this weekend. It’s like she’s really turned over a new leaf.
Karen interrupted the tranquil moment when she said, “I wasn’t going to tell anyone this, especially not you, but I have to tell someone. It’s eating me up. I still love your father. I figured it out once he told me about his cancer. How ironic. I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until I got so close to losing him. If he makes it through this, I’m going to let him know how I feel. There’s obviously no guarantee that he’ll want to come back to this mess, but I’m willing to take the risk.”
“Why don’t you just tell him now? Wouldn’t you rather have him know that you love him if there’s a chance he could die soon?” Alice asked, her awe still visible.
“I know it’s silly, but I have this intense fear that letting him know will make it hurt more if passes away,” Karen rubbed her wet eyes. “What if I tell him, open my heart again, and then lose him for the second time. I don’t think I can handle that.”
“I feel like that’s a better option than regretting that you didn’t say anything. Would you be able to live the rest of your life knowing you didn’t tell the man you loved about your feelings? Also, I think knowing that he’s loved might help him recover. Maybe it would give him extra incentive to keep going.”
“You’re right,” Karen agreed. “I just have to work up the courage. I won’t wait too long though. This all makes me wish I’d done more to keep him…and you. Can you ever forgive me for being such a bitch?” Karen asked with shame.
“Can’t you tell?” Alice asked?
“What?”
“I already have,” Alice stated, putting her arm around Karen.
“Thank you.”
Alice watched as her mother shed not only tears, but layers of steel and frost as well. For over twelve years, she’d had this image of her mother being a beautiful and intimidating ice queen, devoid of emotions other than anger and annoyance. Karen hadn’t shown an ounce of warmth since Alice was young, and it killed her to see the woman struggling to hold it together now. If her once stonehearted mother was having such a diffic
ult time, she couldn’t imagine how she would do if worse came to worst. The only choice she had was to stay strong for both of them and hope that would be enough.
Alice grunted as she waited in traffic on her way to Daniel’s apartment. His texts recently had become sort of passive aggressive. In short, he told her she either had to go get her things that day or he would get rid of them. Maybe he hadn’t known Alice long enough to know that she didn’t respond well to aggression. It made her very irritated, and there was a fifty percent chance she might say something unkind to him if his attitude didn’t improve in person. She was already aggravated about having to make the trip there after work. Normally, Alice liked to go straight home. However, Daniel only made vague references to what she’d left there, so she had no idea what she would miss if she didn’t pick up her things.
If Alice had gotten a say, she probably would have suggested a pick up a week later. It had only been a week and a half since she parted ways with him, and she could have waited a little longer to see him again. Alice wasn’t ready to have Daniel’s eyes on her, his accusing stare. She had no desire to encounter his pained expressions or dismal attitude. Alice needed no reminders of how she messed up, yet she seemed to be getting them left and right. First, seeing Trent at the club, and now getting the last of her belongings from Daniel.
She texted him when she parked nearby, so he could have her stuff ready for retrieval. In response, he told her that a box would be outside of his door when she arrived. Alice’s annoyance upgraded to fury. What if someone just takes it? He doesn’t even have the decency to make sure my stuff gets to me!
She ran down the sidewalk and up his stairs to reach the door before any greedy neighbors decided to see what was in the box. Then Alice shot an angry glare at the door before she turned to leave, hoping he saw her face through the peephole. The box felt extremely light, for all the fuss he’d made about her getting it. I’ll scream if there are only two unimportant items in here. With only one more block to walk, Alice figured it would be best to view the contents inside her car. She quickly got there, sat in the seat, and locked her doors.
Opening the box gave her an immediate sense of blind rage. There were only four things inside: a couple of old CDs she didn’t need or care about and two sets of panties. That’s so embarrassing. He must have washed these, too. Her face turned red, and she saw something else at the bottom. Beneath her underwear and CDs sat a piece of paper. She picked it up and saw that Daniel had written her a note. It said:
Alice,
I know I told you I’d give these to you in person, but I decided today that I wasn’t ready to see you again. It just felt weird to me, and I couldn’t face you so soon after the breakup. I’m sorry if I rushed you to come here. It was just really difficult for me to have things of yours lying around when you’re no longer with me. Just more mementos of what we once had. I was never really going to throw this stuff away, but I knew saying that would make you get it off my hands more quickly. You kept avoiding my questions about when we should schedule a pickup, so I thought this was the easiest option. Now that you have everything, and my apartment doesn’t have any emotional triggers, I feel like we both can fully move on with our lives. Good luck in your new career! I hope you find a satisfying and happy life.
Sincerely,
Daniel
Instantly, Alice felt like such a bitch for making assumptions about Daniel’s motives. She hung her head when she remembered how she thought about how angry she’d gotten on the way over. I have to remember that his feelings are hurt, too. He must’ve had a hard time even looking at what I left there. I should’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. Even after everything that happened, Daniel still wished her success and happiness. She couldn’t believe what a nice guy he could be. Unfortunately, their love could never be as deep or fulfilling as he wanted. Alice stood by her choice to walk away.
He’s right about something else. I think we’ll both have an easier recovery now that we don’t need anything from each other. Trent, on the other hand, is going to be much more difficult to bounce back from. After five years, I wasn’t over him. Will I ever not have a piece of him with me? What if I compare everyone I meet in the future to Trent?
She shook her head and started the car, ready to go home and be by herself again. Her place may have been modest, but at the end of the day, it was her haven. After working all day and getting so amped up over nothing, her bedroom called to her. She could see herself closing the light-blocking curtains, lighting some scented candles, and reading a book until it was time for bed. It sounded like a perfect night to her. Maybe I’m destined for a spinster lifestyle.
With nothing exciting happening for the rest of the week, and the workload being pretty hefty, Thursday and Friday moved by at a steady pace. Saturday morning went even more swiftly as Alice packed for her stay at her mom’s house. The plan was to spend some time together before their visit with Jacob, Alice’s dad, on Sunday. Alice made sure to pack various forms of entertainment and relaxation, including books, movies, a laptop, and some bath salts. Alice anticipated a sleepless night, and she could always relax in the tub. Karen’s home wasn’t too much bigger than most spacious apartments, but her tub was very deep. The house had phenomenal hot water, also.
The closer the visit with her dad, the more nervous she got. I have to be absolutely prepared for this visit. Dad might not look the same. He might be frailer, have no hair, and look more tired. He could even smell different. I have to promise myself not to cry, though. Whatever happens, I need to be strong for both of them.
Alice finished her hour-long drive northwest after 1 PM, greeting her mother warmly. She took her two bags into her old bedroom and dropped them on the floor. Karen hadn’t lied; everything remained exactly as it was when she’d moved to New York City. Little knick-knacks here and there entered back into Alice’s memory. The seashell collection, glass horses, band posters, and forgotten drawings waited as evidence of who she once was and what she hoped to be. It amazed Alice how four years could feel like a lifetime. The entire tone and trajectory of her life had evolved in that time span. The room felt like home, yet it also felt like it belonged to someone else. Someone who had certain things in common with Alice, but remained mostly a stranger. The contradictory sentiments were hard to get used to. This would be another factor lending some truth to her prediction of a restless night, like being too uncomfortable staying at a friend’s house to actually sleep.
More disturbingly, Alice thought mostly of Trent and how many memories they had in that little room. They hid there whenever they wanted to be away from parents or schoolwork. Alice had lost her virginity to Trent on that same bed. There, they shared deep secrets and dreams. She’d held him tight and been held by him at the same time, hoping it would never end. Well, it did end, and I’m back here again five years after the fact. So weird to see it all.
After 5 o’clock, Alice and Karen ate a simple, quiet dinner together. Four or five years ago, no one would have expected this mother and daughter to sit down and eat in the same room, let alone talk to each other for more than a few minutes. Karen, wanting Alice to stay cool during their visit with Jacob the next day, warned of everything Alice already feared. Her dad would look different, and he would sound different, too. While dinner and its conversations had done nothing to quell Alice’s anxiety, she was grateful to know exactly what she’d face tomorrow. Once her mom went to her room for the night, Alice took a long and steamy bath, which helped calm her nerves quite a bit. She stopped by the kitchen and took two allergy pills—those had always made her drowsy. When she crawled into bed and read a few pages of her newest book, she had a hard time keeping her eyes open. Finally, she fell asleep after 11 o’clock, imagining what the next morning might hold.
The old house definitely still looked like a fixer-upper, even more than it had when Jacob first bought it. Grass in the yard grew to knee height, and thic
k weeds took up large patches of what little yard space existed. The front of the porch had a visible tilt, leaning forward and down toward the street. Almost every portion of the gutters was filled with old brown leaves and more weeds that had taken root up there. Shingles had come loose, dangling off the roof or lying in the grass where they’d fallen off. The paint was in the worst condition of everything Alice saw. Large swatches cracked away, leaving the dull grayish wood underneath exposed. The place was a total eyesore. I wonder if Dad’s been fined for this.
She feared how the inside might look. It wasn’t an example of luxury the last time she’d spent some time there, so it must look like a train wreck by now. Even worse yet, the sorry state of Jacob’s home made Alice doubt she’d be able to withstand his personal physical condition. Looking at what once was a livable house made her want to cry. An urge to turn around and run back to the car flashed through Alice’s mind. In spite of this, she had to see her father. He’d been on her mind a lot since she stopped being able to reach him, and she missed him so much that it hurt.
Jacob usually kept his door unlocked, and Alice brought her hand up to turn the knob. Her hand froze there, unable to turn and push. Sensing the hesitation, Karen put her hand on Alice’s shoulder as if to lend her some courage. She looked back to see Karen nod her head and smile reassuringly. All right. Forcing her hand to turn the knob, she pushed her way inside only for her nostrils to be assailed by a musty odor. It came in waves, nauseating Alice. She put her sleeve up to her face and looked at her mother. Karen gave her a glance that conveyed her familiarity with that smell. Then she raised her brow and quickly looked into the house and back at Alice. Her face signaled to Alice that there was more to come.
