They’re also quite childish in that they only like doing things that are enjoyable. If a statement or story or just a normal conversation is boring, then they close their ears. Of course, there’s a remedy—take a course in entertaining rhetoric; then you may be able to keep your Yellow friend’s, partner’s, or colleague’s attention. If you can present your message in a more amusing way, he’ll at least remain seated a bit longer. Rhetoric isn’t the art of talking but rather the art of getting others to listen.
If you have a good friend whom at this stage you have identified as Yellow, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In mid-sentence, he opens his mouth and starts talking about something completely different. Bad memory? No, you were simply being tedious. But truly—add a bad memory into the equation and we really are in trouble.
Many truly successful people in society are often better listeners than the general average. They don’t willingly talk as much as they listen. They already know what they know, and to learn more they simply have to hush up and hear what others are saying. It’s a way to absorb new knowledge. This is something Yellows need to understand better if they’re not to be perceived as completely hopeless—or just stagnant in their personal development. They must, for example, listen to the message I have presented in this last section. If they refuse to take it in just because it is a difficult and possibly a boring message, they’ll never learn anything.
How Green People Are Perceived
So what do others—other colors—think about Greens? The picture is ambivalent. Besides the fact that they are considered pleasant, friendly, and caring, there are other opinions. A person who, out of fear of conflict, says yes but means no—how do you handle him? How do you know what he really thinks?
Reds and Yellows especially have problems with what I call the silent resistance. Remaining silent rather than speaking out. Certain Greens, however, tend to tell the truth behind the back of the person concerned. Therefore, others can perceive a Green as dishonest, even though their intention is only to avoid conflict. In general, Greens always expect the worst and therefore tend to lie low.
Then we have the Green’s inability to change. When a Green understands the need for change but still says no thanks, that leads those closest to him to think that he is afraid of change, stubborn, unconcerned, and indifferent. As usual, we are talking about perceptions. If we ask Reds what they think about Greens, there will be some heavy opinions.
Pigheadedness Will Never Be a Virtue
What do you do with a person who never changes his views? Ever? Not even when the facts indicate that it’s time to take a different path? How do you handle someone whose resolve to continue on the present course has completely taken over?
The difference between Greens and Blues is that while a Blue holds out for more facts about an issue, Greens expect everything to simply blow over, since they refuse to change their minds. They’ve made a decision about something and will not concede. Why? Because they don’t usually do that.
Think about it: It may have taken you your whole life to come to a particular opinion about the dangerous cholesterol in food, about space travel, or about Britney Spears. Suddenly this guy comes along and says that you should exchange your current opinion for his.
It’s not going to happen. The Green is waiting for the right feeling to come over him before he makes any changes. If it doesn’t, well … they’re often rather patient.
Let me tell you about a young man, the son in a family I’ve known very well for many years. This guy is reasonably good in school; his grades are okay. He has many pals.
At the outset, I would like to point out that when we speak about young people, in this case a teenager, we must be careful. This isn’t a fully developed behavior profile or character. Young people still have things to learn about life in general. All impressions are not definitive.
So what’s the problem?
This young man has his own ideas about what is true and false. And wild horses couldn’t get him to change his mind. It may be something he heard from a friend or something he saw on television or something he picked up in school. When this knowledge or idea, irrespective of its source, has been established in his consciousness, it can’t be dislodged. It makes no difference how often his parents point out the facts or how tough they are when they present the evidence—his point of view is clear. It doesn’t even matter if they point out the danger in this or that way of thinking; he persists in his belief.
Think about it. You supply all the available facts, and the guy says that he understands. He agrees that it sounds logical. Other people could feasibly do it that way, with good results. But still, he’s not prepared to change his point of view. Some people would call this pigheadedness.
What’s the reason for this? Excellent question. It may be a result of where he first got the information. If a friend says that you can earn just as much money collecting trash as a newly qualified doctor can earn, it doesn’t really matter if it’s true or not. If the same friend suggests that you can’t be arrested for drunk driving if you drive your car after drinking three beers, then this becomes the truth, even if we, with all the facts at our disposal, know that this is simply not the case.
If this guy is told that he’ll get a terrific job if he just works a little harder at mathematics, it becomes true. If he got this info from his best mate, it simply has to be true. If a Green trusts in a particular individual, that individual’s word becomes law. This makes it easy to exploit Greens, because they can be a little naïve and gullible. And unfortunately, certain people take advantage of this fact.
Sometimes this obstinacy becomes a strength, no doubt about that. But when those around them perceive it as pure pigheadedness, it can create problems.
“Why Bother? Nothing Is Worth Caring About.”
Since Greens rarely make the first move and almost always allow others to step up first, you can easily get the impression that a Green is not especially interested or engaged. And often that’s the case. He is more passive than he is active, and this has an impact on his behavior. Not much is going on there.
And what does it really matter? If you stay at home—nothing can really go wrong then, right? What Greens fail to see is that most other people want to do things. They assume that everyone thinks as they do and stays on the sofa. They are satisfied with doing nothing. Anything that upsets this standpoint becomes a threat. The result? Even more passivity.
On one occasion, I heard a Red-Yellow boss describe his employees as uninspired and uninterested in their work. It tormented him because no matter how hard he tried to entice and insist, they never left the starting block. He presented numerous ideas—some of which were very interesting—but nothing happened. It can be like that with Greens. They recognize a good idea as quickly as anyone else. But, for example, while their Red colleagues sprint off with the baton, a Green just sits and waits. Often they’re waiting for the right feeling to convince them of an idea’s merit and if that doesn’t happen, well … they wouldn’t do anything anyway, so they get what they want. Why not just wait and see if the urge to act goes away?
This particular boss called in his employees and asked them how they viewed the business. He was worried about the evident lack of discernible commitment. A couple of the men, who were lower middle age, said straight-out that they couldn’t think of anything that was worth getting involved in. The boss became extremely frustrated. He tried everything but got virtually no reaction.
This can also happen in a marriage. There are stereotypes for everything. Like that some women might be drawn to the strong, silent type, for example. Nothing wrong with that. But after they’re married and she realizes that this is all that he is—strong and silent—she may not be as happy. And when she makes plans and he says he doesn’t care, she gets frustrated. And so she makes even bigger plans. And he clutches the armrests on his favorite recliner even harder.
This is the paradox. The bigger the plans, the less likely it
is that a Green will commit. All he wants is peace and quiet.
Here’s an example: I’ve been writing fiction for twenty years and really hoped to become a published author one day. Everyone in the family knew this. Not that I made a huge deal out of it, but I didn’t hide my ambitions, either. One Green close to me understood how important it was for me to succeed. I have repeatedly spoken about my dream, explaining how it would make me feel if I succeeded as an author of fiction. Yet this Green never asked how my writing was going. Maybe a comment every five years that I shouldn’t take things so seriously or I will only be disappointed. And when I said things like: “This year it will happen. Now is the time, damn it. I’ve got to work harder to succeed!” the response was: “Wow. That’s a lot of work.” Lots of work is a Green’s greatest enemy, just because that’s exactly what it is—work. They live in a mind-set that everything should be easy.
This form of indifference and lack of commitment can kill the enthusiasm of even the most inspired person. I had to learn to rely on others to find the energy to struggle on with my writing. But a Green doesn’t understand this. He doesn’t want people to be too involved, because it’s just bothersome. Instead, let’s just sit here and do … nothing.
What’s Thought in Secret Is Said in Secret
Greens are reluctant to take a position on sensitive issues. They have just as many views and opinions as anyone else, but they don’t like shouting them from the rooftops. The reason is simple—it can cause a fuss.
The consequence of this tendency is a rather abstruse manner of expressing themselves. Instead of saying, “That’s impossible,” they may respond with something like, “It appears that there are a few challenges in delivering that.” Sure, both statements mean the same thing: “We won’t manage to do it in time.” But by using a less direct means of expression, you take fewer risks. If you take a clear stance on something, then you have to stand up for it.
For a Green, it’s better to be safe than sorry. By expressing himself ambiguously, he avoids taking responsibility for the matter in question. He doesn’t have to risk his good name if he’s uncertain. If he hasn’t taken a position in support of something, he also hasn’t taken any position against something. You hear how illogical this sounds, right? But if you’re Green, you know exactly what I mean. A woman I met once said that she believed what everyone else believed.
But are Greens perceived as unclear just because they want to save a relationship? No, not at all. Greens just aren’t as precise as the other colors. When a Red says that he absolutely hates listening to Eminem, a Green would say that he remembers better singers. When a Blue says that he has lost five pounds since last Tuesday morning at 10:03, a Green says that he’s lost a few pounds lately.
This is because Greens are not as task oriented as Reds and Blues. Greens don’t speak about facts in the same way. They would rather speak about relationships and feelings, which makes it more difficult to be precise. How do you measure a feeling? Saying, “I love you exactly twelve percent more than last month,” is just not going to work.
“I Know I Should Change This Immediately, but I’ll Just Think About It for a While.”
Here we have the most difficult stumbling block. If you want to make changes in a group consisting of many Greens, good luck. If it’s a major change, you should consider whether it’s really worth the effort. If it’s urgent, you can forget the whole thing. This is what happens in the mind of a Green:
• I know what I have but not what I’ll get.
• It was better before.
• I’ve never done this before.
• The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Sound familiar? Sure, not all changes are for the better, but let’s be reasonable! I’m not saying that it’s always wrong to express these sentiments, but when changes are really necessary it can be very dangerous.
A classic cliché—a little worn now, I know—is to consider how often you change where you sit at the breakfast table. I used to ask this question in the groups I met. Many smiled and said that they sat where they usually sit because it just happened. Sure, I do the same thing sometimes. But if someone were to point out that I was stuck in a rigid habit (or bad habit) I would do something about it. A Green, however, doesn’t correct himself.
When you look at a Green’s reaction to the question, you’ll understand that we’re faced with a problem. I’ve seen adults become white in the face, wiping their foreheads at the mere thought of sitting on the other side of the table. I’ve even worked with a man, Sune, who had such a meticulous lunchtime routine that if he couldn’t follow it precisely the rest of the day was shrouded in sheer darkness. Sune had a favorite lunch spot beneath a painting. He sat there every day at lunchtime, week in, week out, month out and year in. Always the same chair.
If he came into the dining room and saw that his spot was occupied, he would stop short. If he saw this quickly enough, he’d turn towards his backup location, not as good but still an acceptable spot, near a window. If he were forced to have his soup there, he would glare throughout the meal at whoever had nicked “his” spot. Of course, he never said anything. Instead, he just sulked the rest of the day. This is another thing Greens often do—turn frustration inwards and feel awful so that everyone notices it. If Sune’s backup spot was also occupied, he would just go back into the kitchen, the rest of his day ruined.
Let me give you another example. My mother—departed but never forgotten; we’ll never stop loving you, our darling mother—who was nothing if not Green, was always willing to help and took care of her grandchildren whenever needed, especially when they were little. I remember one time when my wife and I were invited to dinner on a Friday night. I had asked my mother to watch the kids weeks in advance because I knew that she needed time to mentally prepare herself for it.
On the day the dinner was to take place, the hostess called: Her husband was sick, and the whole thing was postponed. When I phoned my mum, I explained to her what had happened. We would be staying home that night. She went completely silent. I said that I still wanted her to come over because the children were excited to see their grandma.
Mum was very hesitant. “What will happen now?” she asked.
I said that it would be just like we had planned originally. Because her bag was packed and the guest room was ready, it would be a perfect opportunity to spend a little time together. She hesitated. “It will be completely different now: You’re at home.” She was flustered by the change, and she needed time to think. She promised to phone back.
What was really Mum’s problem? Our change of plans necessitated no change for her at all. She was still going to stay overnight between Friday and Saturday. She could still see her grandchildren. She would, however, avoid having any responsibility for them. I tried to convince her that we could take care of her for once, instead of her taking care of us.
This was a completely new situation for her. We were still there in the house. And that was the problem. My wife and I would be there. Maybe Mum had her heart set on a watching a particular show on television. Maybe she had thought about preparing a special meal for the children. Maybe, I don’t know. She never said anything about it, so we can’t know for sure. But the change was serious enough to warrant extra thinking time for her.
(She came in the end. A nice little side story, quite possibly related to her generation: I fetched her at half past four. She asked why I came so late. I replied that I had promised to be there at five o’clock and that I was actually half an hour early. Her response? She’d been ready since four o’clock.)
“I’ve Never Been So Upset, but for God’s Sake, Don’t Say Anything to Anyone.”
This is the second major dilemma with Green behavior. They despise a squabble. This aversion to conflict also causes many other challenges, such as stubbornness, ambiguity, and resistance to change. Because Greens are pronounced relational people, nothing is more important to them than keeping a relationship toge
ther. The problem is that their method doesn’t work.
You can look at conflicts in two ways. The first way is called the harmony outlook, or striving for harmony. Everything depends on being on good terms with others. Reaching an agreement is an end in itself. This means that those who cause conflict are problematic troublemakers. Conflicts are indicative of poor leadership, poor communication, and discord. And so we smother conflict and pretend that it doesn’t exist. Because who wants to be acquainted with a troublemaker?
I once met a coach who used an interesting metaphor for this kind of behavior. She said it was like sitting at the dinner table with a rotting pile of trash in the middle. You know, with mold and flies and everything. Everyone sees that the trash is there, but no one says anything. You brush away the flies and pass the food across the liquefying banana peels without thinking anything about it. Maybe by the end someone wonders if there even really is a pile of trash on the table at all. Finally, one of the dinner table guests says, “We have to do something about this!” That person becomes an agitator, because we now have to deal with this nasty mess of garbage. Couldn’t she have just kept quiet?
Nowadays we know better. The aspiration of having everyone in agreement about everything all the time is an impossible utopia, not even worth trying to achieve. Someone will lift the lid off all that discord that was so effectively and hermetically sealed for such a long period of time—and what happens then? It stinks from a long way off. In the end the harmony outlook inevitably leads to conflict.
The second way, and the opposite to the first, is called the conflict outlook. It basically means that we accept that conflicts exist—that it’s natural. No group exists where everyone is always in agreement about everything.
Surrounded by Idiots Page 9
