When you see Blues speaking in front of larger groups, this tendency becomes very evident. Just like Greens, they have no need to be the center of attention. The difference, however, is that while a Green would like to sink through the floor, a Blue will remain standing. He’ll try to whip up the masses while standing completely motionless with a fixed face.
Another clue is that Blues require a relatively large amount of personal space around them. They often feel more comfortable by keeping others at a distance. Naturally, it depends on how well they know each other, but this zone is significantly larger than it is for Yellows, for instance.
If others come too close, Blues’ body language becomes closed. Both arms and legs will be crossed, indicating that they’re keeping their distance.
As I mentioned earlier, Blues move less than others. When they stand, they stand still. There’s not that much swaying and walking. They can very easily stand in the same spot for a whole hour while giving a lecture. When they sit down, they remain seated more or less in the same position all the time.
Consequently, they won’t use too many gestures. Imagine a Yellow: a really outgoing and dynamic figure—and now think the opposite. Take away all movements that aren’t needed (most of them, according to Blues) and you begin to get the picture. Stone-faced, as someone once described it.
However, Blues normally look others straight in the eyes. They have no problem with eye contact, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
VOICE
Though not exactly weak, a Blue’s voice is restrained and subdued. They don’t make much of a fuss about themselves. Their impression tends to be controlled. It’s common for them to sound very pensive, as if weighing every word before it’s allowed to see the light of day.
Generally, there’s little or no variation in a Blue’s voice. He sounds more or less the same all the time—whether he’s reading the TV Guide or giving his acceptance speech to the nation after winning the presidential election. Without much rhythm or melody, he just continues to say what’s on the script.
Musicians tend to have difficulty with this. They think everything a Blue says flows badly.
SPEED IN SPEECH AND DEED
Slow. At least if we compare it to others’. If we take a Red or even a Yellow, he’ll speak at the speed of sound. A Blue has a completely different pace. It will take as long as it takes. Speed is of no interest.
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A Real-Life Example: The Company Party—How to Understand Everyone You Meet
Many years ago, I used to work in the banking sector. It was an interesting job in many ways, though it could be a little humdrum at times. However, I learned a lot by meeting many different types of people, and I have many stories of funny customer meetings from that period. The most interesting insights, however, I gained behind the scenes.
One of the more startling experiences was at a branch where I was working in the 1990s. A series of behavior stereotypes were working there. Some of them were obvious in their behavioral profiles. We had incredibly distinctive Blues and equally obvious Greens and Yellows. And, of course, a Red boss.
One spring we’d been working incredibly hard, many had been out sick, and we were under pressure from customers. People were tired, irritated, and touchy. We really needed some good news. The person who got fed up with all the hard work first was one of the Yellow advisors. One day, she came into the lunchroom and said that she’d had enough of all our grumpy faces. We needed something fun to do, and she knew exactly what.
It was time to find a goal, something to look forward to. A company party would save the day! Full of enthusiasm, she told us that she’d seen a very nice conference center nearby where all of us could go for a weekend to have a good rest. They had a stunning spa and gym, snazzy hotel rooms, and a trendy restaurant that was truly a la mode. In addition, she knew the owner through a friend of a friend and could probably get a bargain price on the whole package. She just wanted to know what we thought about the idea.
At first, we all stared at her, not knowing if the whole thing was for real, because we suspected that she probably didn’t know the owner at all. With a broad smile, she continued to speak, talking about all the fun we could have: We could play games, organize some friendly competitions, enjoy bubble baths, and, of course, have a monster party in the evening.
A lively discussion began, and several of us thought the idea sounded great. The Red bank director looked around and saw that his employees liked the idea. Thankfully, he was keen on the idea. We were tired and worn out, and he wanted to show his appreciation for our commitment. He made the decision right there and then. After a five-minute discussion, he declared that there would be a party and he promised to foot the bill.
He looked at the Yellow woman who had suggested the party and asked if she was prepared to organize everything. Make the necessary calls and book everything. She immediately began to deliver a long harangue that was nothing more than one big smokescreen to hide the fact that she thought she had done her bit by coming up with the idea. The Red boss silenced her with a wave of his hand. A few Green colleagues were sitting behind him on a corner of the sofa, the same corner where they always sat. The boss didn’t even need to turn around to be able to call them by name. He asked each of them if they would help. They all agreed without really knowing what he’d asked. The Red boss nodded briefly and left the room. He was done. As he stood up, he forgot about the matter immediately.
Excitement burst forth, and everyone with Red and Yellow in their behavior profiles began exclaiming about the party, all talking at the same time. The Yellow advisor was extremely enthusiastic and continued to sell the idea, despite the fact that the decision had already been made. Her proposals for the type of party we should have became wilder and wilder. I remember that she started with a black-tie ball and had come all the way to a toga party before someone managed to silence her.
However, one person sat silently in the corner. Our Blue credit manager was very concerned. When everything calmed down a bit, he said with a loud voice, “But how are we supposed to get there?”
The only thing he had heard about the whole affair was that the conference center was twenty miles outside of town, and now the problems were stacking up. We were faced with a significant logistical challenge. Should we go by car? Or taxi? Or had the bank planned to charter a bus? How would this actually be done? Endless obstacles were lining up. He crossed his arms and clenched his teeth.
The Yellow woman erupted and tore into him right away. How could he be so negative? Here she was after coming with the best idea in the world and he immediately spoiled the whole thing with umpteen trying questions. Maybe he should come up with his own ideas for once? How did he think we should get there? He didn’t have an answer; he just pointed out that there were lots of options. He couldn’t make any decision or have an opinion. He only knew that the whole idea was poorly thought out.
The Greens saved the day by saying that they were willing to take their cars and pick everyone up. Five cars should be enough, and they promised to arrange everything. This announcement calmed the discussion down a little, and the Yellow woman could feel like a winner again. Her party had just been saved.
Everyone looked forward to the party, but the Yellow advisor never showed up; she had accidentally double-booked that day. There must have been a wedding on that same weekend. Or maybe a relative was turning fifty. As a matter of fact, it might have been both.
What Happens at a Company Party When No One Is Paying Attention
Once the party started, exciting things happened. We all know that alcohol affects people. We also know that different people are affected in different ways. Nothing strange so far. If we ignore for a moment that the amount of alcohol consumed is an important factor and assume that we’re just talking about moderate drinking and that no one will drive their cars that night, we can see some interesting patterns.
We had several Yellows in our branch. The four sellers who dealt with
private customers were very Yellow. They were jovial, positive entertainers right from the outset. They needed no alcohol before daring to “loosen up” and become approachable. In fact, you could easily get the impression that they always were a bit tipsy, because they had that frolicsome energy. They saw life as one long celebration that should always be funny and amusing.
But the interesting thing is that Yellows who drink can lose some of this. During the company party, I observed that three of the four Yellow salespeople became more and more silent as the evening went on. As the intake of certain beverages increased and the atmosphere became more intense, they withdrew. I remember one of the guys sat down on the steps outside with a wineglass in his hand. I asked him what was the matter. He was moody and philosophical. What was the point of it all? Why did he go the extra mile? No one ever really thanked him for it. Perhaps the best thing to do was to resign. My cheerful colleague had been transformed into a brooding pessimist.
Funnily enough, I found the Blue credit manager inside the party venue dancing on the table while telling dirty jokes. Never before nor since have I heard such dirty jokes. When I asked his colleagues what he had been drinking, they shrugged their shoulders and said that he always behaved like that when he got started. If I had met him for the first time that night, I would have thought that he was one of the Yellows at our workplace.
It was as if Yellows and the Blues had completely switched personalities. You could conclude that a really good party consists of sober Yellows and Blues who are slightly under the influence.
However, things became really interesting when I found our Red bank director, who normally was quite stern. He had a glass of whisky in his hand and was standing there speaking to the Green group of administrators. He explained, a little ambiguously I hasten to add, that he really wasn’t a horrible person and that he liked them very much. When he lost his temper at the office, they shouldn’t take it personally; he meant no offense, and they didn’t need to be afraid of him.
The six Greens, two men and four women, who had been drinking as well, all spoke up and gave him a piece of their minds. They were irritated by his behavior and explained that he was the worst boss they’d ever had. Each of them had been working in the office for at least twenty years and when he was gone they would still be there, and what did he think about that? They backed him into a corner and gave him a proper dressing-down. The Red boss fled the field and was the first to leave the party.
Even the Reds and the Greens had changed behavior with each other in some strange way! I left the party with an extraordinary insight—alcohol changes people, but exactly how they change is even more interesting.
However, back in the office on Monday, everything was back to normal. The Yellows told their latest jokes, and the Blue guy did not say a word. The boss glowered at everyone, and the Greens just stared at the wall when he showed up. Order was restored.
Again, I cannot prove this, so you simply have to do your own research. Challenge your pals late on a Friday night and you’ll understand exactly what I mean. Just take it easy with the alcohol.
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Adaptation
How to Handle Idiots (i.e., Everyone Who Isn’t like You)
Now let’s now take a look at how we can adapt to one another in order to work together. A man once said (admittedly with an ironic smile on his face, but still) that the test of intelligence is simple: “If you agree with me, then you’re intelligent. However, if you don’t agree with me, then you are clearly and undoubtedly an idiot.”
I assume that you’re intelligent enough to interpret this message correctly. But seriously—all of us have wondered why some people don’t understand anything. As I said in the introduction, when I was young I was often struck by the fact that people who appear to be very intelligent could, at the same time, be such complete idiots. They didn’t see what I saw. Some people delicately say that such individuals lack the right “intellectual elasticity,” but that’s only because they’re too well bred to let the word “idiot” come out of their mouths.
People Are Obviously Different. So What Do You Do About It?
How should we handle people who are different from us when they react and function in completely different ways? Can you take on various kinds of personalities in different situations? An interesting question. If it were possible to behave 100 percent like a chameleon—completely changing your behavior depending on whom you’re with—would it be a good idea to try? It’s natural for us to be who we are, to exhibit our own core behavior. But for a variety of reasons, we can feel the need to adapt to those around us. There’s often a lot of talk about how we must be flexible and adaptable so that we can cope with a wide variety of situations and are able to respond to many different types of people. The term has even been given a name—EI (emotional intelligence) or EQ (emotional quotient). To cope with this constant need for adaptation, it’s important that we’re aware that adaptation demands effort and takes a lot of energy.
Our natural condition is to exhibit our core behavior. Our “unnatural” behavior is to continually adapt to others, and this requires ability, training, and energy. If we’re uncertain as to what is “right” in a situation, if we’re untrained or lack sufficient energy to cope with the role that we currently believe is the right one, we will be frightened, hesitant, and often stressed. As a result, we lose even more energy and our core behavior becomes increasingly visible—often to the great surprise of those around us, who are used to seeing us behave in a certain way.
In a Perfect World
In the best of worlds, everyone can be themselves and everything functions smoothly from the word go. Everyone agrees at all times and conflicts don’t exist at all. This place is said to exist, and it’s called Utopia. But it’s not that simple. As I said at the beginning of this book, if you think that you can change everyone else, you’ll be very disappointed. It would surprise me if you could change anyone at all.
No matter who you are—Red, Yellow, Green, or Blue, or a combination of multiple colors—you will always be in the minority. Most of the people you encounter will be different from you. No matter how well balanced you are, you can’t be all the types at the same time. So you have to adapt to the people you meet. Good communication is often a matter of adapting to others.
But wait a minute, you might be thinking. That isn’t true. I can be myself. In fact, I never adapt myself for anyone, anytime, and it’s gone very well. It’s taken me this far in life.
Absolutely.
Naturally, everyone can start with themselves. That’s not a problem. But then, don’t expect to get through to other people with the message you’re trying to share. If you can live knowing that most of the people you meet won’t buy what you say, well, then you don’t have a problem.
You Already Do This, Even If You Don’t Think You Do
You already adapt your behavior, even if you don’t realize it. We all adapt to one another all the time. It’s part of the social game, the visible and invisible communication that is constantly in progress. I’m just proposing a more reliable system. You don’t have to gamble or guess. You can make the right adjustment from the beginning. But please note: usually. No system is perfect.
Some people I meet don’t like the idea of deliberately adapting to others. They consider it dishonest and manipulative. But again, you can always abstain.
An Example from Real Life
I’m going to tell you a true story about a man I met during a training conference many years ago, a likeable and very popular private entrepreneur who achieved great success in his field. This man—let us call him Adam—was extremely Yellow, a real visionary with ambitious plans that were only occasionally put into effect.
Adam had never thought about or reflected on how he behaved as a person or how he was perceived by others. There had never been any reason to. Someone had persuaded him to come to this conference, and he didn’t really know what he was getting himself into.
The topic that day was the same as this book; it was a full-day workshop where we worked on how to understand different behavior profiles. After the lunch break, I saw that something was troubling Adam. His face was serious, and his body language had become very closed. When I started talking again and explaining the various profiles, he sank deeper and deeper into his chair, and it was obvious to me that he was thinking about something else.
I asked what was troubling him.
There was an explosion. He exclaimed, “This is wrong! How could I categorize people like that? Put people into a theoretical grid system?” It turned out that he didn’t like the idea of adapting to other types of people, but not because he thought that everyone had to adapt to him. No, what worried him was that he saw it as a way to manipulate others and he didn’t like it. Didn’t like it at all, in fact.
Everyone wondered what the real problem was. Adam believed that you couldn’t categorize people this way. That using a lot of models was just wrong. He thought that it was highly dangerous not to go on pure feeling.
Someone in the group made it clear to him that he of all people should listen, since he was the one who attracted conflict. The debate was soon in full swing, and after thirty minutes I had to call a time-out.
I can understand Adam’s concern, and I respect the fact that he raised the issue. What worried him was that it wouldn’t work: If everyone adapted to one another, no one would be themselves any longer. In his way of thinking, that would be the greatest deception—not to be yourself.
Surrounded by Idiots Page 12
