The next step will be to start leading the person away from common pitfalls. As you have seen, each color has its obvious weaknesses. Here a Blue can help a Yellow become more concrete and the Yellow can perhaps persuade the Blue to loosen up and be a little more spontaneous.
At the risk of sounding clichéd—it’s all about working together, about meeting one another in the middle. You already knew that, but now you know how to do it.
13
How to Deliver Really Bad News
The Challenge of Speaking Your Mind
Who looks forward to bad news? No one. And yet, every now and then, we still need to break some bad news. In the world around us, the unexpected can happen, and sometimes the lot falls to you to inform someone about something negative. Reds are the best at delivering news that no one wants to hear. Rather insensitively, they’ll just come out and say that you’ve been fired, before asking you if you would like milk in your coffee. Tricky? No, not at all. He was just finished with the task at hand.
But there’s a difference, of course, between bad news and bad news. It’s one thing to convey a personal criticism and another to tell you that your grandmother has just died. The latter is always difficult, and no one will receive that news well. However, the former can be fine-tuned and adjusted in a way that makes it easier for someone to receive.
Feedback alone is a gigantic topic. It gives many people a stomachache just thinking about it, and many people I meet during my leadership programs find this area particularly difficult. Not only is it difficult to give feedback, but it also seems to be difficult to receive it. This is really strange, because the latter means just sitting there and listening. But anyone who has received some hard criticism and left the room afterwards knows that sometimes you can’t utter a word. When delivered badly, it will leave you feeling sick.
The solution for many executives I meet seems be simply skipping giving any kind of feedback. We don’t know how to give either positive or negative feedback, so we ignore it. I hardly need to point out why this isn’t a good solution.
The Downside of Just Doing Your Job
Once, many years ago, I had a colleague, Micke, who was exceptionally good at his job. Of all of us, he was the one who always met his budget targets. He had won every sales contest and was held in high esteem by customers. Boxes of chocolates and bottles of wine would arrive for him from far and wide on a regular basis.
What do you do with a colleague like that? You make sure that he stays. Easier said than done. As his boss, I wanted to show my appreciation for all his hard work. So, I called his wife and prepared everything. One Friday, just after lunch, I summoned the team to the conference room. In front of everyone, I pulled Micke up and explained that he was greatly appreciated and that we, as a group, wanted to show how happy we were to have him on our team. I said he should take the rest of the afternoon off, take his wife out to dinner, and go to the cinema, and that I would foot the bill. I gave him fifty dollars—you understand that this was some years ago—and two movie tickets. The babysitter was already arranged, so off Micke went. We cheered and applauded a little more, and the whole thing became a big feel-good moment.
Micke didn’t say a word. Until afterwards.
He took me aside and gave me one of the worst telling-offs I have ever received. How could I do that to him? Parade him out in front of all twenty-seven people, who just stood and stared at him! Awful! He was just doing his job. He made me promise never to do anything like that again. He was mad with me for a week.
Micke was Green. Does this give you any clues?
Feedback Immunity
There are many ways to give feedback, whether positive or negative, in the wrong way. Now I am going to share some ways you can properly give feedback. The funny thing is that this approach works just as well whether the feedback is positive or negative. Some people are immune to the first kind, others to the latter. I’ve chosen to focus on negative feedback, as this is typically the most difficult. If you can manage to deliver that, then you can probably manage the positive.
The following advice works just as well for your private life as it does for work. The only thing you need to know is what color your target is. So it begins as usual by you analyzing what colors are in the room. Once you’ve done that, you just have to set to work. The aim is to get the person to listen to your comments and, ultimately, to create change. All of the challenges of the previous chapter, about how others may perceive the different colors, can be dealt with if you just know how. The next sections explain just that. Many of the basic techniques in each section are similar no matter what color you’re talking to, but in each case the way you approach the person will vary depending on who he is and how he’ll receive feedback.
How to Give Feedback to a Red—If You Dare
Good news: You don’t need any great skill to give negative feedback to a Red. The only thing you need is a Kevlar vest and fire-resistant hair. Because no matter how you do it, the temperature in the room will rise. If you’re prepared for it, there won’t be any major problems. But if a Red doesn’t respond to what you say, then you have reason to worry. Either he’s ignoring you and what you’re saying or he’s seriously ill. But the following scenario is the most common. So hold on to your hat.
Don’t Gift Wrap Things
Let me be very clear here—when you’re conveying criticism to a Red, the simplest way to do so is to avoid any form of decorative wrapping. It’s enough of a challenge to even get through to Reds with your criticism, because a Red always believes that he is right and you are wrong.
Many years ago, I discussed Red behavior with a group of sellers, most of who were Yellow. They understood quite quickly what Red behavior was, and the Reddest person who came to mind at that time was their boss, the sales director. They described him as boorish, a bad listener, completely insensitive, manipulative, unrelenting, often in a foul mood, too much in a hurry, plus a whole bunch of other less flattering descriptors. The group was seriously concerned because they suspected that he hated his staff. Sure, he also worked very hard, and they respected him for that. But since he sometimes asked for ideas and then proceeded to lambast anything that didn’t suit his own agenda, they never got anywhere. Besides that, he controlled everything they did, in detail, which was probably the reason he worked so hard. The whole situation sounded disturbing, and the sales team would soon fall apart if nothing was done.
I called the sales director in and explained what the group had said. He listened with increasing interest but without showing any great concern. But his reaction was interesting. Once I had explained to him that his twenty sales reps—the most important resource he had to reach his personal goals—thought that he was an insensitive and aggressive son of a bitch, he replied, “This is just a handful of anecdotes. It’s not about me. It’s their incompetence that’s the problem. If they just worked harder and did a better job, I wouldn’t have to push them so hard.”
When I explained that his impatience was stressing the group and made the sales reps insecure in their work, he replied that it wasn’t his fault. Impatience wasn’t a weakness—it was a strength, for Pete’s sake! If he were to drag his feet the same way everyone else was doing in this company, nothing would get done. If they just bothered to increase their pace a little bit, then he could calm down and not be so aggressive. But the problem wasn’t really him—it was them.
Give Very Concrete Examples
As is often the case with Reds, everyone else was the real cause of the problem. Although Reds are efficient at getting things done, they can also be quick to appoint scapegoats. Remember the competitive element that constantly lies in wait beneath the surface. My way of getting through to this man was to break the whole thing down into tiny pieces and point to specific examples.
For instance, I explained that when he, at nine o’clock on a Friday night, called up a seller to grill him about a particular customer, he ruined the poor man’s weekend. There was no point
in saying that the sales rep was a nervous wreck or that he couldn’t sleep, because this boss would just have ignored it. He wasn’t responsible for how people felt. However, I was able to point out that the sales rep would come back to work on Monday morning completely exhausted by the mental effort. And then he wouldn’t be able to do his job to the best of his ability. Nothing would be sold that day. By coaching the sales director to give clear answers, I got him to see that he would have problems if his sales team wasn’t able to perform. Suddenly he had a reason to rethink.
Stick to the Facts
Another trick to keep in mind: A Red is not that interested in the feelings of others or what people think. He prefers to focus on facts and likes to fix things. He sees himself as an excellent problem solver. I delivered my criticism by placing the boss in the position of the key, the only key to the team’s success. Basically, it appealed to his ego. He saw himself as the great leader whose ability to lead the group was the critical factor in creating total dominance in the industry.
Be Prepared for War
So, step by step, example after example, situation to situation, I went through the sales team’s perceptions of him. The sales director protested each time and, without exception, argued strongly against any hint of personal criticism. The only thing he did was his job. For every example I gave, I had to repeat the same thing—it didn’t matter what he thought; as long as this was what the sales reps thought, he had a problem. He swore and fussed and accused me of incompetence. He would never hire me again. No one would ever hire me again after the uncalled-for attack I had subjected him to. I was finished in the industry.
I refused to play along with his ranting and raving. I leaned back in my chair and waited for the storm to abate. The worst thing you can do in such a situation is play along with the theatrics and start yelling and pounding your fist on the table. The Red’s natural instinct to win any given situation will then take over completely. He won’t be able to think long term and will become focused on winning right now. He’ll ignore the fact that we’re working together and that we’re going to meet again tomorrow. He’s out to win in this moment, even if it costs him a relationship. He ignores the consequences, aggression takes over, and the real battle begins.
But if you refuse to play along, you can manage Reds’ anger. So I remained seated, and when he finally calmed down I simply continued to the next point, without saying a single word to indicate that I had been influenced by his ranting and raving. Step by step, I got him to see the impact of his conduct on the group. And little by little, he began to realize that he had to learn to control himself when things didn’t go his way at work. He needed to take it easier on other people, to avoid placing unreasonable demands on others, and on himself, and to wait for deadlines instead of demanding delivery a week early, just because he was bored.
Ask the Person to Repeat What You Said
Seen from the outside, this whole incident probably looks like a violent quarrel, but I knew that I could make real progress if I didn’t let up. So I did what I recommend everyone trying to give negative feedback to a Red should do—asked the Red to repeat what we’d both just agreed on.
So this sales director had to obediently explain how he would act in the future, point by point, in certain specific situations. (I had a mandate from the CEO to do this, and we both knew it.) And yet even though intellectually he knew that I was right, he couldn’t give in. He crossed out one of the less important items on the list, clearly showing that it was a victory for him. Somehow, he still had to win.
Conclusion: Prepare yourself extremely well and try not to give negative feedback to a Red if you are not feeling strong that day. You need to be full of self-confidence, so choose your opportunity carefully. A Red is always strong, always full of self-confidence, so for him it doesn’t matter. He will ride into battle at a moment’s notice, if necessary. And, prepare yourself for the possibility that he might try to turn the tables. He’ll accuse you of everything under the sun so that he can feel he has the upper hand.
Don’t fall into his trap.
How to Give Feedback to a Yellow—If You Have the Patience
Yellows are great at many things. Among their great attributes is their love of change. Ideally, they’d change things all the time. You would think that accepting feedback can be a way to start changing the things that need to be improved. In particular, negative feedback is a great way to find out how to raise your performance to a higher level. But this isn’t quite the way it works with Yellows.
In fact, that isn’t how it works at all. When it comes to change, Yellows are certainly in favor of it, but only if they came up with the idea themselves. Criticism from the outside isn’t always well received.
Janne, a good friend of mine, is a phenomenal entertainer. There isn’t a group he can’t amuse, given enough space. His stories are usually fantastic, and during dinner out they come, a whole succession of jokes so that he has everyone rolling in the aisles. One joke after the other, and the whole thing is extremely entertaining. Janne is truly funny, no doubt about it.
But—and it is a significant but—he dominates everyone else in the room. No one else gets a word in edgeways. If you try, he stops and drowns you out, because he doesn’t see you as a partner in a conversation but rather as his audience. After a while, the laughter falls silent and things start to get uneasy. Those of us who know Janne understand that this is due to his desire to constantly demand center stage, while, for others, it takes more time to see through him.
At a dinner party once, it went so far that people started talking about Janne behind his back. I felt bad for him, so I decided to take the bull by the horns.
Make an Agenda—Follow It!
The first thing I had to do was prepare myself. Just sitting down with Janne and speaking from the heart about the issue wasn’t going to work. He would just take over the conversation and lure me off the track. So I decided to give a few concrete examples. I also wrote down exactly what effects his behavior might have on people. And I tried to anticipate all his objections.
On one occasion, Janne was helping me in my garden and afterwards we were sitting in the yard, sweaty and exhausted, each of us with a beer in hand. He had just told me about a trip he took to Spain and how frightened he was when the boat that was taking them to the tiny island where they were staying almost capsized. (His wife had already told me that they hadn’t even gone by boat. They had taken a small local plane.) But when he stopped for breath, I seized the opportunity.
“Janne,” I said. “We need to talk about a serious problem. You talk too much. And you make things up. I know that what you just said isn’t true because I spoke to Lena and she said that you flew to the island. This has to stop or you’re going to end up on bad terms with people.”
Janne stared at me as if I had lost my mind. “I don’t talk too much,” he said, a little bit surprised. “And even if I did, it would be because I have lots to say. I actually remember a time when I—” I put up a hand in front of his face and moved it quickly back and forth. It silenced him. I went straight on to the next step.
Give Very Concrete Examples
“At the last party we had together, you spoke more than fifty percent of the time we were sitting at the dinner table. I timed you. We were there for two hours and you held court for more than one of them.”
“You laughed,” he said, now quite grumpy.
“At the beginning. But if you’d been more observant, you would have noticed that it was only at the beginning. And afterwards I heard several people commenting on your need to take center stage in rather a negative way.”
This made Janne really indignant. “What ungrateful people! There I was, entertaining people, and what do I get for it? Sheer hostility! A stab in the back!”
“I’m not evaluating what they said,” I said, “but I noticed that they thought you were talking too much. Do you understand what I mean?”
It’s incredibly important to
get the Yellow to acknowledge and accept the message. If you don’t recognize a problem, you don’t have to solve it. What did Janne do? He nodded morosely. I thought things were going rather well after all.
Then something very strange happened.
Be Aware That His Ears Might Not Be Connected to His Brain
“I understand that you were bored,” he said. “You’re right. I’ve told some of those old stories way too many times. I need to stop repeating myself.”
I shook my head in despair. He had totally missed the point.
I said, “There’s nothing wrong with your stories. You just need to cut down on the number of them. Take every third one. Skip two out of three. The problem is that you talk too much, not that you repeat yourself. You have to let the other seven people around the table speak.”
But he wasn’t listening; he began telling me a new story just to check if I had heard it before. I had to repeat the whole thing.
Explain That You Don’t Dislike Him—Only His Behavior
Criticizing a Yellow is difficult because they take things personally. If everything isn’t ice cream and sprinkles all the time, then there must be a problem somewhere. They think you’ve suddenly become enemies. And Janne reacted in the same way. He physically moved several inches back away from me, a clear signal that he was upset. So I did what you do with little children: I explained that he was still my friend—probably my best friend—and I thought he was really funny. The only thing I wanted was for him to bury the blabber a little bit. He’d just gone overboard a bit. I told him at least ten times that I liked him very much.
Surrounded by Idiots Page 17
