“Where what happened,” he prompted.
“Where Ellie was killed.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE SUN WARMED his back as he walked down the street and came to the corner Luisa’s mother had meant. He kept walked, but his blood chilled. Had Ellie been biking? Walking? How old had she been? Had Luisa been with her when it happened?
So many unanswered questions twisted his gut.
He walked faster. In minutes he saw the school with its well-maintained grounds. Through the fence he saw her figure—whipping around the sealed court—too fast, no knee pads, no helmet. She was pushing it, he could see the effort and strain of her muscles even from this distance. Taking risks, acting as if her life was an awesome adventure as always, but that wasn’t what she did in the truly important areas of it. She was a total fucking fraud.
She was clad all in black, like she’d been back in Manhattan when he’d first seen her lithe physique and heard her laughter and even now, in all his anger, his damn body tightened with lust.
He’d landed on Fiji telling himself they only needed an affair to burn off the chemistry between them. But that was a lie—the story he conned himself with to make the risk acceptable.
He’d come after her because he’d wanted her with more than passion. He’d been drawn to her vibrancy—that zeal for pushing life to its limits. Luisa was unique. She was the light in his life. Everything he wanted. But she’d hidden so much from him. Even after they’d been intimate—after he’d opened up to her. She’d been lying to him. And to herself.
Betrayal by omission. Like his ‘mother’ Martha, Luisa had kept what mattered from him, even when she knew how that would hurt him.
Now she stopped skating and stared as he walked across the open playing court. “What are you doing here?”
He was too blinded by anger to believe in her sudden pallor. She was all about the doing, but not about feeling. Or sharing.
“Tell me about it,” he said roughly.
She skated over to the low seating at the side of the court and sank down. “About what?”
He followed her only part of the way. “This isn’t a game anymore Luisa. I’m just asking you to be a decent human for once and explain it to me. I’m a big guy, I can handle it. You can’t hurt me more than what you already have.” Though he knew that to be a lie too. He braced.
Impossibly her skin leeched more, she grew paler and paler still. He steeled himself against it. He’d been a fool for opening up to her, spilling his guts while she’d volunteered almost nothing. Had the connection he’d felt all been in his head? Wishful fucking thinking?
“Hunter, I didn’t want to hurt you—”
“Don’t.” He didn’t want to hear those excuses any more. Her ‘concern’ would only make it worse. He couldn’t let it get worse. Breathing was hard enough as it was.
“But—”
“I get it,” he interrupted. “You told me. You warned me from the start, you didn’t want this.”
“Hunter.”
“Forget it.” He rolled his shoulders back, furious with himself. He shouldn’t have come here. Shouldn’t have thought it would make a difference.
She suddenly lifted her chin at him in that old defiant way. “You don’t get to come here and judge me.”
“No?” He laughed bitterly at her arrogance. “The one thing you could have shown me was respect. Respect me enough to be honest. You still can’t even give me that.”
“No, I was just wrong,” she said suddenly. “I should’ve told you everything but I didn’t want to sound spoilt. I didn’t want to dump on you when you had enough to deal with already.”
He stared at her. “I’m willing to handle whatever you throw at me Luisa.”
“Its not going to make any difference anyway.” She rolled her foot back and forth from under her seat and finally sighed. “I met Jack on the ward. It can be a really intense time. You know? You’re living in… a bubble world. Time goes funny. Feelings can be more intense.” She drew in a breath. “He was supposed to get better. It was supposed to work.”
“Only it didn’t.” He watched her. “You loved him.”
“He was such a great guy and he gone too soon. He was so positive, you know? He cheered up others on the ward. He smiled. He hid his hard moments from almost everyone.” Luisa ached with the memories as if it had been yesterday. His parents had let her share his last days. They’d shared their grief with her. “But I saw what it did to his parents. I knew what it did to me.” She been devastated. “I didn’t want that happening to mine and my brothers and sister. I didn’t want to do that to anyone else.”
“So what did you do?”
“I was very lucky. I got better. And then I got positive. You know? So totally seize the day and get out there and do it and I can give you all those positive clichés and affirmations… and they even work. I have a great life.” She drew breath. “But at a distance, you know?”
Safe from real, strong emotions. Moving often enough not to get too close to anyone to get hurt that badly again.
“Tell me about your sister.”
Ellie.
Luisa closed her eyes. “You’ve been home?”
“I met your mother. She seems nice.”
“She is lovely. She’s a great mother and I was a really lucky kid. She and Dad don’t deserve the way I’ve treated them.”
“Have you been that awful?”
“I haven’t been around.”
“You’re not a child. You’re supposed to spread your wings and fly from the nest, right?”
“You’re supposed to call in at home sometimes too.” She hated how guilty she felt. How weak she really was.
“How long is it since you’ve been back?”
“Almost four years.”
He paused. “Not even for Christmas?”
“Not even then.”
“That’s quite a long time. Determined thing aren’t you. But then, I know that too.”
“I told you not to follow me.”
“Yeah, I got that message.” He stood in front of her. “Tell me about Ellie.”
She bit back the apology that sprang to her lips. That and the desire to tell him how much she cared. She couldn’t say all that. She had to remain strong. But she was torn by his presence. She had to tell him the truth, he deserved that at least. “When I got sick, she was bubbly and caring and so uplifting. She’d have done anything for me.”
“She was like Jack?”
“In that upbeat way, yes. We were all close, the three of us.” She paused. “That’s my tattoo, a cipher of our names.” She’d picked numbers instead of letters, swirling them together for fear she’d forget. But she could never, ever forget.
Ellie had been the ‘good’ twin, Luisa more moody. It was unfair for her parents to have been robbed of Ellie when they’d just had that huge heartache and battle getting Luisa through the cancer. They’d had enough worry and pain already.
“We didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. We couldn’t even donate her organs, she was too smashed up. She would have wanted us to, but even that was taken from her. Everything was taken from her.” She watched him, willing him to understand. “I have to live life to the full. I have to take advantage of everything that comes my way. All the opportunities. All the joy. All the experiences.”
“Because that’s what she’d want you to do?”
“It’s what she did. Both she and Jack.”
“So you go and live life to the full. All positivity and awesomeness and helping other people having amazing experiences. You’re a service industry superstar. You come across all vivacious, all brave. But you don’t have all the experiences. How can you, when you’re so full of fear?” He shook his head, speaking harshly. “I’ve been hurt too. Newsflash Luisa, everyone is at some point. You think you’re the only person who lost someone? We all pick up the pieces and carry on. We all keep on hoping—keep on living. But you don’t do that Luisa. Instead you’ve put yo
urself in this unbreakable, impenetrable box and won’t let anyone truly near. Worse than that, you deny your own emotions. You won’t let yourself feel. You finally got off with me, yes, but you didn’t really ever blow up—not in anger. Why can you admit there’s bad with the good? Why can’t you admit to having foul moods and shitty days? Blow off steam with friends, with a lover, with me. Don’t pretend everything so perfect all the damn time. That’s not living.”
“I’m living the life I want. It’s my choice.”
“And you damn everyone else to hell?” He glared at her in pure frustration.
“Hunter, I don’t want to hurt you—”
“Don’t put this on me. Don’t make out that you’re being noble and self-sacrificing to protect me. This is you choosing to reject me. This is you not wanting me.”
“No, this is me not wanting you to suffer. Not even you can protect me from what’s inside me!” she yelled at him.
“And what’s that?”
“Dormant rogue cells.”
His jaw dropped, clearly stunned he dragged in a ragged breath.
“Cancer cells, Hunter,” she carried on, furiously telling him everything. “Killers. You deserve more than the uncertainty I come with. You’ve lost too much,” she said.
“So have you,” he snapped back. “But so what? We’ve lost but we live anyway. We carry on.”
“I can’t give you anything that you need.”
Pure frustration crossed his face. “So I get no say? You just make that decision all on your own? Isn’t it for me to decide if I’ve lost too much? You’re taking away from me—the best bits. The time we could have.”
On the one hand Hunter was so freaking elated because he now knew she cared, but he was so pissed off with her for still being such a damn chicken. For not seeing past the road blocks. This wasn’t insurmountable.
“Wouldn’t it be worth it?” He glared at her. “Wouldn’t I be worth it?”
He hated that she wouldn’t answer.
“I can throw some clichés at you if you want,” he growled. “They’re clichés for a reason you know. Because they’re usually right. So how about one day at a time, huh? How about facing something together?”
She was still silent. That was his trick. Now he realized just how annoying it must be.
“You think you’re so tough. So adventurous. So brave. You’re the biggest coward I’ve ever met. You couldn’t even tell me the truth.” Not even when he’d exposed his deepest vulnerability. When he’d trusted her. Just when he thought she’d accepted him, she’d walked out.
He hated himself for lashing out at her. It was her life. She could do what she wanted with it. And just because she didn’t want him, that wasn’t her problem, it was his.
That’s if that was true. But he didn’t think it was—the way she looked at him? The way she argued she wanted to protect him?
He gritted his teeth. More wishful fucking thinking on his part? No, he believed she still wanted him. She was flushed and agitated now. He induced strong feelings in her and it wasn’t hate.
He drew a breath and tried another tack. “I get that you’re scared.”
But old, deep doubts suddenly roared. Was she scared or was this her searching for an excuse? Was he just embarrassing himself? The old horrors sank their teeth into him. Could he be any less wanted? Why did he always want what he couldn’t have? Didn’t he damn well deserve something more? What was wrong with him? To say life was unfair was an understatement. But the fucking pity party was pointless. He curled his fists, aching for physical aggression to burn it out.
“I get that I’m no picnic. I’m not the easiest of people to love. That’s okay. You don’t have to.”
“Hunter, it’s because I care about you that I’m doing this.”
“No,” he roared, his control torn. “That’s a lie. Don’t try to soften the blow with that kind of crap. This is about you. This is only about you.”
“I love you.”
And that just killed him. The three little words, delivered with such softness, such lightness—and he couldn’t believe her no matter how much he wanted to. Actions always spoke louder than words.
“You don’t know what love is.” He shouted—only it came out as a whisper. “If you cared…” he breathed hard. “If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t be doing this. You wouldn’t be able to.”
Because she wouldn’t be able to bear how much she was hurting him.
Luisa felt like she’d been sliced open from throat to navel. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t get her brain to work.
“I can’t do anything else,” she whispered. It would be worse if she didn’t end it now. Hot tears rolled down her cheek. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Yeah,” he nodded bitterly. “For yourself.”
“Stop putting this all on me,” she flared up at him, so angry with him for doing this. For ripping them both apart. “You’re every bit as isolated as I am. Did you really want anything more from me? Wasn’t this just lust? ‘Uncomplicated’ and ‘not that difficult’? Isn’t that all this was? You don’t want any more anyway. The only reason you’re so pissed is because you failed at the one thing you pride yourself on—finding out all the facts. You missed a whole chunk of it here and you’re mad. That’s why you’re going off at me now. You hate not knowing everything.”
“Do you blame me for that?”
“Of course I don’t. But you need to be as honest as you’re asking me to be. You never wanted a relationship.” She shook her head. “At least, not with me you didn’t. I was the fun fuck Hunter. The vacation relief. That’s all you ever wanted from me.”
“I had no idea what I wanted. I was an idiot. This whole damn thing is a first for me.”
“It’s not your lifestyle.”
“Why does my lifestyle have to fit in with someone else’s ideal?”
“You’re away for months at a time. You said yourself, a relationship isn’t compatible. You’re just mad because I walked out on you again.”
“Maybe it could be. Maybe now I’ve met you, I could want that.”
“The white picket fence and a dog and a couple of kids?” She stared at him in horror. “Too bad. I can’t give it to you, even if I wanted to.” She dragged in a burning, savage breath. “I can’t have kids Hunter. My ovaries got fried with the cancer treatment. They would have done an egg harvest, but they decided they didn’t have time. So I… can’t. I can’t give you everything you deserve.”
The hurt on his face now was unbearable.
“I can’t give you what I want to be able to give you,” she cried. “I can’t give you anything you want.”
“How the fuck do you know what I want?” he exploded. “You won’t even listen to me. Don’t you get it? You’re all I want. You’re everything I want.”
“You should have so much more. You should—”
“Don’t you think that maybe I’d want to help some other kid who’s lost his parents?” He interrupted her ferociously. “Why be so bloody conservative with your ideal family set-up? Maybe I’d rather foster some poor little scrap who’s started off with fuck-all chance. I’d adopt. I don’t have to reproduce my own DNA. If that’s not possible, it’s not possible. But that doesn’t mean we can’t build a fucking awesome family. But I’d never lie to my kids. And I’d never keep secrets from them.”
Her eyes welled and a torrent of tears fell, but she didn’t cry out, didn’t sob. She was silent in the face of his honesty.
“You think you’re living this adventurous life?” He didn’t stop. He ripped her more. “You hurt the ones who love you already. When it comes to people you don’t seize the day, you sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else.”
“In my bomb proof glass box,” she nodded. “Because I don’t want to hurt anyone else again.”
“Because you’re so giving?” He shook his head at her. “You’re the biggest coward I’ve ever met.”
He’d stripped the last of her defenses f
rom her and now she was beyond livid—she was broken.
“You deserve so much more than what I can give you and that is true,” she shrieked. “You do. But you’re right, that’s the easy answer. It’s easier for me to turn it around and say its to protect others—to protect you. But okay, you’re right, it’s about me too. I can’t do it Hunter.” She jabbed her fingers into her chest. “I can’t go through it again. Not with you. And you put yourself in danger.” She shook with the horror of it. “I want you, but I need a kind of certainty I know I can never have. Yes, I’m scared. And maybe I’m selfish. But I can’t reconcile my feelings.”
There was an abyss between them—an impossible impasse. And there was no way to bridge it.
“So the solution is to run away?” he asked, finally.
“Yes,” she admitted the raw, ugly truth. “I’m too broken for you.”
He looked at her for a long, silent moment. His expression was unfathomable again—and becoming more remote with every passing second. At last he turned and walked away from her.
Luisa sat on the cold stone seat and watched him go.
She’d done it. She’d banished him.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LUISA HUNG HER skates back in the cupboard where they’d always waited for her return. Her mother glanced up from the table where she was sitting working on a puzzle.
“Your friend didn’t come back with you?” Her mom asked gently.
Luisa shook her head and tried to smile, not trusting her voice.
“He seemed nice.” Her mom commented.
Luisa’s throat tightened unbearably. “He’s a very nice man, mom.”
“But you’re not going to see him again?” Her mom didn’t look at her but kept her eyes on the puzzle, as if she were afraid to pry too personally.
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