by P. Stormcrow
“Have you rested at all?” One look around the apartment gave him the answer. It was spotless, shining to the point where he could almost make out his own reflection on the hardwood floor.
The woman was insane.
He closed the door behind him and followed Luna deeper into her home. By the way her body moved, he knew she was very much in pain, so why wouldn’t she rest? A wave of almost unreasonable rage washed over him. The primal part of him screamed. Someone was hurting what was his, except the culprit was also that same person. He closed his eyes and breathed, steadying himself, taking a moment for his temper to calm.
“Luna.” Catching up, he placed a hand on her shoulder, even as he forced a little more command into the word.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her back still toward him.
“For what, sweetheart?”
“For not letting you know that I’m okay. For not giving you an answer. For… For not being in touch.” Her voice trembled, but if she was crying, she wouldn’t let him see the tears.
And so, he stepped up to her instead and wrapped his arms around her from behind, over her shoulders without resting his weight on them. With only light nudges, he guided her until she leaned back against his chest. As if obliging her wish, he did not look down, so she could cry in comfort without him seeing. “Don’t worry about it, Luna.”
“I keep thinking, that if…if…he…” Luna paused, as if struggling to say August’s name then failing. “If August didn’t give me a ride home, then maybe we wouldn’t have been on that route and met that other—” She choked back a sob and covered her face with her good hand.
Jacob’s eyes widened in horror. Was that why she’d left the hospital by herself and hidden the last few days? Did she think everyone blamed her the way she did herself? Was that the reason she was punishing her own still-healing body?
He should have come earlier. He had wanted to respect her space, knowing she was still undecided about him, had wanted to make sure she didn’t feel influenced or taken advantage of in a moment of vulnerability. He was an idiot. Lesson learned.
Well, it’s not too late to correct that mistake.
“Luna.” He turned her around and tugged her hand away until he could see her tear-stained face. He waited until her gaze rose to meet his. “The only person at fault here is that bastard of a drunk driver—not you, not anyone else.” He would try one command. “I need you to understand that and to stop punishing yourself. Here.” He tapped her temple with his forefinger. “And eventually here too.” His finger moved to her chest where her heart lay.
When she nodded, he felt another knot of tension in him release. It was the one order he wouldn’t feel guilty about giving. If it meant exploiting her submissive nature to make sure she let herself heal, he would give the command in a heartbeat any time.
“I-I just don’t know what to do with all this sadness. I can’t think straight.”
Now wariness filled him. Everything in him wanted to take over, to guide and give her the structure she needed right now to see her way out of the grief. But it was not his place, not yet. He didn’t want to create a dependence when he wasn’t sure she could accept the three-year term.
He growled at himself. The wishy-washiness was not like him. Lani’s advice came unbidden in his mind. Luna was a big girl with her own mind. He would push until she pushed back. He had to trust her for that.
“Let me.” Jacob kept his tone soft. “This is part of what a Dom is for. Let me take care of you.”
Luna snapped her head back, her eyes growing round like saucers, the whites showing. She reminded him of a wild mare, bucking under control.
“I…” He could see the conflict of emotion across her face. The slight blush brought the first brush of color back to her complexion. Her lips parted, her chest rising and falling with quickening breaths. But her eyes… Those startling blues held hesitation and grief only. When she shook her head, it confirmed his suspicions.
“I want to say yes but I’m not ready yet. I don’t know if…” She trailed off again but they both knew. If she was ready for him as a trainer, ready for the three-year term.
“It doesn’t have to be a commitment.” He needed her to understand that his offer came with no strings attached.
“I know. But I’m afraid that after a taste, I wouldn’t be able to turn back. And it wouldn’t be fair to you. I wouldn’t be very good at serving right now.”
The last was a flimsy excuse but he let it go. Instead, he inclined his head in acceptance and drew her into a full hug. When she leaned into him, he pressed a kiss on the top of her head. “Okay. But when you’re ready, we can talk again.”
“Okay.” The answer was enough to soothe his aching heart and he wondered why her reply had hit him so hard.
“I’m a bit of a mess, aren’t I?” A shaky laugh broke through her quivering voice.
“Life is messy, sweetheart. And it’s always harder for those left behind.”
He could feel her tears coming as her shoulders shook and his shirt began to grow wet. He rubbed unhurried wide circles across her back, letting her take whatever comfort she needed, because he would be here for her.
She leaned back and rubbed her cheeks. With more tenderness than she showed herself, he pulled her hand away, cupped her face and rubbed away the tears with the pads of his thumbs, using a much lighter touch.
Out of nowhere, her stomach growled and they both looked down.
“When was the last time you ate?”
Luna glanced sideways, refusing to meet his eyes. “I’m not sure. I had some chips.”
Now Jacob growled under his breath. “Sit down. I’m making you food before I leave.”
“But!”
“Sit.”
He nodded his approval when Luna slid into a seat by the kitchen island. Familiar with her kitchen already, he opened the fridge and surveyed what he had to work with. In short order, he placed a plate of eggs and toast in front of her and pushed a fork into her hand. Simple, fast but it would fill her.
Leaning over the counter, he watched the first forkful enter her mouth. She sped up with the next bite, the first taste of food spurring her appetite such that she devoured the rest in no time. Satisfied, he turned to clean what he’d used to cook. The simple act of feeding her settled the Dom in him a little, enough to recognize that if he stayed longer, he would issue more commands, despite her saying she wasn’t ready. And she would obey. Such was the natural dynamic between them. But there was one more thing.
“Did you want me to pick you up for August’s funeral on Saturday? I’m driving Lani already.”
Alarm and relief mingled in her expression as she shot right up then winced at the way the sudden motion sent shooting pains through her body’s wounds. “Shit,” she swore and grabbed her phone that had been tossed, half-forgotten, on the counter. She turned it on. And she was gone, absorbed by the incessant buzzing that started.
“Luna?”
She looked up once more and swallowed hard. “Sorry. I haven’t checked my phone. I should have realized.”
Ah-h. She had no idea the funeral was just two days away. He let her absorb the news and held his tongue.
“No. I think I should go alone,” she replied, her voice growing smaller. “Please.”
He wanted to ask more but her plea made him back off. Exhaling, he pushed his hair back. “All right. But promise me that you’ll take better care of yourself in the meantime. Regular meals and sleep. No more pushing your body.” At that, he waved at the spotless place.
Luna ducked her head as if she was a child being scolded after she’d gotten caught doing something she shouldn’t. It was endearing but also close to reality. “Okay. I promise.”
“Good.” He walked the few steps that took him to the foyer and put on his shoes. Luna slid off her chair and followed.
When he turned, Luna’s one arm hug caught him by surprise. She held him tight, burying her face against his chest so that he a
lmost couldn’t make out her words.
“Thank you for checking up on me.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Good night.” He brushed his lips across the top of her head once more.
“Good night, Jacob.”
Chapter Thirty-One
‘Did you see the proofs Eli sent over via email?’ August had been drinking his tea, as nonchalant as usual.
‘Yeah, did you reply to his question?’ The photos, most in black and white with just a splash of color of the foliage to frame the subject, were tasteful and gorgeous. She almost hadn’t recognized her own body.
‘I did. I told him I was okay with everyone getting a complete set, if it was going to be easier on him. I believe Cassie said the same thing.’
‘Me too. I’m looking forward to the prints.’
‘Luna, I was thinking of gifting my set to Lani, just the ones of me, but I know we did a few composites together. Would you be okay if Lani had those too?’
She hadn’t wanted to squeal and make August more uncomfortable than he’d already looked. His eyes hadn’t met hers as he scratched his cheeks, so he hadn’t quite seen her obviously silly grin. It had been a good thing, too. It would have made him even more uncomfortable.
‘Of course, I don’t mind. I think it’s a great idea.’
The bright sun felt at odds with the heavy sorrow in her heart. Fingers of light cast patterns over the matte prints scattered across her coffee table. Taking advantage of the fact that she’d gotten dressed for the first time in days, Luna had gone downstairs to retrieve her mail and now she stared at the contents of the manila envelope, struggling to not start crying all over again. Later, she would sort out her feelings and what to do with the prints. She rubbed her eyes and rose from her couch. It would not do to be late.
As Luna arrived at the funeral home, she paused, hovering near the door as she watched the sedated crowd mill around in the reception area, a low rise and fall of murmurs filling the room. Whispers of condolences—“Oh, isn’t it a shame. He was so young”—and other empty words set her teeth to grind. A flash of anger shot through her as she wondered how many of them truly knew August before she took her time to exhale, letting the emotions go.
She spied Jacob and Lani standing together, huddled in a corner, sipping warm beverages despite the rising heat. She held herself apart, even as Madelyn approached and gave each of them a hug. Luna chose a spot on the opposite side of the room to stand, not wanting to intrude, not ready yet to face them. Some friend I am.
The door opened once more and Cassie stepped through. That’s right. August would have been hanging out with her today if not for what happened. Luna bit her lower lip hard to keep her emotions in check. She dug deep within herself for courage and walked toward her.
What she didn’t expect were the cold eyes that narrowed at her approach.
“Cassie?”
“What do you want, Luna?”
Luna took a step back, surprised by the venom in her voice. “I-I…” She stuttered in surprise, unprepared for that reaction.
“Look… I don’t want to cause a scene here.” Something in Cassie softened just a little as she spoke.
Perhaps there was a chance. “Please, talk to me, Cassie.” It was the wrong thing to say.
Cassie’s entire posture stiffened. “Oh, so now you want to talk? Fine. August was my friend too. My best friend. And he was supposed to be hanging out with me that day but he postponed because he got worried about you. Then when he…he… You didn’t even have the guts to tell me. Instead I had to hear it from Darryl, who wasn’t even close to August. What kind of friend are you?” Cassie spat out the last words, her shoulders shaking with anger.
Under such intense rage directed at her, Luna wilted. Cassie was right. What kind of friend was she? A terrible one, that was what. She hung her head. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Just stay away from me, Luna.” Cassie stomped off, leaving her standing, still rooted to the spot.
She would not cry, she would not cry.
“Hello, Luna.”
She spun around. Madelyn stood before her with a grave nod in greeting. August’s sister looked tired and worn, grief dulling her face. Despite an attempt with makeup, Luna saw the dark circles around her eyes and was pretty sure she herself didn’t look so different.
“Hello, Madelyn.” She had googled all the things to say at a funeral ceremony the night before but she couldn’t remember a damn suggestion right now. “How are you doing?” In her head, she kicked herself.
“Holding up, I suppose. The parents flew back as soon as I got in touch with them and that’s been both a blessing and a curse.” Madelyn shook her head then before looking down. Luna followed her gaze to see a small leather-bound notebook in her hands.
“I think August would have wanted you to have this. I understand he was a bit of a mentor to you in the lifestyle.” Madelyn extended the book to her.
With a shaky hand, Luna accepted it and bowed her head.
“Madelyn!” From a small distance an older woman called out and both of them turned toward the sound at the same time.
“I’d better go. Mother’s been in perfectionist mode.” Madelyn reached out to touch Luna’s arm. “Take care of yourself.”
“Thanks. You too.”
As soon as Madelyn stepped away, Luna found a seat, placed the book in her lap and opened it then sucked in a breath. Pages and pages of notes, anecdotes and stories filled the pages, all in August‘s neat handwriting. She picked a random page and began reading.
Last night I ran into Luna at The Playgrounds. Like I wrote before, I think she’s a kindred soul but I think she’s still trying to find her way. She asked how I came to terms with my submissive nature and the question took me way back. I remembered how confused I was, how I didn’t understand why anyone would desire the things that I did. I remembered thinking something was fundamentally wrong with me. To this day, I regret that period of repression I went through. All I can hope is that I can give Luna enough guidance that she doesn’t have to go through what I did. It can be such a lonely journey.
A tear fell on the page and Luna rubbed her eyes. “Damn it.” She blew at the page, relieved to see that the drop hadn’t landed on any writing and smudged it. With infinite gentleness, she closed the journal, one finger stroking the well-worn leather cover.
August had once mentioned that he wrote to help understand himself as a sub. The journal must be the sum of his thoughts given form. Even in his death, August was still trying to help her. She clutched the journal to her chest. He was still here—in these words, in her heart, in all their memories.
“Please, miss, if you’d step this way. We’re about to start the service.”
Luna looked up and rubbed her eyes once more. A portly man held a hand out, gesturing toward the door, and he smiled. There was an open kindness that spoke of comfort. He must be one of the funeral home staff.
“Ah, thank you.”
The rest of the service was lovely but Luna felt disjointed, as if she were seeing August in a context she was inexperienced with. He was much more than a sub of course—a son, a brother, a coworker, a friend. But to her, he was a mentor and, like his journal said, a kindred soul.
In the distance, she saw Lani sitting in her chair, her back straight as a board, her face raw with pain, and Luna wished she was sitting right next to her with Jacob. From the other side of the room, she glimpsed Cassie sitting alone. Three chairs down, Darryl sat, casting glances over at Cassie from time to time. Had Cassie pushed Darryl away too? Her mind traveled back to Lani’s birthday, not so long ago, and not for the first time, she wished she could rewind life back to that perfect moment—like Hermione with her time-turner in the Harry Potter books and movies. August would have liked that.
Then, it was the end of the ceremony. The director announced a last opportunity for viewing while the family prepared for the march to the burial site. Luna took a deep breath to brace herself an
d stepped forward as others made to exit the room. Journal still clutched in her good arm, she stepped up to the casket, determination driving every step.
There he was. He could almost be asleep. Luna remembered her last sight of him being his bloody hand and had to shake her head clear. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered.
“We all will.”
Luna looked up as Jacob drew near. On her other side, Lani placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a light pat. She gave a weak smile in return, tears beginning to once more stream down her cheeks and she found her mirror in Lani’s face. For a brief moment, she forgot her guilt as they shared the single moment of heartache.
“Come on. Let’s send August on his way.” Jacob spoke with a gentleness that mirrored his touch on the small of her back.
“Yeah.”
They followed on foot in the funeral procession that led them up the hill to the burial site, hole already dug, gravestone already erected. More words were said as they stood there but Luna let them wash over her without registering them, as all she could do was stare at the scene unfolding before her. When they began to lower the casket, Luna heard sobs break out and began trembling herself until Jacob took her free hand and held it tight. It was the only thing that kept her anchored.
Then, it was time. She stared at the casket, a rose in her hand. There was so much left unsaid. Later, she promised herself. Later, she would sit here alone and words would come.
“Goodbye, August. Thank you…for everything.” With that, she let the rose fall.
* * * *
That night, she sat on her couch, staring at the photos, the journal sitting next to them. Luna took her time, studying each print, committing them to memory while also letting each image help her recall that corresponding moment during the shoot. Her mind roamed.
There, August was smiling at her in encouragement. There, he had stepped out, comfortable with his own nudity. Luna remembered admiring that.
