by Bethany-Kris
If it were any other priest, Emma might not have come.
She didn’t like funerals, or the sadness they brought. Despite people often proclaiming that they wanted nothing more than to celebrate the life of the deceased, grief was still forefront, saddening everything it could touch.
But no matter how much she disliked funerals and the pain they brought, Emma couldn’t bring herself to disrespect Father Day in that way. Months back, the morning before Calisto’s accident, Emma had learned of her pregnancy.
She’d been terrified.
Ashamed.
She hadn’t known what to do given the circumstances. She knew there would be no hiding what had happened between her and Calisto because of the pregnancy, and she was just scared.
Stupid, foolish, and scared.
Emma went to Father Day, needing a safe place to land as her emotions crashed and burned all in one fell swoop. He’d listened to her sins, mistakes, and fears. He let her tell the story, and how it all led into the predicament she found herself in.
Father Day never judged her.
He held her hand, and he’d wiped the tears away with a promise that she would find her path again someday, but it might take a while of walking before it showed up.
More than anything, Emma had needed those words in that moment.
Father Day had given her hope, no matter how small it was, at a point when she felt helpless. That was invaluable to Emma.
So, no. She couldn't imagine not saying goodbye to the man, or thanking him for the small thing he did for her.
At the foot of the altar, a few men in robes stood talking with a priest. A young altar boy directed Emma to a quiet room in the back where Father Day’s casket was waiting for those who wanted to view his body and say a private goodbye before the official funeral began.
Emma waited outside the doors of the private room while a couple and their two young children went in to pay their respects. She recognized the family as members of the congregation she attended, and that Father Day had preached to before his murder.
She expected Affonso to be back at her side before the couple exited the private room, but he wasn’t. Emma ended up going in alone.
The sight of the polished, gleaming black casket sitting in the private room made Emma’s steps stutter. A dull pain settled in her heart as she eyed the large arrangements of calla lilies resting on either side of the casket.
Candles burned on a small table just a few feet away. Even more unlit candles were waiting for guests to light them up, and say a prayer for the priest.
Emma skipped over the candles, not entirely sure what she would pray for. She approached the casket slowly, worried about what she might see. There had been rumors about how the priest died, and that it might be a closed casket.
It wasn’t.
Thankfully, Father Day looked only like he was resting in a deep sleep. And despite the paleness to his tone, as he had been olive-complexed, he looked at peace. His hands were folded together right under his breastbone, and a cross rested between his fingertips. They had dressed him in his robes with a high neckline and his white collar.
Just under his right ear, something caught Emma’s eye. It was a thin line of stitches that disappeared under the collar of Father Day’s black robe.
His throat had been cut.
A heaviness settled in her stomach at the sight of the injury, though it wasn’t exactly easy to see. It looked, by all means, that every attempt had been made to hide the injury. The clothing choice and makeup work done by the undertaker had clearly been a decision made to hide the way the priest had died.
A violent death, Emma thought.
He’d probably been terrified.
No one deserved to die like that—frightened and alone. But especially not a man like Father Day, who had seemed to want nothing more when alive than to care for his flock of lambs.
Chancing a glance over her shoulder, Emma found no one was waiting at the doors to come in and pay their respects. She took that opportunity to pull an item from the pocket of her trench coat, one she had been holding onto for a while.
The black rosary swung to and fro as she held it up, looking at the golden cross hanging off the strand of beads. After he had given it to her, Calisto had told her once that the rosary belonged to his priest, who gave it to him as a way of comfort. He then gave it to her, and she used it for her own comfort through the grief of losing her baby.
Emma didn’t want to let the rosary go—it was one of the very few pieces of Calisto that she had left to hold onto. One small piece of their puzzle that proved there had once been something, even if he couldn’t remember it, and that they were real.
Some days, it felt like Emma had just imagined it all.
Like maybe everything she had been with Calisto was just a dream.
Emma knew it was crazy—it was impossible to forget what she had shared with Calisto Donati. All their love, the stolen moments, their foulness together, and the beauty underneath it all were real.
They were real.
But he didn't know.
He didn’t know any of it.
And little by little, with every day that passed her by, Emma found she was losing those pieces that reminded her they had existed once.
Just like the rosary.
All too soon, Emma knew … there would be nothing left.
Still, as she stared at the rosary, she couldn’t deny the urge to give it back to its rightful owner. To put it back where it started, and let it make its way home.
The rosary had served its purpose. It comforted her. It gave her hope. It grounded her.
But it still wasn’t hers.
And she thought maybe … just maybe … Father Day would like to have his rosary back.
Emma quickly leaned over the coffin, and grabbed hold of Father Day’s cold, unmoving hand. She lifted it, and put the rosary over top his other hand before laying his palm down on it again. The black beads tangled around the cross he held, while the golden cross attached to the rosary was hidden between his hands.
“Thank you,” Emma said, straightening back up again. “Thank you for giving me sanctuary.”
She hadn’t found the road that Father Day said she would.
Not yet.
But the lingering faith she had wouldn’t let Emma go.
For that, she was grateful.
With one last quick goodbye, Emma made her way out of the private room, intent on finding her husband and then a pew to sit in. As it was, she had been standing for too long.
She was twenty-six weeks along in her pregnancy. It was nothing more than a miracle that she had made it this long without her cervix weakening and putting her into early labor.
She wasn’t supposed to be on her feet like this.
Nonetheless, she felt like she had to do this today. She owed it to the priest.
Right outside of the private room, Emma froze, finding Calisto standing off to the side. He was leaning against the wall, and staring at an intricate, rich-colored tapestry hanging off a curtain rod just outside of the confessional room. He didn’t seem to notice her presence, but he must have known she had been in paying her respects, or he would have interrupted her.
Emma didn't say a thing—she took that moment to just stare at Calisto when he didn’t know she was doing it. He looked more like the old him before his accident than he had in a long while. His suit jacket was tossed over his arm, and the sleeves of his silk dress shirt had been rolled up to the elbows.
A clear sign he was stressed.
The strong lines of his face were darkened in his frown, and it was impossible not to see the pain flickering in his eyes.
Emma thought most times, Calisto often looked confused. She didn’t think anyone else knew it, because he hid it well, but she saw it. Like he was staring around at his world and knowing something wasn’t right, but still being unable to make it better.
Between the fingers of his right hand, he twirled an unlit cigarette.
In his left, he held the rosary she had given him last Christmas.
“Cal?” Emma asked.
Calisto barely acted like Emma had startled him as he turned to glance at her. “Afternoon, Emma.”
“You can go on in.”
He didn’t move. “In a minute. But thanks.”
Emma knew it probably wouldn’t do her any favors to ask, but she couldn’t help herself when the words slipped out. “I know you were close to Father Day, so this must be hard for you.”
Calisto barely reacted. “Harder.”
He had found the priest, too.
She couldn’t begin to imagine.
“I’m sorry, Cal.”
Calisto did smile then. It was small and fleeting, but it had been there. Just as fast, he pushed off the wall, pocketing the cigarette and rosary he held. Stepping past Emma and into the entryway of the private room, he stopped for a second to mutter, “I should say goodbye before I convince myself otherwise.”
Why did she feel like he was talking about more than just the priest?
“Horrible day,” Affonso muttered, glaring up at the gray sky.
“Fitting for a funeral,” Emma replied.
Affonso didn’t bother denying it.
Light sprinkles of rain fell on the graveyard and over the people as dirt was thrown into a waiting grave. Not five minutes before, Father Day’s casket had finally been lowered after a long and well-deserved procession.
They had moved from the one church to the graveyard at Father Day’s church so the man could be buried at his parish.
It was the only thing about the day that really made Emma wish she hadn’t come, or at the very least, excused her way out of the burial by saying she needed to get home and rest. That would have been a viable, believable excuse, surely.
But no.
Instead, she was standing in a graveyard that she hadn’t visited in months. More months than she wanted to admit. Her baby boy was buried just four rows down, under a maple tree where he was both shaded, but also where he could be colored by falling leaves in the Autumn.
Emma had come to the graveyard on and off after her baby passed away shortly after his birth, but then her trips went from once a week to maybe once a month.
Then she stopped altogether.
It was less painful this way.
She didn’t want to get caught up in remembering the hell that day had been when she birthed him, knowing he would die. She didn’t want that sadness and fear to color up her current pregnancy, and put her straight into an anxious, driven mess.
So she avoided it.
Or tried.
“Well,” Affonso said, tugging on the lapels of his jacket. Another shovelful of dirt was tossed into the grave, and people began to turn to leave. Quite a few stayed behind. “I suppose that’s that, isn’t it?”
“It is. What was that about with Ray earlier in the church?” she dared to ask.
Affonso pulled off his sunglasses, ones he didn’t need with the current weather, and peered over his shoulder. Emma followed his gaze, but found he was staring at nothing but the row of parked cars along the road of the cemetery.
“Nothing,” Affonso said after a moment. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”
Emma forced herself not to glare.
He always did that. Dismissed and deflected while making her concerns seem petty and useless. It irritated her more than she could explain, but it was nothing new.
“Before I get any wetter from this godforsaken rain,” Affonso mumbled, glancing back up at the sky, “I am going to the car. Let’s leave.”
Emma hesitated. No doubt, she needed to get off her feet for a while. She had an appointment with her specialist in two days to check her cervix again and make sure a stitch wasn’t needed just yet, but she didn’t want to push her luck.
Still, while she was here …
“Would you mind if I caught up with you in a couple of minutes?” Emma asked.
Affonso tossed her a look, cocking a brow. “I can’t see how watching the gravekeeper toss in dirt will be more enjoyable than the dry, warm backseat of my Mercedes.”
Emma brushed his comment off. “It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
“I thought I should go say hello to the baby, since I’m here and all.”
Affonso straightened a bit, his passive, uncaring mask firmly back in place. “Oh.”
Emma didn’t let his response, or lack of one for that matter, bother her all that much. Affonso wasn’t an emotional man, and on the topic of things that did poke at his nerves, he was content with acting like he didn’t have feelings at all.
Their dead son was just one of those things.
“Will you make it fast?” Affonso asked. “I have a meeting to get to.”
Emma’s brow furrowed. “What meeting?”
“It was a last-minute thing. Something came up. I told you not to worry about it. Make it fast, yes?”
“Fine.”
But she wasn’t promising a damn thing.
Emma
Emma tugged her jacket tighter, wanting to keep the cold October wind out. It didn’t do very much to help. The light sprinkling of rain had practically stopped altogether as she crossed down the rows of headstones, looking for the one belonging to her child.
It wasn’t exactly hard to find it.
Coming to a stop under the maple tree, Emma’s sadness welled hard and swift in her heart. Just like it always did. She bent down to brush a few leaves off the marble headstone, letting her thumb linger on the carved letters of her boy’s name.
A sleeping baby angel wrapped in his own wings had been carved into the shiny black marble. She had thought it was appropriate at the time, seeing as how little Affonso had come into the world doomed to grow his wings before it was his time.
Even with the fallen leaves coloring up the small grave, Emma thought the spot looked a little lonely. She made a mental note to pick up some poinsettias and tiger lilies for the next time she visited.
Straightening back up, Emma hugged her jacket closer again, shivering under the wool. She was so focused on the headstone that she didn't realize someone was coming up behind her until a thick, warm jacket was thrown over her shoulders, and two hands squeezed her gently.
The touch was heavy, but familiar and supportive.
Emma took a quick breath, knowing who it was before he even said a word.
“I saw you shivering over here as I was getting ready to leave,” Calisto said behind her.
“I’m not sure if it’s just the cold doing it, or this day.”
Calisto chuckled softly. “I know what you mean.”
Emma turned around to face Calisto, and kept a hold on his jacket to keep it in place. She was worried that if she didn't give her hands something to do, she might just reach out and grab him instead.
She had wanted him closer for a long time.
She missed him all the time.
“What were you doing, anyway?” Calisto asked, throwing a glance over her shoulder.
Emma smiled brightly, hoping it was enough to deflect his attention. It worked for a quick second. “Just wanted to take a walk.”
She knew, without a doubt, that the headstone would only lead to more questions for Calisto that would likely go unanswered. She was sick and tired of lying to him and hiding things from him for fear Affonso might find out and hurt Calisto, or even her and their child.
But she didn’t know what else to do.
“Taking a walk in a graveyard?” Calisto asked, raising a single brow.
He didn’t believe her.
She could see it in his face.
“I needed a moment after the burial,” Emma said, hoping to wave all his concerns away. “Affonso is waiting for me in the car—he said something about a meeting. Do you want to walk me?”
It was playing with fire.
Affonso wouldn’t like seeing Emma and Calisto together, not alone.
She was wil
ling to risk it on the offset chance she wouldn’t have to explain the headstone, the baby buried beneath it, or Calisto’s involvement in the birth.
Wasn’t going through it once enough?
“Sure,” Calisto said, smiling.
He offered her an arm, and she took it.
But just as they turned toward the path again, Calisto glanced back at the headstone. She tried not to react to his curiosity, but when his entire body seized as he read the name and date marked on the grave, she let out a ragged breath. Maybe the name and date, or even the baby angel could be overlooked, but the child’s parents’ names listed beneath certainly couldn’t.
It was coming …
Calisto’s questions.
Emma waited for them, but kept her gaze on the ground, especially when Calisto turned back and his hand covered hers that was tucked into his elbow.
Somehow, he managed to surprise her.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I didn’t know that … well, that you had lost a child.”
“We don’t really talk about it, Cal.”
“I guess I can understand that. Is that part of the reason why Affonso keeps everyone away from you with this pregnancy? He’s always going on about how high-risk it is, and things.”
“Mostly,” Emma admitted. “Early labor is a very real possibility with any of my pregnancies. I have to be careful.”
“Come on,” Calisto said, tugging Emma forward with him. Once they were walking down the path, he slowed them a bit as they came up behind other people. “Are you even supposed to be walking around like you are?”
“Not as much as I did today, but everything looked good in my appointment yesterday. Besides, I wanted to be here.”
Calisto patted her hand. “I still think you should be resting.”
Emma laughed. “I plan to, no worries.”
The closer they came to the row of cars parked along a private road that was adjacent to the main road, the slower Calisto began to walk. Given that Emma’s arm was tucked along his, she was forced to walk slower, too.
She didn’t know what was up with him, but he’d grown quiet.
“Was that what happened to that baby?” Calisto asked. “He was born early?”
