by Jeff Bell
And besides, a bargain’s a bargain.
Author’s Note
There may be no greater measure of my OCD recovery than the length of these final comments I’m compelled to share.
Eight years ago when I first set out to turn my stacks of index cards into a book, I battled my way past Doubt by promising myself I’d write a thirty-page disclaimer qualifying each and every thing I had to say, imploring readers to avoid drawing any meaningful conclusions from my experiences.
Doubt would still like me to do this. And more.
Were I fully recovered, I suppose I might flat-out refuse.
I can’t.
But I can, and I will, force myself to say everything I still need to say within the confines of the next three paragraphs:
Rewind, Replay, Repeat is a work of nonfiction: an account of actual events in my life. It is also, however, a memoir, meaning its pages are filled, first and foremost, with my memories—recollections that might best be hedged by disclaimers such as “As best I can recall …” or “While I can’t remember the particulars…” My early drafts were filled with such qualifiers. Over the years, though, I have forced myself to remove all this clutter and allow my imagination to fill in the holes in my memory while re-creating scenes and conversations as best I can. Moreover, I have knowingly altered names and personal characteristics, and have made occasional minor changes to details and chronology for the sake of clarity. To avoid confusion, I have also made consistent use of two labels which, in reality, evolved over many years: Doubt (with a capital “D”), to refer to the source of my obsessive what-if? questions; and tapes to refer to all my mental reviews.
These liberties, though entirely insignificant to the heart of my story, are nonetheless pure blasphemy to a precision-obsessed OCD checker like myself. What fascinates and encourages me, though, is this: while I may yet obsess over my story in years to come, at this moment, I am more certain about the contents of this clearly imperfect “recording” than I am about the material on any of the countless cassette airchecks I’ve played back over and over again in the past.
I think it has something to do with learning how to believe in one’s heart, even while doubting one’s head.
Afterword
Some Final Thoughts from Jeff’s Therapist
By Jacqueline B. Persons, Ph.D.
It is rare to be privy to the details of a patient’s experience of his therapy, and to follow it over time as Jeff permits me—and his readers—to do in this very moving book. I generally get a grainy snapshot of my patients’ experiences in therapy, a snapshot limited both in time and vantage point. Just how limited I learned by reading this book! I was surprised to discover in these pages how much difficulty Jeff had doing his exposure homework—that is, exercises to expose himself to the situations he feared. This information helped me understand why Jeff suffered for so long. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is typically quite effective, and I frequently felt surprised by Jeff’s prolonged suffering. Now I understand why he didn’t benefit from the therapy for a long time. He wasn’t really doing it! As he notes, when Jeff began working aggressively to confront his fears, he began to recover.
Jeff is a persistent and hard-working person, as this book makes quite clear. His difficulty carrying out his treatment says a lot about the therapies we have to offer our patients with OCD. They are extremely—even excessively—demanding. Exposure-based treatment requires the patient to confront exactly the things he fears most! The field must develop therapies that are easier for patients to carry out. We are now beginning to do that. Jeff describes some of the cognitive and mindfulness interventions, developed by Jeffrey Schwartz and others, that are much easier to use and are beginning to be supported by evidence of effectiveness.
Reading this book was a humbling experience. Certainly it shows CBT’s key role in Jeff’s recovery. But it also shows that CBT was only one of many pieces of a large puzzle. Other pieces included other therapies (including medication) and therapists, and support of many kinds from many places, including from Jeff’s family and from others in his community. Jeff relied on his initiative, intelligence, persistence, stamina, and his considerable problem-solving and interpersonal skills. He has a strong spiritual life. All played a role in his recovery. Timing was also important; it often happens that a strategy that was not helpful at one time might be invaluable at another.
The spiritual approach to OCD that Jeff developed deserves special mention. As he indicates, I was initially quite skeptical. Raised as a pragmatic Midwesterner, I am probably the least spiritual person in the universe. And spiritual work was not an evidence-based intervention for OCD! I feared that Jeff’s spiritual strategies were OCD rituals in sheep’s clothing. I learned from Jeff how therapeutic spiritual concepts and methods could be. In fact, these ideas are now entering the scientific mainstream, as described in books by Steve Hayes and Dan Wegner. A linchpin of Jeff’s spiritual approach was the appeal to a higher good as a rationale for letting go of fears and urges to ritualize. Instead of trying to eliminate obsessions, Jeff focused on his values and life goals. In Hayes’s words, Jeff asked: “Can I feel and think what I feel and think and still act?” Jeff could and did, as he demonstrates in many ways, including by courageously writing this remarkable book.
Jacqueline B. Persons, Ph.D., is director of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy. She is also an associate clinical professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Berkeley.
Suggested Reading by Authors Noted Above
Hayes, S. C., and S. Smith. Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2005.
Schwartz, J. M. Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. New York: ReganBooks/HarperCollins, 1996.
Wegner, D. M. White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control. New York: Guilford, 1994.
Acknowledgments
Just how does one go about thanking the people who’ve helped him not only write a book, but also rescue a life? I can’t imagine. What I do know is that I owe my eternal gratitude to the following people who’ve done so much in both regards.
My angel: Carole Johnson. The Talmud tells us that every blade of grass has an angel leaning over it, whispering, “Grow, grow.” For nearly a decade now, Carole, you have provided that steady whisper in my life. Without you, this book would not exist. Because of you, I know all things are possible.
My rocks: Mandi and Mike Friedel. Mandi, draft after draft, revision after revision, you have been there with me, guiding, encouraging, and gently challenging me. Make the book a metaphor for my recovery, and the same statement holds equally true. Your generosity inspires and humbles me. Mike, thank you for your love and friendship, and for all you’ve unwittingly taught me about “quiet confidence.”
My roots: Mom and Dad. You two will never know how much I appreciate your unconditional support of this project. By encouraging me to share my story just as I remember it, and without holding anything back, you paved the way for me to reach deep into my soul. I can’t think of a greater gift any parents could offer.
My mentors: John Christgau, Wayne Manning, and Michael Moran. Thank you for showing me, each through your own life and work, just who and what it is I aspire to be.
My book team. Thank you, Susan Schulman, for lending me your vision and wisdom; Becky Post, for opening Hazelden Publishing’s doors to me and making me feel so welcome inside; Mindy Keskinen, for giving this project your expert care; Dr. Jackie Persons, for committing yourself to my recovery and this book; Drs. Jeffrey Schwartz, Judith Rapoport, and Jerry Jampolsky, for inspiring and supporting me; Joanna Mendoza, for always being there; and Richard Marek, Wayne Davis, Valerie Upham, Mindy Harding, and Patricia Perkins, for sharing your invaluable feedback.
My radio family. Thank you, Kitty O’Neal, Chris Lane, and Patti Reising, three of the finest on-air p
artners, and off-air friends, I could ever ask for; my immensely talented KCBS colleagues, with whom I’m privileged to work; and the legendary Charles Osgood, whose generous support for this book means the world to me.
My extended family. Thank you, Zaida, for nurturing me; Bethany, Katie, Joy, Dick, Melissa, Scott, Miranda, Rachel, Jan, Moco, and Ralph, for enriching my life in so many ways; Cathleen, for encouraging me, again and again; Bud, Frankie, and Chad, for sharing your angel with me; and everyone at Spiritual Life Center in Sacramento, for providing me the safest home in the world.
And most of all, my best friends: Samantha, Nicole, Brianna (and Zaxi). Thank you for believing in me, long before I, myself, could. You are my everything, and I’ll love you forever.
OCD Resources
Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
676 State Street
New Haven, CT 06511
203-401-2070
www.ocfoundation.org
National Institute of Mental Health
NIMH Public Inquiries
6001 Executive Blvd., Room 8184, MSC 9663
Bethesda, MD 20892-9663
301-443-4513
www.nimh.nih.gov
References
Chapter 8
Foa, Edna B., and Reid Wilson. Stop Obsessing! How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions. New York: Bantam Books, 1991.
Neziroglu, F., and J. A. Yaryura-Tobias. Over and Over Again: Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, revised edition. New York: Lexington Books, 1995.
Rapoport, Judith. The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Washing. New York: Penguin, 1991.
Steketee, Gail S., and Kerrin White. When Once Is Not Enough: Help for Obsessive-Compulsives. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1990.
Chapter 10
Baer, Lee. Getting Control: Overcoming Your Obsessions and Compulsions. New York: Penguin/ Plume, 1992.
Chapter 12
Beck, A. T., A. J. Rush, B. F. Shaw, and G. Emery. Cognitive Therapy of Depression. New York: Guilford Press, 1979.
Chapter 13
Foundation for Inner Peace. A Course in Miracles. Glen Ellen, CA: 1975.
Jampolsky, Gerald G., and Diane Cirincione. Change Your Mind, Change Your Life. New York: Bantam Books, 1993.
Jampolsky, Gerald G. Love Is Letting Go of Fear. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1979.
Chapter 16
Source for the Twelve Steps:
Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous, fourth edition. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001.
Chapter 17
Schwartz, Jeffrey M. Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. New York: ReganBooks/HarperCollins, 1996.
Chapter 18
Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon & Schuster,1990.
Chapter 26
Bunyan, John. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. Penguin Classics edition, W. R. Owens, editor. New York: Penguin, 1987.
Ciarrocchi, Joseph W. The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press, 1995.
Chapter 27
Fox, Emmet. The Golden Key. Special Unity Edition. Unity Village, MO: Unity Books, 1944.
Chapter 29
Schwartz, Jeffrey M. Brain Lock.
Dyer, Wayne W. Your Sacred Self: Making the Decision to Be Free. New York: HarperCollins, 1995.
About the Author
Jeff Bell is a longtime veteran of radio and television news. He currently co-anchors afternoons at KCBS Radio in San Francisco, one of the most successful all-news radio stations in America. His extensive media experience includes nearly a decade of anchoring drive-time radio programs, several years of writing television news, and numerous days spent chasing stories throughout Northern California. He lives in the Bay Area with his wife and two daughters. Jeff Bell is an air-name.
Visit Jeff online at:
www.RewindReplayRepeat.com
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