Under “Etiquette Tips for New Users,” Kenji discovered that sharing or asking for personal contact information in public forums was frowned upon; e-mail was the way to make private arrangements. Users were urged not to make negative comments. The purpose of the site was to support people in their personal decisions and provide helpful information, not encourage them to end their lives. Before posting in any topic, users should introduce themselves.
He moved on to the discussion forums.
Introductions
Resources
Making Arrangements: Legal & Otherwise
Advice & Answers
Share Your Story
The last thing he wanted to do was introduce himself on a suicide website, so he skipped the first forum and clicked on Resources. The threads ranged from a comparison of various suicide methods to practical advice about getting the equipment and drugs needed to kill yourself. Links to articles and videos made by so-called experts were helpfully provided. Kenji shuddered and skipped to Share Your Story, looking for
#1401 of 1455
Can anybody point me to information about modern methods of committing suppuku? My husband and I want to die with honor, and it has to be foolproof. We don’t want to end up in the hospital—that would just make everything worse, maybe even attract publicity. We want to do the honorable thing, but quietly.
#1402 of 1455
You’re really dying for honor? Why?
#1403 of 1455
We have to take responsibility for something that was done by our family’s company.
#1404 of 1455
A public apology isn’t enough?
#1405 of 1455
That would only create panic. If we take the blame, our son can move forward with a clean slate and set things right. There’s no need for the problem to become public if we act quickly.
#1406 of 1455
Perhaps we can help each other. I need to act quickly too. Have you decided how you’re going to do it yet?
#1407 of 1455
No, but I understand most people take painkillers. Or is it sleeping pills? I don’t actually know how to get either one. Have you thought about it?
#1408 of 1455
Hey, there’s an ***awesome*** chart at offyourself.com that not only compares different ways to do it, it rates them. Check it out!
#1409 of 1455
That site is really offensive,
#1410 of 1455
Well fuck you
#1411 of 1455
#1412 of 1455
The links in the Resources section are fine, but I’ve noticed there’s some important information missing.
#1413 of 1455
Like . . . ?
#1414 of 1455
Well, for example, you’ll want to consider how you’ll look when you’re discovered. Some methods have unpleasant side effects and are shocking to survivors.
#1415 of 1455
I hadn’t even considered that. Do you have any recommendations?
#1416 of 1455
How old is your son?
#1417 of 1455
26
#1418 of 1455
Does he still live at home?
#1419 of 1455
Yes.
#1420 of 1455
So you can’t do it there. You don’t want him to be the one who discovers you. And you’ll want to make sure you look as natural as possible, as if you’re asleep, so when he comes to identify you at the hospital, it won’t be so painful.
#1421 of 1455
That’s really good advice. How do you know so much about this?
#1422 of 1455
I’ve been thinking about it my whole life. When I was five years old, they discovered I had a degenerative neurological disease. I decided a long time ago to end my life before it becomes unbearable.
#1423 of 1455
I remember you from the Introductions topic,
Condition? Kenji returned to the homepage and clicked on Introductions. He found
#105 of 116
“I gaze into the empty twilight sky,
My breath, a wraith, ascending to the stars I cannot see,
My heart, it whispers, praying for a miracle . . . ”
Alas, my time for miracles is past. I’m ready to start thinking about my final exit. I’ve been planning it my whole life. The doctors told me I had a rare neurological disease when I was five, predicted I’d die before I was ten. But here I am, 12 years later, still breathing, still ALIVE. Really beat the odds. But now it’s finally catching up with me, and there’s still no cure. I can’t walk without crutches anymore. Soon I’ll need a wheelchair. I don’t want to wait too long, until I’m at the mercy of the nurses and machines, helpless and alone. I want to do it while I’m still able to choose when and where and how. So here I am, looking for someone to join me for the grand finale.
A few posts later,
#109 of 116
I don’t really know how to begin. I guess I should say hi. Or maybe goodbye. I’m 20. Six months ago I’d have said you were crazy if you told me I’d be introducing myself in a place like this. But that’s before I lost everything that was important to me. Now all I want to do is rest. Forever.
#110 of 116
I’m here because I want to protect my family from scandal. I don’t need help deciding what to do, only how.
Kenji sat back in his chair.
Kenji returned to the Share Your Story forum.
#1423 of 1455
I remember you from the Introductions topic,
Is your condition painful?
#1424 of 1455
No, not really. In fact, to look at me, you wouldn’t know I was dying, bit by bit, piece by piece. But I’ve read all the studies. I know that every day I’ll lose a little more function until I can’t move at all. I don’t want to live like that.
#1425 of 1455
What do your parents say? Do they know you’re intending to do this?
#1427 of 1455
Sadly, they both passed away.
#1428 of 1455
So you’re all alone in the world?
#1429 of 1455
That’s why I’m here. Because even though I’ve lived alone for so long, I don’t want to die alone.
#1430 of 1455
“Looking toward darkness,
Our fingers entwined
In our next lives
Will we meet again?”
#1431 of 1455
Yes, yes exactly! How did you know “Again and Again” is my favorite song?
#1432 of 1455
It’s mine too. I saw the Venom Vixen tribute in your introduction. I too dream of holding hands with someone as we cross to the other side. Are you Goth?
#1433 of 1455
I used to be, when I could get around better. I get tired so easily now. I can’t believe you’re a Goth too. Are you from Tokyo? Did you hang out in Akihabara?
#1434 of 1455
Actually, I’m a Goth-Lolita. But I was never part of the Akiba scene. I doubt we ever met in this life.
#1435 of 1455
But maybe in a past one?
“In the next world
Shivering, alone,
Will you know the stranger
Who shelters you from the rain?”
#1436 of 1455
Maybe it’s not too late to meet in this life.
#1437 of 1455
No. For me, it’s time to go.
#1438 of 1455
Maybe our first meeting will also be our last . . .
“Don’t slip away
Before I can follow
Don’t leave me alone
To search for you forever”
Email me,
After that,
It all fit. Rika had identified three subjects who would make great copy—a couple embroiled in a scandal, committing the modern version of ritual suicide, and a young man with an incurable disease. As a bonus, she’d sniffed out a second sensational story—had she tried to convince Mrs. Hamada to confide about the wrongdoing at their company before she died?
Yumi’s friend had cleverly weaseled herself into their group. All she had to do was show up, pretend to die, and she’d walk away with one sensational tabloid article and one that would have landed her a byline in a respectable newspaper if it had been true. It was all pretty callous. No wonder Yumi had begged him not to tell anyone.
This guy
But what about that loser
#37 of 116
Everyone is so mean to me, I feel so alone. Unless someone gives me a reason to keep on living, I think I’ll kill myself. Nobody will miss me.
It read more like a “call for help” than a real intention to die, especially since he was still posting ten months later. But
He could be a suicide looky-loo, someone who didn’t actually intend to do the deed, but liked to egg people on. How far did his voyeurism go? Did he confine himself to goading people online, or had he moved up to spying on them when they did it? Maybe he even . . . helped. How hard would it have been to find out where the Hamadas and Rika were planning to meet?
Kenji scrolled to the bottom of the page and clicked Home. Contact Us produced an e-mail window. Kenji identified himself as a Tokyo Metropolitan Police officer investigating a murder and explained that he needed the actual names of four Whitelight users. He gave their login IDs and clicked Send.
He stood up and stretched, checked the time. How could it already be 4:00? He hoped the Whitelight sysadmin got back to him with names soon, so he could write up a report to put on Section Chief Tanaka’s desk before he left to meet Yumi. He’d say they’d identified two potential suspects—Tanaka didn’t have to know that
A half hour later, he wasn’t in such an upbeat mood. Suzuki had spotted
Then a reply had arrived from
He trudged to the staff room and dribbled bitter dregs of green tea from the communal pot into his cup. It was too close to quitting time to make another, so he rinsed out the teapot and left it upside down on the drainer to dry. He returned to his desk to find Oki standing there with a sullen-looking teenage boy whose shirttail was hanging out over the uniform of a famous private school.
“Detective Nakamura! You’re just the person we’ve been looking for. I think I’ve found someone who might be able to help you with the real names of those people on the suicide websites. This is Ho
rnet.” The big detective turned to the boy. “I’m only going to make this offer once. You can make that introduction, or I can call some people about the video card that walked out of Bic Camera in your backpack with the price tag still on it.”
The boy scowled, but finally said, “I know a guy who can probably hack that site. He goes by the name Ghost.”
Kenji and Oki waited.
“We never met face to face, but we team up in online games pretty often. He knows all the back doors. He’s good.”
“You think he’ll help us?” Kenji asked.
Silence.
“Mom and Dad are going to be a little disappointed,” said Oki, “when the headmaster of your fancy school calls to explain that kids with sticky fingers won’t be graduating if . . .”
“Okay, okay! Get me a computer.”
Kenji offered the boy his chair and swiveled his police-issue laptop around for him to use.
“What a piece of crap,” the kid muttered, opening a new window, his fingers flying over the keys. He paused and looked up at Kenji. “Ghost might want something in exchange. For getting the names.”
“Like what?”
“Dunno. Maybe a comic book. He collects. But I already spent my allowance this month so . . .”
“I’ll cover it,” Kenji said.
Nightshade Page 15
