by Erin Noelle
I can’t wait to kill that fucker.
The day after I walked out on Lucca, I resign from my teaching position — effective immediately. As much as I love my kids, I can’t fathom seeing him every day. I know that I’ll break down and give into him; after all, it’s what I really want to do. I tell the security desk at my apartment building that absolutely no one is allowed access to my place except for Leo. I know they wouldn’t allow a stranger access anyway, but I feel I need to make a point of it.
I don’t get out of bed for the first week. Leo comes over and makes me eat, but that’s about all I’m willing to do. I’ve turned my phone off in case Lucca or Lauren tries to reach me. I cry all day and every night, and my nightmares are no longer about the sperm donor, but now it’s Lucca and he’s always just out of my reach. I can’t listen to music anymore because every song reminds me of him somehow.
I contemplate going back to therapy, but that would mean getting out of bed. I know I shouldn’t be so distraught over some guy that was only in my life for a blink of an eye, but as much as I try to convince myself of that, I fail miserably. Of course, this can’t even come close to comparing to what it was like to lose Momma, but I feel like a small sliver of light had begun to shine on me again, and I was forced to close the shade and block it out.
I miss my kids. I miss music. I miss Lauren. And mostly, I miss Lucca.
At the three week point of being home, I finally leave the apartment, but only because I have to go to the doctor for my annual check-up. Emerging from the security of my bed, I throw on the first clothes I can find, not caring in the least bit what I look like. I hide behind a pair of big sunglasses and make my way downstairs to where Leo waits with the car.
“Good to see you joining the living,” he says in an attempt to make me smile, but I’m not amused.
“I’d rather be dead,” I reply without feeling as I slide into the passenger seat of the SUV.
“She would want you to live, and live happily, Katrina,” he scolds me before closing the door.
We don’t speak for the rest of the trip. I know that he only wants what’s best for me, but I’m struggling far worse than I ever imagined I would. I hate to be awake because I think about everything I’m missing out on, and I hate to be asleep because two different colored eyes and the sensations that he made me feel taunt me.
Pulling up to the professional building, he lets me out at the front door and I tell him that I’ll text him when I’m finished. After waiting to be seen for nearly thirty minutes, I finally go back to an examination room, first stopping to check my weight and blood pressure. The doctor enters the room a few minutes later and she begins to caution me about my weight being below normal. She then begins going through a panel of questions about my health over the past year; thankfully, I’ve been well despite a common cold here and there. It’s surprising that I haven’t been sick more frequently since I was around small children all day long.
When she gets to the part about my sexual activities, I honestly report that I have indeed been sexually active, even if it was for just a three day period, and that I didn’t use any protection. At the time with Lucca, it had felt so natural, that I didn’t even think about asking him to wear a condom. And up until this moment, I’ve been so lost in my sadness and despair that I haven’t even thought about the repercussions. Immediately, she has me take a pregnancy test and orders a full scope of blood work to check for every STD possible. Once I return to the room from the lab, the results from the test are in, and thankfully, it’s negative. She finishes the exam, tells me that her office will call me if anything comes back irregular on the other tests, and advises me to gain some weight before sending me on my way.
Leo is waiting for me as soon as I walk back outside. “How’d everything go?” he asks with concern.
“I’m not pregnant,” I reply deadpan.
“Well, I really wasn’t expecting you to be, but that’s a positive thing.”
“Mhmm,” I mumble as I stare out the window.
“Did she say anything else?”
His questions are really starting to get on my nerves. “She told me to eat more,” I snap. “Anything else you want to know?”
Inhaling a deep breath, he shakes his head. “No. Sorry for caring, Katrina. I won’t ask anything else, but I’m not going to let you push me away. I know you’re hurting, and I’m here when you need me.”
Instantly I feel bad for jumping on him; Leo’s my rock and it’s not his fault I’m in this place in life. If it wasn’t for him, I probably would’ve gotten myself killed long ago, if not done it myself. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I didn’t think this would be so hard, Leo. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I miss him so much. There was just something about him…”
“You know your only other option is to tell him the truth.”
I can’t help but laugh at the preposterousness of his statement. “Yeah, right. How would that conversation go? ‘Hey, Lucca. So here’s the deal — my dad murdered my mom a few years ago so I’m planning on killing him sometime soon. You still wanna be my boyfriend?’”
Scowling at me, he growls, “Not like that. I just meant telling him about what happened.”
I wave my hand to dismiss his idea. “I’m not sure what good that would do. Plus, after the way I just vanished from his life, I’m sure he never wants to talk to me again.”
Mercifully, we arrive at my apartment; I’m finished with this conversation. Talking about him just makes me miss him more. “Well, if you want the opportunity, it’s waiting for you right over there,” he says nodding his head to the left of the building’s front door.
My gaze flies to where he’s looking and sitting on a bench is a despondent-but-hopeful-looking Lucca. Not bothering to ask any questions about why, what, or how, I jump out of the vehicle and rush over to him. As soon as he sees me, he stands up and braces himself as I lunge towards him. Catching me in his arms, he holds cuddles me against his body as I cry tears of happiness and overwhelming relief.
There are no words to describe the feelings pumping through my body as Lucca holds me snugly to him. I honestly thought I’d never see his beautiful eyes again, never inhale his clean-rain scent, and definitely never taste his lips on mine again. However, when his mouth finds mine, I know that I can’t let him go again — I need him like I my lungs need air to breathe.
We stand there on the street, people passing by as if we don’t exist, kissing, smiling, and reveling being in each other’s presence again. We don’t say anything for at least five minutes; we’re just there — together.
Finally, I say to him, “We need to talk, Lucca. I’ve got so much to tell you.”
Beaming, he nods his head emphatically. “Me too. Where do you want to go?”
I look around to see if Leo is still by the car, and he is, with a sad smile on his face. I wave at him, grinning like an idiot, and he waves back at me before ducking back into the driver’s seat. “Let’s go for a walk in the park. I could use the fresh air.”
He grabs my hand and leads me around the building to where we can enter Central Park. Once we are strolling down one of the pathways, I take a deep breath before I begin telling my story.
“Lucca, what I’m about to tell you, I’ve never told another living soul. Leo knows the story because he lived the nightmare with me, but other than that, no one knows this. I’m taking a huge risk here because there’s a good chance after what I tell you, you’re going to walk away from me and never look back.”
“Trina, there’s nothing you could say that could make me turn my back on you. I’ve been absolutely miserable the past three weeks. I can’t eat; I can’t sleep; I can’t focus on anything. I’ve been worried sick about you.”
“Wait until I’m finished before deciding that, but please know, that if you choose to walk away, I won’t fault you. At least I’ll know that I laid it all out and was completely honest with you.” He squeezes my hand for reassurance, and I launch i
nto the full story.
“I was born Katrina Michelle Green, the only child to Stephanie Foster Green and Robert Allen Green. Like I’ve told you before, I grew up in an extremely affluent New Jersey suburb. My mom’s family, the Foster’s, are what most people call old money, and my dad…” I swallow hard; this is more difficult than I thought. “My dad was first known for his football career.”
He gasps, realizing what I’m about to tell him. “Oh, Trina, I had no idea,” he says softly. “I used to watch him on TV when I was a kid.”
“There’s no way you could’ve. I didn’t want you to; I don’t want anyone to,” I admit regrettably. “Let’s go sit down over on that park bench, and I’ll tell you the truth about what happened that day.”
Once we are comfortably seated facing one another, he insists that I drape my legs over his lap, and I continue. “I was fourteen and my mom and I were on a vacation together, but we decided to come home early because I wasn’t feeling well. Leo had picked us up at the airport and taken us to the house. Everything seemed normal, we walked in through the front door, and she called out to my dad to see if he was home. There wasn’t an answer at first, so she started to walk up the stairs towards her bedroom, when my dad appeared at the top of the landing. He was stark naked and was holding a gun. He didn’t say a single word — he just shot her. I screamed out at him at the same time Leo walked inside carrying our luggage. The next thing I knew Leo picked me up and ran outside with me.”
Lucca pulls me close, tenderly stroking my hair, and kisses away the tears freely flowing down my face. “You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry that you had to relive that.”
“There was another woman there with him, of course.” I can’t stop now; as hard as it is to talk about, I’m finding it equally therapeutic. “And he claimed that he thought it was a burglar breaking in because we weren’t supposed to be home for a couple of days, but I know he saw it was her… He saw that it was her and pulled the trigger anyway. Who’s to say if he wouldn’t have killed me too if Leo hadn’t been there?”
“Leo’s a pretty great guy,” he murmurs into my hair.
I’m a little perplexed at why he would say that, especially considering my and Leo’s relationship, but I have to keep going. I’ve got to tell him everything. “So from that day on, I’ve had no real relationship with him. He was arrested, but released on bond shortly thereafter, and he never came back to the house. Rosa — our housekeeper and Leo’s mom — raised me from that point on… or at least she tried to. A depressed teenager with no real parental figures, combined with a limitless bank account is a bad mixture, and it was finally Leo who got me to pull my shit together and straighten up somewhat. I moved to the city when I graduated high school because I couldn’t bear to be in that house any longer — everything that reminded me of her made me sad and everything that reminded me of him filled me with rage.”
“Why do you think that story would make me leave? I’m heartbroken for you and what you had to go through as a kid, but I don’t blame you,” he says compassionately.
“I’m not finished,” I blurt out. “I’ve done some really horrible things since then.”
Tilting his head, confused, he asks, “Like what? You know I haven’t been perfect either. People make mistakes.. The important thing is that you learn from them and don’t repeat them.”
“For the past two years, I’ve been planning a way to get revenge on my dad, and now that’s he been elected governor, I’ve started putting that plan in motion.”
“Revenge how?”
“I want to torture him — make his life a nightmare like he did to her for the years leading up to her murder — but eventually, I want him dead,” I state matter-of-factly. “I want to kill him.”
“Babe, you don’t really mean that. You know him dying isn’t going to make her come back?” His voice tells me that he doesn’t believe I’ll go through with it. “
“I know it won’t bring her back, but I think I don’t think I’ll ever be over it until he’s gone.” No one can understand the depth of hatred that I have for that man.
I can see the concern set in on his face as he processes all of this information. “What’s your plan?”
“Right now, I just want to wreak havoc on his political career. He always wanted to hold some high office, so he used his popularity to get elected, and now, I want to show everyone that he can’t control his office much less a state. I haven’t thought much past that.”
“Did you have something to do with that Saunders’ guy and his sex scandal?” he asks, the pieces coming together in his head.
“Yes,” I reply bluntly without offering any more information.
“And you’re planning to do more of that?”
“Yes.”
“Does Leo know about this?”
“Yes.”
Rubbing his face with his hands, he sighs heavily. “Can I ask the nature of your and Leo’s relationship?” he asks, wincing. He knows the answer before I even open my mouth.
“Are you sure you want to know this?”
“I want to know everything about you, Katrina. I’m absolutely and completely wrapped up in you and I need to know what I’m dealing with. Like I told you before we began this talk, there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make me walk away from you, and when you get scared again and try to run away, I’m gonna persistently pursue you just like I did this time. I need to protect you.”
“Okay,” I say with a shrug, unsure of what he means by that. “Leo and I started having sex when I was seventeen, and though I wasn’t exclusively with him, we continued our relationship up until recently. I love him, but in a different way. He’s basically allowed me to use him as a security blanket for the past nine years, doing anything necessary to keep me happy and safe. We’ve discussed this not too long ago, and I’ve apologized to him for how I’ve treated him.”
“How recently?” he questions.
“How recently what?”
“You said you’ve continued your relationship up until recently. When did you stop?”
“I haven’t touched him since the first time you and I kissed,” I answer honestly.
“Do you have any desire to be with him again?”
Shaking my head, I reply, “No, I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Plus, there’s only one person I want.”
He grabs my face and kisses me hard. “Even though I understand why you feel the way you do, I’m never going to support you killing someone, and I honestly hope that there’ll be something I can say or do to keep you from going through with it. Everything else I can come to terms with; I just need to know what’s going on. I promise to be both patient and understanding while you do whatever you need in order to get closure with this, but please don’t shut me out again. I want to talk more about this later, but the important thing is I’m not leaving your side.”
I nod and nuzzle my face into his neck. I can’t believe I just told him all of that, and even more so, I can’t believe that he didn’t run away screaming. We stay like that for several minutes before we begin to walk back to my place.
Neither of us says much of anything, both lost in our own thoughts, until I see a patch of dandelions just off of the pathway. I go over and pick two from the ground, handing one to him. “Time to make a wish,” I tell him.
Grinning he takes the stem attached to the fluffy white flower. “On the count of three — ready? One. Two. Three.”
Together we blow the downy seeds into the wind, allowing them to float away with our dreams on their tail. I look over at him and I know it’s a moment I will never forget. The gentle sunshine — bathing my face with its rays — feels almost as good as the warmth radiating inside of me from having Lucca nearby, knowing that even after finding out the truth, he still wants to be with me.
“What did you wish for?” he asks, playfully nudging my shoulder with his.
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true!” I exclaim.
&n
bsp; “Oh, that’s just an old wives’ tale. Come on, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“Nope!” I call out as I run away from him. “Never!”
Chasing after me, it takes him no time to catch me and tackle me into the grass. He tickles me relentlessly, but I refuse to give in. Pinning me to the ground, he lowers himself to whisper in my ear, “I’ll just have to spank it out of you later, devil woman.”
Over the next several weeks, Lucca and I spend quite a bit of time hanging out in the evenings and weekends when he’s not at work. I try hard to limit it to two or three times a week, so that we don’t smother or grow tired of one another, but it’s hard because I’m so comfortable and content when I’m with him. We haven’t discussed my dad again since the day at the park, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I love the way he’s gentle and affectionate with me, but at the same time assertive and aggressive without being callous, especially in bed. Since I became sexually active as a teenager, I’ve always been the dominant one because I thought I needed that power. I’m now learning there’s something overwhelmingly liberating in relinquishing control, but I know it has to be with the right person.
Now that I’m not spending my days hiding under my covers, I’ve started working on a few different projects to better myself as a person. First, with the insistence of both Leo and Lucca, I’ve started seeing my therapist, Dr. Donias, again. My grieving process after my mom died was a little different than most, because in essence, I lost both of my parents that day. I hadn’t even realized how much guilt I’ve been carrying around with me since we’d returned early from the trip due to my illness. Accepting the fact that my father deserves one hundred percent of the responsibility is the first step I had to overcome. I tell her about my wishing his life was ruined, and often hoping that he died, but of course, I fail to mention I’ve seriously contemplated killing him or my involvement in the Saunders’ photo scandal.
