by Erin R Flynn
Sisay said he’d help Trisha and the others and then go handle what we talked about. Awesome. It was good to have goals.
Currently, my goal was to see if I could feel numb from booze like I’d heard people say was a thing, so mine were not as productive as his. Petre arrived to trade with Vitor and I felt a bit lighter, still terrified of Vitor and glad when he said he’d help Sisay.
“Well that’s one way to handle whatever’s going on,” Lara greeted.
“My husband thinks I’m a slut with a line of men waiting, and mostly disgusted I enjoy giving head and letting myself be spanked for play as a naughty princess,” I drawled. “If you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”
“No, the booze sounds about right, but we have food and I need some more context on that,” Trisha muttered, bumping me to sit up.
I did, and handed her the bottle as she gave me a container of food. I opened it and frowned. “Sushi? I saw this in books and some of the movies I’ve seen.”
She nodded. “Someone found a huge cache of nori that was still good, amazingly. A bit stale but, fuck, I’ll take it. We find rice everywhere, and now we’ve got condiments and seafood. You fixed an array of kitchen machines, including a maki roll maker for sushi. They’re doing a sushi bar in Seattle with all the options prepped, and people just tell them what they want. It’s awesome.”
“That’s cool,” I agreed. I let her show me the dips and tried a few before adding a bit of soy sauce, my eyes going wide when Lara dumped on a bunch. “Did you want to just drink that soy sauce?”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had it not expired,” she defended.
Yeah, fair enough.
Someone brought cups and a bag of ice, so we mixed drinks and I told them what had happened.
“You really like that stuff?” Lara asked me, sounding half suspicious and half worried.
I thought about it a minute and nodded. “Not all the time. You have to remember, I don’t have memories before I was eighteen. I have no idea if I had friends in high school that talked about stuff. I knew only about assholes at camps and treating women like property. I wanted none of that, and it disgusted me. But then sex wasn’t like that with the people I was with.
“And I was reading these books, and it didn’t make oral sex sound… Cheap. I mean, I love it when they do it to me. But they were so against it because I was a princess. Kristof didn’t care, though. He hated princesses and always wanted one to do that, so it was kind of a good exploring fit.” I waved off bad memories. “Fine, it got messed up, and he was an ancient asshole, but we got past that.”
“That still doesn’t tell us you like it, just why you wanted to try it,” Trisha reminded me.
“Are you against it too?” I sighed.
She snorted. “Fuck no. I love giving head. I love the power I feel when I can make a man quiver for me, beg me for anything I want. I don’t normally do it on my knees, as some men look down on that. I think for me, that’s what I find shocking you’re into.”
“I’m not,” Hope cut in, shrugging when she got a few looks. “She’s boss of everything, and you know how hard that can be, Trisha. She’s got even more on her shoulders than you do and she’s way younger. She’s not a submissive person, but it’s that night off, that letting go and just giving herself over to someone and saying to let them be the boss.”
“Yes, yes,” I agreed, pointing at her with my chopsticks. “Plus he gets so, so into. I mean, yeah, Kristof is different with me, nowhere near the hard-ass you see or—”
“I had trouble believing that until I saw you go down,” Maggie admitted. “He was destroyed and completely distraught, and I was right there and saw it, not like when you were abducted and they all tried to hide it or act like they weren’t upset. He truly loves you.”
“He does,” I agreed. “And it’s—he was used and abused. You saw how those princesses spoke about him, treated the nobles like pawns. I would do it just because it heals him a little bit each time I do. He understands someone sees him as more than a crazy old and strong guy with a huge cock. I would kneel for him because he wants it.”
“Yeah, I could see that being a thrill and a half if I was into the guy,” Trisha agreed. “As long as he kept the line.”
“He’s not rough with me like that,” I promised. “And Cerdic would never just be mean. Yeah, aggressive is fun, but not gagging me. Neither’s done that.”
“The spanking? I’ve never been interested in that,” Lara muttered.
I shrugged. “I promised to try what he wanted. It was too much that first time because I’m a baby vampire, but it was fun. He was praising me while punishing me, like I lied to him. It was… That line of almost too much and overwhelming, and then stinging and hot sex while my ass and every nerve was just going.” I popped another bite in my mouth. “It’s not that I’m into it like I need it—”
“But you like it with him, because it’s him and it’s fun together,” Trisha finished for me. “That’s no different than Jaxon and the shower sex you guys have. You beg him, and it’s a kink too.”
“Apparently this is completely different,” I grumbled before chugging down a good part of my drink. “I get he’s pissed I hid it knowing he wouldn’t like it, but—”
“Jesus, you weren’t letting guys piss on you or drinking humans to death that you were screwing,” Trisha grumbled. “He’s totally overreacting.”
“Yeah, but there might be a reason why,” Hope defended.
“Kind of, but I don’t know to this level,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I didn’t see this coming, or I wouldn’t have handled it that way. I thought it would be okay, like when I showed him I liked feeding by biting his thigh and giving him a hand job. Why is it so different from that? I just don’t get it.”
“Don’t cry,” Hope comforted.
I sighed, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. “I’m turning into an easily broken woman falling apart all the time, like I hate.”
Trisha burst out laughing. She glanced at me and started laughing all over again, trying to apologize when she got enough air.
“Inez, you were just abducted. You almost died. You didn’t fall apart then. Simon said you barely blinked an eye you were taken, and only upset about what you did to those corrupted because you were scared you could hurt us live people.
“You are the opposite of weak, and a lot of time I wish I could keep it together as well as you do. I mean, you’ve got the ghost gift the nobles speak of with awe and fear. You’ve got multiple spirit animals and you’re Aether’s fucking champion. I’d be in the fucking padded room asking for Jell-O cups and sporks.”
“I don’t fully get that reference, but you always have your shit together. I can’t—”
“She does, but she was lost when they thought Vance was gone,” Lara said gently.
Trisha nodded. “The last time we talked I was a jerk. Him and our cousins are all such brainiacs, and wanting to change the world without realizing that sometimes he was a bit dismissive of those of us who protected the country so he could have that option. I was having shit from the Navy, sexist crap, and I didn’t want to hear again that their studies and jobs were the answer.
“You expect to lose your parents and grandparents. It’s sad, it’s horrible, our whole clan was just gone, but he was my baby brother and we were supposed to protect him. We were supposed to be fighting to make sure nothing like this every happened. We were all lost. Now I feel the loss of them but I don’t feel as lost.”
“Me too,” Lara agreed. “I hate how I left things with my family and their beliefs that a woman’s duty to her clan was to mate another cougar and pop out babies, but they were my clan, and I hate that they’re gone. I feel that loss, but I’m not so lost now that I don’t think that maybe things could have changed. They wouldn’t have, but I’ve accepted that’s okay; I can still be sad they’re gone.”
I nodded as I listened to Hope and Maggie talk a bit about how they felt losing their clans and p
eople too.
“Sorry, fuck, sorry, you have no idea who you lost,” Maggie muttered, shaking her head.
“It’s okay,” I promised. “I don’t, but there’s so much crazy of mine, and it doesn’t always have to be about me. I know it’s different, but it’s sort of comforting that I’m not the only one struggling between feeling loss and being lost. I feel like the moment I woke up in that hotel I was lost, running from madness, and following crazy until I met Darius and he changed everything.”
“He loves you,” Trisha comforted as she moved her arm around me. “He does.”
“I think there are lots of songs and books that say love isn’t enough,” I whispered. “I also said that I would never have loved the others and just been with Darius if things were different. How horrible and dismissive of me, like I don’t care as much about them. That’s not what I meant at all—”
“They wouldn’t have thought that,” Hope comforted. “You would have lived your life not knowing the love you could have in addition to Darius. That’s not the same as saying they’re interchangeable or disposable. Jaxon and Cerdic are smart enough to get that, with their big hearts. I don’t know Kristof as well.”
“Are you a counselor or something?” I asked her, the other three chuckling.
“I’ve had some training with the Navy on counseling trauma or anxiety from separating from family, but nothing enough for a degree. They’re laughing because I became the person everyone went to on our ship for advice, or someone to listen who wouldn’t gossip.”
“She used to have a line waiting outside our bunk like she was holding session,” Lara teased her, but then frowned. “We served with some really good people who deserved better than they got. Someone would always be selfish and hide they were infected, and a new wave would come. We couldn’t smell it. We can smell everything, but we couldn’t smell that. That’s so cruel to me.”
“She was involved with a human who got infected and actually admitted it, and asked to be handled before he hurt anyone,” Trisha murmured.
“I couldn’t do it,” Lara chuckled darkly. “I was selfish and couldn’t do it.”
“No, selfish would be asking you to do it, which he didn’t,” Trisha reminded her. “James handled it. They were friends. That’s different. You loved him and he loved you. He didn’t want you to be the one.”
“What was he like?” I asked her. I swallowed my shock as she lit up in a way I’d never seen before, sarcastic Lara turning into a lighter woman who was full of rainbows and roses. And she’d lost that.
I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to lose Darius over this. We had the chance so many lost, and I couldn’t—I wouldn’t let us waste it.
I spent the rest of the night eating, drinking, and listening to them tell stories of the humans they’d lost—friends or more—and good times before everything went to shit. It was nice. Sad, but like we were saying, it was the loss and not feeling so lost anymore. It seemed to help them, and I could use the distraction, so that was nice.
And I held onto it when Darius never came to bed.
Or at least my bed. I barely slept, wondering if he had taking what I’d said in my bitchy replies to his hurtful words. Would he really turn to another woman?
Could I forgive him if he did?
I flinched when I sat down for breakfast, Darius sitting across from me and looking like he’d drank his weight in alcohol as well. I didn’t know what to say or do, but I was sure we shouldn’t do it in the crowded dining hall, where too many could hear us.
“Can we talk later?” he asked under his breath. “I want to try and understand, really this time.”
I didn’t answer right away, trying to be careful of what I said and not just snap at him because I was hurt. “I think that depends where you were last night.”
His sharp intake of breath made it clear he knew what I was asking. “I was at your tree, praying there to Aether for guidance, and remembering my vows, my love for you.”
My heart hurt just a tiny bit less. “We can talk. I can’t promise anything more than that.”
“I am sorry, Inez.”
I shrugged. “You can’t help the way you feel, even if it’s about me.”
“That’s not—I don’t…” He trailed off and glanced around, shaking his head. “I love you.” He let out a shaky breath when I didn’t say anything. “You won’t say it back?”
I flinched. “Is that why you said it?”
“No. No, I said it because I wanted you to hear it. I realized I’ve never not heard you say it back before.”
I nodded, letting out a shaky breath this time. “It would feel hollow to say it right now when I’m expecting you to hurt me again.”
“I don’t want that.”
Neither did I, and there was no need to say that so I didn’t. After breakfast, he followed after me and I realized we were doing this, like now, so we headed back to Montana. I was shocked when Kristof was there working.
“What are you doing?”
“Fixing the pool,” he answered, using his hand to block the sun as he looked at me. “Your security said you had a nice time using this place for a sort of healing ladies’ night. I think that was good for you, and I asked Jaxon to show me how to seal up the pool so you can swim if you want.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded. “This place has it’s own everything, it’s so remote, so if you fix it, I’ll get the pump going to the well for water and some solar panels close for power.”
“I will.” I went over to sit down and watch him, appreciating the view of him shirtless and sweating.
“Can we talk somewhere else?” Darius asked.
“Is he part of your problem?” I worried.
“He thinks I have corrupted you to desire something you didn’t before,” Kristof answered. “He’s heard some of the stories of my house now in warning about me, and thinks I have done something to you.”
I blinked up at Darius. “You think I’m that weak?”
“No, young,” he sighed. “And I don’t know that’s what I think. I don’t know what to think.”
“Darius, I think you’re spiraling this time,” I said quietly. “No one thinks it’s this big of a deal as you do. I’m not trying to dismiss or brush off your feelings, but you’re way out there on this one. It’s just a fucking blow job and some play. We’ve done it a handful of times. He hasn’t abused me and trained me into some submissive sex slave.”
“I’m glad.”
“Fuck, you really thought that might be an option?” I hissed, upset for Kristof, not just myself. “What has he ever done to deserve your judgment he would do that? Yes, we had some problems and issues, but he’s also saved us several times, saved me and risked himself. He might not have always been all in, but he was clearly on the team from the moment he arrived.”
“You’re right,” he accepted. “I apologize, Kristof. You didn’t deserve even my thoughts wondering or worrying. I did spin out—I am spinning out. I just don’t understand how she enjoys that treatment.”
“I’m not fucking whipping her,” Kristof snapped. “Your mind is going places and to extremes. I’m not one of those nobles who whips females, drinking the blood from the wounds, and then fucks them. I get there is a lot of darkness if you go further down the path, but she’s telling you we just took a few steps down a very long path because she wanted to check it out. And she liked it. So what?”
Yeah, I was with Kristof. So what?
21
After some more talking, Darius asked to see it this time, and he wouldn’t be a jerk. I wasn’t a fan of the way he said it though, and how this had all played out, so I told him he could the next time I was in the mood. He gave me a confused look.
Yup, he didn’t get it. It wasn’t like I wanted it all the time. Was he not hearing me that we only did it now and again? This wasn’t my entire sex life with Kristof.
But the fun of it was gone for me. I didn’t even want to talk about i
t, and things between Darius and I were strained. Mostly because he still wasn’t coming to bed or even trying to make things right. Was seeing this really such a turning point for us? Could he walk away if he didn’t get it?
This was way out of hand.
Kristof seemed to agree, because a couple of days later, when I was done handling ghosts, he had everything ready for us to play… Without giving me the heads up.
“No more,” he whispered against my lips. “He’s watching and can hear, but not right here. Ignore him. This is about us, right?” He cupped my cheek and I saw the worry. “You won’t pick him over me, right?”
“No,” I whispered. “But do you need this? Would you make me choose?”
“No, I don’t need it, but we like it,” he sighed. “I feel like you pick him over me.”
I shook my head. “If you objected to something I did with him, I would listen too. It’s not who the objection is from, but there’s an objection and making sure it’s handled.”
“Thank you for explaining.” He brushed his lips over mine. “Now undress and suck my cock.”
I pursed my lips at him and knelt down, being more bratty than usual, now that I knew he liked that side of me.
He smirked at me and undid his fly, showing me his cock was hard for me and growing. “This is what you want, right? You want this? You want it in you like a naughty princess? Suck it, Inez.”
I shook my head, but then took off my shoes like that was all he would get from me. He taunted me some more and I lost my shirt, showing him my breasts that he loved.
His nostrils flared. “I’m going to spank you for being so bad. Is that what you want?” He chuckled when I just shrugged and looked away. “Oh, you want it. You want me to make your pert ass all red and sting, you brat. I’ll give you that; now do as you’re told and suck me.”
Still I wouldn’t, taking off my bra and teasing my breasts for him. I went further and let down my hair, giving him looks that were half invitation and half challenge.
