by Brook Wilder
“Breathe.”
I tried, nodding and motioning for him to give me a minute. I could control this. I did not want to break down in front of him again.
But he didn’t stop coming. His hands framed my face and he forced me to look at him.
“Look at me. Breathe. In and out. In and out.”
Tears welled up in me as I concentrated on his beautiful eyes, the way he was talking to me in a deadly calm voice, focusing on his words. I could do this. I could show him that I was strong enough to get over this attack.
I wasn’t weak.
“That’s it,” he said gently, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. “That’s it darling. Just a few more, I promise, and you will be fine. I got you.”
I believed him. God almighty, I believed him. Finally, my breathing started to regulate, and air exploded into my lungs, the fuzziness of my vision starting to clear. All I could see was the concern in Derrek’s eyes, the way he was holding me in his hands.
It brought a new set of tears to my eyes for an altogether different reason.
“Good,” he continued to coach. “You’re doing it, Alice.”
“I’m good,” I finally got out, taking in a few breaths. “I’m good.”
His jaw clenched but he let me go, taking a few steps back to give me some room.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, forcing a small smile. “I just… It’s the place.”
“I know,” he interrupted, holding out his hand. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Even though I knew it was all kinds of wrong, I took his hand anyway. I was rewarded with a firm tug as he pulled me toward a bike.
“Where’s the truck?” I asked hesitantly.
We had taken a truck to the campus this morning.
Not a bike.
“I had to return it,” he said lightly as he pulled me toward the sleek, black bike. “Don’t worry, I’m a good driver on this thing too.”
I pulled back, digging my feet in the ground.
“I can’t ride on that.”
Derrek turned toward me, his jaw clenched.
“I got you Alice. I’m not going to let you get hurt.”
“I know,” I answered, attempting to keep my fear at bay. “But I can’t… There’s no way I can ride on that.”
“Sure, you can,” he said, tugging on my hand once more. “It’s easy.”
I felt the panic start to rise in my chest again as we reached the bike, accepting the helmet that Derrek handed me.
“We can take the bus. I do it all the time.”
Derrek looked over at me, his expression blank. Gone was the man that had just talked me out of a full-blown panic attack, and in his place… I wasn’t sure.
But I already missed the other guy.
“Just hold onto me. I will do the rest. Come on, I want to show you something.”
Seeing that he wasn’t going to let me get away with not doing this, I put the helmet on, the spicy scent of his cologne filling my senses. Well, at least if I died on this thing, I would have that to comfort me in my last moments.
Swinging a leg over the bike, I settled on the small seat, trying not to think of the statistics of deaths on a bike. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Derrek. Of course, I did.
It was just that I didn’t trust this bike.
Derrek climbed on in front of me, and I immediately locked my arms around his waist, tightening my hold. I thought I felt him chuckle as he fired up the bike, the vibration shaking between my legs.
It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling.
Before I could even breathe, he took off, the wind blowing past me, whipping at my clothing as I clung to Derrek, shutting my eyes tightly. I didn’t want to see where we were going or what we were dodging to get here.
Gradually, I got used to the wind, the way the bike was vibrating between my legs. While it wasn’t exactly the best thing I had ever done, it wasn’t entirely horrible either.
Finally, Derrek slowed the bike and we came to a stop, allowing me to open my eyes. I couldn’t see anything with the helmet on, so I took it off, wincing as it caught behind my ears.
“Here,” Derrek said, gently lifting it off my head. “Let me help.”
“Thanks,” I said, looking around. “Where are we?”
Derrek set the helmet aside, helping me off the bike.
“Somewhere I wanted to show you.”
It was the middle of nowhere, with miles of desert as far as the eye could see. The hot wind rushed past us, even with the cloudy day, the air choked with dust.
It was a dismal place.
“You’re probably thinking I’ve lost my shit,” Derrek said softly, crossing his arms over his chest. “But next time you have an attack, I want you to think about this place.”
“Why?” I asked, surprised.
“Because,” he said. “No matter how much you think you can outrun what you have going on, you can’t. This desert, it’s never ending. It would take weeks before you found something else, and by then you would be dead.”
I swallowed hard, understanding what he was saying. I couldn’t outrun my panic attacks. No matter how hard I tried, they were still a part of me.
“But you can overcome them,” he continued softly. “Find that one thing to focus on and hold on for dear life. Don’t let the desert consume you, Alice. Be that cactus in the middle, one that refuses to die even though there is no chance of survival. Be that person in your own mind, and you can’t go wrong.”
I didn’t know why he was doing this to me, but his words were searing a path onto my soul. He understood me.
No one else had understood me in my entire life.
Derrek cleared his throat, handing the helmet back to me.
“Come on, we got to get you home.”
I took it, not believing what had just transpired between us. Derrek was more complicated than ever, but he was also opening that chasm in my chest that had already started to grow.
I couldn’t be falling for him.
But I already knew it was too late.
Chapter Eleven
Derrek
“You haven’t seen anything?”
The guard posted outside the front door shook his head, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Not a peep. Well, other than the old lady across the street. I think she’s waiting on us to break down the door or something.”
I ran a hand through my hair roughly.
“Well, don’t let your guard down. I don’t think they are done.”
“Got it,” he said as I pushed open the door.
The sun was setting in the distance, signaling the end of another day during which no one had bothered to attempt to attack the house. While some would be happy about that, I was on edge, worried even. The silence from the Cazadores after the other kidnappings was deafening. Luckily, Fox and his men had found Dodge’s family, unharmed, with a note that they wouldn’t be the last.
Jack was livid, wanting to double security on his daughter, but I had talked him off the ledge. I could handle this.
I could protect Alice.
As I walked into the kitchen, I was taken aback by the smell of something great in the air. Turning the corner, I saw Alice at the stove, in her usual baggy clothing, stirring something in a pot. Just the sight of her made me want to both grab her by the waist and kiss on her neck.
And run like hell.
I had tried, desperately, to stay away from her, to separate myself in the hope that whatever attraction I had to her would dissipate.
But it only seemed to grow with each passing hour.
Today, when she had walked out of her classes, I had felt a pain lessen in my chest, knowing that she was safe and sound. But the look on her face had made me freeze, knowing she was having a panic attack.
Nothing had mattered at that point. I had gone to her, talked her out of it, and then given her advice, all out of my norm.
It was because, at the end of the day, there was Ali
ce and only Alice.
Shit, I was in deep.
“What are you cooking?”
She didn’t turn around.
“Spaghetti. It’s my mom’s favorite.”
“It smells great,” I answered, leaning against the counter. “Can I help?”
Alice shook her head.
“No, I’m good. There’s beer in the fridge if you want one.”
“I’m good,” I answered, not wanting to muddy my senses at all.
I had only been partly telling the truth about sleeping on the couch. One, I had to get away from her. But, two, I had needed to be the first line of defense in protecting them, and I couldn’t do it from the bedroom.
Now I had guns stashed all about the living room, under the couch cushions and in the side table drawer, all within reach. I knew, along with Jack and the rest of the Legion, that something was going down soon, and I wanted to be more than prepared for that day and time.
“Did you get any studying done?”
“A little,” she answered, dropping the noodles in the pot. “I can’t believe I will be taking my exams in a few weeks. It seems like this day would never come.”
I knew how much her degree meant to her, so I had relented on letting her go to her classes today. That had been one of the bitch sessions that Jack had given me after the fact, but I wasn’t about to take away the one thing she enjoyed. I could watch her just as well there as I could at the house. But just in case, I had made sure to have extra hands posted at the exits.
With the exception of her panic attack, everything else had worked out for the best and she seemed happier tonight.
While I was fucking miserable.
“What’s the first thing you are going to do when you are finished?” I asked, attempting not to stare at her ass.
She gave a little laugh as she turned toward the sink, where I could see her face.
“I’m going to get a good night’s sleep, maybe even sleep in a few days before applying for jobs. I had thought about going on a trip, but I can’t… Well, I can’t leave my mom.”
I saw the sadness in her eyes and felt the pain reflect in my chest. Alice’s life revolved around her mom, and I knew that no matter what she could work out, she would never feel one hundred percent good with leaving her more than a few hours at a time. Just this morning, she made me station a guard at both entrances, in case her mother got confused and tried to leave the house.
“You should celebrate somehow.”
Alice gave a little shrug.
“Maybe I will.”
I was going to make sure she did, even if I had to watch her mom myself.
**
After supper and a lively conversation about Alice’s childhood with her mom, I stepped outside, pulling out a pack of cigarettes that I kept tucked in my boot. I didn’t smoke all the time, but every once in a while I enjoyed a smoke to clear my head. It was a nasty habit, one that I wanted to give up one day.
Whenever my life got fucking straight.
Lighting the cigarette, I blew the smoke into the night air, watching as it disappeared. Soon the house would settle for the night, and I would spend another night on the couch, counting the hours until it was daylight.
This Diablo war couldn’t be over soon enough.
My cell buzzed, and I pulled it out, seeing Andrew’s number flash on the screen.
“What are you doing, fucker?”
“Whacking off,” he laughed. “What do you think I’m fucking doing?”
“Thanks for bringing my bike today,” I replied, taking another draw off the cigarette before stubbing it onto the concrete. “Glad to get it back in one piece.”
“Where are you?” Andrew asked instead. “Jack won’t tell me what the hell is going on, only making me watch the damn clubhouse. Even Betsy is gone from the strip club.”
“I’m watching over Alice,” I answered with a heavy sigh.
“I rode by her place today,” he said, a question in his voice. “I didn’t see anyone there.”
“We are at a safehouse,” I told him. “On Merrell.”
“Oh, well, that’s probably good,” Andrew replied after a moment. “Shit has done hit the fan. Jack is all up in arms about the newest attacks. Hell, two of his men just fucking disappeared from their posts today.”
“Shit!” I swore. Maybe Alice and Cheryl needed to leave the county, or at least move from this location. “Thanks for the heads up.”
“Anytime,” Andrew said before ending the call.
I tucked the phone back into my jeans, a frown on my face. Maybe I needed to remind Jack that the Legion weren’t pussies and we should be striking back, killing any Cazadores we found and starting to take the upper hand in this war. Right now, we looked like we were running scared.
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I thought about tonight and what I stood to lose if we were attacked. Alice and her mom had enjoyed a long conversation without her mom once questioning who we were, even complimenting her daughter on the food. Alice had preened under her mom’s praise, and for a moment, they looked like a normal duo.
But it was all smoke and mirrors, a snapshot in time that wouldn’t last.
“Shit!” I said aloud, looking back at the house.
Things were too damn complicated around here, and I didn’t mean Cheryl’s diagnosis.
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I walked back inside, resetting the traps that I had set over the doors just in case. I didn’t want to get caught with my pants down, not until this shit was over with.
Another quick check of the living room proved that all my guns were still in place, locked and loaded. Methodically, I checked each one of them, unable to help myself, my concern ramping up a notch.
Alice and Cheryl were my responsibility. And I would die before anything happened to them.
My phone buzzed again, and I fished it out of my pants pocket again.
“Yeah?”
“McMurray,” Fox said. “You alright?”
“Why?” I asked instantly.
“Shit, man, they burned down the damn bar. We lost two guys.”
I fell onto the couch, not believing what I was hearing. The bar, though it wasn’t mine, was my livelihood. It was my job.
It had been my place of peace.
Swallowing hard, I forced the words out of my mouth.
“Johnny.”
“He got out,” Fox said. “The two guys were shot outside the bar. Everyone else escaped through the back door. They are getting close, man. My bets are on y’all next. Do you want to move?”
“No,” I said through clenched teeth. “We will be sitting ducks if we move them now.”
“Alright, but we are bringing in more muscle then,” Fox replied. “Jack’s request.”
“Or demand,” I said, my voice void of humor. “Make sure no one enters the house. I got it rigged.”
“Good. I will pass it along,” Fox said. “Sorry about the bar, man.”
“Thanks,” I answered before hanging up.
Rage filled me, and I wished I was somewhere else, somewhere where I could burn some of this off before facing Alice.
The damn bar. They had burned down the bar.
Throwing the phone onto the couch, I forced myself to calm down. I had to go tell Alice, of course, so that she would be prepared for whatever was coming next. At a moment’s notice, she needed to be able to run, and I would bet everything I had left in my miserable name that we would be next.
Turning down the hallway, I walked slowly to the bedroom, trying to form my words. I didn’t need Alice to panic, but I needed for her to know that this was some serious shit.
But the bedroom was empty.
Chapter Twelve
Alice
I washed the shampoo out of my hair, letting the warm water run down my body. Tonight, had been one of the best nights in a long time, my mom engaged in a conversation that we didn’t have to repeat over and over again. The moment had brought tears to my eyes, and I
had kept my emotions in check, not wanting to startle my mom.
It was nearly perfect, and I knew in my heart it had something to do with Derrek being there.
